i don't want to get anything for Christmas 2011

here's reality - i have everything i need, and more.

could i use some new things?  sure... my computer is old, my clothes aren't perfect, so on, so forth... but everything works and i clean up well, and the reality is that most everyone i know is in the same position.

are you?  do you need anything for Christmas?  are you without clothes?  do you not have enough music to listen to?  do you need yet another iPod or blender or pound of fat on your belly?  will you use that 3 months of gym membership if you haven't been willing to get up and take or walk or find a way to use the stairs during your day?

and what about the people in your world?  do they need another decorative home item?  will another book they will probably never finish improve their life?

in 2011 $8.5billion in diamonds will be taken out of African diamond mines... ironically the same amount needed to cure hunger there.  and here at home, 45million americans are on food stamps... and as much as i love to point the finger at the abuse of that system, even if 75% of them are cheating, there are still a lot of americans going hungry.  think about these facts when you consider all the things you 'need'.

i live a meager life - on purpose - i have access to enough capital to get by very well, and live and awesome life... but i don't have a lot of disposable income.  most of us don't these days.  there was a time when i would blow a few hundred dollars a night on bar tabs, drove a fast german car, hung out with faster women, and spent my time and money carelessly.  i believe i have grown past that, and i let go of the money... but i still have time.  and i do give it.

when i was young, my parents often made us help feed the impoverished during the holidays.  it was more than giving a few cans of food to the church - we actually had to dress well and go into the city and help cook, greet, seat, feed, and clean up after those who didn't have a big meal with family and friends.

it was scary.  it was also one of the rare times i saw my dad come out of his shell, and put on a smile and go out of his way to make those people feel welcome.

imagine how belittling it feels to have to go into a church basement for Christmas dinner.  luckily there was someone like my dad there to welcome people in, wash away their insecurity, and talk with them a while.  i'm sure they will never remember him, but it helped shape the better part of the man i am today.

he also never really wanted anything for Christmas... and why?  he always lived simple, and made a point that he could go out and buy anything he needs or wants.  when i needed a house, he just cut a check... without thinking about the fact that he hadn't updated his wardrobe in 20+ years or bought a new car in my lifetime.  he didn't care about those things.  his friends and family were well, his kids were well fed and educated, his lights on and his belly full...

it a powerful thing to be that down to earth.

as you read this - realize that in our country we have a problem with PET OBESITY, yes, you read that right.  we are feeding our pets so well, that many of them have a weight problem.  we feel that people should get off their asses and work, but fluffy should get the extra yummy fatty treats.  and, it's true, people should get off their asses and work.

but consider ways to help them up which aren't going to conflict with your thoughts.  donating food in cans or in person can feed a lot of families, and donating clothes can help a lot of kids.  give money to a church or some effort you trust - but if you feel giving money blindly fuels the problem focus your efforts into something you think helps... and then think about the $200 gift you want, and realize that for $200 you can buy a lot of good cheap kids clothes and donate it to a shelter, or food for starving animals.

or ask people to give you a Christmas card instead of that $200 gift, and in that card a note mentioning what charity that person chose to get your equivalent donation.  and be happy that for Christmas, you had to do nothing, and yet you made the world a better place.

clearing out the past

i feel a little sad today... i realized last night that it was time to do something i had been putting off for months, if not years - cleaning up my address book.

my address book sits on my Google Apps account, and feeds out to all my computers and devices keeping them in sync.  some of those devices also pull information from Facebook and Twitter and so on, plus anyone who's in my G+ circles has the ability to update their own data, and so on... and when women get married or people move and only change their info in one place you end up with extra information, old information, duplications, and so on - ugh, it was a mess.  to the tune of 1300 contacts.

my friend reminded me that some of them were even dead.  reality.

facebook is trying to be a global address book of sorts, those who use it on a mobile level may have noticed it regularly asking for your phone number - this is why.  i realized that the 800 people on facebook don't all need to be in my address book for just that reason.  some of them i rarely talk to, some of them i will probably never need to talk to - but if i really must find them, they were be there.  poof - 100 people gone from the 1300.

(however, the reality is that while i keep a policy that i need to have really known someone before i add them on facebook, via school, or work, or something present or past... the reality is that i could probably clip another 100 from the fb list as well - i'll have to come back to that).

Google has many features, including the ability to find and merge duplications - poof, another 100 gone.  this wasn't as easy for all of them, as some of them were Sr. and Jr. men who shouldn't be merged, and others were women who's names had changed that were listed twice because the link to Facebook had them differently than in my address book.  personally, if i knew you before you got married (and especially if i dont really know your husband), then i know you by your old name... but, to make things easy, i gave and merged new names into old.

then, the dead... this was kind of a bummer.  one woman died a few years ago, she was a brilliant and giving soul who's body just wasn't able to keep going.  i hate to see good people go, she was so fragile, but had no fear, and through her life of poor health recognized what was worth being bothered by and what was a waste of time.  i remember a night when she and i went out and ran into two of the loudest most obnoxious men i know, and she handled them with no problem - even to the point where by the end of the night one was helping her broken body get around, up and down stairs and so on.  on some level, she brought out a good side to the bad.  i didn't know her as well as i wish i had, and it sucked to delete her if only because she was such a good person.  however, life goes on.

from there, an app - because there's always an app for that.  i broke out the MyPhone+ app for iPhone and used that to update as much information in people that could be matched to my facebook friends (541 of them i think)... this also helped with the name changes and so on, though my niece adding to her name had to be adjusted.  after that - another merge.

after that, another page by page review - i'm finally below 950.  this is crazy... i look at some of these people and realize that i may never do business with them, or that the odds are slim i'll ever need to call my friend's mother... but then i think that the point of this is to have those listed so that in the event of the need its available to me.

and, the Google Contact List is the cornerstone of all the Google services... so, G+, and Latitude, and all the facial recognition tags in my Picasa will be screwed up if i delete someone who's listed in any of that, so i can't just take someone out because i talk to them daily.

so... who to keep and who should go?  on some level i'm going to stick with the facebook idea in that i've been lucky enough to meet and get along with many good people in my life.  just this past spring i met a man in hong kong who talks to me often on facebook, great guy, and if i need to contact him i can always do it via facebook.  some people have left facebook for personal reasons, so i'll keep them in my address book.  others have done the infamous 'defriending' of me for one reason or another... i know one woman does that simply because she only uses facebook to communicate with people she is currently actively social with, so she stays in the address book... another woman defriended me for unknown reasons, but has had numerous emotional issues over the last few years and often pointed the finger at others in her inability to move on.... yeah... i'm not sure how to handle her... ugh, before the drama we were friends, she didn't get up in my face about it, and i can't just let people go like that, so she stays.

hmm.... the list gets thinner... women i dated but never had a friendship with and haven't spoken to in a while - gone.  you were all beautiful in some way, but if we aren't talking there's a reason... and in reality, getting you back into the fold would probably just lead to trouble.  i'm sure there's a few of you on facebook that need to come to the same fate.

family... oof... my mom is one of 17 kids, there's a LOT of family in my address book.  however, i also get a printed family buzzbook every year, and my mom is a walking address book... so, i may have to thin that out a bit.

