i'm 3 days in 2011 and so far i'm calling it a success...
2010, like 2009, was a wash. sure i helped with my sick mother and met some great new people... but my repeated attempts to expand my agency representation in Chicago found no results, and while i did find a new agent in Memphis the rest of the situation left me bored and depressed - and expanding.
the boredom of a bad economy and the corresponding lower flow of work opportunities left me with a bored and slightly depressed state of mind... worse than 2009, and toward the end of the year i basically let go.
i'm lucky enough to have someone in my life who has challenged me to a motivating little competition to get into shape. in this, i found some motivation. she's gorgeous and is probably taking advantage of my looking for a reason to do it, while she keeps talking up how she needs to lose weight i can't imagine where from. as anal as i am about the female form, she's at most a salty snack overweight - so i'm totally going to kick her ass.
all this talk has me motivated to continue on with my propaganda after my birthday - this year will be the big 4-0. good god, if you had asked me 25 years ago what my life would be like at 40 i couldn't have been more wrong. understand this: i was going to be married by 25, possibly even have a kid out, and my career in finance was going to have me all over the planet. i would still call st. louis my home, but often would need to spend time at my posh condo in NYC for business reasons.
um, fail.
somehow, i stopped aging in a lot of ways right after i thought up that dreamscape. my home is in kirkwood, the house i have in chicago isn't mine and i havent been there in over a year, i didn't finally decide on a career until a few years ago (and even that is uncertain), i havent left the country in 5 years, and i couldn't be more single & childless.
but, i'm starting slow & steady and getting back - something i've been saying i'm going to do for some time. fuck it, i have to stop letting my boredom define things, because eventually auditions come up and i look like crap.
so - i have to keep myself busy... what does that mean? early spring cleaning - for the first time in the decade that i've have my home i'm going to give it a full scrub down, each room is getting things thrown away - everything must go. i dont need great decorating, but i need a clean home to seat my clean body.
dont get excited with me saying clean body.
i'm giving up booze, and with the screwed up life i live that pretty much means giving up my flirtatious ways - all which is fine... i didn't have any issues with loyalty anyway, but being tipsy and a flirt has caused some concern over the years. sadly, i can't remember the last first kiss i had sober... and there's probably a lengthy list of of crap which can be associated with booze. let's just hope this doesn't make me into a limp asshole.
so, day 1 without booze and the cleaning has begun... its so bad here you can't even tell i filled a trash bag today. i'd like to have a definite change before i leave for LA so i can feel like i'm coming home to a clean house and not a fraternity house. my competition will be traveling this weekend and at the end of the month - and travel is going to be the biggest problem in all this! when you travel, you're feel free, you feel 'on vacation'... luckily i only have one short trip planned - and when she gets back i'm going to look ridiculous hot!
this is my road to 40, i'm going to get my body back and get cleaned up, and get myself back on track as the country gets itself back. it's time.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
one more year, a lot less hair
a week before my birthday i was at Tom's house, after not drinking for nearly 2 months i finally decided to have a glass of wine or two with Tom & his wife Jogi. that day had been rough on Jogi and a week later she had another hard day scheduled dealing with some drama... so i asked her if i should be ready for a few more glasses of wine to let her know i'd be there for her. as the night progressed, the subject changed and Tom invited me to join them the following weekend for Labor Day at their place at the lake. we'd had a few glasses of wine, so i didnt think the invitation was completely serious... more impulsive, so i let it go.
the week progressed, and as carolyn and i talked all day via email and texts, i mentioned to her that she should keep next tuesday free for her mom Jogi. she was of course there for her, though we were unsure what we'd do with the night if Jogi decided she didn't want the company... the week moved on.
friday arrived and carolyn was on the road to the lake, i was at home. we talked about the upcoming week a bit... still focused on her mom, and me not going to the lake - but the next day as we were texting back & forth and she said something suspicious: "we have Tuesday night planned". Tom must have noticed that i hadn't come down and called me to ask where i was. so i stuffed some things in a bag and headed to the lake.
i arrived late saturday night, to a card game which left me confused... Tom and his family are card sharks. after we headed to the deck for a couple bottles of wine which left me a bit of a mess the next morning. we spent sunday on the water enjoying the sun (Carolyn and I may have gotten too much), then more cards, and sunday night Jogi made an awesome dinner. i'd learned my lesson the night before, and spent the night winding down on the couch with Carolyn where she introduced me to a show called 'Snapped'... which was nothing short of twisted.
on Labor Day we went back out on the water again, then we all helped Tom put some of the summer things away before we headed back... this weekend sounds so simple, but it was undoubtedly the best Labor Day i have had in my 30's.
