i've been watching social media for the last few days, many people are up in arms, and if George Zimmerman killed someone based on his race, he needs to be strung up by the balls.
BUT - how we as a people go about doing that was handled completely wrong.
first, everyone needs to know and accept the 'stand your ground' laws that exist. you may not agree with them, but they are there, so they are the first issue.
realize that aside from the Zimmerman case, this law has been in effect for some time, and has been abused at length. even in a basic search of news reports can help you find cases in Florida where convicted drug dealers would get into shoot-outs, and one would kill the other, and the person who survived was only charged with 'felon in possession of a firearm' and not murder - why? because in Florida, if you can convince a jury that you felt threatened, you can kill someone.
and, since we're all a dramatic people these days, it's not difficult to convince people that you were threatened.
second, while the act of feeling threatened gives you the right to be lethally defensive, it doesn't give you the right to kill someone because they are black. this is a civil rights violation.
so - how should the government have gone after George Zimmerman while following the laws? this should have been a civil rights case. someone should have gotten him on the stand and somehow caused him to use terms that would have labeled Trayvon a hoodie wearing thug - because of his race, and poof... conviction.
sadly, the government didn't handle it properly. al capone fell because of tax laws, not because he blatantly violated liquor laws. prosecutors should have thought this out better, they should have thought out the best way to make sure this guy went to jail, but for whatever reason they did not - yet.
we as a people have a choice, we can continue to rant and rally about the loss of this young man, or we can do our best to influence the right cause of action.
remember - people are stupid, but persons are smart.
don't fall victim to hype, think this out, then contact who you need to by the best means and do what you can to make sure the correct process takes place.
if George Zimmerman is guilty of killing Trayvon Martin because he was black in any way, the he needs to be brought up on federal civil rights charges, because in Florida, once there's a fight, you are supposed to 'stand your ground'.
we as a people are again falling victim to pundit led drama, while politicians ramble about the need for justice - but actually do nothing to properly handle this case. not only is Trayvon a victim here, so are we as we fall prey to spin and drama created by people who are increasing their image and lining their pockets while doing nothing.
let's never forget that a young man was murdered, and how sad we are - but - at the same time, the murder rate for young black men in Chicago is higher than the death rate of our soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq.
over the last few days, i've seen many rallies and protests nationally about this case. the idea that action is needed may be right - but where are the rallies and protests against the every day murders in Chicago or L.A.? why aren't these groups organizing against the every day murders which we can't hang on a schlub like George Zimmerman?
before we get too worked up, we need to find out why Obama didn't press his people into filing federal civil rights charges against Zimmerman, and we need to ask ourselves why Al Sharpton isn't in Chicago.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
What Black Men Think... And America Too
A few nights ago I was unable to sleep, and the Documentary channel had on a piece called "What Black Men Think", I expected some controversial rants by rap stars and pundits about the fight of the oppressed african-americans.
Then as I watched I was reminded of a production I saw on CNBC about a week earlier called "America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15". In that, I expected lengthy information about the evils of firearms and the ways that assault rifles are responsible for that majority of crimes and deaths in the United States. I was wrong.
And I was wrong about "What Black Men Think" as well.
(Links to information on both will be found at the bottom)
Janks Morton created the documentary piece on the views of black men in a way that was extremely informative... but let me cut to the chase for my readers: what you think, probably isn't true. In fact, he goes to great lengths to show that the majority of african-americans believe the same things, and they are wrong.
and, they are victims of hype.
His best example? 'are there more black men in college or jail?' - everyone thinks jail. And why not? we've been sold examples like this for decades, but the reality is that it's skewed. In the film he asks many the same question, and everyone answered 'jail', but the numbers prove otherwise.
From there he goes on to tackle other beliefs, from the loss of family structure to unemployment and many others, and how they impact african-american history. Each of the common beliefs shared by myself, many people I know, and many of those he interviewed were proven to be lies.
Who would tell us these lies?
I then remembered the CNBC piece on the AR15. Since NBC has been long known as part of the 'liberal media' and I assumed a piece from their 'business news network' would tow the usual liberal line of dramatic gun control ideals. And, it definitely did at times, accenting the damage done to human bodies at the Colorado theater shooting, and pointing out that the same model AR15 used there was in the possession of the killer at Sandy Hook.
But then the facts came in: long guns (rifles and shotguns) are responsible for 4% of crimes in the United States, and the AR15 was such a small portion of that 4% that and exact percentage of crimes that involved it or assault weapons in general couldn't (or maybe wouldn't be) given.
Americans have been lead to believe that the AR15 and other assault rifles deserve our attention, review, and legislation. We have also been led to believe that every day black men are using assault rifles to commit crimes in their effort to be... whatever the image of gangsta black men is.
Lies.
We have all become the victims - the WILLING VICTIMS - of what sells. We believe the drama, and the excuse it gives us to be lazy.
This may seem to be my opinion, but the facts are the facts, and the opinion shared by many of the leaders and pundits found in both films. Watching Juan Williams and the ATF's Charles Houser kick out facts that would surprise us all about these two issues would embarrass most Americans.
To find out that most black men are simply wanting a quiet life and family, and that all but an unmeasurably small percentage of assault rifles are owned by law abiding citizens - this is NOT what we find juicy and dramatic. It's much easier to assume that black men are all poor and have no role models, and are forced to live on welfare but can't get by because they have too many baby-mommas, so they start 'bangin' and carrying assault rifles and live a criminal life, right? No one wants to believe that the larger percentage of black men want to finish high school, go to college, meet a nice girl, and never be involved in a cime... even one that involves a gun of any kind.
But, it's true.
The saddest part of our current reality is our arrogance and our ego, and the need we have to follow passion and drama in an attempt to excite our own lives. And in this we have found leaders who are willing to sell us this crap to line their pockets.
Who's to blame? Both pieces point out the leadership we follow who no longer goes out of it's way to solve problems, but instead goes out of it's way to create problems so they have something to solve.
We are the last world power, imagine where we would be if we didn't waste our time on issues that cannot be resolved.
In each piece, the facts remained: 'there will never be a world without racism' and 'there will never be a world without crazies who abuse guns'.
As I watched Shelby Steele make statements like "I lived through segregation, and let me tell you, racism is no longer an excuse as to why you can't make it in America, the only excuse left is yourself", he admits that there will always be discrimination, but that can impact anyone, as people can be discriminated against for their poverty or their wealth or any number of things.
And back to assault rifles, as Brian Sullivan points out that assault rifles have been the victim of discrimination and image. The truth remains that the most commonly used tool for murder in America - is the blunt object. But we can't outlaw all the blunt objects, so we give the evil looking assault rifle the bad rap, and get all excited.
I recently had a woman I know get very emotional about the gun issue, claiming there was no need for people to have "multiple magazine clips". Sadly, anyone who knows the slightest about guns knows that her verbiage makes no sense whatsoever. There is no such thing as a 'multiple magazine clip' - but, she had heard those words in a big dramatic portrayal, and she was going to be a part of it. In the end, any magazine fed gun can have multiple magazines, just like a car can have multiple spare tires... and a clip is used to load magazines, they aren't really the same part.
With that, I was recently told of another person I know who went out of her way to do something she shouldn't have done, in an effort to do the right thing, and in the end it was because she was stopping someone who 'looked shady'. I'm avoiding the details on purpose, but in the end, what made the person look shady to them? They were poor and black. Sad. And worse, in hindsight, they were probably the better course of action which she stopped. Very sad.
So many of us want to be the 'liberal' and fight the 'oppression' and do away with 'dangers' and the 'evils' of modern society. But it's a rare few who want to take the time to find out the facts, and instead fight for the truth, no matter where it lies on party lines.
We have to stop being victims to the hype, and we have to accept the truth. There will always be assholes who point the finger at the poor, other races, other faiths, and so on... and with that, always be assholes who will go out of their way to hurt others by extreme measures.