then there's an odd problem i think many people have - people i keep in my address book because i DON'T want to hear from them.  people who's name i want to pop up on my screen so i know NOT to answer... how long do i let that go until i've decided they're probably not going to call anymore?  i'm going to go with a year.

i have a friend who keeps well under 100 people in his address book, and those people generally only get one email address, etc.  he's not very social.... and i'm on the other end of the spectrum.  i need to work on keeping this simple, yet current and well rounded.  if anyone has tips - i'd love to hear them!

i had a great day

i went to a wedding last night, two people i used to work with got married after years together.  spoon went with me, which i appreciate because she tolerates not knowing anyone and she has an odd shy side.  by the end of the night, we were both beat, and she dropped me off at home.

last night i slept like a rock, i love that about life, sleeping is awesome.  i sleep best when my diet is good, when i get up early, when i exercise, when i avoid booze, and when i keep busy during the day... preferably with things that involve movement.  its not really shocking, eating poorly irritates the body in many ways, as does booze, and movement & exercise by nature are tiring.

i didn't drink much last night, i ate properly, drank a lot of water, and got to see a lot of great old friends in person.  really, its the 'in person' aspect of life which defines it, we get so caught up in the image we portray online and all the people we act like we have relationships with.  i'm lucky in that people are hard on me, they say what they think of me in person... and thankfully, it isn't always pleasant.

so today, i got up and announced that i was going to get something to eat.  i got a reply to go to the festival of nations with a few people and we did.  we spent a few hours walking around and trying foreign foods - awesome.  after, we met a few of the guys at a local favorite restaurant.  they all split many pitchers, but i didn't really drink until one of them dropped a beer in front of me assuming i was in a bad mood.

some great conversation spawned from this, talk of life and how people felt and saw things.  more people joined us (some invited and some not), the conversation continued as we sat outside, and after 5 hours a few of us moved on to another location for dinner.

four of us were left, and we had a great dinner.  laughter and more conversation, and jokes about happenings in the past.  we talked about anything from women to cars to investments and dreams.  we talked about plans to travel, plans to get healthier, plans to do more things.  one guy recently dropped his facebook page, so we talked about that... and the impact of people spending too much time online, or being too focused on making it their social life, and one guy who has once again has convinced many of the women that he's gay because of who he follows on twitter, ha (i purposely didn't touch that one, i'm tired of being blamed for people talking about that).

and the food was awesome, simple... not the healthiest, but fitting.  for the day, we had all stuffed ourselves.  everything was out on the table, for the day each one of us had talked about accomplishments and failures, pride and issues of complete embarrassment.  and really, thats where we showed the best part of ourselves... our ability to admit flaws and personal beliefs, and accept it ourselves and in each other and let go.

i dont mean to sound like some kinda weepy extra from Oprah, but there was just no bullshit... it was awesome.  no drama.  basically, it was 'this is me, you all know this is me, if you have anything you're not sure of ask, i'll tell you the truth, and if you don't like it, fuck off, ha'.

and that was a big topic for a while - one of the guys is a major boy scout, he always carries himself well, and while he enjoys the company of persons who act the fool he is big on being 'respectable'... and he's not going to act that way only part of the time, he makes his own decisions - and if someone doesn't like it they can kiss off.  of course, he's got nothing to hide and some would argue they do... but then one could ask, why they have to hide it...

and, in the end, the night wound down, and we went to leave... where we found someone had lost a few boxes of rubber gloves in the street, and each car that drove by popped like it was driving over a sheet of packing material.  we stood and watched and had a laugh and ended our 12 hours out & about to go home.

it was just a good day, it was not planned AT ALL.  it was just a few texts, and a few calls, and the decision that it was better to let go and have a day hanging out with people than laying around at home or keeping to some set of scheduled but unimportant ritual activities.  it just happened.

let life happen people, be yourself, hide nothing, and let life happen.

Mila, the genius

recently an article was posted on CNN.com where Mila Kunis discussed her loss of 20lbs off her already perfect body to play a ballerina in the film Black Swan.

she makes two points:  first: the world judges, period, its that simple.  even the nicest people who don't hold others responsible for their appearance still notice and form an opinion.  second: anyone can lose the weight and look good if their want to... they just have to want to.

and ya know, its true - i was 'going' to lose weight this summer and i havent, in fact, i'm laying here right now stuffed with a lunch a friend and i enjoyed after i helped her setup her new phone.  its been 3 hours, and i still feel stuffed.  i ate that much.  i am, that stupid.

i just did it, i wasn't thinking... i was hungry, she offered to buy some fast food, i went for it.

i don't even keep food in my house, and have stopped going out for fast food alone telling myself that i'm only going out to eat if there's a social or business reason which warrants the expense or if they're buying - an attempt to let finances control my efforts.

and still, i fail.

the truth is i know people who take care of themselves.  who know better than to eat crap, and who know to always order the child's portion with water if crap is all that's available.  AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE.  and i'm not saying to not enjoy life - do you need soda and booze and greasy food to enjoy life??  i love that shit, but in reality, we shouldn't 'need' that to enjoy life.  life can still be enjoyed without eating crap, life can still be enjoyed without picking the crap off other people's plate and feeling like you didn't eat it since you didn't order it, life is something you should be able to enjoy without soda and (yes, i'm shocked that i'm saying this) without booze.  and most importantly, food can still be enjoyed - even bad food - in moderation.

so... i'm staring down 40, and i want to get back to what i call 'shoot weight'.  but do i really?  i have to want it.

as the great Yoda said, "do or do not - there is no try", so i'm done trying.

i actually got up and went to mass at 8am, then dressed for the gym.  after that i got a call from my parents needing whatever and the friend who needed help, and before you knew it i was so full all i could do was take a nap.  but, this needs to end.

for the last few weeks, i've had a friend who's been texting a group of us everything he puts in his mouth... and it was really fucking annoying.  but, on some level, it caused him to be solely responsible for what he ate and the results.  i'm going to do the same.

not via text, i'm not going to force it down anyone's throat, but from here i'm going to form a new blog and in a week or so make it publicly available, with pictures to show progress... 40 days of improved eating for the 40 year old man.  we will start with a cleanse, and finish looking clean.  there will already be problem meals coming, i have a charity dinner and two weddings in the next 3 weeks alone - but this is my plan.  and hopefully, i can inspire everyone else.

because ladies, you're all as beautiful as Mila on the inside - there's no reason why at 40 you can't look just as good on the outside.  hell, i already look that good, can you even imagine how awesome i'll look with some discipline??  you don't even KNOW how good i'll look!  lock up your daughters!!

(i'm not going to worry about the guys, if they want to be fat and hairy that's their problem - you women will sex them up anyway.)

here is that article: http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/08/10/mila-kunis-if-youre-not-losing-weight-you-must-not-want-to/ 

NYMWARS

google it, its a word - NYMWARS

its an issue on the internet superhighway these days, with growing intensity… and it all surrounds your name.

basically, more and more internet based services are requiring users to use their real names, and some believe this is wrong and causes undue safety risk. not just personal safety, but reputation safety.