the next day was Tuesday, my birthday, and a day when Jogi had a lot of stress to deal with. Carolyn told me to be at her place at 6:30, and i arrived to confirm what i suspected, she had turned the night into a birthday celebration for me. there was a spread of mexican food all made by her. i can't lie, i was impressed. i generally don't like people doing things for me... i appreciate a kind thought and words of recognition, but all the effort she had gone through really meant a lot to me. on some level i figured i would spend my birthday night having a quick bite with mom & dad, then run over to Tom & Jogi's to help her blow off some steam, but instead we were celebrating my birthday. Carolyn's sister arrived a few hours later, and then i was presented with two bags of gag gifts and a card from them all. in the end, it was simple, and simply amazing. while playing cards that previous Sunday, Tom had announced, "welcome to the family!" and while i'm not family, i felt very much like i was.
around 10pm, all the ladies realized it was late for them, and while Tom and I continued to ramble on the balcony, they packed up all kinds of leftovers and we were sent home. however, as i got near my house, i got a call from friends downtown wanting to keep things alive. Subash was with Oliver down at a bar where Slaps works. from there we progressed to Shiver, where we met up with a guy named Cody who had with him a group of friends which helped the great night move on. we all enjoyed one of their choice vodkas and swung around in their globe chairs before heading across the street to Flamingo Bowl which made for great people watching. it was a nice way to meet out some buddies and wind down my birthday night.
wednesday was fairly relaxed, as was thursday... since I spent the night of the 7th out, I went over and had dinner with my parent's on wednesday night. my mother is on a never ending battle for me to scower my house, and since i don't like gifts, she bought me a ton of cleaning supplies.
then friday i got email from my agent explaining that yet another of my rare auditions had been a fail. i'd had enough of my look and not working... i hated my hair. it was shaggy and had been for nearly 3 years... ugh. i wanted a drastic change.
a lifelong friend of mine had been wanting to shave away my shag for weeks, i had jokingly suggested a mohawk. and friday was the day. i got to meredith's house around 9pm, she and her husband KC had just gotten home from taking the kids out for greek food... and they'd gotten their hands on a professional razor. Shnidy and his wife were witnesses as meredith's middle child sat in front of me in the garage giggling... before i knew it, the whole neighborhood of children sat next to me in amazement. meredith worked slowly and nervously... taking a break in the middle when KC issued quick judgement on the remaining hairs on the sides of my scalp. before you knew, i was done - mohawk style!
i woke up the next morning with a pink mohawk faltering after hours of being mashed into a pillow. i took the day slowly... saturday night, a week from my drive to the lake, would be the annual "September Birthdays Party".
for over a decade, a group of us who were all hatched in the first week of september have had a party together... and it was time for that event. i adorned myself in the usual offensive tshirt, a sexy blazer, cargo shorts, and flip flops. i headed back to meredith's, where she gave the 'hawk some volume and we first headed to Araka for a few drinks. after Araka we made out way to Schneithorst's for the event.
this year's turnout was awesome, i couldn't believe how many people showed up... faces i hadn't seen in years, people who had to fly in from across the country, people who you would think would make up excuses about kids or other obligations, those from both coasts and those who had so much else going on made it. it was awesome.
easily half that upstairs deck was our group of people, i was impressed with those who showed up even though they didn't know many, and was impressed with everyone's happy demeanor.
really, the week was perfect. from Tom's hospitality at the lake, to Carolyn's birthday dinner for me which was full of thoughtful detail, being surrounded by Meredith's family and neighbors and my friends, and the 50+ people at the September Birthdays party... it was an awesome year.
the week progressed, and as carolyn and i talked all day via email and texts, i mentioned to her that she should keep next tuesday free for her mom Jogi. she was of course there for her, though we were unsure what we'd do with the night if Jogi decided she didn't want the company... the week moved on.
 |
| cards on the dock |
on Labor Day we went back out on the water again, then we all helped Tom put some of the summer things away before we headed back... this weekend sounds so simple, but it was undoubtedly the best Labor Day i have had in my 30's.
the next day was Tuesday, my birthday, and a day when Jogi had a lot of stress to deal with. Carolyn told me to be at her place at 6:30, and i arrived to confirm what i suspected, she had turned the night into a birthday celebration for me. there was a spread of mexican food all made by her. i can't lie, i was impressed. i generally don't like people doing things for me... i appreciate a kind thought and words of recognition, but all the effort she had gone through really meant a lot to me. on some level i figured i would spend my birthday night having a quick bite with mom & dad, then run over to Tom & Jogi's to help her blow off some steam, but instead we were celebrating my birthday. Carolyn's sister arrived a few hours later, and then i was presented with two bags of gag gifts and a card from them all. in the end, it was simple, and simply amazing. while playing cards that previous Sunday, Tom had announced, "welcome to the family!" and while i'm not family, i felt very much like i was.
