our 10 thousand dead

70 years ago today 150,000 souls launched themselves from Great Britain to liberate Europe from tyranny.

So many Americans died in that invasion that the bodies had to be left behind, instead of bringing them home a cemetery was created there.

There are nearly 10,000 Americans buried there.

The vast majority of those who went into combat were children really, in their late teens and early 20's.  Some of them parachuted into the darkness of night, others ran on to a beach facing machine gun fire.

Some were children.  By today's standards they would still be in school.  On that day, they were the men challenged to save the world.

As I start my day, I'm watching an interview with two of them, and when asked what was the most surprising part of the invasion one replied, "when a man is shot and facing death, you think they'll be strong, but when they know the end is coming most of them cry out for their mothers."

And they heard that, a lot.

A few years ago, when sitting around the dinner table with my veteran father and uncle, the older niece shot her mouth off about how some newspapers were printing the names of those killed in Iraq and Afghanistan on their front page.  She commented about it, asking my father and uncle if the newspapers did that during their war.

My uncle just laughed, he didn't even look up from his meal.  "why is that funny?", my niece asked.  "It would have taken up the whole page" my dad finally replied.

Today my friends worry about important things, like making sure their toddler doesn't get scratched by a cat, if they can get their kids in the best schools, and on the best soccer teams, and have the best things.  The kids were raised on Teletubbies and now have iPhones, the girls are anorexic, the boys grow fat playing video games, and most don't have to work because mom and dad want them to focus on their education... which ends up being more about what they learn from starlets and sports heroes.

Back then, the 19 year old 'men' who parachuted in with the 82nd Airborne fought for 33 days without relief.  Today we worry about the kids getting too much homework and we complain about shortened summer breaks.

Our problems today aren't the mass genocide of jews and the crushing oppression of foreign armies across Europe while the Japanese run rampant across the East killing hundreds of thousands of Chinese.  We have terrorists that we ignore while we run around paranoid about what others think of us in our SUVs as we head to our social gatherings.

We as a people have forgotten what's important in life, because some things are so easy that we assume they will always be there.  We are so comfortable, we assume that we will never be invaded, our lives are great, we can now complain about important things like Common Core and kids caught sexting, and we are not scarred with the memory of our destroyed cities overrun by invaders.

We have forgotten what it is to be a people who know to do what's right, over what's comfortable.

The only soil kept by the Americans in Europe in World War 2 is the land needed to bury our dead, the rest was returned to those who lost it to tyranny.

There are only 8000 remaining D-Day veterans today, if you're lucky enough to meet one you need to thank him, because D-Day was as much about keeping Hitler from invading us as it was about pushing him back from what he had already taken.

And it cost thousands of American lives.

Try to teach your children the depth of their sacrifice.  Attempt to stop them long enough as they run off to camp or to the pool or to submerge themselves into video games, so they can understand that 70 years ago today, the beaches of Normandy were literally red with the blood of Americans.

Some parents will want to save their children from the horrific thought of this day, they will make excuses in the hopes of sheltering their young minds from such a horrific part of history.

Those parents are not doing their children any favors.

We cannot forget the sacrifice made by that generation, and why they are the greatest generation.  It's sad on some level that we have become a fat nation that chooses to treat the story of D-Day like an overlooked paragraph in a history book.

Do something.

Make your kids watch Saving Private Ryan, tell them without fanfare about the Americans that saved the world.  Make sure they understand that EVERY household in the country contributed to the war with 20 MILLION people in uniform.  Do something, anything, so that today they can understand the sacrifice made.

And maybe, you and them, will understand again what's important in life.

GUN FACTS - know the details before you shoot (your mouth off)

I'm going to attempt to write this with as little skew or spin in the direction of my beliefs... mainly because I want people to make their own decisions, but I want them to do so with the right information.

why?  because we as a people have stopped making decisions based on facts, and now are more likely to do so based on feeling.  feelings are great, but don't make me cough up a few obvious reasons why life will always be hard and often decisions on how things should happen are as well.

FACT:  guns are used to kill more Americans than any other weapon

it's true, the FBI catalogs the killings in our country, and firearms account for 67.5% of them.  this shouldn't be difficult to accept, any number of different types of firearms are available in various sizes and types, from large shotguns that shoot huge slugs to little tiny handguns smaller than your hand that shoot bullets smaller than a 1/4 inch in size.

the data on what kills Americans can be found here:

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2010/crime-in-the-u.s.-2010/tables/10shrtbl07.xls

FACT: of all those killed in the Unites States, better than half are killed by HANDGUNS

this should also not be surprising, if you can get a cheap 'Saturday Night Special' or a 'Derringer' style handgun that can easily fit in almost anyone's pocket, it shouldn't be surprising that people roaming around with them are killing each other.  for good reasons (self defense) or bad (robbery or crimes of passion), these are easily carried and easily used by Americans to kill each other.

the data on what types of firearms are used by Americans to kill each other are found here:

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2010/crime-in-the-u.s.-2010/tables/10shrtbl08.xls

FACT: an AUTOMATIC gun is just that, AUTOMATIC.

that means that when you fire it, then it reloads and keeps firing until you stop firing it.  an automatic weapon is very closely related to a machine gun... but generally it's not a machine gun.  a machine gun is generally considered to be large (usually not something a human would carry and shoot with accuracy).  however, a machine gun is defined as an automatic weapon:

ma·chine gun

noun

1. 1.

   an automatic gun that fires bullets in rapid succession for as long as the trigger is pressed.

the above definition is important.  you can tie a string around the trigger of an automatic weapon and leave, and it will keep on firing as long as bullets are being fed into it.  most people who are familiar with firearms consider an automatic weapon to be a 'machine gun' when it is belt-fed, or fed by some seemingly endless amount of bullets.

