get your tech on

Recently I was reconnected with a friend I hadn't spoken to in 15 years - 15 years!

KEB came back into my life with a 2 page handwritten letter, after which we talked on the phone at length. I commented on my inability to find her over the years, especially with the internet... anyone can be found online with enough work: Facebook and Twitter alone can make easy work of finding someone, then there are services like Intelius if you're willing to pay to find people (and do background checks). With those are ways of fine tuning searches if you know where and how to look, professional sites like Plaxo & LinkedIn can provide the same benefit as Facebook, and even sites you wouldn't expect can do so and more. For example, I have nearly 100 albums in Picasa, which does face recognition and links to people in my address book. Anyone in my Picasa could be found and in that, a method to reconnect.

As long as someone isn't the kind of person who hides everything online and goes out of their way to hide what should be unimportant details, you should be able to find something they are involved in and thus a way to reconnect. If not, they're either a paranoid who's probably not very trustworthy, or, they are one of the rare few who have somehow avoided the internet.

KEB was one of the latter. She had an email address, but that was it. She had a laptop, but never learned how to use it well. And, she had a boyfriend she was eager to get rid of who didn't like the idea of their lives being online... shocker, he's a cheater. After years of letting her codependence control what she did with life, she wanted to get on the information superhighway - and into the fast lane. Ironically, her reconnection with me was perfectly timed.

After the last 2 weeks of helping her with this, I thought it would make a good write up. No matter where you stand with the internet, I think these tools can help. I'm going to consider the 'standard' to be Apple's MobileMe service and iLife. It provides online storage, email, web space, blog space, Photo organization and gallery, a calendar for scheduling your life, a contact management system, and mobile connectivity.

First, get a Google account... sign up for Gmail. Even if you have an email account that you've been using for over a decade, sign up with Google. You don't have to use it for the email address - think outside the box - it's not just email we're going for here. Within Google is everything someone could need, email with gmail, webspace with google sites, blog space with blogger.com, a youtube account to share videos, Picasa to organize and share photos, a calendaring system, a contact system, and access from mobile devices via Exchange connectors.

The best part - its free. At this point, you have the infrastructure in place to do almost anything.

I would also recommend getting a Yahoo! account, and use the same name for that that you used for your Gmail account. Why? Its just easier that way. And don't be stupid with your account names - make them something you can use that's short and easy. Examples:

Initials and last name: flast@yahoo.com

Last name and birth year: last81@gmail.com

...and so on.

From here, now we need to know what you have now, and what you want to do.

KEB had a year old laptop and a 5 year old flip phone with a VGA camera. The laptop works, the phone needed to be replaced. I'm a mac guy, and in that I like iPhone. However, as PCs are to Macs, Android is to iPhone - and Android was designed by Google. So find a carrier your like (I would assume your current carrier is good) and see what they have that is Android based... or if you're with AT&T, consider iPhone.

Yes, this will cost you a few hundred dollars and increase your cell phone bill. BUT, some of the newer Android based phones like Nexus1 (AT&T and T-Mobile), Droid Incredible (Verizon) and the EVO 4G (Sprint) are crazy with features. The EVO has and 8mp camera!

Once you have a smartphone, get in sync. Get your computers and your phones connected so they keep their information in 'the cloud'. You should be able to check your email on your computers and your phone, setup your calendars for the same access, and your contacts lists as well. Any changes you make on one device, should be reflected in other devices - because the information isn't kept on the computer or phone, its kept online.

At this point, I'm going to take a break - maybe I'll continue on or I won't... I've been blogging a lot lately because I've had a lot on my mind and find it cathartic. I may have a great day and never come back... but, from here we're going to sign up for various websites, get more equipment, network a little, organize our media, and get life online.