around 10pm, all the ladies realized it was late for them, and while Tom and I continued to ramble on the balcony, they packed up all kinds of leftovers and we were sent home. however, as i got near my house, i got a call from friends downtown wanting to keep things alive. Subash was with Oliver down at a bar where Slaps works. from there we progressed to Shiver, where we met up with a guy named Cody who had with him a group of friends which helped the great night move on. we all enjoyed one of their choice vodkas and swung around in their globe chairs before heading across the street to Flamingo Bowl which made for great people watching. it was a nice way to meet out some buddies and wind down my birthday night.wednesday was fairly relaxed, as was thursday... since I spent the night of the 7th out, I went over and had dinner with my parent's on wednesday night. my mother is on a never ending battle for me to scower my house, and since i don't like gifts, she bought me a ton of cleaning supplies.
then friday i got email from my agent explaining that yet another of my rare auditions had been a fail. i'd had enough of my look and not working... i hated my hair. it was shaggy and had been for nearly 3 years... ugh. i wanted a drastic change.
a lifelong friend of mine had been wanting to shave away my shag for weeks, i had jokingly suggested a mohawk. and friday was the day. i got to meredith's house around 9pm, she and her husband KC had just gotten home from taking the kids out for greek food... and they'd gotten their hands on a professional razor. Shnidy and his wife were witnesses as meredith's middle child sat in front of me in the garage giggling... before i knew it, the whole neighborhood of children sat next to me in amazement. meredith worked slowly and nervously... taking a break in the middle when KC issued quick judgement on the remaining hairs on the sides of my scalp. before you knew, i was done - mohawk style! |  |  |
this year's turnout was awesome, i couldn't believe how many people showed up... faces i hadn't seen in years, people who had to fly in from across the country, people who you would think would make up excuses about kids or other obligations, those from both coasts and those who had so much else going on made it. it was awesome.
easily half that upstairs deck was our group of people, i was impressed with those who showed up even though they didn't know many, and was impressed with everyone's happy demeanor.
really, the week was perfect. from Tom's hospitality at the lake, to Carolyn's birthday dinner for me which was full of thoughtful detail, being surrounded by Meredith's family and neighbors and my friends, and the 50+ people at the September Birthdays party... it was an awesome year.
or
Thursday, September 2, 2010
the girls in the middle
i have two beautiful nieces, and i think the world of them. just months ago the older one was in beauty pageant and needed to find someone with a convertible to drive her in a parade and she called me to drive her in my beat up old Jeep. i couldn't have been happier - i was so nervous since the other convertibles were so nice, and my friend Amy even offered to let us do it in her red Audi but she wanted it to be in my '86 CJ. i actually heard people from the crowd say things about how awesome the old Jeeps were! she heard it too and loved it, it was great.
the younger one i recently ran into randomly walking to a friend's house after school as i sat outside on my friend's patio. the two girls joined us for a bit and we hung out and had some laughs and after leaving my friend complimented her in so many ways. her personality is nothing like her older sister, this one is the brainy one who likes to test people, her grades are awesome and i'm very proud of her.
proud of both really, they are children of divorce and times aren't always easy. i don't get to see them a lot because they aren't my kids, but my sister lived with my parents for years after the divorce and still regularly unloads them over there so i probably see them more than most uncles.
my father has really been the male role model in their life, with me as a backup. i take them to the father-daughter events, and at times i've had to be a little hard on them, etc. i have no kids, but i think i do a good job when i do.
then, about 2 weeks ago, their mother started to lip off on my Facebook page. i love my sister, but her insecurities drive her need to be heard so much that she doesn't seem to pay attention when she starts to act or rant. i had made a post about people posting pics of their kids on that site, and how the pictures were not secured and any pervert could see them. i followed up the post with my own comment stating clearly that my motivations for saying what i said were really to stop the congestive flow of pictures from everyone's kid having yet another first day of school. my sister didn't bother to read that...
eager to shut down the big brother which always blocks her sun, she replied with rants about my being a hypocrite, then followed it up with more posts about how stupid my thoughts were because of the impossible effort needed to find the pics in question. somewhere in the middle i tried to point out that people should read everything i said... but she continued.
finally, i'd had enough, and i defriended her. my sister is notorious for problems on Facebook. of the 106 friends we have in common there, i can't tell you the number of people who have come to me and apologized for having to block her, or the others who have just let her go. are they friends or at least friendly to her? sure, but she rants, and as shown here in this simple example she seems to rant without taking the time to be informed, and often she lets emotion guide her decision making.