FACT: assault weapons can be, but are usually NOT automatic

and with that, most people educated on the topic of firearms don't consider an assault rifle to be a machine gun.

FACT: most firearms have some kind of magazine.

here we get a little dicey with definitions, because those who truly understand firearms would probably be offended if i considered the drum of a revolver to be a magazine.  but in the end, the weapon has a storage capacity of bullets that it fires before it needs to be replenished.  shotguns normally keep their shells in a tube under the barrel (normally around 5-8 shells), revolvers have a drum of bullets (normally 6-8 but can be as high as 10 bullets), and rifles usually have magazines (which can range from 5-30 bullets in normal capacity).

FACT: firearms vary in CALIBER, which is the size of the projectile being fired from it.

the range is significant, i'm not even going to bother to state the complete range because someone who knows more than i do will correct me.  what's important here is that everyone should realize that sometimes large guns fire small bullets, and sometimes small guns fire large bullets.  no matter what the gun looks like, and no matter how long the barrel is, and no matter how large the magazine is, in the end it has a caliber which defines the size, and to a certain extent the power, of what's coming out of it.

FACT: firearms of different types will often use the same caliber

this is important.  you can and will find pistols that fire what most people would consider a rifle round.  and you will find rifles that shoot small pistols rounds... and you can even find tiny pistols that shoot shotgun rounds.  my point here: the size of the gun and what it looks like doesn't define it's lethality, it could be shooting anything.  and the point of this is simple: if you applied every restriction ever places on firearms in the United States on a firearm, you could still buy a rifle that's just as powerful as what the military shoots every day... and it could be in a big wood rifle, or a little pistol.  the impact would be identical.

FACT: firearms are by nature made to send a projectile at a target

some people like to make it seem like there's only one purpose to a gun, and that's to kill.... which isn't completely true.  there are firearms that are for nailing things to walls, firearms that are made for competitive target shooting, and even firearms made to throw ropes... but let's face it, by far the most commonly thought of use for a firearm is to send a projectile at or in or through something... and many would argue that's done to be lethal.  however, as a country, we go through a lot more bullets than we have murders - so we are all terrible shots, or lethality against humans is not the most common use.

at the same time, knives are made to cut, bats are made to... pound baseballs, and so on.  but, some could argue that the primary use of a knife is to cut food, and the primary use of a bat is for kids to play softball... where the primary use of a firearm is to kill.

FACT: the 3 most commonly fired caliber in assault rifles are also very commonly found in hunting rifles.

when i say 3 calibers i mean, .308, .223, and 7.62x39.  the last of which is the caliber of the AK-47, and some would disagree that it's commonly found in a hunting equipment, and my only response is the Mini30, which is a rifle found on a lot of farms.  anyway, this shouldn't be surprising, if a caliber is good for hunting people, why wouldn't it be good for hunting food?

FACT: a firearm cannot fire itself.

i shouldn't have to explain this, but it's a valid point that has to be made.  a fork can't make you fat, you have to use it too much... and gun can't kill others, someone has to pick it up and use it.

NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT ALL CLEARED UP...

here's my issue.

we as a people go round and round about guns.  everyone has an opinion - and everyone should have the right to their own opinion.

i'm going even go as far as to say that if a majority of people would like to start making dramatic changes to firearms legislation, then they should hold a vote, and if it passes, it should be enacted.

BUT

before anyone is allowed to make a decision, everyone needs to be informed and really understand all the facts i've stated above.

i recently got into a discussion online about banning all assault rifles... and it bothered me how uninformed people were.

in 1994 a law was passed that banned any rifle from having more than 2 of 7 characteristics that made it an 'assault rifle'.  this included a bayonet lug and a pistol grip... the bayonet lug has absolutely no impact on the rifle's ability to shoot, nor does the pistol grip.  so we spent millions of dollars and untold amounts of time on banning aesthetics.

worse, the law did nothing to ban weapons of the exact same caliber as the two most commonly found assault rifles in existence, the AR type and the AK type.  while i won't go into the history of the two rifles, both are civilian variants of what most of the world's military forces carry.  so we banned guns that look like them.

we did nothing to ban guns that shoot the exact same bullet but don't look like them.  and we didn't touch anything that uses the most commonly found caliber in sniper rifles, because most of those don't look mean or have bayonets.

some would argue that one of the 7 characteristics was the magazine, saying that the gun couldn't have the bayonet lug if the magazine carried more than 5 bullets... but who cares about a bayonet lug??  you could drop the bayonet lug, and put a fixed thumbhole stock on it and have a 200 round magazine.

so... then what?  we need to do away with large capacity magazines, right?

well, first, there are literally millions of them out there so even if you could ban them, you'd never collect them all - plus, there's a NATO standard that makes one caliber of magazines standard for use on many types of rifles... so you'd be impacting assault rifles and common hunting rifles.

some would say that a hunter shouldn't need more than 5 bullets... and maybe that's the case, but you'll still never collect them all, you'd be wasting your time writing that law.

and WAIT - before we go on and on about assault rifles.... we forgot something!

better than HALF of the murders that happen in the United States are committed with HANDGUNS.  less than 3% of murders were committed with rifles, and assault weapons are a small percentage of rifles...  so banning assault weapons would... have impacted an unmeasurably tiny amount of the crimes committed in this country.

and then we get to the "well, we have to start somewhere" argument.  this just infuriates me.  this is like someone who wants to lose weight thinking they are putting a solid effort into it by spending all kinds of time and effort into making sure they only eat the candy with the least amount of impact... but still doing little to no change to their diet and exercise otherwise.

and almost zero legislation has impacted shotguns - because people think those are for hunting.  yes, they are... and they are used for hunting because they fire many bullets at once across a wide pattern.  SO - a double barrel shotgun with NO magazine that only holds two shells could fire more than a dozen projectiles at once across a wide space.