These are NOT excuses for each of us to stop expecting the best from others. These are NOT reasons to pass 'laws' that tell others how to act and what to own. These are NOT the way to see the world, when we can instead use our time moving forward instead of trying to micro-manage the now.
Because we have become a land that focuses on lies.
What Black Men Think:
http://whatblackmenthink.com/what-black-men-think/
trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIecPA_Q_gA&feature=youtu.be
America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/america-gun-rise-ar-15-tv-review-article-1.1326336
Then as I watched I was reminded of a production I saw on CNBC about a week earlier called "America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15". In that, I expected lengthy information about the evils of firearms and the ways that assault rifles are responsible for that majority of crimes and deaths in the United States. I was wrong.
And I was wrong about "What Black Men Think" as well.
(Links to information on both will be found at the bottom)
Janks Morton created the documentary piece on the views of black men in a way that was extremely informative... but let me cut to the chase for my readers: what you think, probably isn't true. In fact, he goes to great lengths to show that the majority of african-americans believe the same things, and they are wrong.
and, they are victims of hype.
His best example? 'are there more black men in college or jail?' - everyone thinks jail. And why not? we've been sold examples like this for decades, but the reality is that it's skewed. In the film he asks many the same question, and everyone answered 'jail', but the numbers prove otherwise.
From there he goes on to tackle other beliefs, from the loss of family structure to unemployment and many others, and how they impact african-american history. Each of the common beliefs shared by myself, many people I know, and many of those he interviewed were proven to be lies.
Who would tell us these lies?
I then remembered the CNBC piece on the AR15. Since NBC has been long known as part of the 'liberal media' and I assumed a piece from their 'business news network' would tow the usual liberal line of dramatic gun control ideals. And, it definitely did at times, accenting the damage done to human bodies at the Colorado theater shooting, and pointing out that the same model AR15 used there was in the possession of the killer at Sandy Hook.
But then the facts came in: long guns (rifles and shotguns) are responsible for 4% of crimes in the United States, and the AR15 was such a small portion of that 4% that and exact percentage of crimes that involved it or assault weapons in general couldn't (or maybe wouldn't be) given.
Americans have been lead to believe that the AR15 and other assault rifles deserve our attention, review, and legislation. We have also been led to believe that every day black men are using assault rifles to commit crimes in their effort to be... whatever the image of gangsta black men is.
Lies.
We have all become the victims - the WILLING VICTIMS - of what sells. We believe the drama, and the excuse it gives us to be lazy.
This may seem to be my opinion, but the facts are the facts, and the opinion shared by many of the leaders and pundits found in both films. Watching Juan Williams and the ATF's Charles Houser kick out facts that would surprise us all about these two issues would embarrass most Americans.
To find out that most black men are simply wanting a quiet life and family, and that all but an unmeasurably small percentage of assault rifles are owned by law abiding citizens - this is NOT what we find juicy and dramatic. It's much easier to assume that black men are all poor and have no role models, and are forced to live on welfare but can't get by because they have too many baby-mommas, so they start 'bangin' and carrying assault rifles and live a criminal life, right? No one wants to believe that the larger percentage of black men want to finish high school, go to college, meet a nice girl, and never be involved in a cime... even one that involves a gun of any kind.
But, it's true.
The saddest part of our current reality is our arrogance and our ego, and the need we have to follow passion and drama in an attempt to excite our own lives. And in this we have found leaders who are willing to sell us this crap to line their pockets.
Who's to blame? Both pieces point out the leadership we follow who no longer goes out of it's way to solve problems, but instead goes out of it's way to create problems so they have something to solve.
We are the last world power, imagine where we would be if we didn't waste our time on issues that cannot be resolved.
In each piece, the facts remained: 'there will never be a world without racism' and 'there will never be a world without crazies who abuse guns'.
As I watched Shelby Steele make statements like "I lived through segregation, and let me tell you, racism is no longer an excuse as to why you can't make it in America, the only excuse left is yourself", he admits that there will always be discrimination, but that can impact anyone, as people can be discriminated against for their poverty or their wealth or any number of things.
And back to assault rifles, as Brian Sullivan points out that assault rifles have been the victim of discrimination and image. The truth remains that the most commonly used tool for murder in America - is the blunt object. But we can't outlaw all the blunt objects, so we give the evil looking assault rifle the bad rap, and get all excited.
I recently had a woman I know get very emotional about the gun issue, claiming there was no need for people to have "multiple magazine clips". Sadly, anyone who knows the slightest about guns knows that her verbiage makes no sense whatsoever. There is no such thing as a 'multiple magazine clip' - but, she had heard those words in a big dramatic portrayal, and she was going to be a part of it. In the end, any magazine fed gun can have multiple magazines, just like a car can have multiple spare tires... and a clip is used to load magazines, they aren't really the same part.
With that, I was recently told of another person I know who went out of her way to do something she shouldn't have done, in an effort to do the right thing, and in the end it was because she was stopping someone who 'looked shady'. I'm avoiding the details on purpose, but in the end, what made the person look shady to them? They were poor and black. Sad. And worse, in hindsight, they were probably the better course of action which she stopped. Very sad.
So many of us want to be the 'liberal' and fight the 'oppression' and do away with 'dangers' and the 'evils' of modern society. But it's a rare few who want to take the time to find out the facts, and instead fight for the truth, no matter where it lies on party lines.
We have to stop being victims to the hype, and we have to accept the truth. There will always be assholes who point the finger at the poor, other races, other faiths, and so on... and with that, always be assholes who will go out of their way to hurt others by extreme measures.
These are NOT excuses for each of us to stop expecting the best from others. These are NOT reasons to pass 'laws' that tell others how to act and what to own. These are NOT the way to see the world, when we can instead use our time moving forward instead of trying to micro-manage the now.
Because we have become a land that focuses on lies.
What Black Men Think:
http://whatblackmenthink.com/what-black-men-think/
trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIecPA_Q_gA&feature=youtu.be
America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/america-gun-rise-ar-15-tv-review-article-1.1326336
Friday, April 19, 2013
my response to the tragedy at the 2013 Boston Marathon
just after the bombing of the Boston Marathon we announced, footage was shown were only one person seemed to fall down, there was barely a stumble... and i didn't think anyone was hurt. subsequently i made a sarcastic post online which (as details developed) angered a few. well, the actor in me is at least happy that i caused an emotional response, my coaches should be happy with that. however, in the light of the resulting information about the bombing i posted this response:
for what it's worth, my comments were an attempt at satire... my words an example of the over-reaching state of panic expressed in the face of today's problems from the other side of the coin. my problem with all this isn't anyone's view on any one topic as much as it is with the panic and the results of any person or person's deciding they have the right to impede the freedom of another.
the facts of this issue are simple, they are in between the details: more crimes are committed with handguns and shotguns than assault weapons... just like more crops are grown with fertilizer than homemade bombs made with the same chemicals, and more models & crafts are made with exacto knives than college kids cut up in texas... but in our world of panic and confusion, those could come next. the issue isn't fertilizer or guns or craft knives, it's arrogance.
people get emotional and point out the nasty looking things or pick out a scape goat because of a tragedy, and tell others what they do and don't need, because they are on the side of safety! then some emotional and angry version of the conflicting opinion comes in to scream back. then we are all worked up into emotions, and the politicians take advantage of the chance to distract us from pollution, or the economy, or GMO's... and in the end, we lose more freedom and sometimes more.
because the actions of the few should be allowed the limit the actions of the law-abiding many? because after 200 years, the hundreds of millions who lived here happily around fertilizer and guns and knives somehow survived in the face of the few criminals and crazies? because the actions of those crazies are worth the time and effort we could be putting into feeding and educating people and developing ways to help those who need it so that in the future they aren't driven by poverty or mental distress to hurt others?
and really, we can't get to them all. there will always be poverty and crime and the few crazies that slip through the fingers of society. limiting the freedoms of others because of our fears will never stop that.
