what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.

a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.

then - its gone. like the swing i was in.

my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.

ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.

i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.

and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.

the gentle knock...

i'm in LA... i'm at the Chateau Marmont on the pool desk with my MacBook Air, laying in the sun, its 75' and barely a cloud in the sky...

really, i'm only here by the grace of God and my friend Matt.  he has a client out here that calls on him often, very often, so often that the client knows he's being difficult so he tells Matt to come out here and bring a friend and stay here.  so my broke unemployed actor self gets to come and stay in this the quintessential Hollywood residence a couple times a year.

and on this trip, things got interesting...

first, we got here and i went to the front desk to check in.  Matt had left his phone in the car so i was the only one standing there and i was handed a letter.  the letter was an apology because the hotel was going to be hosting a party for Paramount Pictures that would consume the bar and restaurant during our stay.  however, to make up for the inconvenience, Paramount was extending an invitation to all the hotel guests to join the party.... and, awesome.

then, before matt's client meeting the client called and hurl was in the shower.  i answered.  when matt got to the meeting the client commented on how good it was that he brings a friend to keep from getting bored - and then mentioned his upcoming trip to China, and said we should join him for that... oh, and Cannes he has to go there too and doesn't want to... he's just going to get bored at these things, having his business advisor there would help, and another dude to keep things lively would be all the better.

woah - in the span of 36hours i've been included in a premier studio party celebrating the Golden Globes, a trip to the China for their up & coming film festival, and a trip to France for the Cannes Film Festival.  you can't tell because of the way i have myself seated, but flaming kittens are about to fire out of my ass!

ironically, in my year to clean up and fly right, i can't find a date to save my life for this party.  i know three gorgeous actresses in town, all three have plans... the woman i'd ask back home has zero desire to be in LA (and much less an industry event), and the two women i know in town have barely even acknowledged my presence here via comments online much less contacted me to see what's going on.  i was however lucky enough to strike up a conversation at a local pizza place with a rather attractive law student who claimed she wanted to go... however she works two jobs, and wasn't sure if she could bail early... we will see.

i've been good this year, my year of growth.  i haven't acted the fool, havent had reason to vomit or be asked to put my clothes back on, been waking up alone, so on... i'm being a grown up.  however, while i feel better, it sometimes feels limiting and lonely.

oh well, in 5 hours is the party, in 3 months are the trips.  well, really life is the trip, isn't it?

back in it

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"we're on a mission from god..."

well, it's not that serious, but for me it feels like that at times.

I was sitting at home last night in that odd quandary of knowing I had to do something, and not knowing where to start.  I needed a push... and then it came... "lets just go".

And off we went, with just enough time to throw everything in a bag, some clothes, laptop, spare chargers, some shoes... take a shower... go... don't even stop for food.

Really, I love road trip food - road trips are the best occasions to really try food that you don't have every day.  When you're at home, even a place that's not close but in the same city is something you could goto fairly often, but something out of town, thats an opportunity.

Case in point - Hot Doug's - if you don't know what it is, Google it... I'll see you there in a couple of hours.

Anyway, above you see my plan for today, I'm in Lincoln Park now, and I guess I'm gonna go by foot all over the place to my chosen 7 agencies.  Luckily, 2 are in the same building, though one is a division of Ford Models and while it's the acting division, I'm not holding my breath on that one for a while.

So, the push, the start, I'm here.   There was a devil on my shoulder, the horned & cleft-hoofed embodiment of a woman in sexy attire, a woman I know well in fact.  Well, I think I do, but I don't think anyone does... but she forked me in the shoulder and told me to get off my ass and run with the idea.  I guess tenacity may require a push at times.

8.4miles on foot... really not that big a deal.  Everyone knows how to track me via Latitude or whatever, but send me email or a text if you're willing to reach out to a guy on a mission.  Lord knows I'll have time to reply.