and then she did, again...
this morning i was informed by my niece that her mother instructed her to block me on Facebook. i'm sure she will have some excuse, something about my talking about drinking or some event i had pictures of being too wild... but the timing seems a little perfect that this happened right after i defriended her.
and, she's notorious for playing these games with my mother. mom loves to see these girls and they are getting older and less likely to spend time with grandma. when grandma isn't good to my sister, she finds other places to warehouse her kids, or she just leaves them at her boyfriend's house. klassy huh? yeah, not surprisingly, their mother is the kinda woman who brings her kids to sleep at the boyfriends house. now with that option, she has the ability to exercise more controls.
my sister called me a few weeks ago asking me to watch her dog because my mother had complained about something so instead of bringing the girls and the dog over to stay with them while she traveled, she was going to warehouse one girl elsewhere and leave the dog with me. uh, no. i'm not going to help you play your game.
and now, i can't be friends with my nieces on Facebook.
i have (or had) someone in my life who lived through things like this after her parent's divorce, but i can't talk to her about it because sadly, she's now playing games with the people in her life as well. i don't know who else i can get help or advice from. her stories of the control games bordered on abusive in my mind and often made me wish i had ways to set her mother straight in her defense. truly the brightest of her siblings, any time she chose her father over her mother in even the slightest way limitations were placed on her in regards to activities or tuition payments that simply weren't placed on her younger and less able sisters. now she lives in a way where she keeps things a secret so as to not upset those who she wants love from, she tries to make everything appropriate, and cater to people. she's such a beautiful person in so many ways, and often noticed her similarities to my niece... i now have my concerns that the games will have the same impact on my girls as they did her.
and i have no one to turn to otherwise. i didnt grow up in a world where this was common place, i heard about it randomly, but to actually use a child as a method of retaliation? to cause that child to learn that if someone annoys their parent they will get pulled from them? to teach your children that they have to follow the master plan or be rejected and be forced to remove people and things from their lives which they may love and find important... who does that? who makes up excuses instead of communicating and doesn't expect the results to be poor?
my friend Adam called my sister 'spineless', but its more than that. and really, its not a battle i am prepared to fight... but i will fight for those girls. but how do you fight a parent? how do you tell your sibling with the insecurity complex that they could be wrong in how they are raising their kids?
ugh, this is killing me. if it were anything else, i would walk away.
the younger one i recently ran into randomly walking to a friend's house after school as i sat outside on my friend's patio. the two girls joined us for a bit and we hung out and had some laughs and after leaving my friend complimented her in so many ways. her personality is nothing like her older sister, this one is the brainy one who likes to test people, her grades are awesome and i'm very proud of her.
proud of both really, they are children of divorce and times aren't always easy. i don't get to see them a lot because they aren't my kids, but my sister lived with my parents for years after the divorce and still regularly unloads them over there so i probably see them more than most uncles.
my father has really been the male role model in their life, with me as a backup. i take them to the father-daughter events, and at times i've had to be a little hard on them, etc. i have no kids, but i think i do a good job when i do.
then, about 2 weeks ago, their mother started to lip off on my Facebook page. i love my sister, but her insecurities drive her need to be heard so much that she doesn't seem to pay attention when she starts to act or rant. i had made a post about people posting pics of their kids on that site, and how the pictures were not secured and any pervert could see them. i followed up the post with my own comment stating clearly that my motivations for saying what i said were really to stop the congestive flow of pictures from everyone's kid having yet another first day of school. my sister didn't bother to read that...
eager to shut down the big brother which always blocks her sun, she replied with rants about my being a hypocrite, then followed it up with more posts about how stupid my thoughts were because of the impossible effort needed to find the pics in question. somewhere in the middle i tried to point out that people should read everything i said... but she continued.
finally, i'd had enough, and i defriended her. my sister is notorious for problems on Facebook. of the 106 friends we have in common there, i can't tell you the number of people who have come to me and apologized for having to block her, or the others who have just let her go. are they friends or at least friendly to her? sure, but she rants, and as shown here in this simple example she seems to rant without taking the time to be informed, and often she lets emotion guide her decision making.
and then she did, again...
this morning i was informed by my niece that her mother instructed her to block me on Facebook. i'm sure she will have some excuse, something about my talking about drinking or some event i had pictures of being too wild... but the timing seems a little perfect that this happened right after i defriended her.
and, she's notorious for playing these games with my mother. mom loves to see these girls and they are getting older and less likely to spend time with grandma. when grandma isn't good to my sister, she finds other places to warehouse her kids, or she just leaves them at her boyfriend's house. klassy huh? yeah, not surprisingly, their mother is the kinda woman who brings her kids to sleep at the boyfriends house. now with that option, she has the ability to exercise more controls.
