i had a great day

i went to a wedding last night, two people i used to work with got married after years together.  spoon went with me, which i appreciate because she tolerates not knowing anyone and she has an odd shy side.  by the end of the night, we were both beat, and she dropped me off at home.

last night i slept like a rock, i love that about life, sleeping is awesome.  i sleep best when my diet is good, when i get up early, when i exercise, when i avoid booze, and when i keep busy during the day... preferably with things that involve movement.  its not really shocking, eating poorly irritates the body in many ways, as does booze, and movement & exercise by nature are tiring.

i didn't drink much last night, i ate properly, drank a lot of water, and got to see a lot of great old friends in person.  really, its the 'in person' aspect of life which defines it, we get so caught up in the image we portray online and all the people we act like we have relationships with.  i'm lucky in that people are hard on me, they say what they think of me in person... and thankfully, it isn't always pleasant.

so today, i got up and announced that i was going to get something to eat.  i got a reply to go to the festival of nations with a few people and we did.  we spent a few hours walking around and trying foreign foods - awesome.  after, we met a few of the guys at a local favorite restaurant.  they all split many pitchers, but i didn't really drink until one of them dropped a beer in front of me assuming i was in a bad mood.

some great conversation spawned from this, talk of life and how people felt and saw things.  more people joined us (some invited and some not), the conversation continued as we sat outside, and after 5 hours a few of us moved on to another location for dinner.

four of us were left, and we had a great dinner.  laughter and more conversation, and jokes about happenings in the past.  we talked about anything from women to cars to investments and dreams.  we talked about plans to travel, plans to get healthier, plans to do more things.  one guy recently dropped his facebook page, so we talked about that... and the impact of people spending too much time online, or being too focused on making it their social life, and one guy who has once again has convinced many of the women that he's gay because of who he follows on twitter, ha (i purposely didn't touch that one, i'm tired of being blamed for people talking about that).

and the food was awesome, simple... not the healthiest, but fitting.  for the day, we had all stuffed ourselves.  everything was out on the table, for the day each one of us had talked about accomplishments and failures, pride and issues of complete embarrassment.  and really, thats where we showed the best part of ourselves... our ability to admit flaws and personal beliefs, and accept it ourselves and in each other and let go.

i dont mean to sound like some kinda weepy extra from Oprah, but there was just no bullshit... it was awesome.  no drama.  basically, it was 'this is me, you all know this is me, if you have anything you're not sure of ask, i'll tell you the truth, and if you don't like it, fuck off, ha'.

and that was a big topic for a while - one of the guys is a major boy scout, he always carries himself well, and while he enjoys the company of persons who act the fool he is big on being 'respectable'... and he's not going to act that way only part of the time, he makes his own decisions - and if someone doesn't like it they can kiss off.  of course, he's got nothing to hide and some would argue they do... but then one could ask, why they have to hide it...

and, in the end, the night wound down, and we went to leave... where we found someone had lost a few boxes of rubber gloves in the street, and each car that drove by popped like it was driving over a sheet of packing material.  we stood and watched and had a laugh and ended our 12 hours out & about to go home.

it was just a good day, it was not planned AT ALL.  it was just a few texts, and a few calls, and the decision that it was better to let go and have a day hanging out with people than laying around at home or keeping to some set of scheduled but unimportant ritual activities.  it just happened.

let life happen people, be yourself, hide nothing, and let life happen.

what's your excuse for living a lie?

i just spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend of mine in california who i havent talked to in a long time.  i enjoyed it because it gave me reason to walk randomly around the neighborhood and get some exercise while keeping my mind busy with a good conversation.  and of course, it was good to reconnect with her.

we covered a lot of issues in life, mainly the social ones, life, love, friendship, etc.  and really a relationship and a friendship lost.  in the end, it was a discussion of truth, and if people ever sit back and face the truth in themselves, or if they don't even acknowledge the lies.

if someone claims love, but doesn't understand it, is it a lie?  if they want it to be true, does that make it true?

in the end, we are all living our lives.  in the very end will the history that is each one of us.

its 3am and i am awake but thankfully tired.  i will try to get up for 8am mass and hopefully work out tomorrow.  my last few months have been a quandary of slow stagnate living and excuses.  i am unmarried, i have no children.  i am broke but fiscally conservative.  i am straight but socially liberal.  i don't go to mass on sundays but catholic.  i am educated but unemployed.  i believe in sexual freedom but opposed abortion.  i believe in family but don't want one any time soon.  i like the company of a woman but don't have a history of serious relationships.  i know what i want, but often hate to make choices.

everyone is a grey area in life and views and history and plenty of change.  i used to be fatter and thinner.  i used to have a job.  i used to work out more.  i used to be in a bad relationship.  i used to have a great girlfriend.  i used to party more.  i used to not smoke.  i used to go out with my friends more.

change happens, sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.  but do we embrace who we are?

sure, we like to embrace our good points - 'im a lawyer' or 'im on the board'.  and sometimes we try to embrace the things we think we should be proud of, which other people may not think are important  - 'im a type a woman' or 'im going out with a surgeon'.