WAIT - which one of you morons is stupid enough to publish your personal information and location publicly online without understanding the risks? and why haven't you learned ways to secure it? i use many online social networking and web services, and you don't see me publishing my SSN or passwords or details on when i'll be leaving my home empty and unlocked to anyone. other information which on some level could be used to put together some kind of crime against me that i do put online is secured! i share that information only with specific people, otherwise its hidden from prying eyes. why isn't everyone doing this?

you wouldn't walk into a bar and announce your personal security info out loud, why would you publish it online? you may tell friends you trust, but you wouldn't just tell random people, right?

the other concern was other people seeing your posts or those of a spouse, and it costing you a job or a relationship with someone you secretly insulted online. ya know, i don't have any sympathy for anyone who's not proud of their views and enables others by speaking the truth about them but not to them.

so, my vote in the NYMWARS - don't be stupid, and this won't be a problem… stand by what you have to say, and use your real name!

fight the good fight, by just not fighting

i'm tired of the fighting... divorcing couples, conflicting schedules, laziness, social neediness... in the end, lots of fighting.

and all these people are so important (in their own minds) that they have to fight because they KNOW they are right!

now, i'm not saying people have to agree, in fact, i think a good debate is the reason the USA is the best place on the planet. being able to argue different points of an argument or opinion is a key to intellect... being able to do it without taking it personally is a sign of truly being an adult.

so disagree, debate it, give each other shit for it all day long... but then agree to disagree. sometimes you people take things so personally and get so childish about your poor injured ego that you dont realize how big an ass you're making of yourself.

and worse, some of you are so full of yourself that you can not imagine how everyone else is so rude as to think you could be wrong. what? really? everyone else is wrong? you are the ONLY person who's right? these people usually are the ones who just avoid, selling the story that they are better than lowering themselves to those who disagree. they run from the fight claiming maturity and wisdom, when in reality, they're unable to smile and agree to disagree, so they flee.

my, aren't you a find?

either you are so immature that your fragile ego can't handle it, or you're crazy.

what's wrong with you that you're so emotional that you can't laugh at yourself, let go of other people's views as their problem, and just get along.

boo hoo poor you. someday i hope i can be so intelligent and secure with myself that i need to fight or flee.

and people wonder why i'm single.

what's your excuse for living a lie?

i just spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend of mine in california who i havent talked to in a long time.  i enjoyed it because it gave me reason to walk randomly around the neighborhood and get some exercise while keeping my mind busy with a good conversation.  and of course, it was good to reconnect with her.

we covered a lot of issues in life, mainly the social ones, life, love, friendship, etc.  and really a relationship and a friendship lost.  in the end, it was a discussion of truth, and if people ever sit back and face the truth in themselves, or if they don't even acknowledge the lies.

if someone claims love, but doesn't understand it, is it a lie?  if they want it to be true, does that make it true?

in the end, we are all living our lives.  in the very end will the history that is each one of us.

its 3am and i am awake but thankfully tired.  i will try to get up for 8am mass and hopefully work out tomorrow.  my last few months have been a quandary of slow stagnate living and excuses.  i am unmarried, i have no children.  i am broke but fiscally conservative.  i am straight but socially liberal.  i don't go to mass on sundays but catholic.  i am educated but unemployed.  i believe in sexual freedom but opposed abortion.  i believe in family but don't want one any time soon.  i like the company of a woman but don't have a history of serious relationships.  i know what i want, but often hate to make choices.

everyone is a grey area in life and views and history and plenty of change.  i used to be fatter and thinner.  i used to have a job.  i used to work out more.  i used to be in a bad relationship.  i used to have a great girlfriend.  i used to party more.  i used to not smoke.  i used to go out with my friends more.

change happens, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.  but do we embrace who we are?

sure, we like to embrace our good points - 'im a lawyer' or 'im on the board'.  and sometimes we try to embrace the things we think we should be proud of, which other people may not think are important  - 'im a type a woman' or 'im going out with a surgeon'.

but do we embrace the parts of ourselves which are flaws?  can we be proud of being a smoker in the past, or a recovering addict, or gaining weight and being too lazy to work it off?  can we be proud of things which some may look down on?  can we be proud of being gay or bisexual or having such tendencies?  can we be proud of having one or many abortions?  can we be proud of stints in jail or failed marriages abuse given or received?

for the last few weeks, the weather has been awesome... and i've been spending most of my free time in bed.  i don't know whats happened in the last few months, i have work to do and a house to clean, and a gym to visit.... but that's what i've been doing.

for the last few months i've been sleeping with a woman who is gorgeous, and in a relationship with someone else.  i don't hide any of it, i will tell anyone the story, but i know on some level that its wrong and my only 'excuse' is the fact that i should get a pass for not hiding anything.  on some level, its still wrong... but that's what (or really, who) i've been doing.

for the last few years i've been holding my life hostage to a dream, and its a dream that most people see as impossible that will require a great deal of effort on my part... that lately i've not been putting in.

for my entire life i've known a large group of people, and have held what most would consider to be a large circle of friends, but really, they're all a mess for their own reasons.

first and foremost, most of them probably can't lay out their truths for the public to see, they can't be proud of themselves.  and in the end, if they're caught in the reality that is themselves they get angry.  they avoid.  they change the subject.  they ignore it.  they get defensive.  they detag their fat pictures and act like they never dated that person or smoked that cigarette or acted in an embarrassing way.

so, can you stand naked?  are you willing to be yourself?  can you be someone who has same sex thoughts or slept with that fatty or smoked whatever you smoked?

how much of a person are you if you lead a perfect image now, but can't be true to who you really were then or are now?  and what's your excuse for hiding?  don't want your kids to know you smoked?  don't want your parents or coworkers to know you're gay?  don't want your friends to give you a hard time for something which in the end will be completely trivial... but you just can't handle it because... you're just that weak?

so after you read all of this - just do one thing!  simple ask yourself if you are really proud of your life!  if EVERY detail of your life and the way you live and your thoughts were published for the whole world, pope, parents, and peers to read - would you be ok with it?

i can safely say that i have not led a perfect life - something many will say... but i'm ok with every aspect of it being published.  are you?  if not, you're not really proud of your life or some aspect of it, and unless you're just not mentioning it, you may be covering it up.  a lie.  its dishonest.  of course, you won't want to be called dishonest because that will tarnish your image.  and you have a good reason, right?

so, what's your excuse.

why is it that so many perfect people will stand and say that others should never lie, then they hide so many aspect of themselves and their lives?

ladies call us women

so last night, Spoon and i went to an event for St. Cecilia's parish.  it was a great event at a nearby prep school where my mother bid on and won a basket of baby items for a friend of mine.  the parish is making a name for itself because it is riddled with poverty and was facing closure but has managed to turn their school into a place where nearly 100% of their students go on to private prep schools.  they do it, and some of their books are older than their students.  its an amazing thing.

it saddens me a little that some of these students are using books older than them, and an entire class of students can be given new books for a few thousand dollars - books that can be reused for years of students to come... yet, the people in my world choose to spend their money on new cars and hottubs.  but, to each their own i guess, it would be refreshing to think some of them would randomly show up at the doorstep of this school and just hand them a wad of cash and leave.

the event ended early, and i had a group of friends forming downtown that were heavily requesting my presence.  spoon changed and we went downtown.  we arrived at a little bar where a gal i know (Jenn) serves up drinks, and it seemed some of the people i knew there had been drinking for a while.  we were of course warmly received and the night moved on, but somewhere in the mix Jenn asked me what the new drama in my little crew was, and why...