no... my issue isn't gun control, it's the panic and arrogance that surrounds it. no one wanted to ban planes after 9/11, because it would be illogical to do so. it was proven that 19 hijackers could use 3 planes to kill 3000 people, but we all know it's illogical to ban planes. and we all know it's illogical to ban fertilizer, even though the original attack on the World Trade Center was with truckloads of explosives made with fertilizers. but that's our thing now, right? find something to ban... stop people from being fat by banning large sodas, and stop cancer by banning smoking, right? no... fatties will still find soda, and smokers will still smoke, just like junkies somehow by some miracle of modern society manage to find heroin even though it's been banned for decades.
i am saddened more than most of you will care to notice over the events at this year's Boston marathon, because of the loss of futures and opportunities and the chance for those people to enjoy their lives. and i am reminded of our youth when we could meet our visiting travelers at the gate, when someone could drink a huge soda if they wanted, when women didn't have to worry about having something slipped into their drinks at a bar, when privacy wasn't a concern... because we all didn't have that much to hide.
the solution is not bans or laws or grand posturing by everyone from politicians to the people of facebook... the solution is... well, it's whatever keeps those of us in this discussion from shooting up a bus station while doing heroin and drinking a case of soda. i don't know what to call it, but it's not a law.
maybe i'm the fool for not recognizing all the 'progress' we are making with our modern paranoias. but don't be fooled, laws don't help, you can't 'govern' morality. laws don't make the world a better place any more than a rifle brought bin laden to justice. good people make the world a better place, just like good people finished bin laden.
and good people (not rhetoric, or politics, or laws that limit the people willing to follow them) will make the world a better place in the future.
for what it's worth, my comments were an attempt at satire... my words an example of the over-reaching state of panic expressed in the face of today's problems from the other side of the coin. my problem with all this isn't anyone's view on any one topic as much as it is with the panic and the results of any person or person's deciding they have the right to impede the freedom of another.
the facts of this issue are simple, they are in between the details: more crimes are committed with handguns and shotguns than assault weapons... just like more crops are grown with fertilizer than homemade bombs made with the same chemicals, and more models & crafts are made with exacto knives than college kids cut up in texas... but in our world of panic and confusion, those could come next. the issue isn't fertilizer or guns or craft knives, it's arrogance.
people get emotional and point out the nasty looking things or pick out a scape goat because of a tragedy, and tell others what they do and don't need, because they are on the side of safety! then some emotional and angry version of the conflicting opinion comes in to scream back. then we are all worked up into emotions, and the politicians take advantage of the chance to distract us from pollution, or the economy, or GMO's... and in the end, we lose more freedom and sometimes more.
because the actions of the few should be allowed the limit the actions of the law-abiding many? because after 200 years, the hundreds of millions who lived here happily around fertilizer and guns and knives somehow survived in the face of the few criminals and crazies? because the actions of those crazies are worth the time and effort we could be putting into feeding and educating people and developing ways to help those who need it so that in the future they aren't driven by poverty or mental distress to hurt others?
and really, we can't get to them all. there will always be poverty and crime and the few crazies that slip through the fingers of society. limiting the freedoms of others because of our fears will never stop that.
no... my issue isn't gun control, it's the panic and arrogance that surrounds it. no one wanted to ban planes after 9/11, because it would be illogical to do so. it was proven that 19 hijackers could use 3 planes to kill 3000 people, but we all know it's illogical to ban planes. and we all know it's illogical to ban fertilizer, even though the original attack on the World Trade Center was with truckloads of explosives made with fertilizers. but that's our thing now, right? find something to ban... stop people from being fat by banning large sodas, and stop cancer by banning smoking, right? no... fatties will still find soda, and smokers will still smoke, just like junkies somehow by some miracle of modern society manage to find heroin even though it's been banned for decades.
i am saddened more than most of you will care to notice over the events at this year's Boston marathon, because of the loss of futures and opportunities and the chance for those people to enjoy their lives. and i am reminded of our youth when we could meet our visiting travelers at the gate, when someone could drink a huge soda if they wanted, when women didn't have to worry about having something slipped into their drinks at a bar, when privacy wasn't a concern... because we all didn't have that much to hide.
the solution is not bans or laws or grand posturing by everyone from politicians to the people of facebook... the solution is... well, it's whatever keeps those of us in this discussion from shooting up a bus station while doing heroin and drinking a case of soda. i don't know what to call it, but it's not a law.
maybe i'm the fool for not recognizing all the 'progress' we are making with our modern paranoias. but don't be fooled, laws don't help, you can't 'govern' morality. laws don't make the world a better place any more than a rifle brought bin laden to justice. good people make the world a better place, just like good people finished bin laden.
and good people (not rhetoric, or politics, or laws that limit the people willing to follow them) will make the world a better place in the future.
Monday, March 11, 2013
sad, isn't it?
As many of you know, I had an incident impact me which has caused me to stop using Facebook, lock down my Twitter and my Instagram, and... I'm still working on Pinterest...
why?
BASICALLY, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED:
I posted a picture I took of a friend of mine and something he owned for work, while he was at another friend of mine's house - and a THIRD person made an issue of it to the second friend... and, not just an issue, person 3 blew it entirely out of proportion and caused friend 2 hassle they surely didn't need or deserve.
And, ironically, neither of my two friends in the middle are even on Facebook, and the picture in question was about the device in question... because it was kinda geeky-cool.
The item my friend owned that was featured in the picture isn't political, it wasn't anything that could be used for a religious or moral argument, it was simply a tool the guy used for work. We are trying to recover from the second biggest economic downturn in US history, and you want to cause issues because you saw a picture of a guy and his ability to work???
W-T-F!
Now, it needs to be said that the item wasn't really the problem - it was all the assumption and commentary extrapolated because the first guy had this item. Everything the person said was made up, it was all conjecture, it was completely fabricated and then formulated into what was effectively an accusation.
People: stop making assumptions. If I post a picture of myself holding a gun, am I a murderer? If I post a picture of you holding a chicken, are you a farmer? If I post a picture of an item, maybe I just think the item is cool, maybe i think it has class, or maybe I like it's history - and maybe you have no idea what else is going on. Ask if you want, but ask me, don't ask others with accusation.
(i realize that i'm being very vague here, but that's the point, you have to know a lot about all the players involved to add anything to what i posted because it was simply about a tool one guy used for work)
Understandably, friend number 2 was annoyed... and while he understands that the focus of the picture wasn't him, or his house, or what was or wasn't happening, there was enough information there for someone to compile their own fantasy of possibilities in their mind and make a stink.
A stink about something that had NOTHING to do with them... delivered in a pleasant enough tone and with enough innuendo to make the point that they are thinking a certain way.
DRAMA. people... stop making ASSUMPTIONS
....so, after dealing with this person, friend 2 was upset and conveyed it to me - and i was feeling my friend's unhappiness. because i posted a picture when friend 2 wasn't even there, a seemingly unimportant picture, that really made no sense to anyone, my friend is unhappy with my use of social media.
now - who's at fault? well, we all know that really, the third person who made the stink is the asshole here. but, my friend was unhappy with me, stating that he wanted nothing that could possibly ever have to do with him to be found on Facebook.
and sadly, i understand why. in fact, i almost feel guilty about telling the public the story as to why, and only do so because there are but 4 people who can figure out who i'm talking about, in fact friend 1 isn't even aware of all this happening, and i seriously doubt they care enough to read this blog.
(if you do read this however, color me impressed!)