my sister called me a few weeks ago asking me to watch her dog because my mother had complained about something so instead of bringing the girls and the dog over to stay with them while she traveled, she was going to warehouse one girl elsewhere and leave the dog with me. uh, no. i'm not going to help you play your game.
and now, i can't be friends with my nieces on Facebook.
i have (or had) someone in my life who lived through things like this after her parent's divorce, but i can't talk to her about it because sadly, she's now playing games with the people in her life as well. i don't know who else i can get help or advice from. her stories of the control games bordered on abusive in my mind and often made me wish i had ways to set her mother straight in her defense. truly the brightest of her siblings, any time she chose her father over her mother in even the slightest way limitations were placed on her in regards to activities or tuition payments that simply weren't placed on her younger and less able sisters. now she lives in a way where she keeps things a secret so as to not upset those who she wants love from, she tries to make everything appropriate, and cater to people. she's such a beautiful person in so many ways, and often noticed her similarities to my niece... i now have my concerns that the games will have the same impact on my girls as they did her.
and i have no one to turn to otherwise. i didnt grow up in a world where this was common place, i heard about it randomly, but to actually use a child as a method of retaliation? to cause that child to learn that if someone annoys their parent they will get pulled from them? to teach your children that they have to follow the master plan or be rejected and be forced to remove people and things from their lives which they may love and find important... who does that? who makes up excuses instead of communicating and doesn't expect the results to be poor?
my friend Adam called my sister 'spineless', but its more than that. and really, its not a battle i am prepared to fight... but i will fight for those girls. but how do you fight a parent? how do you tell your sibling with the insecurity complex that they could be wrong in how they are raising their kids?
ugh, this is killing me. if it were anything else, i would walk away.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
FREEDOM!!
I want you to imagine you start a business... it could be a florist, or a restaurant, or a salon, or a computer store... anything you want.
You have the right as an American to run that business however you want, right? You can only cut men's hair, you can only do flowers for funerals, you could only serve food to cops, you could only fix the computers of lesbians - its your business, you can do with it whatever you want.
And let's assume your business does well, you expand and buy a building and decide to hire employees. You can buy or build your building, you can do that anywhere you want (as long as someone will sell to you), and you have the right to hire whoever you want - just as much as anyone has the right to not work for you as well.
So, explain to me why the government has the right to tell us lately how to run our lives?
This is still America, right? Don't we all have the right as homeowners to do anything we want in our homes? Don't we have the right as business people to run our businesses however we see fit? Its a CAPITALIST society, the business which succeeds is the one with the hardest working people and the best plan (in theory), so if anyone is doing anything to cause people to not spend their money, they won't survive.
Yet, we now live in a society of entitlement. Now even those who consider themselves conservatives roam the country assuming that they have the right to go into any business and have the conditions there up to their liking - by law.
This is not what America's about people! If you go into a hardware store and its dark & dingy and the people there look shady, you leave. There are no laws saying that products have to have value, and no laws saying a store has to be in conditions that meet your liking. If you don't like it, you don't spend your money there, right?
Booohooo - too many Americans want there to be laws telling people how to run their lives and their businesses, and how is that freedom? If you want to come to my restaurant for the atmosphere, then you want the atmosphere that I am providing, even if it includes gun-toting, cigar & pipe smoking, fur wearing, loud obnoxious people. I have the right to allow people to do whatever I want them to be able to do in my place! If its legal in general, I should be allowed to do it in MY home or MY business or MY building. If I am a wizard of hair styling, and you want me to cut your hair, and I smoke - then that's part of what you're dealing with. If i make a great cheeseburger at my home, you wouldn't tell me I can't smoke there - so why do you feel the righ to tell me I can't at my business. If you don't like it, don't come there - - YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED THE RIGHT TO PATRONIZE ANY BUSINESS ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO MAKE USE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.
So someday, when you setup your own business, and then you find out that the government made it illegal for people to do what they want with their lives, and all the freedom you may lose in you own home - you remember it started now, and we allowed it.
You have the right as an American to run that business however you want, right? You can only cut men's hair, you can only do flowers for funerals, you could only serve food to cops, you could only fix the computers of lesbians - its your business, you can do with it whatever you want.
And let's assume your business does well, you expand and buy a building and decide to hire employees. You can buy or build your building, you can do that anywhere you want (as long as someone will sell to you), and you have the right to hire whoever you want - just as much as anyone has the right to not work for you as well.
So, explain to me why the government has the right to tell us lately how to run our lives?
