ladies call us women

so last night, Spoon and i went to an event for St. Cecilia's parish.  it was a great event at a nearby prep school where my mother bid on and won a basket of baby items for a friend of mine.  the parish is making a name for itself because it is riddled with poverty and was facing closure but has managed to turn their school into a place where nearly 100% of their students go on to private prep schools.  they do it, and some of their books are older than their students.  its an amazing thing.

it saddens me a little that some of these students are using books older than them, and an entire class of students can be given new books for a few thousand dollars - books that can be reused for years of students to come... yet, the people in my world choose to spend their money on new cars and hottubs.  but, to each their own i guess, it would be refreshing to think some of them would randomly show up at the doorstep of this school and just hand them a wad of cash and leave.

the event ended early, and i had a group of friends forming downtown that were heavily requesting my presence.  spoon changed and we went downtown.  we arrived at a little bar where a gal i know (Jenn) serves up drinks, and it seemed some of the people i knew there had been drinking for a while.  we were of course warmly received and the night moved on, but somewhere in the mix Jenn asked me what the new drama in my little crew was, and why...

i couldn't really explain it, again.  not in a way that seemed to make sense.  the conversation continued off and on while she giggled at us all, and laughed at how my guys, the 'men' in my world were really just forever a group of girls.  at each turn she made the point over and over again, and over time it got worse as comparisons were made to make the drama seem nearly Kardashian, and as others joined in the conversation the sexuality of some were again pointed out to be a lie.

and sadly, some of what she was pointing out had become normal for me.  the childish actions, the possessiveness, the sadly weak egos and insecurity that caused some of them to lash out or separate themselves alone or in groups.  and worse, as we age there seem to be some who use being an 'adult' as an excuse to do the same things they have done all along.  they peacock themselves and refuse to relax, but yet, the drama continues... they just can't relax and let go.

she laughed, she pointed out how some of them are embarrassed by their lives and disappear, or hide in what they think are valiant efforts only to appear odd or awkward or sexually confused or socially inept.  she pointed out the most successful were just as big a mess or worse than the ones who were practically homeless.  she laughed more and pointed out the ones who were obviously single by choice, and the ones who were single because they were never wrong or probably sexually confused, and examples of their resistance to change or women.  and worse, it was all facts.

i couldn't deny any of it.

so.... while i had a great night, with my beautiful gal and did a good thing, and saw great people... i was reminded that the people in my world are a mess.  and separating myself from them doesn't change them or me.  and as each of the ones who were there swung in and out of the conversation and briefly chimed in, they all agreed, they all pointed the same fingers, they all giggled at those standing just feet away at how bad they were.

i'm starting to realize that i should just accept, and unless they want to throw anger or problems at me, i'm just going to live and be happy with them while i work on myself.  because unlike them, i want to embrace the fact that i'm not perfect, i'm very flawed, and i can be better.

the first step will be improving my ability to accept the reality of me.

Atrix, Day 1

I now have the Motorola Atrix as a trial, the bootloader is locked so I'm stuck with the stock 2.2.2 rom.  I've had this thing going for 16 hours, with no lapdock or media dock.

CONS
-first, the power cord is positioned in a way making it difficult to use while plugged in unless you're left handed.
-the central power button/fingerprint scanner is actually a little difficult to use.
-i'm sure Chris is going to laugh about this, but the screen is so acute that its actually difficult to read at times
-MotoBlur is completely unnecessary

PROS
-its got an awesome screen resolution no matter how difficult this makes it to read at times, it looks great.
-its well powered, even if the second core only gets used by lapdock
-the size is perfect, it fits well in my hand and anyone's hand
-from what i can tell, even with this awesome screen, the battery life seems rather sufficient

unlike SOME people who claim they gave this phone a solid try, using it a couple hours a day while in Vero suffering through a parental visit, I'm going to actually give this phone an uninterrupted trial an rely on it instead of falling back on my iPhone.  when it loses power, i'm going to charge it, when i need an iPod, i'll put music on it, and so on.  if i could open the bootloader i think i'd like it more (with Cyanogen), but i'm limited and on some level i think that will improve the experience.

i should footnote that until last night i spent a few days back on iPhone, and Chris' usual complaint about the lacking app development for Android is totally true.  i will probably go back to iPhone long term unless this changes.