WHY DO PEOPLE CAUSE THESE PROBLEMS?
for years i published all my posts PUBLICLY, anything i thought or saw could be seen by the world.
in general, any requests people made to me to censor anything were ignored - but, i had someone come to me with their concerns and it was someone who's opinion i respected, and someone who had been burned by the internet in the past... so, i restricted my posts to 'Friends of Friends'.
as much as i can come off as a fool at times, i do one thing that no one can deny or argue with: i lead a life which i can be completely open about. you could post every minute of my life on the 'front page of the newspaper' (as my mother used to say), and really, i have nothing to hide.
some would argue that it's because i'm not married, or because my parent's aren't paying attention... i argue this: I'm not doing anything wrong.
my years of habitual drinking are long gone, i have never been a drug user, i don't sleep with married women... and really, i don't even feel like 'playing the field' anymore, i don't do anything criminal - and thusly, i have nothing to hide.
even if i was married - so what? if i'm married and she has to be concerned about how i spend my time away from her - what i'm doing isn't the problem, and we need to get to a counselor and get some truth out about why this is an issue.
and my parents... well i'm sure there are plenty of things they won't want to know, but at the same time i should be leading a life where i can tell my parents anything, right?
and my two friends that linked me to the problem in this situation - there's a reason they're friends of mine: it's because they aren't drunks, they don't cheat on their wife/girlfirend, they don't do drugs or anything criminal... they don't do anything wrong.
are my friends and i perfect? no. no one else is going to agree with out we live our lives, we don't even agree without the other two lives. 1 of them is constantly working and the other is constantly coming up with new random things to do or buy or get into or try - it's practically impossible to keep up. but they are good men, they are good to their friends. the one loves his girlfriend and the other loves his wife. and they are both (generally) honest.
why did i have to say '(generally)'? because sadly, they are now sucked into the life of having to live in a grey area of existence where often things are not volunteered or discussed because other people see it as social bait, and it causes a desire to climb into their lives and rattle around.
WHY?? what is wrong with people??
here's what i post on my social networks - i post about MY life. i don't post reports on other people's lives, i post about MY life. and i am lucky enough to have other people in my life, good people, and if they are in my life, they may end up in a post.
and now, it's causing them problems... because some people are too busy climbing into other people's lives.
we have abused the system, again.
people should not have to live in a world where they are constantly worried about how other people think of them. WHY DO YOU CARE?
and really, i mean that on both sides of the fence:
first - what is wrong with you people that are constantly worried about what other people are doing, or how they spend their money, or where they go on a tuesday night? we should all be able to lead our lives proudly without you outside people peering in to get bits and pieces and make their own assumptions of what fills in the blanks - only to twist it into some tasty piece of drama for to feed on since their own life isn't satisfying enough. if you're so insecure that the best you can do with social media is look for ways to throw other people under any possible bus, then do the grown up thing and seek help. if you want to spend your time caring what other people do, feel free i guess and be some kind of Perez Hilton, but keep it to yourself, and keep your facts straight... your interpretation is not needed.
second - the people who are being watched... yes, i must ask why you care. now - you people actually have a reason at times. when the first group causes you problems, that's a reason to care. in my current situation, we have a reason to care... because some extra uninvolved person saw just enough to make something up in their own mind and start a finger pointing session. but - i want to make the point that on some level, when there's no chance for hassle... fuck them, let the haters hate. because it's only proof that our lives are grand when they can't be happy on their own.
for now - i am really annoyed.
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
i have another friend, a good friend, a lifelong friend... who i couldn't understand at times when i was young. he spent a LOT of money on cars, and regrets it terribly now that he sees the looming cost of college in his future. but back then, he was always getting a new car when the rest of us were lucky to have hand-me-down cars if anything at all. his cars were fancy and expensive, and he always wanted a new one... and in the end, people always wanted to know about it. finally one day he was giving me his usual complaints about people and i reminded him that he wouldn't have the problem if he would stop buying new expensive cars all the time. this was not acceptable to him... he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without being hassled by others.
this is not how life works people. sadly, it's not. i want to line up all the people who cared so much about his new cars and yell out, "WHY DO YOU CARE??"
because they shouldn't have.
so people - here's the lesson here: focus on yourself, then consider yourself lucky to have the life you have. just being on Facebook means it's safe to assume you have a better life than most of the people in this world.
if you're life is so perfect that you cannot be hassled, then you should focus on keeping that up. and if your life is such a mess you stare longingly into the lives of others, stop, and work on yourself.
self-help activity number 1: try to spend the rest of your life only saying good things about others.
after the age of 21 we should all know the difference between right and wrong... and somewhere in that, how to not make a spectacle of yourself. life has unspoken rules that make it simple... don't be the guy who throws your dad's name around... don't be the girl who sleeps with married men... and don't make excuses about it being ok with your dad, or the married guy being separated at the time. don't cut corners and keep life in balance.
lead a life you can be proud of, and communicate with those around you instead of lying. life isn't about waiting around for the chance to make yourself look better by lowering other people to where you think you are.
and if your life is only in balance because it's flat and lifeless, then work on your own life instead of worrying about the jackass ego maniac guy or the girl who acts like a floozie. trust me, none of our lives are perfect.
in my situation, my friend called me eventually and laughed about it all... still wanting me to keep his life off facebook, just because he doesn't want to deal with the hassle. and sadly, i now understand.
and now, i question my own life in social media... and after posting last night that i planned on ending my run online there were many comments and private emails.
i appreciate them all, we are lucky to live in a time where distance no longer separates us. i'm lucky that i can maintain my friendship on a daily level with my roommate from boarding school, and foster a new friendship with his daughter while she's in college, all through social media. i consider myself blessed to know that people keep up with me, and just as it was a problem at first, it was a blessing when my friend called me to laugh about all the comments you had all made which he had heard about from his family.
this is how life should be, how we should all get along, where we can all communicate and be open and honest with each other. so let's lead good lives, stop climbing into other people's lives, and let people feel free to be themselves.
...that lifelong friend and i were out to lunch one day recently, and i thought about his reluctance to make any posts online, and asked him, "is there anything at all you would publicly say to the whole world?". he thought for a minute and replied, "thats a good question, and i know i should at least be able to tell the world how much i love my son, but in the end... no, i just couldn't do it."
this man, this good man, this man who hasn't had a drink in decades, quit smoking, saves his money, owns his own business, is generous, would never cheat on his wife, and loves his son more than anything else in existence has been so scarred by the hassle of other people's prying into his life that he now effectively lives in fear. he later told me that he knew he should be able to, but he just couldn't
sad, isn't it?
why?
BASICALLY, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED:
I posted a picture I took of a friend of mine and something he owned for work, while he was at another friend of mine's house - and a THIRD person made an issue of it to the second friend... and, not just an issue, person 3 blew it entirely out of proportion and caused friend 2 hassle they surely didn't need or deserve.
And, ironically, neither of my two friends in the middle are even on Facebook, and the picture in question was about the device in question... because it was kinda geeky-cool.
The item my friend owned that was featured in the picture isn't political, it wasn't anything that could be used for a religious or moral argument, it was simply a tool the guy used for work. We are trying to recover from the second biggest economic downturn in US history, and you want to cause issues because you saw a picture of a guy and his ability to work???
W-T-F!
Now, it needs to be said that the item wasn't really the problem - it was all the assumption and commentary extrapolated because the first guy had this item. Everything the person said was made up, it was all conjecture, it was completely fabricated and then formulated into what was effectively an accusation.
People: stop making assumptions. If I post a picture of myself holding a gun, am I a murderer? If I post a picture of you holding a chicken, are you a farmer? If I post a picture of an item, maybe I just think the item is cool, maybe i think it has class, or maybe I like it's history - and maybe you have no idea what else is going on. Ask if you want, but ask me, don't ask others with accusation.
(i realize that i'm being very vague here, but that's the point, you have to know a lot about all the players involved to add anything to what i posted because it was simply about a tool one guy used for work)
Understandably, friend number 2 was annoyed... and while he understands that the focus of the picture wasn't him, or his house, or what was or wasn't happening, there was enough information there for someone to compile their own fantasy of possibilities in their mind and make a stink.