If you're the kind of person who's worried about people knowing too much about you, face the reality that probably, no one really cares, get over yourself and learn to enjoy. If you're worried about criminals and ex-lovers, you have to remember to not let bad people impact you... and do things in general terms and ways. For example: I live in either Kirkwood, Missouri or Elmhurst, Illinois, and as I'm writing this I can tell you that I'll be bouncing between both locations all summer. Does this leave me exposed to stalkers or burglars? No, I haven't given anyone my address, my schedule, or the schedule of those in my life who also come & go from my homes.

From here, when I get back, if I get back, we're going to get on some sites and get around, and then archive life online.

consider me out - I'm GAY

I'm gay.

not really, and no one reads this anyway, but on the off chance that some random person from wherever has some thoughts on this, please feel free to email me.

I'm not really gay but I'm attempting to recognize what it would be like to publicly say it - so there it is, at the top, enough to get the word out. Now, does it matter?

Not to me, and not to any of my friends (I don't think). We have gay men in our circle of friends, I have a friend in another city who's a lesbian, a local director I love working with and respect in many ways is not only gay; he's married and an activist - and I'm proud to know him.

So... what's the big deal?

I have a friend who everyone (but me) is convinced is gay. People gossip about his behaviour and comment about how it's because he's gay. His sister contacts me to help her and his mother with various issues regarding him, and apparently they both think he's gay. Old friends who used to hang out with him a lot think it, new friends think it... I just think the guy is depressed.

Then, today he made the decision to effectively end his relationship with nearly everyone he regularly socializes with because of one person he doesn't like and claims to not care about... yet he's allowing the chance this person may be somewhere to control where he goes. And now, who he'll be friends with. This does not make a man gay.

However, for the last few years he has obsessively monitored me, what I do with my time, who I socialize with, right down to whoever is listed as a Facebook friend. And, when I claimed to him that I get to control what happens on my Facebook page, he decided he was unable to be my friend, again. Yes, this has happened many times in the past, to the point where I've had to accuse him of stalking me. His explanation: well, when you feel someone is trying to dupe you, you want to catch them. And, that makes sense, but I wouldn't have to try to dupe him if he didn't put odd rules on me, and only me.

I don't know how long this will last. He recently spent time with 3 people who have all stated to me that they think he's gay. Two really, one guy didn't care... which is kind of my end point, but in the end, one of them was a woman who is having trouble getting over a breakup. When I suggested she date my friend, she laughed, because... well, he's gay. "He may not know it yet, but I'm not going to marry a guy so he can figure it out later!"

The other woman recently commented on his quiet, placid state, his mannerism and ways of speaking, and most importantly (to her) his lacking activity and effort toward others. I pointed out plenty of examples in an attempt to disagree... to which she pointed out the effort was basic, and directed at me - so, he must be gay.

In the end, his recent experience with these people did not end well. Maybe this is the root of his anger.

I make the point time and again to everyone who says these things that I have plenty of guy friends, friends who I spend tons of time with, friends who I travel with, friends who are generous to me, friends who I'm always around. Apparently other people find his attention to me different - how so? The only difference is how he reacts to one issue which doesn't even involve me really, he probably just wants someone to support him.

No one does.

So, today, I said to him after his actions, "no one agrees with you, everyone else can't be crazy, you can't be the one person who's right". He obsesses over this 10 year old issue and carries it on, so that with each day that other people move on with life and he sits stagnate, he gets angry and blames others for all he has missed because he doesn't want to be around this person he hates. His focus on this person and the issues related to him appear to be paramount in life, as it has caused him to miss out on countless events, and now remove himself from the lives of most of the people he knows.

I'm sure he thinks he's standing up for himself, he doesn't see how it makes him look nor that most people would respect him for getting over it. Most people just want to get along.

But, he thinks he's right about his issues. I think I'm right about his orientation. Ugh.

So, today I've lost a friend, again. He may get bored of sitting alone at a nearby bar, a 40 year old man sucking down bar food with 4-6 drinks per sitting. He may want some conversation, but at times I can't talk to him anymore. The topic, is almost just as bad.