Heat and Headshots

I'm heading to Chicago tomorrow, for what should be the first of many trips and hopefully will start my return to being up there more often than not. However, I'm basically starting over with the auditioning and so on, including possibly returning to Second City. I needed to make sure my headshot and resume were in order.

The resume is easy, add a modeling job and the AT&T job, easy... but then, the

hair... so I headed to Rommie. Rommie is a styling goddess, but there's not much that can be done about reality. Reality is that my hair is very fine... as Dan puts it 'very fine... fine like baby hair'. Whatever, its thin too, and fine + thin means its on its way out. Suzy wants it long to take weight away from my face, so Rommie just cleaned it up, but in the end I just look like a big forehead with a great haircut. Fine, we move on.

Then, the pictures. Rogue had the idea that we just take them ourselves. And why not? I just need one or two, anything current to go with other ones I've taken over the years to show a range of appearance as I edge my way back in. I have to look like the pics, one of them must be relatively current.

So, why not? Rogue's a model, she loves photography, she has a badass camera,

we know how to work both sides of the lens on some level enough so that hopefully if we take a bunch of pics, I can get 1 or 2 decent ones to use, let's do it.

Rogue shows up at my house ready to go, I hit the shower and she's going through my clothes picking out outfits. She came up with roughly 7 of them, perfect, and she had a set of locations in mind, also perfect - let's go.

HOLY CRAP - it was 93' and HOT - topped off with the usual Saint Louis humidity. After 2 hours of attempting to make me look good it was a mess. We only got through 2 outfits and made the decision that we had to find some places inside as soon as possible. I had a client with an office nearby who wouldn't care, so we took some shots there... but the lighting was horrific.

In the end we took around 30 pics - we might maybe have 1 or 2 decent ones after she retouches them. It's so bad out there my hair somehow got all poofy, and I was

sweating through everything in embarrassing ways.

In the end, we made it a couple hours, and we headed back to the house. The only decent pic that came out of the heat was one of Rogue about to pass out while giving Cat attention.

So far at least... she's attempting to do some retouching of the gushing pores on my face right now.

I think I'm going to have to get more tenacious... there was a time when doing all this was all I could think about, it became all I did and now... now I feel like I'm trying to get back in the motions but I'm just tired.

Hopefully, this first trip will remind me of getting back in the swing. I've been helping one of my buddies from Second City with his info & resume lately, I need to take some of my own advice as well. On some level it's exciting me again, after a year and a half of not being up there and now all the interaction I'm having with people and the work that's coming up I'm pumped.

Now, to just make it happen!

Los Angeles January 2009

where do i start?

ok, so we got here, LAX was ass, shnidy’s room had been double booked, and after a few weeks of planning - almost everyone i was going to meet fell through. a good friend of mine basically boiled it down to this: she would do what she could for me, but life in LA between last year’s WGA strike and the looming SAG strike has slowed to a crawl, come out and enjoy it, but don’t move yet. brutal. the arrival was rapidly followed by a headcold, which i chased with some tequila, and by 8pm ended up in bed... um, only to be woken by Shnidy and Enzo to head out to Pasendena.

when the night came to its end, Chris and Enzo left me stumbling through the hotel guards, who eventually were sent by the front desk to watch over me as i slept in the hallway outside my room. eventually they woke Hurl, and i literally crawled past him and to my room and into bed. ‘the gentleman’ slept well, but aggravated his cold, which intensified the hangover.

the only guy to take my planned meeting was Mick at Creative Artists. we made the connection via family, and easily this man has equaled my friend with his words but kind efforts in one conversation. i have to say that while i knew going into the meeting we wouldn’t do any business, he was still a great guy to meet, and his offers to help in the ways he could were nothing short of awesome.

after that meeting, i get back to the hotel to find out that the hotel had given Chris the penthouse suite to make up for their double booking his room the night before. can all the babies say PHAT?