A stink about something that had NOTHING to do with them... delivered in a pleasant enough tone and with enough innuendo to make the point that they are thinking a certain way.
DRAMA. people... stop making ASSUMPTIONS
....so, after dealing with this person, friend 2 was upset and conveyed it to me - and i was feeling my friend's unhappiness. because i posted a picture when friend 2 wasn't even there, a seemingly unimportant picture, that really made no sense to anyone, my friend is unhappy with my use of social media.
now - who's at fault? well, we all know that really, the third person who made the stink is the asshole here. but, my friend was unhappy with me, stating that he wanted nothing that could possibly ever have to do with him to be found on Facebook.
and sadly, i understand why. in fact, i almost feel guilty about telling the public the story as to why, and only do so because there are but 4 people who can figure out who i'm talking about, in fact friend 1 isn't even aware of all this happening, and i seriously doubt they care enough to read this blog.
(if you do read this however, color me impressed!)
WHY DO PEOPLE CAUSE THESE PROBLEMS?
for years i published all my posts PUBLICLY, anything i thought or saw could be seen by the world.
in general, any requests people made to me to censor anything were ignored - but, i had someone come to me with their concerns and it was someone who's opinion i respected, and someone who had been burned by the internet in the past... so, i restricted my posts to 'Friends of Friends'.
as much as i can come off as a fool at times, i do one thing that no one can deny or argue with: i lead a life which i can be completely open about. you could post every minute of my life on the 'front page of the newspaper' (as my mother used to say), and really, i have nothing to hide.
some would argue that it's because i'm not married, or because my parent's aren't paying attention... i argue this: I'm not doing anything wrong.
my years of habitual drinking are long gone, i have never been a drug user, i don't sleep with married women... and really, i don't even feel like 'playing the field' anymore, i don't do anything criminal - and thusly, i have nothing to hide.
even if i was married - so what? if i'm married and she has to be concerned about how i spend my time away from her - what i'm doing isn't the problem, and we need to get to a counselor and get some truth out about why this is an issue.
and my parents... well i'm sure there are plenty of things they won't want to know, but at the same time i should be leading a life where i can tell my parents anything, right?
and my two friends that linked me to the problem in this situation - there's a reason they're friends of mine: it's because they aren't drunks, they don't cheat on their wife/girlfirend, they don't do drugs or anything criminal... they don't do anything wrong.
are my friends and i perfect? no. no one else is going to agree with out we live our lives, we don't even agree without the other two lives. 1 of them is constantly working and the other is constantly coming up with new random things to do or buy or get into or try - it's practically impossible to keep up. but they are good men, they are good to their friends. the one loves his girlfriend and the other loves his wife. and they are both (generally) honest.
why did i have to say '(generally)'? because sadly, they are now sucked into the life of having to live in a grey area of existence where often things are not volunteered or discussed because other people see it as social bait, and it causes a desire to climb into their lives and rattle around.
WHY?? what is wrong with people??
here's what i post on my social networks - i post about MY life. i don't post reports on other people's lives, i post about MY life. and i am lucky enough to have other people in my life, good people, and if they are in my life, they may end up in a post.
and now, it's causing them problems... because some people are too busy climbing into other people's lives.
we have abused the system, again.
people should not have to live in a world where they are constantly worried about how other people think of them. WHY DO YOU CARE?
and really, i mean that on both sides of the fence:
first - what is wrong with you people that are constantly worried about what other people are doing, or how they spend their money, or where they go on a tuesday night? we should all be able to lead our lives proudly without you outside people peering in to get bits and pieces and make their own assumptions of what fills in the blanks - only to twist it into some tasty piece of drama for to feed on since their own life isn't satisfying enough. if you're so insecure that the best you can do with social media is look for ways to throw other people under any possible bus, then do the grown up thing and seek help. if you want to spend your time caring what other people do, feel free i guess and be some kind of Perez Hilton, but keep it to yourself, and keep your facts straight... your interpretation is not needed.
second - the people who are being watched... yes, i must ask why you care. now - you people actually have a reason at times. when the first group causes you problems, that's a reason to care. in my current situation, we have a reason to care... because some extra uninvolved person saw just enough to make something up in their own mind and start a finger pointing session. but - i want to make the point that on some level, when there's no chance for hassle... fuck them, let the haters hate. because it's only proof that our lives are grand when they can't be happy on their own.
for now - i am really annoyed.
MISERY LOVES COMPANY
i have another friend, a good friend, a lifelong friend... who i couldn't understand at times when i was young. he spent a LOT of money on cars, and regrets it terribly now that he sees the looming cost of college in his future. but back then, he was always getting a new car when the rest of us were lucky to have hand-me-down cars if anything at all. his cars were fancy and expensive, and he always wanted a new one... and in the end, people always wanted to know about it. finally one day he was giving me his usual complaints about people and i reminded him that he wouldn't have the problem if he would stop buying new expensive cars all the time. this was not acceptable to him... he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without being hassled by others.
this is not how life works people. sadly, it's not. i want to line up all the people who cared so much about his new cars and yell out, "WHY DO YOU CARE??"
because they shouldn't have.
so people - here's the lesson here: focus on yourself, then consider yourself lucky to have the life you have. just being on Facebook means it's safe to assume you have a better life than most of the people in this world.
if you're life is so perfect that you cannot be hassled, then you should focus on keeping that up. and if your life is such a mess you stare longingly into the lives of others, stop, and work on yourself.
self-help activity number 1: try to spend the rest of your life only saying good things about others.
after the age of 21 we should all know the difference between right and wrong... and somewhere in that, how to not make a spectacle of yourself. life has unspoken rules that make it simple... don't be the guy who throws your dad's name around... don't be the girl who sleeps with married men... and don't make excuses about it being ok with your dad, or the married guy being separated at the time. don't cut corners and keep life in balance.
lead a life you can be proud of, and communicate with those around you instead of lying. life isn't about waiting around for the chance to make yourself look better by lowering other people to where you think you are.
and if your life is only in balance because it's flat and lifeless, then work on your own life instead of worrying about the jackass ego maniac guy or the girl who acts like a floozie. trust me, none of our lives are perfect.
in my situation, my friend called me eventually and laughed about it all... still wanting me to keep his life off facebook, just because he doesn't want to deal with the hassle. and sadly, i now understand.
and now, i question my own life in social media... and after posting last night that i planned on ending my run online there were many comments and private emails.
i appreciate them all, we are lucky to live in a time where distance no longer separates us. i'm lucky that i can maintain my friendship on a daily level with my roommate from boarding school, and foster a new friendship with his daughter while she's in college, all through social media. i consider myself blessed to know that people keep up with me, and just as it was a problem at first, it was a blessing when my friend called me to laugh about all the comments you had all made which he had heard about from his family.
this is how life should be, how we should all get along, where we can all communicate and be open and honest with each other. so let's lead good lives, stop climbing into other people's lives, and let people feel free to be themselves.
...that lifelong friend and i were out to lunch one day recently, and i thought about his reluctance to make any posts online, and asked him, "is there anything at all you would publicly say to the whole world?". he thought for a minute and replied, "thats a good question, and i know i should at least be able to tell the world how much i love my son, but in the end... no, i just couldn't do it."
this man, this good man, this man who hasn't had a drink in decades, quit smoking, saves his money, owns his own business, is generous, would never cheat on his wife, and loves his son more than anything else in existence has been so scarred by the hassle of other people's prying into his life that he now effectively lives in fear. he later told me that he knew he should be able to, but he just couldn't
sad, isn't it?
Monday, February 18, 2013
Tired of Being Single?
Today is Valentines Day... a day when we are all so happy to be in love, and when we are all so love...