This is still America, right? Don't we all have the right as homeowners to do anything we want in our homes? Don't we have the right as business people to run our businesses however we see fit? Its a CAPITALIST society, the business which succeeds is the one with the hardest working people and the best plan (in theory), so if anyone is doing anything to cause people to not spend their money, they won't survive.
Yet, we now live in a society of entitlement. Now even those who consider themselves conservatives roam the country assuming that they have the right to go into any business and have the conditions there up to their liking - by law.
This is not what America's about people! If you go into a hardware store and its dark & dingy and the people there look shady, you leave. There are no laws saying that products have to have value, and no laws saying a store has to be in conditions that meet your liking. If you don't like it, you don't spend your money there, right?
Booohooo - too many Americans want there to be laws telling people how to run their lives and their businesses, and how is that freedom? If you want to come to my restaurant for the atmosphere, then you want the atmosphere that I am providing, even if it includes gun-toting, cigar & pipe smoking, fur wearing, loud obnoxious people. I have the right to allow people to do whatever I want them to be able to do in my place! If its legal in general, I should be allowed to do it in MY home or MY business or MY building. If I am a wizard of hair styling, and you want me to cut your hair, and I smoke - then that's part of what you're dealing with. If i make a great cheeseburger at my home, you wouldn't tell me I can't smoke there - so why do you feel the righ to tell me I can't at my business. If you don't like it, don't come there - - YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED THE RIGHT TO PATRONIZE ANY BUSINESS ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO MAKE USE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.
So someday, when you setup your own business, and then you find out that the government made it illegal for people to do what they want with their lives, and all the freedom you may lose in you own home - you remember it started now, and we allowed it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
unrealistic times
ok, no one can find me on Facebook...
holy crap, i never thought i'd get this much attention for NOT being around. ironically, the reason for my not being around is because i'm not wanted around - what? yeah... ok...
over the last 3 years, there have been 3 people at the core of my life, all 3 i considered my closest friends. in the last 6 months, i effectively lost two of them. i guess one could argue that it was my lack of action which caused me to lose them, and on some level i am sorry for that. however, at the same time what they wanted wasn't realistic. one was a woman, we dated and on many levels she is very important to me. we stopped dating and i was reminded how unimportant i am to her. given how she's treating other people in her life, i'm not sure how surprised i am. i think she wants to be a good person who does the right thing, but in the end, thats not easy and often it will cost you as many relationships as it protects.
but, she's her own situation and its not like she's willing to pick up a phone and put any effort into friends (or, at least not this friend), so it tells a story. she needs to Eat, Pray, Love, and until then all i can do is be the better person.
being the better person... this is something i often try to do.
then, there's the other person we'll call him H - a guy i thought was a good friend who has carried a chip on his shoulder for 10 years about a guy being rude to him. for some reason this is something he can't let go. rude guy is in our world, i don't control this, i dont tell him where to go, it's not my job to babysit anyone. nor is it my job to be some kind of inter-personal referee.
however, in the end, H has allowed the presence of the other guy to ruin his life, it an many other things are making him miserable. when i confront him about the details of the situation he ignores the facts and points out that this rude person was on my Facebook friends list - what? yes, he wass one of the 600+ people on my friends list. H has 273 people on his friends list, and probably 1/3 of them also have the rude guy on their Facebook friends list... but he doesn't complain to them, he complains to me.
this has gone on for YEARS. his argument: if this rude person isn't an important factor in my life, then i can easily remove him and it shouldn't make a difference. really, its Facebook, none of it makes a difference. but - if i do this, what's next? how much childish crap do i have to do for this 40 year old man to feel better about himself? i'm tired of looking like this guys bitch in the eyes of the world over a childish issue. if this was something i believed in, a cause of value, i could make a statement - but what statement am i to make when people notice? what statement can i make that doesnt in the end make me just look like a fool?
i have tried many things to split the difference, but in the end H stalks me. he monitors my Facebook page to the point where he will know details on friends he doesn't know and will probably never meet, family members of people i went to grade school with, and so on. he monitors my tweets, he monitors my life, he stalks me - and he has told me he has to do it to make sure i'm not trying to pull some kind of trickery on him. what? yes, trickery, trickery that could involve the evil rude person. that, and to make sure i am not ruining his reputation. sadly, the truth of his actions is more damaging than anything i could possibly invent... but the truth is apparently what he wants hidden. its a proud life for this 40 year old man. shockingly, he's not happy in life.
and really, that's it, misery loves company. its safe to assume that if H is going to banish himself to a life of solitude where he avoids events and places and more just to avoid this person, he wants to make sure that someone will sit there with him and not enjoy life too.
