i don't want to get anything for Christmas 2011

here's reality - i have everything i need, and more.

could i use some new things?  sure... my computer is old, my clothes aren't perfect, so on, so forth... but everything works and i clean up well, and the reality is that most everyone i know is in the same position.

are you?  do you need anything for Christmas?  are you without clothes?  do you not have enough music to listen to?  do you need yet another iPod or blender or pound of fat on your belly?  will you use that 3 months of gym membership if you haven't been willing to get up and take or walk or find a way to use the stairs during your day?

and what about the people in your world?  do they need another decorative home item?  will another book they will probably never finish improve their life?

in 2011 $8.5billion in diamonds will be taken out of African diamond mines... ironically the same amount needed to cure hunger there.  and here at home, 45million americans are on food stamps... and as much as i love to point the finger at the abuse of that system, even if 75% of them are cheating, there are still a lot of americans going hungry.  think about these facts when you consider all the things you 'need'.

i live a meager life - on purpose - i have access to enough capital to get by very well, and live and awesome life... but i don't have a lot of disposable income.  most of us don't these days.  there was a time when i would blow a few hundred dollars a night on bar tabs, drove a fast german car, hung out with faster women, and spent my time and money carelessly.  i believe i have grown past that, and i let go of the money... but i still have time.  and i do give it.

when i was young, my parents often made us help feed the impoverished during the holidays.  it was more than giving a few cans of food to the church - we actually had to dress well and go into the city and help cook, greet, seat, feed, and clean up after those who didn't have a big meal with family and friends.

it was scary.  it was also one of the rare times i saw my dad come out of his shell, and put on a smile and go out of his way to make those people feel welcome.

imagine how belittling it feels to have to go into a church basement for Christmas dinner.  luckily there was someone like my dad there to welcome people in, wash away their insecurity, and talk with them a while.  i'm sure they will never remember him, but it helped shape the better part of the man i am today.

he also never really wanted anything for Christmas... and why?  he always lived simple, and made a point that he could go out and buy anything he needs or wants.  when i needed a house, he just cut a check... without thinking about the fact that he hadn't updated his wardrobe in 20+ years or bought a new car in my lifetime.  he didn't care about those things.  his friends and family were well, his kids were well fed and educated, his lights on and his belly full...

it a powerful thing to be that down to earth.

as you read this - realize that in our country we have a problem with PET OBESITY, yes, you read that right.  we are feeding our pets so well, that many of them have a weight problem.  we feel that people should get off their asses and work, but fluffy should get the extra yummy fatty treats.  and, it's true, people should get off their asses and work.

but consider ways to help them up which aren't going to conflict with your thoughts.  donating food in cans or in person can feed a lot of families, and donating clothes can help a lot of kids.  give money to a church or some effort you trust - but if you feel giving money blindly fuels the problem focus your efforts into something you think helps... and then think about the $200 gift you want, and realize that for $200 you can buy a lot of good cheap kids clothes and donate it to a shelter, or food for starving animals.

or ask people to give you a Christmas card instead of that $200 gift, and in that card a note mentioning what charity that person chose to get your equivalent donation.  and be happy that for Christmas, you had to do nothing, and yet you made the world a better place.

My Marital Resume

a friend of mine and i were talking tonight about what i discuss with women about marriage... really?  i just make conversation, i dont have anything to hide - but he's of the belief that some of this can be misinterpreted.  he suggested i just get it all on paper... i have a business resume, i have an acting resume, so why not have a marriage resume?

i'm in no rush to get married... but the idea is amusing.

when i asked what should be on a 'marial resume' he replied by asking me what i wanted in a wife.

- be attractive (to me), and willing to stay attractive (to me)
- dont be a dumbass
- make the relationship the important thing, not babies or paychecks or a lifestyle... and this seems to be the problem really.  i'm not opposed to wanting these things, i'm opposed to it being a deciding factor in a relationship, i mean, what if someone can't have kids, or gets fired?

really, its that simple.  don't be interested in me because you're dying to have kids, don't be some flake, and realize that i'm marrying you for who you are that day and all i think you can be... if you spend all your time working out just to get a ring, you're kinda missing the point.

apparently this wasn't acceptable, because even under those guidelines there are so many little details that women will consider... and these details i am supposed to answer.  so, here we go:

Richard J. Valenta
Bachelor

OBJECTIVE
To have a life of happiness

EXPERIENCE
I have met and known many people, I have traveled to some of the world's nicest places and some of the world's biggest shitholes, I think I'm a good conversationalist, I am fun.