So here's the deal, I find all this laughable.
everything in life is a transaction... don't make any assumptions on that statement. love is not prostitution, but you hang out with your friends because you enjoy your time with them... and you love your dog because of the unconditional love you get back. if your friends developed crack habits and your dog started biting you every day, you'd ditch them.
however, the friends eventually bring you drama, and the dog will eventually shit in the living room, but you put up with it because the good outweighs the bad. everything in life is balance. love however seems to have really screwed up scales - which are thrown off by your psychology, the impact life and family and money and time and friends have on you and others, and your willingness to accept the harsh reality of sharing yourself.
THE BASICS:
Men are roaming the planet thinking they are 'MEN' and they deserve the 'BEST', when all they really bring to the table is some inflated sense of self worth blessed upon them by society.
...and sadly, after 41 years, I've realized that most of the men i know who have cheated on their wives are the same men who are always buying their wives new cars and giving their kids the latest electronics - not because they want their family to have the best, but because they want other people to see how well they 'provide'.
Women have it worse off, as modern society now makes them compete with men as equals - but, they also have to somehow remain sexy and perfect and docile... which has really left them in some bullshit quandary where so many of them exude some false sense of confidence and pride that is at best unattractive.
...and somehow that has resulted in a modern breed of women filled with faux pride - you see them online, constantly 'complaining' about how bad their kids are, or how much wine they need, or how bad men are... all things they wouldn't have to deal with if they had the self confidence to love their lives.
And now you're single, possibly divorced, you may or may not have children. With that you're probably telling yourself a lengthy list of excuses to explain why.
Some of my favorites:
"all the men/women I meet are psychos" - certainly this has nothing to do with your selection process, it just 'happens' over and over again. no one only attracts psychos, but everyone has the option of subconsciously chasing the wrong people.
"people don't understand me" - so... you've made yourself too complex, or do you change constantly? if no one 'understands' you, then you're basically complaining that you're some massive puzzle that probably changes constantly. those of us in reality call that 'unstable'. unstable people are awesome for one night stands and if you're fun, people may even want to bring you to parties to see what kind of crazy event you'll foster. no one wants to take you home permanently, grow up.
"i have kids, none of the people i date get that" - well, that will happen when you keep dating childless singles who are 15 years younger than you. I'm sorry the corresponding people in your demographic are also strapped with kids and probably also out of shape. still, trying looking at people with a similar situation before you scar your kids mentally.
"no one can handle me!" - yeah, that statement in itself is unappeasing... ask yourself if you can 'handle' driving a car with no windows and a crank start. sure, you could do it, but why would you want to? that's how other people see you. consider introspection, and if you can't be honest with yourself, try being honest with your much needed therapist.
"there aren't any attractive people here" - thank god the region was blessed with your epic good looks to balance that out. it's also completely possible that you're afraid to give anyone a chance, so you're making excuses. let your guard down - don't lower your standards, but don't complain if your sole review of others is looks.
"i've been too busy" - anyone who says that needs to know that everyone is laughing at them behind their back. everyone, even your mother, who wishes you would get yourself together, and especially your friends who hate the fact that you think they are stupid enough not to see the truth. get off your ass and make some time, you aren't that important.
"the men/women i meet bring nothing to the table" - are you picking up dates at a homeless shelter or does this mean you bring everything possible to the table? are you that awesome? well, if you are the corporate super-executive, lottery winner, who looks like a model, and writes novels in your free time as you wind down from all your charity work - but somehow you can't find love... it's possible you're not actually looking. it's also completely possible that maybe what you need is someone who bring their willingness to tolerate you to the table and nothing else.
IF YOU ARE SINGLE THIS VALENTINES DAY AND WANT THAT TO CHANGE:
First assess yourself.
Ask yourself if you see your own flaws. Ask yourself if people can talk to you about your shortcomings. Ask yourself what you like about yourself and what scares you about yourself. If your family and friends can't tell you when you're being a jackass without you flipping out on them, odds are you're not ready for a real relationship, and you probably need to fix that first.
Love should be a connection of minds, but it usually starts with a physical attraction and your willingness to let your guard down. If you think about the current romantic movies like The Vow or The Notebook, they involve men who are passionately in love.
Funny Side Fact: Ryan Gosling was cast by the director of that film because the director didn't want someone who was 'too good looking' - then (as a lot of women like to forget) he spent the majority of that film poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and quietly lovelorn. Would you give a guy a chance if he was poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and lovelorn? Just think, he may decide to shave and shower and spend the rest of his life reminding you every day what love means.
But, he can't if you're too busy chasing the David Beckham look-alike at the gym where you attempt to work off the 2800 calories a day that you'll never burn because you don't want to get sweaty and ruin your makeup... you don't understand life.
Life isn't all that complex in many ways. You have to see your own flaws and address the ones that can be addressed before you can expect that from others.
Would you date you?
Second assess your options.
If you spend all your time with your parents, and hanging out with your married friends helping them take care of their kids, and working at the steel mill - surprise, you aren't going to meet anyone.
If you spend all your time with your ex bf/gf who acts like they want you back but won't pull the trigger - here's a clue, they aren't going to, because they don't have to, because you won't leave them.
If you don't have the balls to clean yourself up and get out there, you're not going to make any progress in finding a relationship. While it's completely possible to find love in an online video game or while at your friend's baby shower... the odds are small.
And look at ALL your options... the hot woman who spends all her time working on her body, or the guy who's the life of the party may be the two most appealing people in the room. Odds are she's vapid, and he's not telling you about the nasty divorce that occurred after he got caught nailing his secretary. Somewhere in that room is a person who's the sleeper, somewhere in that room is someone who's attractive and nice without being a spectacle. Look for that person... they'll be the woman you can talk to and the guy you can trust.
Third, assess your situation.
Men, you want to be comfortable and accepted for who you are, but realize that woman like a guy who can at least attempt to put together some kind of decent look. Take a shower, look nice... but don't be prettier than her. The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not ego.
Women, I get it, you spent your whole life comparing yourself to the woman on TV and barely made it through those awkward years where your boobs were too small or so big that no man ever looked you in the eye. Don't be afraid to be sexy, in the end real sexy comes from inside, and it is completely possible to have cleavage and class. No man wants to marry a whore, but no man wants to get stuck with a woman who has never owned a vibrator and is afraid to be naked. The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not false pride.
If your have trouble talking to others, and they won't talk to you, figure out why. It is COMPLETELY possible that you are too attractive. Just like you may be afraid to just walk up and talk to someone, if you are always perfectly dressed and have a perfect body, the odds are high that many will be afraid to talk to you because no one wants to be shot down by someone who looks awesome. It's also completely possible that you aren't catching people's eyes, or that you're the girl who's with 4 dudes, or that sitting somewhere with your swimsuit model sister may keep women from talking to you. Maybe, just maybe, you should try growing some balls and talking to others.
And consider what impacts your life, but don't force it on other people...
Single parents (for example) have to factor in their kids. Children of parents who have to be taken care of are in a similar situation. Some people are actually trapped into lives which can cause problems, and if you actually are on the President's staff and must live a monitored life that has you constantly traveling, then you have to do whatever it takes to get around this problem so that other people aren't wasting their time on you.
But any situation can be addressed - and some situations that can appear as problems can actually make things easier with the right people. Single parents can make 'play dates', and most high power jobs factor in people's social life by offering events that encourage people to bring dates. Often, your situation can help you filter out people who are not an option, OR secretly provide an insight... but, you have to be willing to think outside the box. A parent 'play date' in public let's you see how the other person treats their kids, and can help you see how they handle life. If you're a corporate super-exec you may have company tickets to events, and you can see how they handle things in your life.
Your life includes factors that make your life, some of which are not by choice. Family responsibilities, career, health issues, all factor in your relationships - you should be able to share that, but not make it someone else's burden. Impressing them with you, should make them want to help.
And realize that your assets could easily be a burden as well. Having a lot of money and taking someone out to shower them with everything grand could make you look like an ass, or worse leave you surrounded with people who only want that. This is important: Showering someone with your wealth is NOT the same as SHARING your wealth with someone. And there's nothing wrong with a woman picking up the check so that both of you can have some time together (but realize that some men aren't secure enough to deal with that all the time). Know when someone wants to be with you for you, then you can share everything with them.
