im hiding

I just moved all my parents deck furniture, by myself, again.  my sister rolled in well after we had finished as usual.  so noe I'm hiding in the recently gutted basement.  on some level I'm ok with the situation as now this space is geared how I like it, with my old computers setup facing the big screen...


yeah... I think I'm gonna hide here, mancave west...

hmm... reality?

so, i'm out with a group of friends tonight, and an old friend of mine had many glasses of wine... we were having a smoke, and she asked if i wanted to go to Six Flags tomorrow.  tomorrow is the last day of school for her kids, and the result is that her family and a few others go to Six Flags, i was again asked to be their guest.  i declined.

really, i love her children.  in a shocking parallel dimension where some really screwed up chain of events happened i would take care of them as my own.  but - we don't live there, and i'm not ready to deal with hours and hours of her kids.

her oldest is very mature for her age, i could probably tolerate her for a while, and i mentioned that... to which my friend informed me that her daughter's maturity was eventually going to cause problems because she didn't like how i carried myself in such a lax manner and made comments that seemed so mean - no matter how much of a joke they were.

the comment which apparently caused the problem was, "for every pound you gain, someone loves you a little less".  admittedly a shitty thing to say, but while its harsh to say - its the truth.  if you don't believe me, go buy an ugly car tomorrow just because its a good car.

my friend and i are close, which is the only reason i had the ability to tell her she was not only wrong, but it was her over-sheltering her children in an unrealistic, confusing, and misleading world that allowed her to even think about disagreeing with me - at one point even telling her she should tell her daughters that the truth was that i was right.

she and i debated the reality of my joke, and my friend stood firm on how wrong i was about the importance of being thin in other people's eyes.  no matter how often i commented on the reality of most people's shallow ways, even pointing out obvious facts the proved my point, she wanted to reject the idea.

from there we got to the topic of an upcoming set of benefits we'll be going to.  the summer was packed with various events already, and generally i'm not really a fan of such events and the people who more often than not are involved in a sad attempt to bolster their image, but these two are somewhat different.  the first is for a charity another friend started and i had helped with the arrangements, plus its starting to turn into a party with just about everyone we've known since high school.  the second is an expensive event with a fun twist - and while its expensive to go, another friend apparently bought a whole VIP table so it should be fun.

the upcoming summer in general is looking good, events, some travel, etc.  as my friend and i discussed it she started to point out how difficult some of this was going to after her last doctor visit.

my friend had just been to the doctor for a battery of tests in an effort to see more results from her health routine.  after months of working with a trainer 4 times a week she wasn't seeing as much improvement as expected and things had to change.  it seemed that the next 3 months would involve some specific type of drug, she would not be allowed to drink a drop of booze or soda (only water and a very small amount of milk), and a strict structured diet at specified times of specified food times.

the good news, was that she was now guaranteed to get the pounds off.  the problem was that she was going to have to fact the next 3 months as 'not as much fun'.  i'm sure she'll still be fun, she's all about being fun and outgoing.  but the idea of it didn't seem fun to her.

"how am i going to handle this?!" she asked.

"well, i would start by telling your daughters that mommy isn't as much fun anymore because she's going through a chemically induced weight loss program while she starves herself all summer so she can look thin."

she grinned and told me strongly that she wasn't doing this for anyone else but herself, and that other people should love her how she is!

i agreed, they sure should, so... maybe she should start by telling her daughters that "for every pound you gain, you love herself a little less".

am i fraudulant?

as usual, too much napping and not doing enough during my day leaves me not sleeping at nearly 3am.  i really have to stop sleeping in, i'll still get 8 hours of sleep and a nap tomorrow, but my day won't be all it could be.

i like to think it will be, maybe i'll push myself to get up and get to mass in the morning.  i usually use mass as a reason to get up and going at 8am.  i don't have to be dressed a certain way or ever showered, but it gets me up and going so i can find things to do with my day that i want to do.  the alternative is laying around at home doing nothing... which, as much as it sounds like an awesome life, does not lead to happiness.

life...

lately life's been a little frustrating, and a lot of it comes down to disbelief.  because i'm just as bad as everyone i'm about to ridicule, allow me to point out that i'm often surprised at how right people believe they are when logic is staring them right in the face - how does that happen??

i have one friend who's constantly living in fear of their spouse cheating on them.  this person comments to me about it often... and the spouse (from what i see) would be one of my last suspects to do so.  i wonder where this comes from - then i realize that this person has a friend who recently not only stepped out on their spouse, this person flat out left their spouse to pursue someone else.  this person divided a home with children, taking advantage of everyone involved and pointing the finger outward constantly.  this person has kids, and my friend has kids, so now everyone's kids are involved... and really, for all you super parents out there who want to see the world as perfect - kids talk.  i've mentioned these facts to my friend, but they see things their way, with logic staring them in the face.  if you leave a reminder of the problem in your world, its only going to cause problems, even if they're only mental - that can be enough.