i couldn't really explain it, again.  not in a way that seemed to make sense.  the conversation continued off and on while she giggled at us all, and laughed at how my guys, the 'men' in my world were really just forever a group of girls.  at each turn she made the point over and over again, and over time it got worse as comparisons were made to make the drama seem nearly Kardashian, and as others joined in the conversation the sexuality of some were again pointed out to be a lie.

and sadly, some of what she was pointing out had become normal for me.  the childish actions, the possessiveness, the sadly weak egos and insecurity that caused some of them to lash out or separate themselves alone or in groups.  and worse, as we age there seem to be some who use being an 'adult' as an excuse to do the same things they have done all along.  they peacock themselves and refuse to relax, but yet, the drama continues... they just can't relax and let go.

she laughed, she pointed out how some of them are embarrassed by their lives and disappear, or hide in what they think are valiant efforts only to appear odd or awkward or sexually confused or socially inept.  she pointed out the most successful were just as big a mess or worse than the ones who were practically homeless.  she laughed more and pointed out the ones who were obviously single by choice, and the ones who were single because they were never wrong or probably sexually confused, and examples of their resistance to change or women.  and worse, it was all facts.

i couldn't deny any of it.

so.... while i had a great night, with my beautiful gal and did a good thing, and saw great people... i was reminded that the people in my world are a mess.  and separating myself from them doesn't change them or me.  and as each of the ones who were there swung in and out of the conversation and briefly chimed in, they all agreed, they all pointed the same fingers, they all giggled at those standing just feet away at how bad they were.

i'm starting to realize that i should just accept, and unless they want to throw anger or problems at me, i'm just going to live and be happy with them while i work on myself.  because unlike them, i want to embrace the fact that i'm not perfect, i'm very flawed, and i can be better.

the first step will be improving my ability to accept the reality of me.

what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.

a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.

then - its gone. like the swing i was in.

my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.

ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.

i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.

and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.

unrecognized...

last night, a friend of mine who's in town asked me to meet him out. we went to a nearby bar and met another friend - the two of them had decided to group up with a few others and were doing a weight loss competition.

as the discussion progressed, the questions were raised of 'who is fat' vs 'who is out of shape' and when weight gain made a difference at all.

eventually, i brought out one of my headshots, claiming that i was way huge compared to how i should look... my friend thought i was crazy, and that i still looked the same.

then the waitress came to the table, my friend grabbed my phone, clearly displaying my headshot on its large color screen and asked her who was in the picture - i was sitting right there, and she DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME!!

so... i got LA out of the way, and last weekend was the big 3 bday party weekend hurdle i had to clear. in 5 days my weight loss buddy heads to Africa for two weeks. she will be in the desert surrounded by foods she wont want to eat - its kind of an unfair advantage. i can only hope that she catches some trips to an international mcdonald's in an effort to avoid eating roasted platypus. either way, she's already gorgeous, and she's going to come back tan and less a lot of water weight.

this is all a sign, i need to make sure that when she gets off that plane from her trip she sees a difference. its a perfect opportunity to have someone who may not notice a gradual weight loss notice it since she's paying attention anyway - but will be gone for 2 weeks. i keep doing little things that work against me that, thinking that 1 Coke won't make a difference, or that a few days away from the gym I can make up for - and then don't.

i have got to stop letting the little things in life derail my larger goals, we all do.

the gentle knock...

i'm in LA... i'm at the Chateau Marmont on the pool desk with my MacBook Air, laying in the sun, its 75' and barely a cloud in the sky...

really, i'm only here by the grace of God and my friend Matt.  he has a client out here that calls on him often, very often, so often that the client knows he's being difficult so he tells Matt to come out here and bring a friend and stay here.  so my broke unemployed actor self gets to come and stay in this the quintessential Hollywood residence a couple times a year.

and on this trip, things got interesting...

first, we got here and i went to the front desk to check in.  Matt had left his phone in the car so i was the only one standing there and i was handed a letter.  the letter was an apology because the hotel was going to be hosting a party for Paramount Pictures that would consume the bar and restaurant during our stay.  however, to make up for the inconvenience, Paramount was extending an invitation to all the hotel guests to join the party.... and, awesome.

then, before matt's client meeting the client called and hurl was in the shower.  i answered.  when matt got to the meeting the client commented on how good it was that he brings a friend to keep from getting bored - and then mentioned his upcoming trip to China, and said we should join him for that... oh, and Cannes he has to go there too and doesn't want to... he's just going to get bored at these things, having his business advisor there would help, and another dude to keep things lively would be all the better.

woah - in the span of 36hours i've been included in a premier studio party celebrating the Golden Globes, a trip to the China for their up & coming film festival, and a trip to France for the Cannes Film Festival.  you can't tell because of the way i have myself seated, but flaming kittens are about to fire out of my ass!

ironically, in my year to clean up and fly right, i can't find a date to save my life for this party.  i know three gorgeous actresses in town, all three have plans... the woman i'd ask back home has zero desire to be in LA (and much less an industry event), and the two women i know in town have barely even acknowledged my presence here via comments online much less contacted me to see what's going on.  i was however lucky enough to strike up a conversation at a local pizza place with a rather attractive law student who claimed she wanted to go... however she works two jobs, and wasn't sure if she could bail early... we will see.

i've been good this year, my year of growth.  i haven't acted the fool, havent had reason to vomit or be asked to put my clothes back on, been waking up alone, so on... i'm being a grown up.  however, while i feel better, it sometimes feels limiting and lonely.

oh well, in 5 hours is the party, in 3 months are the trips.  well, really life is the trip, isn't it?

My Marital Resume

a friend of mine and i were talking tonight about what i discuss with women about marriage... really?  i just make conversation, i dont have anything to hide - but he's of the belief that some of this can be misinterpreted.  he suggested i just get it all on paper... i have a business resume, i have an acting resume, so why not have a marriage resume?

i'm in no rush to get married... but the idea is amusing.

when i asked what should be on a 'marial resume' he replied by asking me what i wanted in a wife.

- be attractive (to me), and willing to stay attractive (to me)
- dont be a dumbass
- make the relationship the important thing, not babies or paychecks or a lifestyle... and this seems to be the problem really.  i'm not opposed to wanting these things, i'm opposed to it being a deciding factor in a relationship, i mean, what if someone can't have kids, or gets fired?

really, its that simple.  don't be interested in me because you're dying to have kids, don't be some flake, and realize that i'm marrying you for who you are that day and all i think you can be... if you spend all your time working out just to get a ring, you're kinda missing the point.

apparently this wasn't acceptable, because even under those guidelines there are so many little details that women will consider... and these details i am supposed to answer.  so, here we go:

Richard J. Valenta
Bachelor

OBJECTIVE
To have a life of happiness

EXPERIENCE
I have met and known many people, I have traveled to some of the world's nicest places and some of the world's biggest shitholes, I think I'm a good conversationalist, I am fun.

HEALTH
I have allergies, otherwise I have no health issues.

EDUCATION
I have an MBA emphasized in Finance, a Bachelor of Science majored in business and minored in accounting.  I have also completed the Second City curriculum in Improvisation and Acting, as well as courses at Piven Theater Workshop, and COCA.

EMPLOYMENT
I am actor... though lately its been hard to pay the bills that way and I also work as a freelance IT and Business consultant.