Really, all of this assumes you're not playing any games and over thinking it all. Time spent on a playdate with someone who's not great with kids, doesn't mean they are a bad parent - maybe you two are the perfect combination for those kids, and each other.
And, when you're ready.
You have to want reality, and you have to know and accept the real you. You have to accept as much as you want to be accepted, and first you have to know yourself well enough to bring the real you to the table. Maybe you're not able to handle that, if you want it, maybe you need to make some changes.
So here's the deal, I find all this laughable.
everything in life is a transaction... don't make any assumptions on that statement. love is not prostitution, but you hang out with your friends because you enjoy your time with them... and you love your dog because of the unconditional love you get back. if your friends developed crack habits and your dog started biting you every day, you'd ditch them.
however, the friends eventually bring you drama, and the dog will eventually shit in the living room, but you put up with it because the good outweighs the bad. everything in life is balance. love however seems to have really screwed up scales - which are thrown off by your psychology, the impact life and family and money and time and friends have on you and others, and your willingness to accept the harsh reality of sharing yourself.
THE BASICS:
Men are roaming the planet thinking they are 'MEN' and they deserve the 'BEST', when all they really bring to the table is some inflated sense of self worth blessed upon them by society.
...and sadly, after 41 years, I've realized that most of the men i know who have cheated on their wives are the same men who are always buying their wives new cars and giving their kids the latest electronics - not because they want their family to have the best, but because they want other people to see how well they 'provide'.
Women have it worse off, as modern society now makes them compete with men as equals - but, they also have to somehow remain sexy and perfect and docile... which has really left them in some bullshit quandary where so many of them exude some false sense of confidence and pride that is at best unattractive.
...and somehow that has resulted in a modern breed of women filled with faux pride - you see them online, constantly 'complaining' about how bad their kids are, or how much wine they need, or how bad men are... all things they wouldn't have to deal with if they had the self confidence to love their lives.
And now you're single, possibly divorced, you may or may not have children. With that you're probably telling yourself a lengthy list of excuses to explain why.
Some of my favorites:
"all the men/women I meet are psychos" - certainly this has nothing to do with your selection process, it just 'happens' over and over again. no one only attracts psychos, but everyone has the option of subconsciously chasing the wrong people.
"people don't understand me" - so... you've made yourself too complex, or do you change constantly? if no one 'understands' you, then you're basically complaining that you're some massive puzzle that probably changes constantly. those of us in reality call that 'unstable'. unstable people are awesome for one night stands and if you're fun, people may even want to bring you to parties to see what kind of crazy event you'll foster. no one wants to take you home permanently, grow up.
"i have kids, none of the people i date get that" - well, that will happen when you keep dating childless singles who are 15 years younger than you. I'm sorry the corresponding people in your demographic are also strapped with kids and probably also out of shape. still, trying looking at people with a similar situation before you scar your kids mentally.
"no one can handle me!" - yeah, that statement in itself is unappeasing... ask yourself if you can 'handle' driving a car with no windows and a crank start. sure, you could do it, but why would you want to? that's how other people see you. consider introspection, and if you can't be honest with yourself, try being honest with your much needed therapist.
"there aren't any attractive people here" - thank god the region was blessed with your epic good looks to balance that out. it's also completely possible that you're afraid to give anyone a chance, so you're making excuses. let your guard down - don't lower your standards, but don't complain if your sole review of others is looks.
"i've been too busy" - anyone who says that needs to know that everyone is laughing at them behind their back. everyone, even your mother, who wishes you would get yourself together, and especially your friends who hate the fact that you think they are stupid enough not to see the truth. get off your ass and make some time, you aren't that important.
"the men/women i meet bring nothing to the table" - are you picking up dates at a homeless shelter or does this mean you bring everything possible to the table? are you that awesome? well, if you are the corporate super-executive, lottery winner, who looks like a model, and writes novels in your free time as you wind down from all your charity work - but somehow you can't find love... it's possible you're not actually looking. it's also completely possible that maybe what you need is someone who bring their willingness to tolerate you to the table and nothing else.
IF YOU ARE SINGLE THIS VALENTINES DAY AND WANT THAT TO CHANGE:
First assess yourself.
Ask yourself if you see your own flaws. Ask yourself if people can talk to you about your shortcomings. Ask yourself what you like about yourself and what scares you about yourself. If your family and friends can't tell you when you're being a jackass without you flipping out on them, odds are you're not ready for a real relationship, and you probably need to fix that first.
Love should be a connection of minds, but it usually starts with a physical attraction and your willingness to let your guard down. If you think about the current romantic movies like The Vow or The Notebook, they involve men who are passionately in love.
Funny Side Fact: Ryan Gosling was cast by the director of that film because the director didn't want someone who was 'too good looking' - then (as a lot of women like to forget) he spent the majority of that film poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and quietly lovelorn. Would you give a guy a chance if he was poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and lovelorn? Just think, he may decide to shave and shower and spend the rest of his life reminding you every day what love means.
But, he can't if you're too busy chasing the David Beckham look-alike at the gym where you attempt to work off the 2800 calories a day that you'll never burn because you don't want to get sweaty and ruin your makeup... you don't understand life.
Life isn't all that complex in many ways. You have to see your own flaws and address the ones that can be addressed before you can expect that from others.
Would you date you?
Second assess your options.
If you spend all your time with your parents, and hanging out with your married friends helping them take care of their kids, and working at the steel mill - surprise, you aren't going to meet anyone.
If you spend all your time with your ex bf/gf who acts like they want you back but won't pull the trigger - here's a clue, they aren't going to, because they don't have to, because you won't leave them.
If you don't have the balls to clean yourself up and get out there, you're not going to make any progress in finding a relationship. While it's completely possible to find love in an online video game or while at your friend's baby shower... the odds are small.
And look at ALL your options... the hot woman who spends all her time working on her body, or the guy who's the life of the party may be the two most appealing people in the room. Odds are she's vapid, and he's not telling you about the nasty divorce that occurred after he got caught nailing his secretary. Somewhere in that room is a person who's the sleeper, somewhere in that room is someone who's attractive and nice without being a spectacle. Look for that person... they'll be the woman you can talk to and the guy you can trust.
Third, assess your situation.
Men, you want to be comfortable and accepted for who you are, but realize that woman like a guy who can at least attempt to put together some kind of decent look. Take a shower, look nice... but don't be prettier than her. The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not ego.
Women, I get it, you spent your whole life comparing yourself to the woman on TV and barely made it through those awkward years where your boobs were too small or so big that no man ever looked you in the eye. Don't be afraid to be sexy, in the end real sexy comes from inside, and it is completely possible to have cleavage and class. No man wants to marry a whore, but no man wants to get stuck with a woman who has never owned a vibrator and is afraid to be naked. The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not false pride.
If your have trouble talking to others, and they won't talk to you, figure out why. It is COMPLETELY possible that you are too attractive. Just like you may be afraid to just walk up and talk to someone, if you are always perfectly dressed and have a perfect body, the odds are high that many will be afraid to talk to you because no one wants to be shot down by someone who looks awesome. It's also completely possible that you aren't catching people's eyes, or that you're the girl who's with 4 dudes, or that sitting somewhere with your swimsuit model sister may keep women from talking to you. Maybe, just maybe, you should try growing some balls and talking to others.
And consider what impacts your life, but don't force it on other people...
Single parents (for example) have to factor in their kids. Children of parents who have to be taken care of are in a similar situation. Some people are actually trapped into lives which can cause problems, and if you actually are on the President's staff and must live a monitored life that has you constantly traveling, then you have to do whatever it takes to get around this problem so that other people aren't wasting their time on you.