SO - how can i dispose of his demands, and still have my own life? well, his demands were based on Facebook, so i got rid of Facebook. i got rid of the 600 friends and the pictures and changed my email address that Facebook had.
i feel bad for H, it has to suck to be in the situation he's in between his insistance on being right while knowing he leads a life he can't share with his family or the world. what sucks for him even more is that he got rid of his Facebook account and next to no one noticed where as i've spend the last 48 hours fielding tweets and texts and IMs and emails from countless people. he's lonely.
he's not stupid, he knows that he has alienated people on purpose. he knows he pushed everyone away over this all-important rude person who's nearly never around. it has to suck to be SO right about everything that it costs you so much.
ironically, the two people i mentioned here used to complain about the amount of time i spent with the other person.
H spent today trying to catch me in some kind of 'trickery', claiming to know what i did, but unable to point it out. here's what i did - i got rid of everything. this was followed by claims that i would just go back to it all as if that was a crime.
holy crap, i never thought i'd get this much attention for NOT being around. ironically, the reason for my not being around is because i'm not wanted around - what? yeah... ok...
over the last 3 years, there have been 3 people at the core of my life, all 3 i considered my closest friends. in the last 6 months, i effectively lost two of them. i guess one could argue that it was my lack of action which caused me to lose them, and on some level i am sorry for that. however, at the same time what they wanted wasn't realistic. one was a woman, we dated and on many levels she is very important to me. we stopped dating and i was reminded how unimportant i am to her. given how she's treating other people in her life, i'm not sure how surprised i am. i think she wants to be a good person who does the right thing, but in the end, thats not easy and often it will cost you as many relationships as it protects.
but, she's her own situation and its not like she's willing to pick up a phone and put any effort into friends (or, at least not this friend), so it tells a story. she needs to Eat, Pray, Love, and until then all i can do is be the better person.
being the better person... this is something i often try to do.
then, there's the other person we'll call him H - a guy i thought was a good friend who has carried a chip on his shoulder for 10 years about a guy being rude to him. for some reason this is something he can't let go. rude guy is in our world, i don't control this, i dont tell him where to go, it's not my job to babysit anyone. nor is it my job to be some kind of inter-personal referee.
however, in the end, H has allowed the presence of the other guy to ruin his life, it an many other things are making him miserable. when i confront him about the details of the situation he ignores the facts and points out that this rude person was on my Facebook friends list - what? yes, he wass one of the 600+ people on my friends list. H has 273 people on his friends list, and probably 1/3 of them also have the rude guy on their Facebook friends list... but he doesn't complain to them, he complains to me.
this has gone on for YEARS. his argument: if this rude person isn't an important factor in my life, then i can easily remove him and it shouldn't make a difference. really, its Facebook, none of it makes a difference. but - if i do this, what's next? how much childish crap do i have to do for this 40 year old man to feel better about himself? i'm tired of looking like this guys bitch in the eyes of the world over a childish issue. if this was something i believed in, a cause of value, i could make a statement - but what statement am i to make when people notice? what statement can i make that doesnt in the end make me just look like a fool?
i have tried many things to split the difference, but in the end H stalks me. he monitors my Facebook page to the point where he will know details on friends he doesn't know and will probably never meet, family members of people i went to grade school with, and so on. he monitors my tweets, he monitors my life, he stalks me - and he has told me he has to do it to make sure i'm not trying to pull some kind of trickery on him. what? yes, trickery, trickery that could involve the evil rude person. that, and to make sure i am not ruining his reputation. sadly, the truth of his actions is more damaging than anything i could possibly invent... but the truth is apparently what he wants hidden. its a proud life for this 40 year old man. shockingly, he's not happy in life.
and really, that's it, misery loves company. its safe to assume that if H is going to banish himself to a life of solitude where he avoids events and places and more just to avoid this person, he wants to make sure that someone will sit there with him and not enjoy life too.
SO - how can i dispose of his demands, and still have my own life? well, his demands were based on Facebook, so i got rid of Facebook. i got rid of the 600 friends and the pictures and changed my email address that Facebook had.
i feel bad for H, it has to suck to be in the situation he's in between his insistance on being right while knowing he leads a life he can't share with his family or the world. what sucks for him even more is that he got rid of his Facebook account and next to no one noticed where as i've spend the last 48 hours fielding tweets and texts and IMs and emails from countless people. he's lonely.
he's not stupid, he knows that he has alienated people on purpose. he knows he pushed everyone away over this all-important rude person who's nearly never around. it has to suck to be SO right about everything that it costs you so much.
ironically, the two people i mentioned here used to complain about the amount of time i spent with the other person.
H spent today trying to catch me in some kind of 'trickery', claiming to know what i did, but unable to point it out. here's what i did - i got rid of everything. this was followed by claims that i would just go back to it all as if that was a crime.