HEALTH
I have allergies, otherwise I have no health issues.

EDUCATION
I have an MBA emphasized in Finance, a Bachelor of Science majored in business and minored in accounting.  I have also completed the Second City curriculum in Improvisation and Acting, as well as courses at Piven Theater Workshop, and COCA.

EMPLOYMENT
I am actor... though lately its been hard to pay the bills that way and I also work as a freelance IT and Business consultant.

RELIGION
Roman Catholic

POLITICS
Fiscal Conservative and Social Moderate.

HABITS
I drink socially, I smoke, I don't do drugs... I try to workout fairly often, but only because I want to look good naked.

FAMILY
I come from a basic family, still married parents, 1 sister.  My mother is 1 of 17, so I know what its like to have a big family.  I have often been referred to as a 'good son'... this is apparently something women like to know.

KIDS
I have no children, I am not opposed to children... but I don't think a relationship should start or continue because people want or have kids.

HOBBIES
Electronics & computers.

HOME SKILLS
I'm handy around the house, I've installed my own appliances and worked on my own car.  I know how to clean.  All of this doesn't mean I do it often now, or don't know when it's better to call in a professional.

PUBLIC SKILLS
While around the house I prefer to be laid back, I clean up well and know how to behave well under almost any circumstance.  I'm also a big fan of direction in case the people with me are nervous.


...really, what else is there?

the early storm

I couldn't sleep last night, it was hot and my AC is broken and I'm the type of person who thinks that little things like AC shouldn't bother people.  I mean really, air conditioning is not 'normal' in the world as a whole people, and the thought that some of you simple can't handle life without it kinda makes a lot of you weak.

Of course I say that knowing that it was in some part a factor of my insomnia.  My bedside distractions (MacBook Air, Nexus One, the TV mounted on the end of the bed) were really the majority of the problem, that and all the tea I drank last night.

But now it's Sunday morning.  I was woken early by a weather alert that told me I had to move my old CJ-7 into the garage, and soon it will storm.  I love a good storm, I could sleep for days during a good storm, and yes it has the potential to jar me sometimes with crashing thunder and the loud cracks of flashing lightning - but overall, it awesome because in the end, it's totally worth it.

Also awesome is Alex.  Awesome Alex is a friend of mine who I recently reconnected with after nearly a decade apart.  I often want to refer to her as AA if I send something to her on Twitter, but ironically she's also sober and I know at one point was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous... so I'm afraid she'll misunderstand the reference.  She now has two kids, one is still going through the 'terrible twos' as the other is going to enter soon, and she is doing her best to be a better mom that isn't going to give in to a lot of the more common norms of today.  She's not going to have a nanny, she's not sticking them in daycare, she's not parking them in front of a TV (in fact, she's currently working on giving them as little TV as possible).  She is being hands-on.

I'm not talking about the weirdo moms that don't let their kids do anything, I've seen the pictures, these kids redefine 'active'.  But she's going old-school, she's working with them, she's trying to find new things to do with them instead of turning them over to someone else and letting them sit for hours with a glazed look on their face as they re-watch Toy Story for the 48th time.

And, she's fried!  It's a lot of work being a parent... there's a reason I'm not one.  Sometimes I'll read about her day online and it seems to be bliss, other days, it seems like she's going to pull out her hair.  

When I'm around my friend's kids I'm baffled, I will see them tell the child something and watch them ignore their parents, and there have been times when it's been a situation that could literally get deadly. I want to freak out on the child, but I know it's not my place, so I just sit there and get stressed wanting to yell at them and tell them to listen to their parents! I really have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to parenting, it's really for the better that I'm single in that respect.

I had a hand in raising my two nieces and they both realize that dealing with me is a zero tolerance situation. I have two, the princess & the terrorist. Sarah is the princess, my angel. Now 16 I recently taught her to drive. She isn't as difficult as her nickname would assume, in fact she's just about as easy going and giving as possible. Elizabeth however is another story... she wants to do things on her schedule (if she really wants to do anything at all), and I'm often on her to do as she's told, take care of things, not lose things, etc. Still, they both fry me out at times.

But now they are both teenagers, you can talk to them, they understand logic. They're both beautiful, and if you explain to them what's going on, they can grasp what and why and how things are going to work... and I love being around them.

Like the storm which is causing me to get drowsy as I lay here, it seems that kids are a chance to be amazed and jarred and frightened. But if you take a deep breath, and let yourself relax, the storm can bring you peace, and in the end you're much better off.