Shnidy (Chris) had come out with Hurl and I so that we could head out to Pasedena and meet some gamer friends we knew on Saturday night. awesome group of guys, and in some ways, not what we expected at all. the personalities in person were even more inviting that we had imagined, great people, and i hope to see them again on my next visit. that night got a touch out of hand, and resulted in my passing out in the car the instant after Chris got in the driver’s seat. luckily, chris used Neverlost and some of his old school instincts to get us back to the hotel. apparently at one point he got completely lost in Beverly Hills in a rented car that took him to the wrong location with me rumored to be dangling out the passenger window. he still got us home, i knew he still had it in him.

again making it past security, this time Chris left me leaning up against the elevators which are disabled after nightfall. ‘the gentleman’ was escorted by his assigned guardians again to his room, and security was kind enough to make sure i had a bottle of water and two glasses on the nightstand in case i woke up and needed refreshment.

seriously, the staff at Chateau Marmont is second to none, especially security.

for our last day we trekked to Malibu for brunch at Geoffry’s overlooking the beach. it was gorgeous... as Chicago and St. Louis froze through a national chill that had left them in the single digits and negative wind-chills, i was in cargo shorts and a loose linen shirt glowing in the mid-day sunny view of the Pacific. i had the seafood paella, which included a scallop the size of a hockey puck.

LAX was even more of a nightmare coming home - for one of the country’s busiest airports, they need to really do something about that single file line nonsense in the American Airlines terminal to get past the security screeners. c’mon people, if we are slowed down like this, the terrorists won.

overall the trip rocked... sure, i didn’t get to meet with most of the people i’d planned on meeting, and actually had to miss some of the people that tried to see me socially - but i’m scheduled to go back at the end of February, see more, do more, and have hopefully as great a time. now... let’s see if we can get that whole ‘entertainment industry slowdown’ issue resolved.

the Luckiest Man on the Planet

This past weekend, I had my last show at Second City, and a group of my friends came up just to see me and celebrate my being on stage...


It wasn’t a huge deal really, it was my final show in my final class of the basic improv program. It was basically the adult improv version of a piano recital. In the past, I’ve had other shows and would get on an early train, go up and do the show, and get on the train home like it was a normal day. But the support was huge for this last show. Subash and Kathy flew in from Pittsburgh, Hurl flew up from St. Louis, and Laura drove up from St. Louis. Kirsten and I joined her, a great old friend Stephanie met us there, and Kirsten put us up for the night so we could enjoy our time there. 2 of my cousins showed up for the show as well, I couldn’t believe all the support. Everyone seemed to have fun, so I’d like to think it was worth everyone’s trip.


We were a 9 person ensemble, and 3 days beforehand we lost 1 of us to a family emergency. The
weather was horrific, and most of us were late to our planned early arrival to rehearse a last minute new plan... which we didn’t have in our hands really until 20 minutes before the show. And of our remaining 8 players, 3 of us, including myself, were sick.


But we still kicked it in the ass and rocked the place. We played, I felt like we hadn’t at first, but after hearing everyone simply start with how they didn’t even have it in them to get up on stage, much less do it all without a script - and then watching the tape and seeing the laughs we got and the creation that occurred, it wasn’t bad at all... in fact, it went very well.


After, we hit the various bars around Second City, my friends took me to a handful of great places, and others joined us. We traveled down Wells and eventually ended up back downtown near our hotel to round off our night of many drinks. That night i think everyone slept well, and the next day we got up and had a great breakfast together after a quick walk across the street in a horrific -3’ wind. Chicago winters... bone chilling. After, the weekend was over, and we made our escape... almost. First, the hotel valets had to have an accident with Laura’s car and cause a few grand in damage. Luckily, two valets hit each other and they admitted it was all their fault, so things should be ok.