Hopefully, this will at least blow over as it usually does... not permanently, but for a while, and I'll get my friend back. I am growing tired of losing friends, especially knowing the reasons are empty. He's not the first I've lost this year, the other still sneaks in a conversation with me if I put in all the effort, and now I'm putting in all the effort with him.

Now I must sit and debate... should I care about anything or anyone who doesn't care back?

audacity & relationships

"the goal of audacity (questioning) is a balanced mutuality that nurtures all relationships. A relationship that operates in only one direction is not a relationship at all. It is one more form of illusion that causes suffering."

Comparative Religious Ethics

Fasching & Dechant, 2001, Blackwell Publishing LTD

I read this, and I wonder if people question the decisions they make with each other, and their futures. Do people ask, "how will my actions impact another?"?

Or is it, that they don't care?

I say all this, then I realize that the odds are good that most people who would be unable to accept others questioning their actions, are probably not secure & cerebral enough to grasp the depth of the statement.

When a person adopts a pet they really won't pay much attention to, just so they can feel a bond with something, is that fair? When a person takes a job they really don't care about just to get some cash without concern about the work they'll do, is that right? Are decisions that involve others where each person is simply addressing an issue respectful of each other?

I have a friend who's got 2 kids, widowed, and conflicted between settling for a guy who's totally into her though she's not totally into him. A friend of hers who settled to get a ring told her, "if he is a good person, how is that settling?".

I guess that logic makes sense. You get a good person, you will have a good future potentially.

But is it all about solving an objective? Is it fair to take a future from someone who wants it to be something big, when you just want something to address a need? Why not just get a roommate that puts out?

OR - question the system, face the question of why, and face the question of what the future holds... or what you both want it to hold.

So many people are big on their secrets, don't want people to know where they are & what they are doing, what they say online or to other people... kinda makes you wonder what they are hiding. Yes, I really do feel that if you have to hide all that, you're probably not trustworthy, and if your life was opened up there would probably be plenty you did that would be considered disrespectful to others.

And let's face it, no one is willing to take the step back required to come clean.

Because your relationships only go one way - your way. You can say that someone else hired you, you can say that you talk to your lover, you can say that you were qualified to adopt that pet. But, was it all about you?

Ha, I'm that guy everyone thinks little of because I'm too much in the moment. I dunno, maybe I'm the dumbass.

I'm mobile

I'm at mass... hiding in the cry room... the youngest here by 30 years...



oof, that picture is horrific...

I don't usually go to communion so today I'm using that time to contemplate why my fuse is so short with people and their dreams.

ironic, isn't it?

everyone wants happiness and I wish I could give it to all those I know. is it my frustration with my dream that leaves me so tight with others? is it my illogical life that makes me so want logic from others?

sure their dreams have the issues I've mentioned but why do I care?

oops, communion over - this concludes the mobile blogging drill... somebody say a prayer for me.


-- I posted from my iPhone

Location:N Woodlawn Ave,Jefferson,United States

I'm Good Luck Chuck!!

so... what's up with the women in my life getting engaged - tonight Ronda got engaged and set a date! I think they've been together for almost 3 months. Two days ago my sister got engaged, she spent a good chunk of tonight arguing with people about how this wedding will finally be hers because of course she was the victim in her original wedding and didn't get to choose anything. My most recent ex got engaged after what she's calling 5 months, ha, and my cousin has turned her engagement into such a soap opera that I have people in my family going out of their way to NOT go to the wedding.

The best part - none of them want to hear that there's the slightest chance they are wrong... marrying after a few months, or the horrific controls issues, the need to have their party be perfect, the pomp & circumstance, and the bridezilla factor. Really? Awesome.

The irony, today is my parent's 42nd anniversary. Mom told the story tonight of how her marriage wasn't even planned by her, how she wasn't concerned about it all & had originally just wanted a small wedding, she just wanted to spend the rest of her life with my dad. I wonder what the young ladies with their new rings would say about my mother.... until the idea of losing their show and jewelry came up. Oddly, I know they all think of my mother with the highest regard, for now.