RELIGION
Roman Catholic

POLITICS
Fiscal Conservative and Social Moderate.

HABITS
I drink socially, I smoke, I don't do drugs... I try to workout fairly often, but only because I want to look good naked.

FAMILY
I come from a basic family, still married parents, 1 sister.  My mother is 1 of 17, so I know what its like to have a big family.  I have often been referred to as a 'good son'... this is apparently something women like to know.

KIDS
I have no children, I am not opposed to children... but I don't think a relationship should start or continue because people want or have kids.

HOBBIES
Electronics & computers.

HOME SKILLS
I'm handy around the house, I've installed my own appliances and worked on my own car.  I know how to clean.  All of this doesn't mean I do it often now, or don't know when it's better to call in a professional.

PUBLIC SKILLS
While around the house I prefer to be laid back, I clean up well and know how to behave well under almost any circumstance.  I'm also a big fan of direction in case the people with me are nervous.


...really, what else is there?

fans and friends

i went to the lake one morning, and made my usual check-ins from Foursquare and with it Twitter and Facebook.  and in that a handful of people started to make the usual comments about my life...  "enjoy your play time" and "must be nice" and so on.

i get that a lot, people make comments which at times seem encouraging and at other times seem like a cross between jealousy and an effort to be involved so they can watch.  this kinda bothered me.

i have a lot of people in my life, and i don't expect to see or talk to all of them often, but from a few i realized i ONLY heard from them at moments like this, our friendship was arm's length it seemed, but they felt they could comment away as if they still knew me well enough to do so.  the tweets started flying, and when i thought about it, the only person who i thought really knew me well enough on twitter to say these things wasn't commenting at all, but she had made comments like these in the past... and now couldn't, or wouldn't, because of reasons i can only suspect which in the end have landed us only able to be friends behind the scenes.

i was back on the road, and it hit me - while her reasons were kinda sad, overall a lot of these people were similar in that they liked the idea of my being their friend, but not really, they just liked having me out there at arm's length for whatever reason, and hoped i would keep myself there so they didn't have to put any effort in.  they were too busy, someone like me wouldn't understand, they had jobs and kids and other things to maintain.

really, its the maintenance of their illusion which is key.  i know plenty of people jobs and kids and active lives who manage to keep themselves rather social, but the people of that day... seem to not be able to do that, nor could they admit as to why.  let's face it, its embarrassing to say that you can't or won't reach out to others because of some situation you should be able to control.  you control what you do with your life, you control if your kids are well behaved, you control if your spouse can't trust you, you control your own views.

i was annoyed, and this has annoyed me before.  so i said it publicly, i tweeted back to all who were apparently listening that their responses  would be proven wrong, that i would turn myself around, put a 3 hour drive of effort in and come back to see who wanted to really get out and be social.  i didnt expect parents to show up, last minute sitters are hard to find... and i didnt expect someone to be there if they were scheduled to work somehow that night... and really, i didn't expect any of them to show up at all.

none of them responded.  as usual, people who like to make claims of maturity and proper behaviour tend to get really quiet when they are put to any social test, it seems the two are not compatible.  i'm starting to think such claims are really more defensive claims for the nervous panic the feel in the face of insecurity.

and then, i got home - i was headed to Pi in the Central West End, I made it publicly known....

i spent the first part of my night with Allyson and Christina, both gorgeous and professional.  Allyson is the founder and managing editor of Sauce Magazine as well as having her own media company, she's very busy... but she made it... and, she wanted me to contact her about some things and I totally dropped the ball until today, so I hope she forgives me.  Christina is an attorney, has her own boutique civil litigation firm, also very busy, and she also made it.  we were outside and tried to take pictures of power lines... with little success.  Maggie was there with her husband Alex, though they didn't bring their toddler but they wanted to get out and see people i assume.  Maggie does freelance work on top of being a mom and Alex is a rising star at Express Scripts, one of those guys who's been assigned not one but two cell phones because he's always working.  They both made it.

Amber was the star of the night, in town from LA for a week and i was happy to see her, and happy she reached out to me online.  I'm sure she has a lot to take care of while she's here since she's not been in town for nearly a year, but she made it.  Casee had just started back to school, she's a teacher, and under the pressure of meetings and planning sessions and so on, she made it.

we were outside, the weather wasn't too bad actually, and from the distance i saw a tall stunning beauty approaching - it was Erica.  she WAS scheduled to work that night as a reporter for our local CBS station - and did, a MU J-School grad, very well put together and proper, and on a set schedule.  But, she made it.

after a few hours, a few people had to leave, it was getting late and people did have to work and deal with children and it was 11pm.  i was left with Amber, Erica, and Casee.  we all made our way over to Mandarin where the ladies danced and i did my poor impersonation of dancing.  we sat outside on their third floor patio and met new people and had many laughs.  it wasn't a crazy night, it was a good night, and it wasn't a late night really.

one of them asked me what the story was with my attitude on people, and i attempted to explain how i had plenty of friends who i didn't really go out with but i talked to often, who would eventually make time for dinner or pick up a phone and call to check in.... and then there were others who just seemed to wait around for me to reach out to them or make the periodic comments on my life.

"well, they find you entertaining" it was explained to me.  and maybe they do.  after all, a lot of the people i was tweeting with have lives which are laced with settling down and settling on life and lots of talk but not a lot of effort.  i mentioned this, and pointed out how very lacking my effort is in life, and how i wished i put in a lot more at times.  "but you do, and you don't follow the plain and normal, which is why you are entertaining" i was handed back.

great, i'm entertaining, and i know a lot of people who don't seem to want to be around me a lot.  "well, they cant do what you do, they have lives and with it the mental blocks which created those lives, which is why they are fans of people who live like you".

ok, this sounds horrific, i've been told many times that people live through me - live through me!  my life is a mess!  none of the people i know would trade lives with me!  "and, really they can't, its not in them".

this still doesn't answer why they couldn't pick up a phone and call... i was driving back, they were all leaving work, i said it publicly that i wanted to hear from them.  why didn't they call or tweet or show up?  they act like they are my friends, what's the problem?

"well, maybe they're just your fans"

and in that, for the first time I truly realized how a person could be lonely at the top, how a person could be the most popular and miserable, how a person could be a star and have everything, and be depressed.

luckily, i am not one of those people.

each day a little crazier

remember when life was simple?

this kid my niece hangs out with told me his parents were being really mean to him because they cut him off from his computer. he's 15, and he's thinking of moving out. really?

i remember a time when my friends and i could get by on $30 worth of beer and gas for a long weekend, when we didn't worry about oil spills, credit ratings, car payments, or how we compared to our neighbors. when men weren't in a rush to have the best to show off, and women weren't in a rush to tie on to the man who had the best. when a good night could be had at nearly any location at any time of year, as long as you were with the right people.

i had one friend then who was wound really tight - ironically, he's the one who's generally most relaxed in my world now. now i have people who are so insistent on their pride that they are willing to do away with their entire group of friends to make a point, i know women who so want to fit in with their friends that they'll marry someone they're not that in to, i know men who will spend any amount of money to be a big deal... even if they don't have it, and haven't almost a million times over.