yes, this makes a shotgun deadlier than an 'assault weapon', with or without the bayonet lug.

in fact, shotguns account for more killings than rifles... but the only restrictions currently placed on them have to do with the lengths of their barrels and stocks (they can have bayonet lugs and any size magazine).

recently, a California politician held a press conference where he introduced us to what he called the 'Ghost Gun'.  he ranted on about how many bullets it could hold and fire, and how it was a killing machine.  and, he was completely misinformed.

what he did was get people all excited that he was going to make a difference by spouting off lies.  in truth, if the gun he held could actually do what he said it could... then it would melt from the heat it was putting off.

if you think firearms are a problem in our society today, then by all means - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  but please, be informed.

realize that you just make an ass of yourself when you spout off what you think are facts when they are simply untrue... and you look like a jackass when you ignore the thousands who are murdered with cheap straw purchased weapons and point the finger at the tiny percentage of guns which are expensive to buy and most commonly tracked.

and accept this one undeniable FACT: if anything, gun violence has proven that no amount of legislation will keep you completely safe, from crazies and criminals, and anyone with the number 2 weapon used for killing in the United States, knives (used to kill more than 10% of those murdered, and have zero control legislation).

ginger-man, super hero. he makes us look bad.

i knew a girl in high school who was quite a pistol, but hadn't seen her since my sophomore year, which was roughly around when i met Dan Duffy.

Dan is a man i've known for almost 30 years.  i've traveled to some of the world's biggest shitholes with Dan, we have partied and prayed together.  from a family of red-heads, i'm the outcast brown-headed stepchild his mother relentlessly loves on as if i am one of her own.

i know Dan well enough to tell you that his exuberance can be painful - everything is the BEST, he is so sweet when talking about his wife and kids that i feel the onslaught of diabetes, and his dedication to everything happy makes me want to regularly file a complaint for the repeal of his man-card.  he is the definition of disgustingly positive... and in my sarcastic mind it often causes me to roll my eyes.

he was born in Ireland, moved to St. Louis, and grew up here. i met him at JFK on our way to Europe on a tour.  from there our friendship continued even though we went to different schools and followed different paths.  his was more straight and narrow, mine was a little more wild.  i chose to make school a career, he wanted a career and for that he went to school.  Vancouver Film School actually, where he did very well, and his insistence on having my personality in his films is effectively what caused my acting career.

now living back in St. Louis, he is a successful film producer.  he is married to a beautiful red-headed woman (who i introduced him to), and they have two red-headed kids.  

in fact, let me stop for a moment and mention to his wife:  Stephanie, at some point in the future, if you come down to start your day, and your find your boys looking out the back window to see me asleep and floating on a raft in your pool wearing only the tequila bottle that rests over my crotch...  remain calm.  as you make your way around what appears to be a stolen car, and step over the college girls sleeping in a mix of delusion & whipped cream, take a deep breath.  so that just before you unload on me for what may possibly be construed as irresponsible behavior, you remember, that YOU OWE ME, because i'm the reason you met that guy... and, your mother-in-law loves me... and you think my mom is a saint (who you wouldn't want to see cry)...  and maybe - just maybe, everyone would be better off with waffles instead of violence.

anyway, when Dan's not making films, editing copy, or meeting with clients he runs a charity he created about cancer survivorship called The Half Fund.

Dan survived cancer, and being the positive soul he is, in the wake of his battle he created an outlet for others to express the joy of success against cancer in a world where most of us only see the negative.

he is always trying to see and be the positive.

yesterday that woman i knew in high school passed away, six years ago she was a nurse and wife and mother to a one year old girl, and she found out she had breast cancer.  they gave her 2 years, but she decided that wouldn't be enough.  she insisted that she had to last long enough for her daughter to remember her.  

and i'm not going to use her name as most of you won't know her, and i don't want to give others who may notice her name a reason to inquire and harass those close to her, when they need to heal. 

but she beat breast cancer... then she beat cancer again... then she beat brain cancer, then bone, then something in her spine, then something behind her eye... she was a warrior.

recently, during a routine scan to make sure nothing had come back, something had.

her daughter was now 7.

i was 'friends' with this woman on Facebook, but like many of the 'friends' we keep online... we never talked to or speak of, barely noticed each other, and just kept the union to answer the wonder about where those from our past had landed in life.  she still kept a circle of girlfriends which i had known from years ago as well.  and when news of the return of cancer got to me i asked one of them what had happened.  i was told that it was bad, and that this warrior had made it far enough to be locked in her daughters memory, but wouldn't have long before she was gone.

her friends, angels really, all rallied around her.  they each were taking turns staying with her at night, helping around the house, and most importantly to her, they were helping her write letters for her daughter to receive in the future.

imagine that - imagine being a parent and knowing you would not be there for your child at it's key moments, imagine not being able to cheer your child on, imagine knowing your child would feel you missing.

enter Dan Duffy.

not willing to let cancer win all it could, Dan stepped in.  he didn't even know this woman.

Dan Duffy loaded up his professional equipment, made his way to this woman's home, greeted her with his goofy smile, and used his tools and his talent to give this woman the chance to talk to her daughter at the key points in the future that she will miss.

her body and appearance changed from the dramatic impact of the disease, she decided she did not want to be on camera, so he pointed it at the wall, set up the boom mic, then sat on the couch next to her, and listened to every word she said... and when she would get lost in her thoughts, he would talk to her and ask her about things she would want to tell her daughter.

Dan helped this woman record the notes she had written to her daughter, so her daughter would hear her mother tell her (from her) how great she is on her 16th birthday.  

Dan is the reason this little girl will some day get to hear the story of her own birth, and who her mother was, from her mother.