i have another friend who's convinced everyone is against them, talking about them behind their back, spreading lies and so on.  the latest two accusations have involved email that i sent, and this person oddly knew i sent emails about them... and not only knew about them, but knew the exact recipients.  one of the emails was brought up over a week after i sent it.  this caused me to receive email at just after 6am... so... this person was unable to sleep thinking about all the evil people in his world, and fired and angry email to me about it making accusations which in the end were harsh words in his mind and meant nothing to anyone else.  oh, and, now everyone is convinced this person is reading my emails.  later in life as this rumor spreads, this person will blame everyone else, again.  everyone is against this person... even when logic clearly states that if everyone else is wrong consistently, odds are you may not be right.

people bring this last friend up to me from time to time, and it hit me recently that this person lives in almost 2 worlds.  their usual world where everyone knows this person fairly well, and over time most people have decided to limit their contact with this person because of the results, openly discuss why when this person is around, but act as if nothings wrong if they're around to avoid problems.  the other world is full of married corporate climbers who will make a periodic lunch plan on work days, but nearly nothing on nights or weekends, and periodically comment on how this person should get a relationship going so that they could all go out during social hours... ouch... thats either another attempt for distance, or worse, proof these people are more about the status than the people.  but in all this, my friend believes these are the better persons to be associated with.... because... they don't really know the person well, and have put restrictions on his being able to hang out with them.  logically, this kinda spells out his importance in their lives, but still, they're the better option.

yet another friend can't figure out why their spouse is often suspicious of what's going on when they aren't together.  this friend claims their closest friend is... someone who recently remarried after cheating on their spouse.  hello?

then there's the recently divorced friend who fought in the divorce for the house they were well over-extended on.  anyone with a basic knowledge of law & finance knows that a marital home with too much debt on it gets split - and the debt goes to both people.  logically, the decision should be obvious, but why have that information go public, right?

of course there's the one who has to know what's going on, but acts like life is the problem.  this person has been involved in a relationship for over 2 years with someone who lives out of town and asks them to join them on a trip once every month or so.  they are calling this a 'relationship', and they often act a bit surprised when i act like its not one.  these two people are unwilling to move to the other person's city to be with them, but they make sure to end each call with 'i love you'.  maybe i dont understand love, but i think logic interpretation of this would be 'vacation sex in trade for planning'.

someone else i know has a spouse who is the breadwinner for the family.  this person operates a business but they only go in once a week, and spend the rest of their time on hobbies... often, expensive hobbies.  periodically, this person gets annoyed with people's lack of respect.  again, i could be wrong, but i know a lot of people generally dont have a lot of respect for people who spend a ton of someone else's money. personally, i dont care - but i'm surprised this person is so shocked by all this.

and then - there's the the group which actually all of the above fit in.  the 'i dont know why i'm so fat' group.  screw logic - i'll handle this one - you are fat, because you eat poorly, and don't exercise enough. if you want to be thin, you have to eat painfully and work out even more painfully - AND - it will take a while to get all that fat off you.  restrict your diet to 1 cup chicken and broccoli every 3 hours, only drink water - and do this for 4 months, and then come back to me with your fat problem.  oops, it will be gone.  why are you fat?  because you're not willing to do the work.

so - i see all this, and i'm forced to wonder where i'm wrong.  i know must be, but i know why i'm broke, and i know i'm not hard enough on my diet and exercise, and so on.  i also know its my own problem to solve, and that its my fault.  i know that its my fault if people don't have faith in me, or see me in a certain light, or want me around.  i'm forced to wonder if i'm doing anything so obviously screwed up and not noticing the mistake or the reasons behind it at all.  am i a fraud?

iBlog?

in an effort to try and see how much can be done without a computer... and on some level without an internet connection, I'm blogging from a different iDevice...


here's a picture of how gross my car gets during winter... and, a limitation in that I have to sync with iPhoto or download pics to use them.

I wonder what chris and hurl are doing...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Brownell Ave,St Louis,United States

check check mic checka

this is a test of my mobile blogging app, when my stalker chris gets notified that I blogged by his mail.app... I hope he's not let down.

this apps interface is GORGEOUS!!


-- I posted from my iPhone

what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.

a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.

then - its gone. like the swing i was in.

my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.

ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.

i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.

and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.