but again, i can't be the only one right - so maybe i'm the one who's wrong here. for what its worth, i do love them all. on some level, i know most of them will still be there for me, they still call to see how things are going if they havent seen me in person in a while, they still ask about my family and my dreams. not all of course, everyone knows someone who doesn't invest in others - they will claim they do, but they can give it up easily, so really, they didn't. my friends are those who invest, and wonder, and hope, and reach out.

i have the greatest friends in the world.

i don't

a friend of mine shared an article with me from Newsweek:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/06/11/i-don-t.html

shocking - the details in black & white. and worst of all, i'm not even someone who opposes marriage i'm all for marriage contrary to what people may assume from my behaviour.

my problem with marriage, it's what makes the modern marriage. it's the ego problems and insecurity and jealousy and immaturity that cause problems for people that lead to (according to the article) SIXTY PERCENT of married people having sex with someone else - that, on top of the better than 50% divorce rate the CDC found (sited in a previous blog).

from there, its the reasons why people get married. i've recently had someone tell me they were marrying someone because the two of them had both discussed where they were in life, and they were both in a place to marry, so they would marry each other. what? not that they were dying to spend the rest of their lives with each other - they just both wanted to be married. yeah... that's dedication.... what happens when one of them decides they don't want to be married anymore - or worse, when one decides they just don't want to be married to that other person and have that person around every single day all day for the REST OF TIME... hmm... fail.

it's hard enough for people who are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives committed to one person in particular to be around that person all the time, how are you going to do it when that person isn't the reason for the commitment?

and from there the independence, the life you want vs what they want, the little details where ego and views weigh in. where little things like the guy getting lazy and the woman putting on weight cause people who seemed SO dedicated to suddenly secretly claim to their friends that they're going to bail if things reach a certain point.

of course, there are the paranoid - the ticking clocks, one quoted as saying that a woman over 40 is more likely to get killed by a terrorist than get married. i'm not sure which of those two is the worse option... i mean really, with life expectancies high, do you want to be trapped into a marriage for marriage's sake for FORTY years? thats a lot of complaining and anguish and inability to go out and get a break with your friends because the other people are insecure.

over the last few months, not 1 but SIX women in my life got engaged. My sister, my cousin, my ex, my friend, and another ex... and another friend. Two of those women had been with the guy for years and had basically resolved to stay with them forever with or without the ring without concern for having children with that person or not. Two of them are getting married for marriage sake (tick tock!). One is a woman in her mid 20's who has been with the same guy for years, and one is a woman in her mid 20's who had been dating her guy for a couple months.

we're all smart enough here to do the math and figure out where each of these is going to fall in the 60%/50%+ mish-mash. the numbers are clear, however, i'm betting they all think they're part of a pure sample set of bliss.

as the article recognizes, the feminist movement can be blamed for a lot of the problems facing marriage today. i actually think feminism on some level is a good thing, i really think women can and should be seen as equals. however, no relationship is ever purely equal, its a fact of basic life & psychology, eventually, someone has to have the upper hand and the other being has to deal with it. in that somewhere is compromise.

but that doesn't seem to be the norm anymore. everyone needs their status or their ego or to fit in with the other soccer moms and partying execs or whatever group they spend their time with.

on some level, its ironic, that in the search for independence there's still a rush to be with someone. how about we all chill out until we find someone we just want to be with - and then just be with them? the marriage, for all its excitement, is really just a one day event probably ruined when a drunken groomsman accidentally mentions the groom's ex in a toast. who cares about a party? Life isn't measured in breaths, but by the moments that take your breath away... and those are going to be hard to come by without someone really special.

get your tech p2

ok... so, now you've created your account with Google, this part is a must...

and, hopefully you got one with a decent user ID, you have a decent computer, and you have a smartphone of some kind (Blackberry, iPhone, Android). maybe, you also setup an account with Yahoo!

now, let's get involved... we're going to cover two ideas from this point: finding others, and communication. why find others? let's say there are 2 kinds of people to find: those you already know or knew... and those who may have information you need.

people you already know or knew: a few years ago my mother (who is one of 13 sisters) was talking about her wedding, and i asked who was her maid of honor back in 1967. in the end, it wasn't her sister, in fact it was a woman who she was great friends with, but who moved away when her husband was transferred. back in the 1970's and even the 80's people lost touch - phone calls from one side of a county were long distance and expensive, now they are free across the countRy. so, they lost touch... enter, super-son.

with a little knowledge (last thought to be living in DC, and the name of her husband), i hit the search engines, anywho, and so forth - and i found her. days later they were on the phone laughing and talking about the children and grandchildren and catching up. sadly, mom's maid of honor died a few years later, but she was so happy to again have the chance to catch up.

now, mom is 76 years old, her situation is somewhat of a challenge. however, anyone under born after 1970 (and in many cases, 1950), is going to be more active normally. so, let's think about who you may want to find. for me, it was two women i dated, one was easily found, the other a little more of a challenge.

the first gal moved home to go back to school in Virginia, i had an email address and an old phone number, IM info, a location... and the rumor that she got married, but really hadn't spoken to her in nearly a decade. Enter Facebook. It was with Facebook that I was able to contact her and not go through the odd awkward contacting her parents or possibly calling and getting a husband on the phone. we have now caught up! she is married to a guy who seems to be a really cool dude and they have two kids. after finding each other we email or tweet back and forth publicly... I make this point to show that while I can understand wanting to avoid the awkward call to an ex, there were no secret conversations after contact was made. We email, tweet publicly, I post to her blog, and if we lived in the same town I'd even hope to meet for dinners or lunches with him knowing. I don't expect people to use the internet for shady connections.

the second gal moved across the country after high school, she's the one who caused this series of blog entries. i had next to nothing, i wasn't even sure where she was - PLUS, her last name while far from complex, was also often misspelled, but kinda common. in that, i found a few people with her name - with both spellings - but none were her. Enter Facebook, again. Her brother i found through a chain of people, and I emailed him asking for her contact information - but he didn't reply. he did however, pass the message along that i was looking for her, and that's really the key. remember - some people may not want to be found! and, their reasons may be shady, but people have the right to live their lives however they want... just like its up to you to decide if you'll keep talking to them if you realize they are doing it secretly.

so... for people born after 1970 - Facebook is key. other valuable tools, sites like anywho.com... and think about he person in question & what they may be involved with. in my mom's case, all i had was some names and a 30 year old location, but the first friend i found has an online blog with her married name all over it, plus she's part of her college alumni club, and had other involvements that gave her a presence online.

and this brings up the real point of all this - getting involved. if you're this far along, you have your Google account, and you may have used that gmail address to sign up for Facebook and Twitter. HEY - just because you sign up doesn't mean you have to check in every day, some people check in monthly, but why not? be proud of your life!

i know a gal who gets all worked up if the men she's dating don't change their relationship info on social sites like Facebook, now she's engaged, but there are no pics of her and the guy online, and no mention of it on her page (isn't she proud?). she will say its unimportant and that she has better things to do than waste the 45 seconds it would take to show off her most recent accomplishment, after all, the dog she got made it, but apparently the engagement isn't an important life detail - but it certainly was important when she was looking at the pages of the men she was dating. people want to know, and most people should be proud of their lives. put up pics of yourself, show people how you've barely aged, the dog you've had since it was a puppy, your kids, and so on. don't be shady like the woman i mention here, if you're going to get involved - get involved, you don't have to tell your life story with dental records, but cover the basics and be proud of your life - someone may be looking for you too!