redundant

i got home from my parent's house and i couldn't get online... then i noticed none of my tv's worked.  i called the local cable company and no one else was having trouble, so they scheduled a visit for 16 hours later.

but last night was a little rough on me, i needed a night in - but with no internet or tv, it was going to suck a lot with no tv or interwebs... luckily, i had a backup plan.

some time ago, i put an antenna on my roof, the cost wasn't terrible.  digital tv reception at my house isn't perfect, but it works enough to get me many channels.

the coax feed runs into my basement and just dangles there unused, having it connected to the cable system is only going to bleed off the cable signal.  but when the cable is out, i can use a barrel connector to directly connect the antenna to the TV of choice (in my case, in my bedroom), or replace the incoming cable feed with the antenna.

my tv's are older, i'm someone who doesn't really see the need to spend money on new flat panels unless i need them.  i took advantage of the discount cards that were available during the Dtv changeover, but there are many converter boxes available fairly inexpensively.

by simply reconnecting the feed to my bedroom tv to the converter i have in there, i had tv.

from there, i try to keep a phone around that can tether.  tethering is where you have a way to get your computer online via your cell phone.  you can pay for the service from most cell providers, but i dont pay for the service.  however, i am technically inclined, so i have in the past hacked my iphone and currently keep an Android based phone in my arsenal that allows for this.

keeping this stuff around isn't difficult or terribly expensive, and truly beats the shit out of not being able to stay connected.

in the end, i went over to a friend's house anyway - and when i came home the cable connection was fixed (though the wire is still across all the yards).  but, i love knowing i'm prepared to avoid hassle or annoyance. 

the mess

I'm watching LockUp... for the last year, this has been my weekly visual addiction.  Every Friday and Saturday night, all night, MSNBC runs a marathon of this show.  LockUp is shot in prisons, they seem to mainly be in California and Indiana, but really they've shot them all over the world, and even some juvenile and boot camp facilities.  It really seems that the system doesn't work.

I recently discussed the show with a friend of mine, who's response was 'why are we keeping these people alive?'.  I'm not this drastic, but his point was simple: almost all offenders are repeat offenders, why are we wasting our money?

Our prisons aren't as horrific as some foreign prisons, but they are a mess.  And, the problem isn't getting better.  I'm writing this in June of 2011, and in recent news the state of California was ordered by the Supreme Court to release 30,000 prisoners because the prisons there are so overcrowded its considered inhumane.

The juvenile situations they've shown are oddly similar to the adult programs, inmates who think they know better than anyone else, most are repeat offenders.  The judges want the parents to do something to control their kids, but it seemed many were from single working parent homes and had no respect for their parents anyway.  Why these kids aren't being pushed into a military program is beyond me... if they want to be a badass, why not use this to our advantage?  I get that their parents want many many more chances, maybe more than the kids do, but if we get to offense 3 haven't we proven this isn't working?

Adult prisons in most of the country are ancient.  There was apparently a time when people had enough respect for each other to make these designs worthwhile... but now they're a mess, they should be converted into anything else.

The culture in these prisons is horrific, the worst people in the state are wedged in a confined space and expected to treat each other well - what?  The inmates group in racially based gangs, the inmates are released on the 'yards' for exercise where hundreds of them group with their gangs, but have the ability to get to each other if they want.  And, they do.

So, here is my plan.

We need to redesign our prisons, I believe its possible to design pods of cells that surround a single recreation area, shared by the cells that it connects to.  Inmates will be allowed into that area once a day to exercise, then return to their cell.  At all times, inmates will be alone.

Cells will include televisions and viewing screens that allow them to be entertained and feed them educational and therapeutic material.

I get it, solitary is considered inhumane by some.  Well, there's the rub.  In exchange for guaranteed safety and recreation and entertainment and so on - they're in solitary.  This is a punishment, being locked up isn't as much of a punishment anymore because the inmates are just moving from one culture to another... what if we remove culture from them altogether, feeding them what they need.  News, world information, show them more world than the 'hood or the inmates.

Still this is a lot - solitary is supposedly hell, even if you have entertainment.  In my mind, this system is harsh in some ways, and in exchange for that, time spent in this world of near complete solitude will be worth 3 times as much.