As we left, I caught Kirsten on tape, which apparently bothers her...

trying to swing

today i busted my ass to work on a website for a friend and client. they’ve needed the work done for a long time, and the reality of life is that i’m embarrassingly behind financially. i keep this to myself, and no one reads this blog so i have no problem putting it here. its hard to be me and not feel like a joke - i had it all, and i gave it up to chase a dream... and now what do i have? bills piling up, friends who’s careers are going places, a gal who deserves better, parents who luckily have no idea how bad things are for me, and a world of people who think all this is the most impressive thing ever! yeah, impressive, i’m chading the dream, but the truth is that i’m facing this alone because no one else wants to tolerate my life.

so - i’m blogging as somewhat of a diary to myself, and possibly to reach out to anyone out there who wants to chase that life changing dream... and what do i have to tell you?

you’re on your own.

if you’re lucky enough to have people in your life who care a little, be happy, enjoy that time, relish those relationships, but face the reality that everyone out there has their own agenda, and it won’t be long before they remind you that they have to take care of themselves.

now, this doesn’t mean people are bad... its really very simple. people have what they want, what they need, what they can tolerate, and so on. things that are important to you aren’t always going to be important to other people - and even when they are supportive of your attempt to do something, it doesn’t mean they’re willing to do it themselves, or be inconvenienced in any way. i consider myself lucky: today i have work, i have a way to make some green and get a little caught up on some bills. i also have people all planning to come see me in chicago for my last show, laying out time and cash to see me on stage and be supportive. its not everyone i know, and i can’t fault others for not being willing to travel locally much less far away to see me on stage. i’m lucky enough to have a gal in my life who’s willing to stand and cheer for me anywhere, and a handful of friends who are driving and flying just to make an event of my event. but reality is that eventually, there won’t be an audience just for me, there will be a show on the road, a film or commercial shoot where people are happy i’m there to earn them money.

heh, hopefully at least - someday i’m going to have to earn enough so that i can give back to all the great people in my life in a big way. someday i want to take my ‘friend-fans’ on a trip on me to see whatever else they want, and sit in the audience with them. and kirsten deserves even more, she’s been so encouraging and tolerant of my embarrassing life.

so artists & idea people & idealists - run with your dreams, but be confident in yourself and your life. you can NOT take your setbacks personally. if you get shot down at an audition, or denied a grant, or feel like no one is paying attention to your ideas, you just take a step back and figure out why and how to work around it. its you against the world, and be ready for reality - be a fair judge of yourself, and others.

auditions, unions, and making the best of it

today i had my first audition for a paying job in almost 2 months... this town is killing me. i love Saint Louis, but its terribly limited for an actor i’ve learned. there’s no Goodman Theater here, there’s no established production economy here, and as technology developed over the last 20 years, it became completely possible for local companies to produce ads in other cities and have them back here within days.

and for this, the community has suffered. people who want to act and be professional can’t make it here - the effort required doesn’t have the possible local reward. and with this leaves an opening for anyone willing to show up and get the job and take less pay.

and i’m SAG; and i completely support performance unions. but in this case, the unions are wrong. and why? the unions allow producers to hire whoever they want for principal roles, bring them in from wherever, and then (except for cities like NY or LA) they can hire whoever they want for background, stand-in, extra, and cameo roles. the reason being that there isn’t the pool of talent to choose from in the union because the general pool of actors is so small.

however, the rules that the union places on me are GLOBAL. i’m not allowed to take any of these jobs if they are non-union, even if they pay better than union wages. now really, how much sense does that make?

i went SAG because i plan to leave STL to chase bigger and better productions and getting my SAG card in other cities will prove to be a challenge. but in reality, if you’re an actor in St. Louis - who’s planning on staying here, get the card, pay your dues - and go Fi-Core. Until the unions want to put the time and effort into the whole country, its really the only option.

after the audition i went on with my plan to do things that i don’t normally do. and for today, i went to Ted Drewes for some tasty Frozen Custard... mmm... I got myself a mocha something and my dad a small vanilla, it rocked. every town has its unique places to eat that everyone needs to try, and this is on the tops for the STL.