which brings us to the second part - communication! there is first and foremost, email. but also you can email within sites: Facebook and some bulletin boards have email systems within themselves, in fact, you will often be notified via email, when you have email on one of those systems.

then, there's 'chat', also known as 'instant messaging'. this is a system where a window opens and you type in it, whatever you type in gets sent to the other person and pops up on their screen instantly. in my experience the Yahoo! Messenger system seems to be the one most commonly used, and since you may have gotten an account with Yahoo!, you would have the ability to use that system already, you just need to download and install Yahoo! Messenger software.

now, you wonder why - well, to talk to people! once you're reconnected with them, you can talk to them! if you reconnect via Facebook its easy, you can talk in real time there - if not, and they have an Instant Messaging system use that. People with Apple computers have AOL's IM system built in with the iChat program - use it!

then lastly Twitter - this one is a little advanced. twitter is where people throw out random thoughts all day and all night, in 140 characters or less. for example, I just tweeted something random about how the heat was killing me. you can tweet anything, and people may reply or not... you can't be concerned about who you're talking to, you're talking to the world. now, you can also 'protect' your tweets, so only your authorized friends can see them. yeah, be that paranoid, because you're close friends didn't know something you should keep to yourself, so you tweeted it to them? either you aren't that close, or you have control issues. Twitter is not the place to discuss the intricate details of your finances or home life. but, it is the place to say, "hoping to travel to this place, anyone recommend a good hotel?". again, like with Facebook, grow up, learn how to handle life, don't rely on the site's security to protect you.... and if you're not relying on the site but your own wisdom to know what to put online - then, leave your tweets public. bear in mind that your reading the tweets of someone you have interest in for their knowledge may apply to you in some way as well.

ok, the heat really is killing me - more to come later... from here we're going to cover sharing media. Be prepared to spend money on a camera if your phone isn't good enough. We're going to share pics of your life online! PS - Chrissy, can't believe you tweeted a link to my blog... god love ya.

get your tech on

Recently I was reconnected with a friend I hadn't spoken to in 15 years - 15 years!

KEB came back into my life with a 2 page handwritten letter, after which we talked on the phone at length. I commented on my inability to find her over the years, especially with the internet... anyone can be found online with enough work: Facebook and Twitter alone can make easy work of finding someone, then there are services like Intelius if you're willing to pay to find people (and do background checks). With those are ways of fine tuning searches if you know where and how to look, professional sites like Plaxo & LinkedIn can provide the same benefit as Facebook, and even sites you wouldn't expect can do so and more. For example, I have nearly 100 albums in Picasa, which does face recognition and links to people in my address book. Anyone in my Picasa could be found and in that, a method to reconnect.

As long as someone isn't the kind of person who hides everything online and goes out of their way to hide what should be unimportant details, you should be able to find something they are involved in and thus a way to reconnect. If not, they're either a paranoid who's probably not very trustworthy, or, they are one of the rare few who have somehow avoided the internet.

KEB was one of the latter. She had an email address, but that was it. She had a laptop, but never learned how to use it well. And, she had a boyfriend she was eager to get rid of who didn't like the idea of their lives being online... shocker, he's a cheater. After years of letting her codependence control what she did with life, she wanted to get on the information superhighway - and into the fast lane. Ironically, her reconnection with me was perfectly timed.

After the last 2 weeks of helping her with this, I thought it would make a good write up. No matter where you stand with the internet, I think these tools can help. I'm going to consider the 'standard' to be Apple's MobileMe service and iLife. It provides online storage, email, web space, blog space, Photo organization and gallery, a calendar for scheduling your life, a contact management system, and mobile connectivity.

First, get a Google account... sign up for Gmail. Even if you have an email account that you've been using for over a decade, sign up with Google. You don't have to use it for the email address - think outside the box - it's not just email we're going for here. Within Google is everything someone could need, email with gmail, webspace with google sites, blog space with blogger.com, a youtube account to share videos, Picasa to organize and share photos, a calendaring system, a contact system, and access from mobile devices via Exchange connectors.

The best part - its free. At this point, you have the infrastructure in place to do almost anything.

I would also recommend getting a Yahoo! account, and use the same name for that that you used for your Gmail account. Why? Its just easier that way. And don't be stupid with your account names - make them something you can use that's short and easy. Examples:

Initials and last name: flast@yahoo.com

Last name and birth year: last81@gmail.com

...and so on.

From here, now we need to know what you have now, and what you want to do.

KEB had a year old laptop and a 5 year old flip phone with a VGA camera. The laptop works, the phone needed to be replaced. I'm a mac guy, and in that I like iPhone. However, as PCs are to Macs, Android is to iPhone - and Android was designed by Google. So find a carrier your like (I would assume your current carrier is good) and see what they have that is Android based... or if you're with AT&T, consider iPhone.

Yes, this will cost you a few hundred dollars and increase your cell phone bill. BUT, some of the newer Android based phones like Nexus1 (AT&T and T-Mobile), Droid Incredible (Verizon) and the EVO 4G (Sprint) are crazy with features. The EVO has and 8mp camera!

Once you have a smartphone, get in sync. Get your computers and your phones connected so they keep their information in 'the cloud'. You should be able to check your email on your computers and your phone, setup your calendars for the same access, and your contacts lists as well. Any changes you make on one device, should be reflected in other devices - because the information isn't kept on the computer or phone, its kept online.

At this point, I'm going to take a break - maybe I'll continue on or I won't... I've been blogging a lot lately because I've had a lot on my mind and find it cathartic. I may have a great day and never come back... but, from here we're going to sign up for various websites, get more equipment, network a little, organize our media, and get life online.

If you're the kind of person who's worried about people knowing too much about you, face the reality that probably, no one really cares, get over yourself and learn to enjoy. If you're worried about criminals and ex-lovers, you have to remember to not let bad people impact you... and do things in general terms and ways. For example: I live in either Kirkwood, Missouri or Elmhurst, Illinois, and as I'm writing this I can tell you that I'll be bouncing between both locations all summer. Does this leave me exposed to stalkers or burglars? No, I haven't given anyone my address, my schedule, or the schedule of those in my life who also come & go from my homes.

From here, when I get back, if I get back, we're going to get on some sites and get around, and then archive life online.

audacity & relationships

"the goal of audacity (questioning) is a balanced mutuality that nurtures all relationships. A relationship that operates in only one direction is not a relationship at all. It is one more form of illusion that causes suffering."

Comparative Religious Ethics

Fasching & Dechant, 2001, Blackwell Publishing LTD

I read this, and I wonder if people question the decisions they make with each other, and their futures. Do people ask, "how will my actions impact another?"?

Or is it, that they don't care?

I say all this, then I realize that the odds are good that most people who would be unable to accept others questioning their actions, are probably not secure & cerebral enough to grasp the depth of the statement.

When a person adopts a pet they really won't pay much attention to, just so they can feel a bond with something, is that fair? When a person takes a job they really don't care about just to get some cash without concern about the work they'll do, is that right? Are decisions that involve others where each person is simply addressing an issue respectful of each other?

I have a friend who's got 2 kids, widowed, and conflicted between settling for a guy who's totally into her though she's not totally into him. A friend of hers who settled to get a ring told her, "if he is a good person, how is that settling?".