My mother doesn't even wear her wedding ring, at 38 I don't remember her wearing it much at all. Recently when I was helping her inventory her home for insurance reasons, she told me the ring had been in storage at a bank for decades. My father, I'm not even sure he has one. Can you imagine just being dedicated to someone without hanging a sign on your hand?

Hmm... if I get married by December, give up the biggest rock and make it a bigger production, bring in all the great photographers I know, pull in all the favors I can with country clubs and whatever else and do everything that's supposed to be done, with the best flowers, and dresses, and tuxes... will they come and see all the love behind it?

After all, that's what it's about right, the love? I wonder how many of these couple would go on forever if they never had rings, never had the big parties, didn't need multiple events showcasing their importance and... How many of them could have friends, how many would make the same decisions, and how many would be honest and true and their relationship would stay solid and secure. Is it the rock, the event and the restrictions that make the love? I mean, if you have to have all the rules and such, is that really the person you want to be with? And if you couldn't make a production of it, would it be the same?

I remember telling a woman once that Gene Simmons was genius with his proclamation of being 'happily unmarried' for twenty-something years. Never strayed, 2 kids, great life. That's awesome, I want a gal who just wants to be with me for the rest of time. Sadly, none of them can say that.

Good God ladies - can you imagine? Just being with someone without the production of it all? Holy crap - no ring to show off to the other ladies so you can show all you've done with your life??

Crazy. Someday, maybe I'll understand what love & marriage means. 7.1 people per 1000 get married in the USA, 3.5 per 1000 will divorce. Your odds of failure are basically 50/50 (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm), worse if you're on a second marriage or the child of divorce. But, at least you get the party and a lot of rules.

I think I'd rather have a best friend than a production or a suitable mate. My current great friends don't limit me, they don't need a party or jewelry, they don't need a lot of reinforcement or care if I hang out with other people, and they'll be there forever. It's too bad I don't want to see them naked.

Congrats ladies! I got my cousin's invite today and I actually look forward to going to the rest of the events as well! For what its worth, I'll be behind you all no matter what happens... even without finding a way to make a big deal of it.

family tied

This weekend is the Family Picnic for my mom's side... over 700 people. I've been asked to help out early in the morning, and it will be at the family farm so I'm going out there tonight, I'll crash there, get up early, my cousin will say mass, I'll spend all day eating stuff I shouldn't eat... and then I'll probably post the pictures in my WebAlbums, which the world will ignore, much like this blog.

I do love them all, they are so encouraging, and so positive in general.

My cousin however, won't be there this year... she's had to quit her job, and skip all other events because she is planning her wedding in Chicago. She recently asked me to be an usher. Of course, I said yes.

Later I received email sent to me and the other ushers, telling us where to stay and where to rent our tuxes... and that we were paying for everything ourselves. What? In my nearly 20 years of being in many weddings, no one has asked me to cover the tab on their party that they created the expense of. Is it a lot of money, no.... but I'm an actor who's been getting by on side jobs & the support of loved ones, if I wasn't already going to be in Chicago then, I probably wouldn't be able to go, much less cover the tux and the rumored night of drinking I'm hearing she expects her family guys to provide to the non-related members of the wedding party.

So, I told her I was out on the usher job... now I don't even know if I'll get an invitation to the event.

Someday, when I finally take that plunge I want it to be a picnic, where everyone can just hang out. Well, really, I think the idea of the old school Saturday night wedding where all the men have to wear tuxes (even guests) and the women have to be formal is really cool.... maybe a small one like that where no one feels like they're being pushed into an expensive thing (maybe if I could afford to cover all the tux rentals for the guests too), and then a picnic reception party the next day for 1000 of our closest.