So, the safety and return culture removed, punishment time reduced because the punishment impact is increased - thus clearing out space for future visitors.

im hiding

I just moved all my parents deck furniture, by myself, again.  my sister rolled in well after we had finished as usual.  so noe I'm hiding in the recently gutted basement.  on some level I'm ok with the situation as now this space is geared how I like it, with my old computers setup facing the big screen...


yeah... I think I'm gonna hide here, mancave west...

hmm... reality?

so, i'm out with a group of friends tonight, and an old friend of mine had many glasses of wine... we were having a smoke, and she asked if i wanted to go to Six Flags tomorrow.  tomorrow is the last day of school for her kids, and the result is that her family and a few others go to Six Flags, i was again asked to be their guest.  i declined.

really, i love her children.  in a shocking parallel dimension where some really screwed up chain of events happened i would take care of them as my own.  but - we don't live there, and i'm not ready to deal with hours and hours of her kids.

her oldest is very mature for her age, i could probably tolerate her for a while, and i mentioned that... to which my friend informed me that her daughter's maturity was eventually going to cause problems because she didn't like how i carried myself in such a lax manner and made comments that seemed so mean - no matter how much of a joke they were.

the comment which apparently caused the problem was, "for every pound you gain, someone loves you a little less".  admittedly a shitty thing to say, but while its harsh to say - its the truth.  if you don't believe me, go buy an ugly car tomorrow just because its a good car.

my friend and i are close, which is the only reason i had the ability to tell her she was not only wrong, but it was her over-sheltering her children in an unrealistic, confusing, and misleading world that allowed her to even think about disagreeing with me - at one point even telling her she should tell her daughters that the truth was that i was right.

she and i debated the reality of my joke, and my friend stood firm on how wrong i was about the importance of being thin in other people's eyes.  no matter how often i commented on the reality of most people's shallow ways, even pointing out obvious facts the proved my point, she wanted to reject the idea.

from there we got to the topic of an upcoming set of benefits we'll be going to.  the summer was packed with various events already, and generally i'm not really a fan of such events and the people who more often than not are involved in a sad attempt to bolster their image, but these two are somewhat different.  the first is for a charity another friend started and i had helped with the arrangements, plus its starting to turn into a party with just about everyone we've known since high school.  the second is an expensive event with a fun twist - and while its expensive to go, another friend apparently bought a whole VIP table so it should be fun.

the upcoming summer in general is looking good, events, some travel, etc.  as my friend and i discussed it she started to point out how difficult some of this was going to after her last doctor visit.

my friend had just been to the doctor for a battery of tests in an effort to see more results from her health routine.  after months of working with a trainer 4 times a week she wasn't seeing as much improvement as expected and things had to change.  it seemed that the next 3 months would involve some specific type of drug, she would not be allowed to drink a drop of booze or soda (only water and a very small amount of milk), and a strict structured diet at specified times of specified food times.

the good news, was that she was now guaranteed to get the pounds off.  the problem was that she was going to have to fact the next 3 months as 'not as much fun'.  i'm sure she'll still be fun, she's all about being fun and outgoing.  but the idea of it didn't seem fun to her.

"how am i going to handle this?!" she asked.

"well, i would start by telling your daughters that mommy isn't as much fun anymore because she's going through a chemically induced weight loss program while she starves herself all summer so she can look thin."

she grinned and told me strongly that she wasn't doing this for anyone else but herself, and that other people should love her how she is!

i agreed, they sure should, so... maybe she should start by telling her daughters that "for every pound you gain, you love herself a little less".

am i fraudulant?

as usual, too much napping and not doing enough during my day leaves me not sleeping at nearly 3am.  i really have to stop sleeping in, i'll still get 8 hours of sleep and a nap tomorrow, but my day won't be all it could be.

i like to think it will be, maybe i'll push myself to get up and get to mass in the morning.  i usually use mass as a reason to get up and going at 8am.  i don't have to be dressed a certain way or ever showered, but it gets me up and going so i can find things to do with my day that i want to do.  the alternative is laying around at home doing nothing... which, as much as it sounds like an awesome life, does not lead to happiness.

life...

lately life's been a little frustrating, and a lot of it comes down to disbelief.  because i'm just as bad as everyone i'm about to ridicule, allow me to point out that i'm often surprised at how right people believe they are when logic is staring them right in the face - how does that happen??