speaking visually, tied rhetorically

this afternoon my coach, the lovely and talented Carrie Houk, sent me an IM asking how i had been lately and encouraging me to go up to Washington University for a showing of the 1993 film “King of the Hill”. and, i must say i enjoyed it a great deal.

it was showing as part of the St. Louis International Film Festival (SLIFF), and included a panel discussion after which i enjoyed a great deal as well.

the film was good, great in fact, and included a lot of fairly well known names of great talent who (at the time) were not known at all. most importantly, it was shot in st. louis and a handful of bit parts were cast to local actors. of course, as most productions go, they cast the key roles out of los angeles without giving anyone in st. louis a chance.

i am DYING for someone to blow some life into recognition of st. louis actors. here i am, planning my escape to LA while spending all my professional time in chicago, without any hope of seeing real work here.

and my lovely union, SAG, is zero help. they’re rules state that i cannot act in any format for a non-union production, but they allow producers to roll into st. louis and produce great films like “King of the Hill” without much restriction on any roles that aren’t lead. my union restricts me, but puts little restriction on producers if the production isn’t in LA or NYC...



sad

ms saigon, and Say(ing) Goodnight

when i got up this morning, i knew i had things it would be nice to accomplish - or wanted to accomplish today. in the end, i spend the majority of my day helping my friend look for work instead of working on websites or acting. i’m banking on a little karma here.

while helping him i was talking to kirsten, and wanted to do something new today like any ohter day, so the decision was made to go to an African restaurant tonight. we made the plans, and then i was reminded that a film i was in would be showing tonight at the St. Louis Film Festival, and Dan assumed i would be there. after she left work, i squeezed in a trip to the gym, got to her house around 7:30pm, and went to the Loop.

upon arriving at Nubia, we saw only one customer inside, but was told that there is some kind of paranoia about places that don’t have any customers. rather than assume we missed the dinner rush, or that it was just a slow night, i was instructed that i could eat there, but i’d be eating alone because kirsten believed that being the only customers of the night would lead the restaurant to poison us. she also made a comment about how she didn't want to be the lone white couple inside. she would be offended that i pointed this out in a public forum, but will probably never read this, and i was offended by her paranoia and her comment, so we’ll call it even.

after this the debate over where we could go attempted to start, but i just told her to decide, i’m don’t fighting the rapidly growing list of rules based on unverified thoughts and paranoias which guide people’s lives. sadly, some day, i’ll also be the ass who wanted to try new things and didnt consider other people’s needs. what? because there’s always a current reference and i love rules? whatever, we end up at ms. saigon.

i’d had vietnamese food before, so it wasn’t the new experience i was aiming for, but i didn’t have to listen to her martyr herself for my thoughtless and life-threatening impulses either. i went out of my way to try something different anyway, ordering seafood & chicken on a bed of flash fried noodles. it was pretty bland, but since i generally don’t like vietnamese food i would have rather have had a tolerable new trial than a repeat of past experiences.

after dinner, we went to the film, and while there ran into my old friend Meredith. ‘Muzzy’ was there with 2 friends, and i think they were taking advantage of time away from the kids, because they’d had a few. during the film they solidly annoyed those around us with regular loud comments and normal volume random conversation... classic.

it was pretty obvious kirsten did not like the film, but it is totally a guy film, full of crass comments, etc. after we joined my friends who had produced the film at blueberry hill for a while, then walked back to the car around 1am in 25’ wind. i know she did want to see the film since i was in it, i can appreciate that, but i’m surprised she was ok hanging out with all these guys she didn't really know. i wouldn’t have. i didn’t get a good read on if kirsten was enjoying the night out with the film guys either, probably not too much. we’ll call us even on the dinner thing i guess.

as the night came to an end, i got email from the guy who’s still angry after 10 years. he’s still carrying his torch... and fine, he gets everything he wants. let’s face it, its not going to make him happy.