I really don't think life has to be so formal, sure at times there are reasons, but I don't see a reason to force that formality on others. And I'm confused by weddings - I hear so often that a wedding is supposed to be this joyous party... but really, has anyone ever been to a formal event that wasn't a wedding? A corporate dinner, or a charity function? They are not joyous.

But, people are people. Confusion and rules and insecurity. OH! and I think I'd want the 'does anyone object' line in my wedding too - seriously, its old school, and I really don't think anyone has the balls to say anything.... plus, it would be totally fun for us to take a second to look out into the crowd and wait - ha.

Hmm... and I'd also want the REALLY old school 'obey' line added back into her vows, because really, I think we all know that whoever she is, she's going to rule my life and it won't matter.

Life's Come Full Circle...

in 1994, a girl kissed me.

i had been working on one of the docks at the Lake of the Ozarks, i had no one to eat with at night, and was lucky enough to find local young ladies to join me. one worked on a dock in the same cove, and we always had a great time. one night, she kissed me - the stones on her! completely bowled me over. gorgeous, so smart, and gutsy.

however, her step father was really protective, and he made his thoughts clear. when she didn't listen, he made life for the family difficult. 11 months later, she called and told me she couldn't see her mother miserable anymore, she had to stop. it crushed me.

life went on, it always does.

in the last month, i had a friend's wife file for divorce - then every relationship i've had in my adult life made a statement in one way or another (as you may have read in a previous post). first, in the span of a week, everyone from the last 10 years showed up... then, in the last week, the 2 from the 90's contacted me. one of them just to make small talk, we're still friends... but she decided on a very different life path some time ago, so we rarely talk. the other, was the girl who kissed me, KEB.

yesterday i went to my parent's house to help them with things as i often do, and there was a letter for me. handwritten, on plain paper, with perfect penmanship and layout, 2 pages of regret for not following her heart 14 years ago, and wonder about where she would be. i was floored.

i'm no prize, in fact, i'm far from it. but she had come to a point in life where she had to know the whereabouts of the 'stranger who knew her so well', where i had gone, and what i had done. she had apparently found me online, she knew a lot of me that can be found, but she felt the need to reach out. after reading the letter i called her and we talked for over an hour, our first words in over a decade.

at one point i mentioned how we split, and before i could finish the statement she said, "I'm sorry".

she had met a man, a sweet man, a good man, and a man she wasn't in love with. they have been together for 11 years. she looked back on the years since she did what her step-father wanted with regret... and told me it was the first of many decisions she was manipulated into, and now her step father was gone, life had taken its course, and she realized she was living in a state of malaise. she owned a house, had a career, they lived together, they had dogs and cats... and their life was at best mechanical. she wanted out. she wanted to restart and make choices for herself and not for others.

she thought back to our conversations, she needed to find me, after 14 years. she lives in another corner of the country, but in the first day we talked for hours.

how many people out there are unhappy like her, because they did what they were supposed to do? because they did what they felt was needed to fit in, or to take the next step? how many of them are unhappy with the chances they never took, the life they never lived, or the adventures they never found?

for some reason, a higher power has brought all my loves back to me, prefaced with a story of love falling apart. what is God trying to tell me? in the recap of them all... one is a miserable corporate climber, one a divorced single mom, one an unmarried single mom, one a married mom with a past she tries to forget, one about to get married after years of hidden secrets, and lastly we're back to square one who like all the rest - did her best to follow the rules, and do everything right. they all on some leveled lived their lives for others, and it made them or may make them miserable.

maybe the solution is to live life for yourself first, but be honest with yourself and others so you can always be there for them. not to rush, know yourself, find yourself first before you try to share your life or give life to another.

then again, by that plan, maybe no one would ever get married.

yeah, the last month has left me feeling loved, unwanted, respected, and unsure - all at the same time. i wish there was a way to tell them all that no matter where they take themselves, i'll always be there for them.

after this last 24 hours, i guess she knows. and that feels great.