Dan is the reason her daughter will hear her mother tell her how beautiful she is on her wedding day. 

Dan is the reason that her daughter will hear words from her mother when she has her own babies.

Dan is the reason that for the rest of time, her daughter will always be able to look pictures of the two of them and hear her mother tell her how much she is loved.

how do i know this?  i was there, i saw it happen.  i saw Dan carry in his equipment, and work around her needs.  i was hiding in a stairwell, but i saw Dan cry with this woman and her friends, i saw Dan put in the effort, and i heard Dan leave talking about how this woman was a champion.

it was Dan who after editing the video so the backdrop would show a slideshow of mother and daughter together told me, "thank God i'm alone in an office with blinds i can close and a locked door, because I've sobbed more in the last week while editing this for her, than i have in the last 10 years" - and he meant it - Dan felt FOR her.

if you're reading this, you may know me.  you're here at my blog... you may have seen my Facebook Page or found this via my Twitter Account... I'm no Dan Duffy.  but when i see him in action, i am inspired to be.

YOU should be to.

while the rest of us roam the planet with a protective layer of apathy shielding us from the unpleasantness of life, Dan Duffy has proven that even when facing great sadness, something can be done to make the world a better place.  maybe it can't be made perfect again, but something can be done to make it a little better.  he has proven we just need to do what we can.  we just need to give where we feel.

we just need to feel, fearlessly.

not for ourselves - for others.  i can list out plenty of people who are always having their feelings hurt, people who are angry, people who cry because they don't get enough attention, people who do and say elaborate things so they can feel something better about themselves.  Dan doesn't do that.  Dan feels for others.

he's not perfect.  he's that guy who's ok with his kids playing on baseball teams where they don't keep score... i want to kick him in his nut for stuff like that.  i can say that, he's like a brother to me.

but in the big picture he's what the world needs more of.  people who are willing to DO when they can, and then actually DO.  not talk, not cut a check, not have meetings about what others will do, actually DO.

Dan did.  he did it with little lead time.  he did it fast because things like this won't wait for us to get make space on a schedule.  he did it because it had to be done, for someone else.

ASK YOURSELF if you would - or even could - be this person.  you tell the world what kind of person you are with how you handle others, how you handle your schedule, how you DO and impact lives.  i know people who avoid friends when they have sadness, people who have used 'prior commitments' to skip out on funerals, people who expect their siblings to deal with their parents in failing health because they claim they can't afford the time or money... but they really just don't want to.  

because it's hard, and it's painful.

and while we all know these people, there's some of that inside each of us, so we gossip about their shortcomings and look down on them privately, but we let it go because a lot of us are inches from doing the same.  

Dan Duffy did the opposite... and really, he didn't do it for his aged parent, or sick lifelong friend, he did it for a stranger.  yes, her cause was something he has a deep interest in, as a cancer survivor and parent, he could empathize, and he doesn't do this daily.  this is not the only thing i've known Dan to do, Dan has gone overseas to help charities and helped in national campaigns, but the little things count, and for some people have a greater impact.  he may never do this again, but let's face it, he will do something of this caliber again, and again.

and he will do it and expect ZERO recognition.  he may tell his wife what he did with his day, he may blog about it if only to tell someone else's story... he may even vent a little to someone to get out from under the stress the moment brings - but nothing more.

would you?  

the women who rallied around their friend for the last six years are angels.  certifiably, broad-winged, halo wearing angels.  the night before she left us, one of them sent me a text update about her and joked about "dying is hard work!"  but they didn't care, they wanted to do it, they wanted to be there for her.

we would all be lost without our friends, and this group of friends should know how great they are.  they are the definition of friend, they aren't 'friends' like we have on Facebook, they are not the 'friends' we only see at parties, they are the real friends, the ones who we hope we never have to rely on - but we can... from helping her take last trips with her daughter, to changing bedpans, these women are better than most of us - and Dan would be upset if i didn't point that out.

it takes a lot to give up your time and carry your lifelong friend through sickness, and the love these women carry in their hearts should not go unnoticed, they should be lauded, cheered, carried on our shoulders... but they want none of that.  that's what really makes them all great, they do it, they don't complain, and they don't want anyone to notice.

Dan will be the first one to point out that he gave just hours to help a woman do something for her daughter - where these women gave their time for years.

and they did.

but i think it's important that we also recognize the man who didn't know her, and just wanted to make the world a better place, and did something that will last forever and impact a life.

unless she reads this, Marie Duffy may never know her son did this.  for him, this is just what he did one day.

he blogged about it, only to celebrate how great this woman was - and if you ask him about his efforts, he will probably blow it off and tell you about the friends, who were there for their friend for years and how they were angels.

i know Dan Duffy, and trust me, he's no angel.  but Dan Duffy is an epic hero.

Tell Dan your thoughts - Click Here

privacy - you already don't have any

i get a lot of comments about my use of social media... more often than not it's just comments, but sometimes (when it involves others) it questions privacy.

an example would be: i go out for the evening, and the people i'm with all group together for a photo, then i post this picture online to Twitter or Facebook or something like that... then someone else may ask, "are you sure those other people want the world knowing they were there?"

on some level, it's a fair question.  but my first thought is simply that a person should be leading a life where their location and activities shouldn't matter.  being caught out with your buddies and their girlfriends at a bar when your wife thinks you're at the office... or if your coworkers see the same pictures and realize how big a jackass you are... meh... these are problems of your dishonesty on some level, and if you're life is really clean, this is really more paranoia.

at the same time, i know people who have real problems, violent ex-relationships, estranged family members who harass them, or entertainers who's fan base is at times pushy.  while a lot of us would like to think we have to be concerned so we can avoid someone judging our new outfit or being caught with the wrong woman - these people have real privacy issues.