But any situation can be addressed - and some situations that can appear as problems can actually make things easier with the right people. Single parents can make 'play dates', and most high power jobs factor in people's social life by offering events that encourage people to bring dates. Often, your situation can help you filter out people who are not an option, OR secretly provide an insight... but, you have to be willing to think outside the box. A parent 'play date' in public let's you see how the other person treats their kids, and can help you see how they handle life. If you're a corporate super-exec you may have company tickets to events, and you can see how they handle things in your life.
Your life includes factors that make your life, some of which are not by choice. Family responsibilities, career, health issues, all factor in your relationships - you should be able to share that, but not make it someone else's burden. Impressing them with you, should make them want to help.
And realize that your assets could easily be a burden as well. Having a lot of money and taking someone out to shower them with everything grand could make you look like an ass, or worse leave you surrounded with people who only want that. This is important: Showering someone with your wealth is NOT the same as SHARING your wealth with someone. And there's nothing wrong with a woman picking up the check so that both of you can have some time together (but realize that some men aren't secure enough to deal with that all the time). Know when someone wants to be with you for you, then you can share everything with them.
Really, all of this assumes you're not playing any games and over thinking it all. Time spent on a playdate with someone who's not great with kids, doesn't mean they are a bad parent - maybe you two are the perfect combination for those kids, and each other.
And, when you're ready.
You have to want reality, and you have to know and accept the real you. You have to accept as much as you want to be accepted, and first you have to know yourself well enough to bring the real you to the table. Maybe you're not able to handle that, if you want it, maybe you need to make some changes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
St. Louis loses a great - and it wasn't Stan the Man
i woke up this morning the same way a few other people i know did, to a phone call from our crying mothers.
mine was abrupt, in fact, i thought i was in trouble, "im going to make this short" she said, "ok" i replied...
and really, my generation lives in bliss because of their generation, its a fact, so i have no pre-disposition to unpleasant news. plus, she was in what seemed to be an emotional state, and holding back something.
"Margie Sicking died last night" she said painfully. and i was silent.
"ok" i replied... there was nothing else i could say.
"ok, i have to go" mom replied, then she hung up, obviously to let loose the tears that had been flowing since she heard.
Margie Sicking had been operated on the day before, and had a surgery my mother had gone through just two years ago. Unfortunately, she didn't make it more than a few hours past the surgery and passed in the night, assumably quietly in her sleep, as she deserved to go.
She had lost her husband 3 years ago, and a sister each year since. After 8 decades of being just about one of the most social people you could imagine, she was losing those in her life.
And while she had grown up in society and always been social, it was her giving nature that really made her a great person.
Her life was not perfect, she loved children more than anyone could imagine, but was unable to have any of her own. Her husband was a genius, but like many mental giants had his own demons and always had a million projects going at a time, leaving life and home often in disarray. And in this, she was always there for others, and became an integral part in the lives of so many that when they had sadness - she experienced sadness.
This morning I described her as a woman with no children, so instead my sister and I, and many of our friends who were the children of her friends, were her children. She managed to send us all a card on every holiday, and every birthday, and make it to every celebration - and as children do, we all took her for granted. She took some of us in when we would fight with our parents, she helped some of us get jobs, she was always willing to do us a favor... while rarely asking anything of us in return. In fact, she rarely asked anyone for anything, giving was her thing.
She was a physical therapist by trade, and in 1987 when I had an accident that involved me on a skateboard and some oncoming traffic, she was there to monitor my progress and help get me back on my feet. And helping me was just barely a glimmer in the light she brought to the world.
Countless people from refugees families adopted by our church to the disabled children of friends would owe their lives to Margaret Sicking. But to her, it was just how you were supposed to live.
Again I am forced to wonder where we are headed as a world when I see so few from my generation living as so many did from the generation before us. I cannot think of who from my peers will be the one who can even begin to show the world the same gift that she was.
Rest In Peace Aunt Margie, your children will miss you.
mine was abrupt, in fact, i thought i was in trouble, "im going to make this short" she said, "ok" i replied...
and really, my generation lives in bliss because of their generation, its a fact, so i have no pre-disposition to unpleasant news. plus, she was in what seemed to be an emotional state, and holding back something.
"Margie Sicking died last night" she said painfully. and i was silent.
"ok" i replied... there was nothing else i could say.
"ok, i have to go" mom replied, then she hung up, obviously to let loose the tears that had been flowing since she heard.
Margie Sicking had been operated on the day before, and had a surgery my mother had gone through just two years ago. Unfortunately, she didn't make it more than a few hours past the surgery and passed in the night, assumably quietly in her sleep, as she deserved to go.
She had lost her husband 3 years ago, and a sister each year since. After 8 decades of being just about one of the most social people you could imagine, she was losing those in her life.
And while she had grown up in society and always been social, it was her giving nature that really made her a great person.
Her life was not perfect, she loved children more than anyone could imagine, but was unable to have any of her own. Her husband was a genius, but like many mental giants had his own demons and always had a million projects going at a time, leaving life and home often in disarray. And in this, she was always there for others, and became an integral part in the lives of so many that when they had sadness - she experienced sadness.
This morning I described her as a woman with no children, so instead my sister and I, and many of our friends who were the children of her friends, were her children. She managed to send us all a card on every holiday, and every birthday, and make it to every celebration - and as children do, we all took her for granted. She took some of us in when we would fight with our parents, she helped some of us get jobs, she was always willing to do us a favor... while rarely asking anything of us in return. In fact, she rarely asked anyone for anything, giving was her thing.
She was a physical therapist by trade, and in 1987 when I had an accident that involved me on a skateboard and some oncoming traffic, she was there to monitor my progress and help get me back on my feet. And helping me was just barely a glimmer in the light she brought to the world.
Countless people from refugees families adopted by our church to the disabled children of friends would owe their lives to Margaret Sicking. But to her, it was just how you were supposed to live.
Again I am forced to wonder where we are headed as a world when I see so few from my generation living as so many did from the generation before us. I cannot think of who from my peers will be the one who can even begin to show the world the same gift that she was.
Rest In Peace Aunt Margie, your children will miss you.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
do i want the house?
i went to my parent's house today, mom likes to not be able to do things unless i'm there. today she was unable to change the toner cartridge in her printer... and my dad wasn't sure how to make the VCR work... and any chance to feed me can't be missed.
while i was there, she gave me an antique lamp, something she had actually been trying to give me for some time. while i was loading it into my car, she brought up their house, then asked me if i wanted the house.
WTF??
she danced a little, but she eventually came out and said, "you know, when we die".
WTF, MOM??
in the end, i had been asked years ago to be executor of their estates. my father had been the executor of his parent's estates and received some kinda fee for it (which is apparently customary). i however, have only one sibling, and no desire to debate with her over the value of things or any issues having to do with fees or why i was chosen to get the job.
i quickly loaded the lamp in my car, and quashed the discussion by reminding her that i wanted her to live in the home until she and dad were both gone, and then i felt liquidating everything to cash and splitting things as defined in their wills would be best.
but really mom - WTF??
i know we're supposed to have these talks, and make sure everything is worked out. but for some reason, this threw me.
while i was there, she gave me an antique lamp, something she had actually been trying to give me for some time. while i was loading it into my car, she brought up their house, then asked me if i wanted the house.
WTF??
she danced a little, but she eventually came out and said, "you know, when we die".
WTF, MOM??
in the end, i had been asked years ago to be executor of their estates. my father had been the executor of his parent's estates and received some kinda fee for it (which is apparently customary). i however, have only one sibling, and no desire to debate with her over the value of things or any issues having to do with fees or why i was chosen to get the job.
i quickly loaded the lamp in my car, and quashed the discussion by reminding her that i wanted her to live in the home until she and dad were both gone, and then i felt liquidating everything to cash and splitting things as defined in their wills would be best.
but really mom - WTF??
i know we're supposed to have these talks, and make sure everything is worked out. but for some reason, this threw me.
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