So keep your chin up Awesome Alex! I see your TV Challenge as an opportunity for you! On the surface, you're going to be so busy trying to find ways to keep that little boy busy that eventually you may even write a book: '1001 ways to give your toddler a creative outlet and keep them busy that won't destroy your house'... and if you use that title, I want a dedication, if only for irony's sake.

The last 8 years went by in a blink, the next 8 will go by even faster, and you'll miss these days someday... and like waking up after a storm, you know you'll feel better for them. Totally worth it.

i don't

a friend of mine shared an article with me from Newsweek:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/06/11/i-don-t.html

shocking - the details in black & white. and worst of all, i'm not even someone who opposes marriage i'm all for marriage contrary to what people may assume from my behaviour.

my problem with marriage, it's what makes the modern marriage. it's the ego problems and insecurity and jealousy and immaturity that cause problems for people that lead to (according to the article) SIXTY PERCENT of married people having sex with someone else - that, on top of the better than 50% divorce rate the CDC found (sited in a previous blog).

from there, its the reasons why people get married. i've recently had someone tell me they were marrying someone because the two of them had both discussed where they were in life, and they were both in a place to marry, so they would marry each other. what? not that they were dying to spend the rest of their lives with each other - they just both wanted to be married. yeah... that's dedication.... what happens when one of them decides they don't want to be married anymore - or worse, when one decides they just don't want to be married to that other person and have that person around every single day all day for the REST OF TIME... hmm... fail.

it's hard enough for people who are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives committed to one person in particular to be around that person all the time, how are you going to do it when that person isn't the reason for the commitment?

and from there the independence, the life you want vs what they want, the little details where ego and views weigh in. where little things like the guy getting lazy and the woman putting on weight cause people who seemed SO dedicated to suddenly secretly claim to their friends that they're going to bail if things reach a certain point.

of course, there are the paranoid - the ticking clocks, one quoted as saying that a woman over 40 is more likely to get killed by a terrorist than get married. i'm not sure which of those two is the worse option... i mean really, with life expectancies high, do you want to be trapped into a marriage for marriage's sake for FORTY years? thats a lot of complaining and anguish and inability to go out and get a break with your friends because the other people are insecure.

over the last few months, not 1 but SIX women in my life got engaged. My sister, my cousin, my ex, my friend, and another ex... and another friend. Two of those women had been with the guy for years and had basically resolved to stay with them forever with or without the ring without concern for having children with that person or not. Two of them are getting married for marriage sake (tick tock!). One is a woman in her mid 20's who has been with the same guy for years, and one is a woman in her mid 20's who had been dating her guy for a couple months.

we're all smart enough here to do the math and figure out where each of these is going to fall in the 60%/50%+ mish-mash. the numbers are clear, however, i'm betting they all think they're part of a pure sample set of bliss.

as the article recognizes, the feminist movement can be blamed for a lot of the problems facing marriage today. i actually think feminism on some level is a good thing, i really think women can and should be seen as equals. however, no relationship is ever purely equal, its a fact of basic life & psychology, eventually, someone has to have the upper hand and the other being has to deal with it. in that somewhere is compromise.

but that doesn't seem to be the norm anymore. everyone needs their status or their ego or to fit in with the other soccer moms and partying execs or whatever group they spend their time with.

on some level, its ironic, that in the search for independence there's still a rush to be with someone. how about we all chill out until we find someone we just want to be with - and then just be with them? the marriage, for all its excitement, is really just a one day event probably ruined when a drunken groomsman accidentally mentions the groom's ex in a toast. who cares about a party? Life isn't measured in breaths, but by the moments that take your breath away... and those are going to be hard to come by without someone really special.

I'm Good Luck Chuck!!

so... what's up with the women in my life getting engaged - tonight Ronda got engaged and set a date! I think they've been together for almost 3 months. Two days ago my sister got engaged, she spent a good chunk of tonight arguing with people about how this wedding will finally be hers because of course she was the victim in her original wedding and didn't get to choose anything. My most recent ex got engaged after what she's calling 5 months, ha, and my cousin has turned her engagement into such a soap opera that I have people in my family going out of their way to NOT go to the wedding.

The best part - none of them want to hear that there's the slightest chance they are wrong... marrying after a few months, or the horrific controls issues, the need to have their party be perfect, the pomp & circumstance, and the bridezilla factor. Really? Awesome.

The irony, today is my parent's 42nd anniversary. Mom told the story tonight of how her marriage wasn't even planned by her, how she wasn't concerned about it all & had originally just wanted a small wedding, she just wanted to spend the rest of her life with my dad. I wonder what the young ladies with their new rings would say about my mother.... until the idea of losing their show and jewelry came up. Oddly, I know they all think of my mother with the highest regard, for now.