ok, so as you think about it - you're not a Hollywood starlet, you don't cheat on your spouse, you don't act the fool, you shouldn't care what people think of your new outfit... so where's the problem?

the problem is in the machine.  not Facebook, not Twitter, not Instagram.  the problem is not with your babysitter who posts pictures of your child, the problem is not your buddy who shares his location online.  these people could stop what they are doing and you are still being tracked.

sure, your babysitter or your buddy can hold some of the blame.  social media harvests data in epic ways, and that data is not held just in their systems as they would like you to believe.  data mines are sold and shared regularly to other businesses, and they don't care (click here to read Google's opinion on your privacy) - there are NO REGULATIONS on this in the United States... there are however laws that limit the government's use of this information.  however, it still happens, as shown in this article from Wired.

but it's much more than that - so much more that really, social media is far from the reason your life is no longer private.  social media catches the heat because that's where people draw most of their online drama.  but really, having someone know you got a new girlfriend and she's your buddy's ex is not real problems.  real problem will happen later when your credit score is impacted or you are unable to use your email because of all the spam you receive after you visited a car dealership to get an oil change and the machine made some assumptions.

after 9/11 the federal government mandated that all cell phones sold in the United States have GPS systems in them.  from that, geo-location services were created.  the tech inclined started to use the GPS to create 'geoloc' services and systems so people could share their location 24/7 with friends for fun or for safety.

geoloc systems are great and they are completely safe for the average user.  i have friends who's devices are constantly telling me where they are - you can't see that information, but i can, because they have granted me that permission.  with that, my nieces are also showing up on my maps, because they are teenage girls being raised by a working single mother, and someone should always know where they are.  and, i have a handful of clients who share their location with one person - me - by their own choice, they realized that someone should know where they are at all times (while not wanting that information shared with someone who would regularly look and question their activities).  somewhere in all this is the balance between sharing, and privacy.

but - modern corporations are also using this information to track you.  Microsoft, Apple, Google, Amazon, and many more - they create the software on your phone, then they store that information and use it to market to you... and more.

in the 2002 movie 'Minority Report', Tom Cruise runs through a city where advertisements are changing for each user who walks by - and in 2013, Intel Corporation is already marketing systems to do just that.  in fact, one of my fellow consultants was asked to join a team of corporate innovators who wanted to do that same thing.

and in all this you think - "I'm not one of those people, I live simple, I'm not online, I don't do the Facebook and the Tweeter and the posting pictures online".

actually, you do.

one of my clients and his wife avoid social media in general, and while he likes tech-toys, he doesn't use social media and she barely uses a cell phone which is turned off and shelved the instant she gets home from work.  they are safe, right?  wrong.  her children post pictures of her on Facebook, her work has an email system, his nephews post pictures while visiting their vacation home, and they both shop online.

these are good people, they spend most of their free time at home or golfing, and periodically travel.  they aren't living in the limelight, they aren't being followed by paparazzi or ex-relationships, and they are almost always together when not at work - so why the concern?  and who cares if the marketing machines customize ads for them?

it's not about the ads - it's about the information.

information catalogs are being harvested online constantly - it is possible for someone to look up information on you on a level that would shock you.  you may think you're not online, but you are - your company photo posted to the company website is probably linked to your name.  your name was used when your friend emailed you from her Yahoo! account. she has emailed you many times, and in those emails are plans to go to certain places and may mention other people who you are now linked to.  those people shop online... and the chain goes on and on.

if you think this isn't happening, check out this map from the MIT Immersion project, which (with permission) will show you how email services like my Google system can analyze email:

(click the above photo for a better view)

email systems like Gmail, Yahoo! email, Apple's iCloud, or Microsoft's Exchange system are used to connect you and your information to others.  shown above is a map of everyone who emails me, how often, and how they were connected to me and others.  it's not a perfect science, as i look at it i see people who aren't connected that should be, and those same people are connected to those who they have no relation to... and why?   because something held them together electronically.  people who email me rarely, or were part of replies are still noticed, and so is that content.

if you're someone who emails me and you see your name above, you'll probably notice that for most of you there are lines and color coding that shows which circle of friends you're part of, the computer uses this analysis to define how we met, how often you contact me, and who else you're associated with.

don't believe me?  feel free to try it yourself - https://immersion.media.mit.edu/

somewhere behind all this, is also the analysis of what you buy, where you go, and what you do with your time.  and don't think living off the grid and only using cash solves this problem unless you plan to never leave home - the computers are biometrically tracking you as well.

think it impossible?  feel free to watch this report from 60 Minutes about the use of facial recognition software and data mining in the United States today:


as shown in the report, students have managed to modify a toy that flies around and identifies people by their face.  this information can be linked to the information found online and your history continues.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

almost nothing.

you can have some common courtesy and understand what is going on.  for example: my map above doesn't include any complete names, and is an image of circles, so i'm not violating anyone's privacy here.  odds are no one knows who 'Gavin' or 'KC' are, and if you do you have no reason to care that they emailed me or how much.  i try to consider these things when i post things publicly online.

with common courtesy to others, should also be some understanding that others may not get it.  if your friend has your kids at a pizza place and takes a picture of all of them playing together and later posts it online tagging you in it so you'll notice, they may think they are sharing a fun picture, and may not consider the possible ramifications.

and really, most of us should be living lives where none of this matters.  the younger generations today are already of the understanding that there is no longer any privacy, and the few who haven't learned it yet are regularly embarrassing themselves on social media.  my only concern from this is that we may be raising a generation of people who lead clean lives or become experts in lies and deception.  so if you're a parent, second guess your kids regularly, and watch their online posts.

in the end, the general consensus amongst those in 'the know' is that our privacy is over.  you may be able to ask others not to share information about you, and some will listen, but that won't stop your computer at work or the security cameras at the mall, and probably won't stop your kids who don't think for a minute that it will matter if they post a picture of dad online.

