immediate fail - day 2

well, i made it nearly one day - kind of...

yesterday went as planned, starvation, etc... and i went to the gym today, starved myself all day, made it all the way to around 7pm when i was informed by a guy i know what we aren't really friends in reality if we aren't friends on Facebook. this is the same guy who told me we couldn't be friends on Facebook unless I made sure not to be friends with people he didn't approve of.

he then wanted to go to dinner, i thought i'd find a time to talk to him about it, but the conversation was basically all about our friend who's obsessing with the bf... so...

yeah, ugh, time to lock down my Facebook account - and to think, there was a time when i didn't think i'd ever really have a problem with stalkers.

ok, so tomorrow is friday, i'm hoping to get up early and starve to sunday...

ash wednesday - day 1 - lent 2010

i got up early (for me) and got to 8am mass, got the ashes, and didn't eat all day. i swung by the parent's house to check on them, then came back to the Skanktuary to go through the 2months of mail left here from living with the them while mom recovered.

i owe a higher power for pulling my mom through it all - a quadruple bypass, with valve replacement - and then, oops, an emergency aortic resectioning on the table when they found hers to be calcified (that required them to freeze her into hibernation). i ended up living with the 'rents for the whole thing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, etc. totally worth it, though it nearly fried my mind, but i need to get back to chicago and back to acting.

40 days of lent, 1 day down. i'm going to fast for lent as my sacrifice, and because i need to lose weight anyway. yesterday was a gratuitous orgy of consumption for me, starting in an office that had their own soda tap (not to mention a full bar), then McD's for lunch, and a gluttonous amount of homecookin, beer, and more soda for dinner at Muzzy's house. her husband is a lucky man, that gal can cook!

so - first and foremost, no soda - then, no booze - then no crappy food - then... assuming i live through all that, i'm going to hit the gym daily, do the workout set i have on DVD every day but sunday (not because its lent, but because that's the 'rest day')... and because my photographer will want it, i'll tan too, m-w-f. it will start off slow, this week will be focused on me, monitor the parents and their needs from afar (because their house is a carb farm), getting back into a schedule with the gym, and cleaning around the house. MONDAY will be when i get the DVDs and the tanning into things as well. basically, i'm getting back into my 'pre-shoot' routine... which sucks until you get into the swing of it all. worst of it all is that it can completely alienate me from the people in my world as they'll want to drink and eat and drink more... but, i'll just take it 'one day at a time', and do what i do in the past, get it running, then get out and behave when i'm in the swing... it will take a few days.

i was good today, the only thing that went in my mouth was water... it was ash wednesday, so i went for the full starve. it wasn't too hard, but i've done it for many days in the past. i have a wicked headache, i'm assuming its the withdraw from the caffeine that i sucked in happily with all the soda - mmmmm - so good. i havent been hungry though, and i know from the past that if i keep myself flush with water there's almost no hunger at all. thus, the game starts. if i'm alone its fairly easy, but when i did this last the bigger issue was my friends wanting to hit the bars and booze it up. i think i can avoid that since i egged a few key players to do something similar for lent, we'll see how that goes, at least they're giving it a try, or claiming they will try, eventually most of them will want to get out and be loud and difficult to handle when you're not/barely eating and not drinking... and finding alternatives can be rather difficult.

i do have one friend that was a healthy alternative until she got a boyfriend 2 months ago and has stopped hanging out with me, sure there are extra reasons relating to insecurity... but after mom's surgery, my requests for her help, having to wait 3 weeks for her to offer a night to do so, then having her skip it to hang with the bf, then go ice skating with him the next night, then bake for and go to a party the night after that, then wait 3 more days to actually follow through... i'm fairly sure she actually is one of those people who puts the validation of a relationship in front of friends. however, with all her denials and propaganda was yet another offer to hang out this sunday... and i'd asked her to think of me on sundays since it seems that's the day least likely for her to come up with 'other plans'. SO - as i joked with her before today that i'd be restricting my eating to only the days when she's got time away from the bf the marrieds who magically got her the bf who fit in perfectly with them (as i predicted) - maybe that'll be my plan... i'll eat again on sundays, assuming she's there.

she used to read my blog, i'm thinkin she doesn't have time for such things anymore, so i'm going to post this now so i can't point it out when we get to Easter and i have the fun of pointing out that nearly another 2 months went by - awesome. she'll probably respond with something about me not understanding how a relationship works - and thank god i dont, nor do any of my happily married friends who can oddly find time away from their significant others all the time. either way, its an awesome excuse, nothing motivates me more than making a point.

actually, i'll be surprised if anyone reads this blog - i never understood these thing really, i think i do it on some level to journal for myself - BUT - if i'm able to get myself back in shape, or just flat out go manorexic, i can point to this and tell people that i warned them