but do we embrace the parts of ourselves which are flaws?  can we be proud of being a smoker in the past, or a recovering addict, or gaining weight and being too lazy to work it off?  can we be proud of things which some may look down on?  can we be proud of being gay or bisexual or having such tendencies?  can we be proud of having one or many abortions?  can we be proud of stints in jail or failed marriages abuse given or received?

for the last few weeks, the weather has been awesome... and i've been spending most of my free time in bed.  i don't know whats happened in the last few months, i have work to do and a house to clean, and a gym to visit.... but that's what i've been doing.

for the last few months i've been sleeping with a woman who is gorgeous, and in a relationship with someone else.  i don't hide any of it, i will tell anyone the story, but i know on some level that its wrong and my only 'excuse' is the fact that i should get a pass for not hiding anything.  on some level, its still wrong... but that's what (or really, who) i've been doing.

for the last few years i've been holding my life hostage to a dream, and its a dream that most people see as impossible that will require a great deal of effort on my part... that lately i've not been putting in.

for my entire life i've known a large group of people, and have held what most would consider to be a large circle of friends, but really, they're all a mess for their own reasons.

first and foremost, most of them probably can't lay out their truths for the public to see, they can't be proud of themselves.  and in the end, if they're caught in the reality that is themselves they get angry.  they avoid.  they change the subject.  they ignore it.  they get defensive.  they detag their fat pictures and act like they never dated that person or smoked that cigarette or acted in an embarrassing way.

so, can you stand naked?  are you willing to be yourself?  can you be someone who has same sex thoughts or slept with that fatty or smoked whatever you smoked?

how much of a person are you if you lead a perfect image now, but can't be true to who you really were then or are now?  and what's your excuse for hiding?  don't want your kids to know you smoked?  don't want your parents or coworkers to know you're gay?  don't want your friends to give you a hard time for something which in the end will be completely trivial... but you just can't handle it because... you're just that weak?

so after you read all of this - just do one thing!  simple ask yourself if you are really proud of your life!  if EVERY detail of your life and the way you live and your thoughts were published for the whole world, pope, parents, and peers to read - would you be ok with it?

i can safely say that i have not led a perfect life - something many will say... but i'm ok with every aspect of it being published.  are you?  if not, you're not really proud of your life or some aspect of it, and unless you're just not mentioning it, you may be covering it up.  a lie.  its dishonest.  of course, you won't want to be called dishonest because that will tarnish your image.  and you have a good reason, right?

so, what's your excuse.

why is it that so many perfect people will stand and say that others should never lie, then they hide so many aspect of themselves and their lives?

trying to swing

today i busted my ass to work on a website for a friend and client. they’ve needed the work done for a long time, and the reality of life is that i’m embarrassingly behind financially. i keep this to myself, and no one reads this blog so i have no problem putting it here. its hard to be me and not feel like a joke - i had it all, and i gave it up to chase a dream... and now what do i have? bills piling up, friends who’s careers are going places, a gal who deserves better, parents who luckily have no idea how bad things are for me, and a world of people who think all this is the most impressive thing ever! yeah, impressive, i’m chading the dream, but the truth is that i’m facing this alone because no one else wants to tolerate my life.

so - i’m blogging as somewhat of a diary to myself, and possibly to reach out to anyone out there who wants to chase that life changing dream... and what do i have to tell you?

you’re on your own.

if you’re lucky enough to have people in your life who care a little, be happy, enjoy that time, relish those relationships, but face the reality that everyone out there has their own agenda, and it won’t be long before they remind you that they have to take care of themselves.

now, this doesn’t mean people are bad... its really very simple. people have what they want, what they need, what they can tolerate, and so on. things that are important to you aren’t always going to be important to other people - and even when they are supportive of your attempt to do something, it doesn’t mean they’re willing to do it themselves, or be inconvenienced in any way. i consider myself lucky: today i have work, i have a way to make some green and get a little caught up on some bills. i also have people all planning to come see me in chicago for my last show, laying out time and cash to see me on stage and be supportive. its not everyone i know, and i can’t fault others for not being willing to travel locally much less far away to see me on stage. i’m lucky enough to have a gal in my life who’s willing to stand and cheer for me anywhere, and a handful of friends who are driving and flying just to make an event of my event. but reality is that eventually, there won’t be an audience just for me, there will be a show on the road, a film or commercial shoot where people are happy i’m there to earn them money.

heh, hopefully at least - someday i’m going to have to earn enough so that i can give back to all the great people in my life in a big way. someday i want to take my ‘friend-fans’ on a trip on me to see whatever else they want, and sit in the audience with them. and kirsten deserves even more, she’s been so encouraging and tolerant of my embarrassing life.

so artists & idea people & idealists - run with your dreams, but be confident in yourself and your life. you can NOT take your setbacks personally. if you get shot down at an audition, or denied a grant, or feel like no one is paying attention to your ideas, you just take a step back and figure out why and how to work around it. its you against the world, and be ready for reality - be a fair judge of yourself, and others.