i have one friend who's constantly living in fear of their spouse cheating on them.  this person comments to me about it often... and the spouse (from what i see) would be one of my last suspects to do so.  i wonder where this comes from - then i realize that this person has a friend who recently not only stepped out on their spouse, this person flat out left their spouse to pursue someone else.  this person divided a home with children, taking advantage of everyone involved and pointing the finger outward constantly.  this person has kids, and my friend has kids, so now everyone's kids are involved... and really, for all you super parents out there who want to see the world as perfect - kids talk.  i've mentioned these facts to my friend, but they see things their way, with logic staring them in the face.  if you leave a reminder of the problem in your world, its only going to cause problems, even if they're only mental - that can be enough.

i have another friend who's convinced everyone is against them, talking about them behind their back, spreading lies and so on.  the latest two accusations have involved email that i sent, and this person oddly knew i sent emails about them... and not only knew about them, but knew the exact recipients.  one of the emails was brought up over a week after i sent it.  this caused me to receive email at just after 6am... so... this person was unable to sleep thinking about all the evil people in his world, and fired and angry email to me about it making accusations which in the end were harsh words in his mind and meant nothing to anyone else.  oh, and, now everyone is convinced this person is reading my emails.  later in life as this rumor spreads, this person will blame everyone else, again.  everyone is against this person... even when logic clearly states that if everyone else is wrong consistently, odds are you may not be right.

people bring this last friend up to me from time to time, and it hit me recently that this person lives in almost 2 worlds.  their usual world where everyone knows this person fairly well, and over time most people have decided to limit their contact with this person because of the results, openly discuss why when this person is around, but act as if nothings wrong if they're around to avoid problems.  the other world is full of married corporate climbers who will make a periodic lunch plan on work days, but nearly nothing on nights or weekends, and periodically comment on how this person should get a relationship going so that they could all go out during social hours... ouch... thats either another attempt for distance, or worse, proof these people are more about the status than the people.  but in all this, my friend believes these are the better persons to be associated with.... because... they don't really know the person well, and have put restrictions on his being able to hang out with them.  logically, this kinda spells out his importance in their lives, but still, they're the better option.

yet another friend can't figure out why their spouse is often suspicious of what's going on when they aren't together.  this friend claims their closest friend is... someone who recently remarried after cheating on their spouse.  hello?

then there's the recently divorced friend who fought in the divorce for the house they were well over-extended on.  anyone with a basic knowledge of law & finance knows that a marital home with too much debt on it gets split - and the debt goes to both people.  logically, the decision should be obvious, but why have that information go public, right?

of course there's the one who has to know what's going on, but acts like life is the problem.  this person has been involved in a relationship for over 2 years with someone who lives out of town and asks them to join them on a trip once every month or so.  they are calling this a 'relationship', and they often act a bit surprised when i act like its not one.  these two people are unwilling to move to the other person's city to be with them, but they make sure to end each call with 'i love you'.  maybe i dont understand love, but i think logic interpretation of this would be 'vacation sex in trade for planning'.

someone else i know has a spouse who is the breadwinner for the family.  this person operates a business but they only go in once a week, and spend the rest of their time on hobbies... often, expensive hobbies.  periodically, this person gets annoyed with people's lack of respect.  again, i could be wrong, but i know a lot of people generally dont have a lot of respect for people who spend a ton of someone else's money. personally, i dont care - but i'm surprised this person is so shocked by all this.

and then - there's the the group which actually all of the above fit in.  the 'i dont know why i'm so fat' group.  screw logic - i'll handle this one - you are fat, because you eat poorly, and don't exercise enough. if you want to be thin, you have to eat painfully and work out even more painfully - AND - it will take a while to get all that fat off you.  restrict your diet to 1 cup chicken and broccoli every 3 hours, only drink water - and do this for 4 months, and then come back to me with your fat problem.  oops, it will be gone.  why are you fat?  because you're not willing to do the work.

so - i see all this, and i'm forced to wonder where i'm wrong.  i know must be, but i know why i'm broke, and i know i'm not hard enough on my diet and exercise, and so on.  i also know its my own problem to solve, and that its my fault.  i know that its my fault if people don't have faith in me, or see me in a certain light, or want me around.  i'm forced to wonder if i'm doing anything so obviously screwed up and not noticing the mistake or the reasons behind it at all.  am i a fraud?