My mother doesn't even wear her wedding ring, at 38 I don't remember her wearing it much at all. Recently when I was helping her inventory her home for insurance reasons, she told me the ring had been in storage at a bank for decades. My father, I'm not even sure he has one. Can you imagine just being dedicated to someone without hanging a sign on your hand?

Hmm... if I get married by December, give up the biggest rock and make it a bigger production, bring in all the great photographers I know, pull in all the favors I can with country clubs and whatever else and do everything that's supposed to be done, with the best flowers, and dresses, and tuxes... will they come and see all the love behind it?

After all, that's what it's about right, the love? I wonder how many of these couple would go on forever if they never had rings, never had the big parties, didn't need multiple events showcasing their importance and... How many of them could have friends, how many would make the same decisions, and how many would be honest and true and their relationship would stay solid and secure. Is it the rock, the event and the restrictions that make the love? I mean, if you have to have all the rules and such, is that really the person you want to be with? And if you couldn't make a production of it, would it be the same?

I remember telling a woman once that Gene Simmons was genius with his proclamation of being 'happily unmarried' for twenty-something years. Never strayed, 2 kids, great life. That's awesome, I want a gal who just wants to be with me for the rest of time. Sadly, none of them can say that.

Good God ladies - can you imagine? Just being with someone without the production of it all? Holy crap - no ring to show off to the other ladies so you can show all you've done with your life??

Crazy. Someday, maybe I'll understand what love & marriage means. 7.1 people per 1000 get married in the USA, 3.5 per 1000 will divorce. Your odds of failure are basically 50/50 (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm), worse if you're on a second marriage or the child of divorce. But, at least you get the party and a lot of rules.

I think I'd rather have a best friend than a production or a suitable mate. My current great friends don't limit me, they don't need a party or jewelry, they don't need a lot of reinforcement or care if I hang out with other people, and they'll be there forever. It's too bad I don't want to see them naked.

Congrats ladies! I got my cousin's invite today and I actually look forward to going to the rest of the events as well! For what its worth, I'll be behind you all no matter what happens... even without finding a way to make a big deal of it.

family tied

This weekend is the Family Picnic for my mom's side... over 700 people. I've been asked to help out early in the morning, and it will be at the family farm so I'm going out there tonight, I'll crash there, get up early, my cousin will say mass, I'll spend all day eating stuff I shouldn't eat... and then I'll probably post the pictures in my WebAlbums, which the world will ignore, much like this blog.

I do love them all, they are so encouraging, and so positive in general.

My cousin however, won't be there this year... she's had to quit her job, and skip all other events because she is planning her wedding in Chicago. She recently asked me to be an usher. Of course, I said yes.

Later I received email sent to me and the other ushers, telling us where to stay and where to rent our tuxes... and that we were paying for everything ourselves. What? In my nearly 20 years of being in many weddings, no one has asked me to cover the tab on their party that they created the expense of. Is it a lot of money, no.... but I'm an actor who's been getting by on side jobs & the support of loved ones, if I wasn't already going to be in Chicago then, I probably wouldn't be able to go, much less cover the tux and the rumored night of drinking I'm hearing she expects her family guys to provide to the non-related members of the wedding party.

So, I told her I was out on the usher job... now I don't even know if I'll get an invitation to the event.

Someday, when I finally take that plunge I want it to be a picnic, where everyone can just hang out. Well, really, I think the idea of the old school Saturday night wedding where all the men have to wear tuxes (even guests) and the women have to be formal is really cool.... maybe a small one like that where no one feels like they're being pushed into an expensive thing (maybe if I could afford to cover all the tux rentals for the guests too), and then a picnic reception party the next day for 1000 of our closest.

I really don't think life has to be so formal, sure at times there are reasons, but I don't see a reason to force that formality on others. And I'm confused by weddings - I hear so often that a wedding is supposed to be this joyous party... but really, has anyone ever been to a formal event that wasn't a wedding? A corporate dinner, or a charity function? They are not joyous.

But, people are people. Confusion and rules and insecurity. OH! and I think I'd want the 'does anyone object' line in my wedding too - seriously, its old school, and I really don't think anyone has the balls to say anything.... plus, it would be totally fun for us to take a second to look out into the crowd and wait - ha.

Hmm... and I'd also want the REALLY old school 'obey' line added back into her vows, because really, I think we all know that whoever she is, she's going to rule my life and it won't matter.