I guess that logic makes sense. You get a good person, you will have a good future potentially.

But is it all about solving an objective? Is it fair to take a future from someone who wants it to be something big, when you just want something to address a need? Why not just get a roommate that puts out?

OR - question the system, face the question of why, and face the question of what the future holds... or what you both want it to hold.

So many people are big on their secrets, don't want people to know where they are & what they are doing, what they say online or to other people... kinda makes you wonder what they are hiding. Yes, I really do feel that if you have to hide all that, you're probably not trustworthy, and if your life was opened up there would probably be plenty you did that would be considered disrespectful to others.

And let's face it, no one is willing to take the step back required to come clean.

Because your relationships only go one way - your way. You can say that someone else hired you, you can say that you talk to your lover, you can say that you were qualified to adopt that pet. But, was it all about you?

Ha, I'm that guy everyone thinks little of because I'm too much in the moment. I dunno, maybe I'm the dumbass.

I'm Good Luck Chuck!!

so... what's up with the women in my life getting engaged - tonight Ronda got engaged and set a date! I think they've been together for almost 3 months. Two days ago my sister got engaged, she spent a good chunk of tonight arguing with people about how this wedding will finally be hers because of course she was the victim in her original wedding and didn't get to choose anything. My most recent ex got engaged after what she's calling 5 months, ha, and my cousin has turned her engagement into such a soap opera that I have people in my family going out of their way to NOT go to the wedding.

The best part - none of them want to hear that there's the slightest chance they are wrong... marrying after a few months, or the horrific controls issues, the need to have their party be perfect, the pomp & circumstance, and the bridezilla factor. Really? Awesome.

The irony, today is my parent's 42nd anniversary. Mom told the story tonight of how her marriage wasn't even planned by her, how she wasn't concerned about it all & had originally just wanted a small wedding, she just wanted to spend the rest of her life with my dad. I wonder what the young ladies with their new rings would say about my mother.... until the idea of losing their show and jewelry came up. Oddly, I know they all think of my mother with the highest regard, for now.

My mother doesn't even wear her wedding ring, at 38 I don't remember her wearing it much at all. Recently when I was helping her inventory her home for insurance reasons, she told me the ring had been in storage at a bank for decades. My father, I'm not even sure he has one. Can you imagine just being dedicated to someone without hanging a sign on your hand?

Hmm... if I get married by December, give up the biggest rock and make it a bigger production, bring in all the great photographers I know, pull in all the favors I can with country clubs and whatever else and do everything that's supposed to be done, with the best flowers, and dresses, and tuxes... will they come and see all the love behind it?

After all, that's what it's about right, the love? I wonder how many of these couple would go on forever if they never had rings, never had the big parties, didn't need multiple events showcasing their importance and... How many of them could have friends, how many would make the same decisions, and how many would be honest and true and their relationship would stay solid and secure. Is it the rock, the event and the restrictions that make the love? I mean, if you have to have all the rules and such, is that really the person you want to be with? And if you couldn't make a production of it, would it be the same?

I remember telling a woman once that Gene Simmons was genius with his proclamation of being 'happily unmarried' for twenty-something years. Never strayed, 2 kids, great life. That's awesome, I want a gal who just wants to be with me for the rest of time. Sadly, none of them can say that.

Good God ladies - can you imagine? Just being with someone without the production of it all? Holy crap - no ring to show off to the other ladies so you can show all you've done with your life??

Crazy. Someday, maybe I'll understand what love & marriage means. 7.1 people per 1000 get married in the USA, 3.5 per 1000 will divorce. Your odds of failure are basically 50/50 (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm), worse if you're on a second marriage or the child of divorce. But, at least you get the party and a lot of rules.

I think I'd rather have a best friend than a production or a suitable mate. My current great friends don't limit me, they don't need a party or jewelry, they don't need a lot of reinforcement or care if I hang out with other people, and they'll be there forever. It's too bad I don't want to see them naked.

Congrats ladies! I got my cousin's invite today and I actually look forward to going to the rest of the events as well! For what its worth, I'll be behind you all no matter what happens... even without finding a way to make a big deal of it.

Life's Come Full Circle...

in 1994, a girl kissed me.

i had been working on one of the docks at the Lake of the Ozarks, i had no one to eat with at night, and was lucky enough to find local young ladies to join me. one worked on a dock in the same cove, and we always had a great time. one night, she kissed me - the stones on her! completely bowled me over. gorgeous, so smart, and gutsy.

however, her step father was really protective, and he made his thoughts clear. when she didn't listen, he made life for the family difficult. 11 months later, she called and told me she couldn't see her mother miserable anymore, she had to stop. it crushed me.

life went on, it always does.

in the last month, i had a friend's wife file for divorce - then every relationship i've had in my adult life made a statement in one way or another (as you may have read in a previous post). first, in the span of a week, everyone from the last 10 years showed up... then, in the last week, the 2 from the 90's contacted me. one of them just to make small talk, we're still friends... but she decided on a very different life path some time ago, so we rarely talk. the other, was the girl who kissed me, KEB.

yesterday i went to my parent's house to help them with things as i often do, and there was a letter for me. handwritten, on plain paper, with perfect penmanship and layout, 2 pages of regret for not following her heart 14 years ago, and wonder about where she would be. i was floored.

i'm no prize, in fact, i'm far from it. but she had come to a point in life where she had to know the whereabouts of the 'stranger who knew her so well', where i had gone, and what i had done. she had apparently found me online, she knew a lot of me that can be found, but she felt the need to reach out. after reading the letter i called her and we talked for over an hour, our first words in over a decade.

at one point i mentioned how we split, and before i could finish the statement she said, "I'm sorry".

she had met a man, a sweet man, a good man, and a man she wasn't in love with. they have been together for 11 years. she looked back on the years since she did what her step-father wanted with regret... and told me it was the first of many decisions she was manipulated into, and now her step father was gone, life had taken its course, and she realized she was living in a state of malaise. she owned a house, had a career, they lived together, they had dogs and cats... and their life was at best mechanical. she wanted out. she wanted to restart and make choices for herself and not for others.

she thought back to our conversations, she needed to find me, after 14 years. she lives in another corner of the country, but in the first day we talked for hours.

how many people out there are unhappy like her, because they did what they were supposed to do? because they did what they felt was needed to fit in, or to take the next step? how many of them are unhappy with the chances they never took, the life they never lived, or the adventures they never found?

for some reason, a higher power has brought all my loves back to me, prefaced with a story of love falling apart. what is God trying to tell me? in the recap of them all... one is a miserable corporate climber, one a divorced single mom, one an unmarried single mom, one a married mom with a past she tries to forget, one about to get married after years of hidden secrets, and lastly we're back to square one who like all the rest - did her best to follow the rules, and do everything right. they all on some leveled lived their lives for others, and it made them or may make them miserable.

maybe the solution is to live life for yourself first, but be honest with yourself and others so you can always be there for them. not to rush, know yourself, find yourself first before you try to share your life or give life to another.

then again, by that plan, maybe no one would ever get married.

yeah, the last month has left me feeling loved, unwanted, respected, and unsure - all at the same time. i wish there was a way to tell them all that no matter where they take themselves, i'll always be there for them.

after this last 24 hours, i guess she knows. and that feels great.