it is my opinion that the best of us will try to understand it, and maybe embrace it a little.  we all do already, we have the email, we have the cell phones, we aren't going to stop using them.  the time has come for us all to grow some thicker skin, take a deep breath, and let go of any desire we have to hide - because it's going to be torn away from us no matter what.

most of the people in my world are good and honest people, and even some of those carry the burden of being judged in the past... in that, they want to keep their lives to themselves.  it makes sense on some level, no one wants to be judged, and no one should be unsafe with their information.  but most of these systems have controls in place.  like the geolocation systems i mentioned at the beginning of this, most provide some level of security from others.

but do not forget that big brother is watching, and someone you know may be better friends with him than you are.

communication

you don't communicate well...

you're reading this, and you're already bored.  you saw this link online somehow, and you're already wondering how long it will take me to get to the punchline.

i commend you for getting this far, but the reality is that most of us aren't interested in long explanations, we have become what the media complains about - fast.  we seek instant gratification, i say 'we' because i'm just as bad as anyone else.

we now live in a society where fabulous outweighs talented, where screams outweigh need, where everything happens fast and people want it faster.

what we've lost is communication - REAL communication.

when was the last time you explained your real feelings to someone?  when was the last time you did it in person?

emailing someone lots of 'i love you!' messages is normal these days, but when was the last time you sat with them, and told them why.  communicated it to them - showed them.

this doesn't apply to men you're hoping to get a ring from, or women you're hoping to lay - this applies to someone you're friends with, or someone who's family.  there are relationships we overlook because of our need for fast, and the shield we put up so we don't have to deal with rejection or take the time to deal with unpleasantness.

and the best part of it all is that each of us wants to believe we are pulling it off... when we all know that people see through the minutia of love emails and texts and posts.  but sticking with the lies is easier, so we press on.

friends you've had a disagreement with don't get to hear you say, "i'm sorry, i didn't see things that way because..." and then friendships are lost.  and why?  because it takes time to explain how you feel, and worse, you may have to lower your guard and look (or feel) like a fool.  "i'm sorry, i didn't... come to your party because my ex might have been there, and they've moved on to find someone else, and lately i've felt really alone and i just couldn't face them right now" - this completely explains how you feel, but leaves everything open, your soul, and your friendship.  they could reply with, "get over it!  it's been years since you two were seeing each other!"  but then you wouldn't have your feelings validated, and you're more hurt and alone - why risk it, right?

if you go to your parent and tell them, "i love you, but i feel uncomfortable because..." they may reply with something you don't want to hear... so we don't talk to our parents.  telling your parents that it bothers you to see them age is actually understandable, but it's something everyone has to deal with.  avoiding it just makes you look like a brat, like the adult child who wants everyone to think of them as a responsible adult, but really sidesteps things because she can't handle them.  worse are grandchildren, who always come up with a social need of epic importance in an effort to avoid their difficult  grandparent in declining health.  parents are then forced to communicate unpleasantness and deal with the resulting feeling that the child won't take care of them when they are in the same situation later in life - why risk it, right?

we have to learn to take risk again - we have to learn to tell the truth and express ourselves and work through the feelings we have.

the issues above are personal and close to us... but they have morphed into worse.  in these are the feelings we randomly throw out there socially.  the ego, the attitude, the unneeded emotion and commentary we use to quickly resolve a need.  we post comments online, we email, we text, but as issues draw closer to us, we do it in a fashion that keeps some distance from the truth.

people don't 'date' anymore... they text.  people don't 'hangout' anymore... they skype.  people don't 'experience' anymore... they google.  people don't 'share' anymore... they post.  and in all this is a loss of communication.

then, we cover it all up with mis-communication.  we skype about the things we learned on google like we've experienced them... then we post about things we skyped about, all while holding someone at bay via text instead of that date - because we were 'too busy' skyping and googling.

eventually things will fall apart... friendships dwindle as people understand each other less, parents make excuses out of embarrassment regarding the children who email 'i love you' but never want to be there for them or help them with grandparents, and life experience is lost in general to our passive modern methods of communication.

we don't own our mistakes anymore, we don't own our flaws, we get around them... then if confronted we panic, we throw out excuses about 'busy' and other drama to avoid... then we have to avoid more to keep the lies of mis-communication alive and avoid even more embarrassment.

it's easier to skype from our desks, and it's easier to text, and it's easier to google... but we are missing out more and more in the human experience.

if you're still reading this - color me impressed.

then ask yourself where you fall in to this.  do you tell people how you really feel?  do you communicate, or is it often a dramatic performance of expression in a panic because you're not a communicator?  do your friends know how you feel, or are you usually the one people can't get a straight answer from (who ends up with a new 'best friend' every few years)?  do your parents feel like they know you, or do they feel like they know you enough not to talk about things that will cause you to prove to them what kind of person you've become?

and sure, there is over-communication.  people don't need to know about your last trip to the bathroom, or about the epic experience you had helping your grandmother with hers.  but learn where the lines are between communication, privacy, and embarrassment.  not telling your friend you slept with their wife isn't a privacy issue, it's an embarrassment issue.

people get embarrassed about a lot.  sleeping with your friends wife should cause embarrassment... but not being there for your parents should also cause it.  being the guy who screwed up with a girl is embarrassing - being the guy who lied about her being too clingy or telling people she's a whore, when in reality you couldn't keep it together with her for some reason is just lies to cover embarrassment - it's the worst loss of communication possible.

and really, everyone sees through those things anyway... we all know it, so then we run back to skype and texting and google.

stop.

learn to communicate again.

learn to communicate with yourself, learn yourself, and then learn to be proud of yourself.  then learn to talk to people, in person, understand their feelings, and convey yours to them.