Friday, August 6, 2010
fans and friends
i get that a lot, people make comments which at times seem encouraging and at other times seem like a cross between jealousy and an effort to be involved so they can watch. this kinda bothered me.
i have a lot of people in my life, and i don't expect to see or talk to all of them often, but from a few i realized i ONLY heard from them at moments like this, our friendship was arm's length it seemed, but they felt they could comment away as if they still knew me well enough to do so. the tweets started flying, and when i thought about it, the only person who i thought really knew me well enough on twitter to say these things wasn't commenting at all, but she had made comments like these in the past... and now couldn't, or wouldn't, because of reasons i can only suspect which in the end have landed us only able to be friends behind the scenes.
i was back on the road, and it hit me - while her reasons were kinda sad, overall a lot of these people were similar in that they liked the idea of my being their friend, but not really, they just liked having me out there at arm's length for whatever reason, and hoped i would keep myself there so they didn't have to put any effort in. they were too busy, someone like me wouldn't understand, they had jobs and kids and other things to maintain.
really, its the maintenance of their illusion which is key. i know plenty of people jobs and kids and active lives who manage to keep themselves rather social, but the people of that day... seem to not be able to do that, nor could they admit as to why. let's face it, its embarrassing to say that you can't or won't reach out to others because of some situation you should be able to control. you control what you do with your life, you control if your kids are well behaved, you control if your spouse can't trust you, you control your own views.
i was annoyed, and this has annoyed me before. so i said it publicly, i tweeted back to all who were apparently listening that their responses would be proven wrong, that i would turn myself around, put a 3 hour drive of effort in and come back to see who wanted to really get out and be social. i didnt expect parents to show up, last minute sitters are hard to find... and i didnt expect someone to be there if they were scheduled to work somehow that night... and really, i didn't expect any of them to show up at all.
none of them responded. as usual, people who like to make claims of maturity and proper behaviour tend to get really quiet when they are put to any social test, it seems the two are not compatible. i'm starting to think such claims are really more defensive claims for the nervous panic the feel in the face of insecurity.
and then, i got home - i was headed to Pi in the Central West End, I made it publicly known....
i spent the first part of my night with Allyson and Christina, both gorgeous and professional. Allyson is the founder and managing editor of Sauce Magazine as well as having her own media company, she's very busy... but she made it... and, she wanted me to contact her about some things and I totally dropped the ball until today, so I hope she forgives me. Christina is an attorney, has her own boutique civil litigation firm, also very busy, and she also made it. we were outside and tried to take pictures of power lines... with little success. Maggie was there with her husband Alex, though they didn't bring their toddler but they wanted to get out and see people i assume. Maggie does freelance work on top of being a mom and Alex is a rising star at Express Scripts, one of those guys who's been assigned not one but two cell phones because he's always working. They both made it.
after a few hours, a few people had to leave, it was getting late and people did have to work and deal with children and it was 11pm. i was left with Amber, Erica, and Casee. we all made our way over to Mandarin where the ladies danced and i did my poor impersonation of dancing. we sat outside on their third floor patio and met new people and had many laughs. it wasn't a crazy night, it was a good night, and it wasn't a late night really.
one of them asked me what the story was with my attitude on people, and i attempted to explain how i had plenty of friends who i didn't really go out with but i talked to often, who would eventually make time for dinner or pick up a phone and call to check in.... and then there were others who just seemed to wait around for me to reach out to them or make the periodic comments on my life."well, they find you entertaining" it was explained to me. and maybe they do. after all, a lot of the people i was tweeting with have lives which are laced with settling down and settling on life and lots of talk but not a lot of effort. i mentioned this, and pointed out how very lacking my effort is in life, and how i wished i put in a lot more at times. "but you do, and you don't follow the plain and normal, which is why you are entertaining" i was handed back.
great, i'm entertaining, and i know a lot of people who don't seem to want to be around me a lot. "well, they cant do what you do, they have lives and with it the mental blocks which created those lives, which is why they are fans of people who live like you".
ok, this sounds horrific, i've been told many times that people live through me - live through me! my life is a mess! none of the people i know would trade lives with me! "and, really they can't, its not in them".
this still doesn't answer why they couldn't pick up a phone and call... i was driving back, they were all leaving work, i said it publicly that i wanted to hear from them. why didn't they call or tweet or show up? they act like they are my friends, what's the problem?
"well, maybe they're just your fans"
and in that, for the first time I truly realized how a person could be lonely at the top, how a person could be the most popular and miserable, how a person could be a star and have everything, and be depressed.
luckily, i am not one of those people.
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