be embarrassed... life is embarrassment, it's ok.  then grow to get around what caused the embarrassment.  grow to be a better friend, grow to be a better parent, grow to be a better grandchild, grow to be someone who can think and communicate openly, grow to be someone who's life is extended via social and electronic media - not someone who's life's extent is electronic and social media.

grow - grow some balls.

communicate the truth... communicate in person... communicate with others... communicate yourself... and then enjoy the real happiness it provides.

balance

a few years ago i was lucky enough to take a trip to China.  as a country, China is exactly what the media portrays it, they don't care about who they hurt or how dirty things get, the system is most important.

however, in the history of China is something which i struggle with daily, which everyone struggles with, and if you can master it in every aspect of your life, you will find peace.  sadly, it's not something followed in China anymore...

balance.

too much of a bad thing, is obviously bad... and then there's the ironic 'too much of a good thing' aspect to deal with as well.

now, i can sit here and let you read a long drawn out philosophical view on this, but instead, i'm going to put this into real life examples.

- you take in 2000 calories a day, do you burn 2000 calories a day?

no, this is why we are fat.  this is why our country is fat.  this is why your kids are probably fat and will continue to be fat and will need to deal with epic health issues like heart disease and diabetes.  i'm not going to ramble about carbs or video games or why you have a sedentary job and i can't kick soda any more than you can stop drinking wine, but this isn't complex, and you don't have a genetic issue.

- you work 60 hours a week, do you spend that much time at play?

this one is great, people love to have an excuse as to why they work so much.  loving their job, needing to provide for family, lacking job security, trying to get ahead... all important reasons.  and all a solid path to a heart attack.  this is as much a mental thing as a time thing, if you work at your play time trying to make the best of it, you'll stress out just as much.

- you love your friends, do you make time for you family?

this can go both ways.  single people love to point out how little they see their married friends, and married people love to point out work and family as their 'excuse'.  at the same time plenty of people who are in both situations don't get to their core of family.  taking care of each other, being there for the monotonous and annoying things and so on.  your family is NOT your children.  and not having children or a spouse does not mean you don't have family.

- you know the latest in fashion, do you know your body?

i realize that not everyone sees themselves in the awesome light that i see myself in, after all, you all aren't me.  but even i know there are some things i shouldn't wear- things i'd love to wear, but things i shouldn't wear.  i'm doing my best not to point my finger at women here, as i can already hear the angry comments from the soccer moms stuffing their faces with jr's carb-laden snack mix and washing it back with another $6 bottle of Zin as they start their groans about how i have no idea what it's like.  actually, i do.  i know a rail thin therapist who specializes in eating disorders and thinks that Ashton Kutcher is the hottest man on the planet,  and is more than happy to point it out to men who don't have a lean buff bod.  i'm just smart enough not to care... or attempt to stuff myself in something originally designed for his body style then modified to fit the mass market.

- you know you like to have a good time, do you know how far to take it?

i'm the first person to say everyone should be themselves.  let me repeat that - BE YOURSELF - and be proud of that person no matter where you are.  at the same time, if you're the guy who ends up wasted on stage #3 attempting to show 'Ferrari' how to properly twerk it, then you probably need to learn some balance.  sure, when you were 22 that situation made sense... right out of college, if out at all.  when you're 42 you can be that person too, but don't be surprised when people think you're a jackass.  i have had many jackass moments to help me learn this lesson.  sadly, some people attempt to think they can do these things and then the guys will 'keep it quiet'.  no dumbass, they won't.

- you know what attracts the opposite (or same) sex, do you know what you're attracting?

i'm a guy, so i'm going to use women first, then attempt to use women.  gays & lesbians, you're on your own for this, but i'm sure you'll get the picture as the rules don't really change...  let's use boobs: show too much cleavage and you're a whore, don't show any cleavage and you're the difficult chick no one wants to suffer through.  too much leg and the only guys who talk to you are hoping for a cheap lay, don't show any leg and the only guys that will talk to you are the ones who are hoping to meet your rich father.  balance.  guys have it easier, a guy can dress modestly and women will talk to them - but guys, if you're constantly rolling through different expensive cars and watches, there's a reason why you only attract paper-chasers.  basically people, know your audience.  dress where you're comfortable, don't be afraid to take some chances, but be aware of what your comfort level tells people.

- you know how to keep your kids happy, do you know what you're raising?

i have a friend who's hard on kids, his logic is 'we are raising a generation of babies' (i'm paraphrasing as his term was a little more difficult).  i wish i could give my nieces anything they could ever want at times, luckily they aren't my kids and i can't afford to do so.  the reality of life is that it's harsh.  someone will steal from your kids, someone will reject them, someone will tell them they are ugly, someone will deny them a job or a membership or a spot on a team, and someone will break their heart.  they do need to know that their parents will always love them, but they don't need to know everything they do is always acceptable.  your child needs to learn that they have to provide for themselves, they need to learn to express themselves but not to rub it in other people's faces or be allowed to throw tantrums, and your child needs to be able to take criticism.  i know people who are a mess socially because their parents are afraid to put their foot down on little issues because they would rather have their kids be happy with them.  what?  you're the parent, you don't need their approval.

- you know how the world should work, do you know how to make it work?

everyone should have healthcare, and everyone should have free speech, and everyone should have privacy, and everyone should have happiness.  sometimes, this isn't realistic.  sometimes, some of those conflict.  we can't give everyone healthcare for free, and if you make it cheap then you pull happiness from some healthcare providers.  saying anything you want is legal, but that doesn't mean it's going to be helpful or productive.  and privacy is a great thing... until some guy wants privacy to keep new conquests from knowing he's really a man-whore and not the sweet man he's selling.  i don't know how to make things work, but honesty is a good start.

we have become a world of activists and opinions.  the greatest farce of ego is opinion, as it's usually based on emotion and history instead of facts and situation.  for example, we cannot compare the healthcare issues of everyday citizens to those who are soldiers in combat.  a responsible army cares for it's troops... and while many feel a responsible country should care for it's citizens, there is leeway for opinion which does not exist in combat.  one cannot apply their opinion fully if they have not lived through all sides and experienced the situation.  sure, people can estimate, possibly sympathize, but not empathize.

so when you look out to the world, try to act based on balance... realize that you may need to assess the situations of others, and realize that falling completely on one side of a decision may not be the best course.  calories need to be burned, children need to deal with life, parents need to tell their kids how they feel, everyone loves boobs & money, and there is no correct and one sided view of politics.

and too much of a good thing, can often be a bad thing.

answer your phone!

there has been a problem amongst a few of the people i know... they all make sure they have the latest in communications equipment, phones and computers and high speed internet connections...

but, you can never get some to answer the phone, and responses to emails or texts are at best delayed.

in a recent conversation with one of my friends who doesn't suffer from this problem we went back and forth about why this is happening.

here's what we realized first: you always got a response when trying to contact someone important.  not someone who wants you to think they are important, but someone who actually was important.  from CEO's and business leaders to doctors to people who were on the move with life and career, someone always answered the phone or responded.  now, it wasn't always them - but they weren't going to miss a call.

then we realized something else: the people least likely to take your call are the people who most wanted to appear important.  people who probably on some level realized that the important people were always in contact, so they don't respond because they are (in their mind) doing other or better or more important things.  the insecure, the people who were always trying to look good, those who more often than not were skeptical, the people with problems.

the problems... not the problems that big deal people face.  instead it's problems and running.  things they don't want to deal with.  things they can't deal with while wearing a smile.  the problems of the unhappy.  these people had a few rare people they responded to, safe people, the current best friend, the current love interest, but never anyone who didn't give them their quick fix of drama or importance.

we live in a time when people could be able to almost constantly communicate - almost to the point where it's annoying.  a person can be in a meeting, and at the same time is constantly looking at their phone, their emails, their texts, their social media.

but yet, you can't get a response from some people... unless they want something.  and those people really don't realize how poorly they look in the eyes of others while they try to be someone who looks perfect.

it's like they want to believe they are fooling everyone.

i know a woman, a beautiful and inspiring woman, a wealthy woman, a woman who owns her own business which is also a charity, a woman who is in the middle of completely remodeling a home, a woman who is on the brink of getting married, a woman with 2 dogs and many employees and a solid collection of friends all over our city and the country.  - a woman who almost always answers her phone, almost always gives you some kind of reply to texts and emails, a woman who more often than not remembers to think of others.

this woman is generally a happy person.

at the same time, i know a man who came from a prominent family, always drives expensive cars, lives in a fashionable neighborhood, owns a solid business development, has great family that he's always showering with gifts and gear, and likes to point out all his great connections. - a man who's ruined his lifelong friendships with greed and insecurity, has racked up an unbelievable and little known mountain of debt, secretly lives a life of turmoil, a man who never answers his phone or replies to texts.

this man isn't very happy.

are these just two random people, and the lack of response to others not a factor to their lives or happiness?

well, i'm not a shrink... and certainly there are people who are completely happy being alone.  but it seems the people who want to be loved and respected while not adjusting who they are end up being the ones who hide.

they aren't always hiding of course, they have needs, they have wants, they have things they want to do - and they are more than happy to involve you when they need you.  but do they answer the phone when it doesn't suit them?  do they answer the phone if they are just sitting at home doing nothing and you want to say hello?

probably not.

why?  who knows...  maybe i'm not as close to these people as i think i am.  and... maybe the other people who have noticed this aren't as close either.  some are sisters and brothers of the people in question, but who knows, family doesn't mean much these days.

and would it make a difference if they responded?  maybe not.  who's to say they'd give you any kind of response you want?  so many people these days give faux emotional responses, trendy emoji's, and LOL's to their friends, and a never ending stream of texted 'I LOVE YOU's to their friends and family.  of course, everyone likes to know they are loved, but when you get an easily sent text and no actual effort, you start to notice this is a knee-jerk response that probably has little to no actual value.  and when you never see the person Laugh Out Loud or show you that they actually love you when you need them... you start to see the truth.

worse, we live in a time when the latest technology offers you the ability to send 'read receipts' to people - you can tell people that you got their message.  i do this, most of my close friends do, and when i send them a text, i can see that the read it and when.

but... you can (on some level) tell what kind of person you're dealing with when they disable this feature.  they don't want you knowing they ignored you, even though its obvious from the lack of response - but maybe by the time you realize it, you'll forget they may just be an asshole.

and that's an important issue - no one wants to be the asshole.  they may say they don't care, but they do, if they didn't care they'd let you know they read your text and you can suck it up.  no, they want to be loved, but they may not want to put in the work.

guess what - you're not fooling anyone... you never replied.  you couldn't even kick out an 'ok', or a 'i will call you later'.  the latest iPhone actually has a feature that allows you to kick out a nearly automated reply text when you can't answer the phone.  they have actually factored in to the design of the phone that most people want to NOT come off looking like an asshole.

on some level, people need to realize the levels that are communication... you can ignore someone, you can text them, you could talk to them on the phone, you could talk with them in person, and you could be with them with little to no notice for any level of importance.

and in that, you show what kind of person you are.  being someone who barely contacts others or barely responds paints a picture of a fairly sad person, and the person who's always giving an actual response to others shows the world how solid they are.

i don't know what to think of people at times, have some of us started to lean so heavily on the crutch that is technology, or has it become yet another way for people to see the emptiness in others?

here's what i do know - if you want to be a better person in the eyes of others, answer your phone.