Thursday, January 27, 2011

what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.


a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.


then - its gone. like the swing i was in.


my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.


ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.


i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.


and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.



Wednesday, January 26, 2011

unrecognized...

last night, a friend of mine who's in town asked me to meet him out. we went to a nearby bar and met another friend - the two of them had decided to group up with a few others and were doing a weight loss competition.


as the discussion progressed, the questions were raised of 'who is fat' vs 'who is out of shape' and when weight gain made a difference at all.


eventually, i brought out one of my headshots, claiming that i was way huge compared to how i should look... my friend thought i was crazy, and that i still looked the same.


then the waitress came to the table, my friend grabbed my phone, clearly displaying my headshot on its large color screen and asked her who was in the picture - i was sitting right there, and she DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME!!


so... i got LA out of the way, and last weekend was the big 3 bday party weekend hurdle i had to clear. in 5 days my weight loss buddy heads to Africa for two weeks. she will be in the desert surrounded by foods she wont want to eat - its kind of an unfair advantage. i can only hope that she catches some trips to an international mcdonald's in an effort to avoid eating roasted platypus. either way, she's already gorgeous, and she's going to come back tan and less a lot of water weight.


this is all a sign, i need to make sure that when she gets off that plane from her trip she sees a difference. its a perfect opportunity to have someone who may not notice a gradual weight loss notice it since she's paying attention anyway - but will be gone for 2 weeks. i keep doing little things that work against me that, thinking that 1 Coke won't make a difference, or that a few days away from the gym I can make up for - and then don't.


i have got to stop letting the little things in life derail my larger goals, we all do.



Saturday, January 15, 2011

the gentle knock...

i'm in LA... i'm at the Chateau Marmont on the pool desk with my MacBook Air, laying in the sun, its 75' and barely a cloud in the sky...

really, i'm only here by the grace of God and my friend Matt.  he has a client out here that calls on him often, very often, so often that the client knows he's being difficult so he tells Matt to come out here and bring a friend and stay here.  so my broke unemployed actor self gets to come and stay in this the quintessential Hollywood residence a couple times a year.

and on this trip, things got interesting...

first, we got here and i went to the front desk to check in.  Matt had left his phone in the car so i was the only one standing there and i was handed a letter.  the letter was an apology because the hotel was going to be hosting a party for Paramount Pictures that would consume the bar and restaurant during our stay.  however, to make up for the inconvenience, Paramount was extending an invitation to all the hotel guests to join the party.... and, awesome.

then, before matt's client meeting the client called and hurl was in the shower.  i answered.  when matt got to the meeting the client commented on how good it was that he brings a friend to keep from getting bored - and then mentioned his upcoming trip to China, and said we should join him for that... oh, and Cannes he has to go there too and doesn't want to... he's just going to get bored at these things, having his business advisor there would help, and another dude to keep things lively would be all the better.

woah - in the span of 36hours i've been included in a premier studio party celebrating the Golden Globes, a trip to the China for their up & coming film festival, and a trip to France for the Cannes Film Festival.  you can't tell because of the way i have myself seated, but flaming kittens are about to fire out of my ass!

ironically, in my year to clean up and fly right, i can't find a date to save my life for this party.  i know three gorgeous actresses in town, all three have plans... the woman i'd ask back home has zero desire to be in LA (and much less an industry event), and the two women i know in town have barely even acknowledged my presence here via comments online much less contacted me to see what's going on.  i was however lucky enough to strike up a conversation at a local pizza place with a rather attractive law student who claimed she wanted to go... however she works two jobs, and wasn't sure if she could bail early... we will see.

i've been good this year, my year of growth.  i haven't acted the fool, havent had reason to vomit or be asked to put my clothes back on, been waking up alone, so on... i'm being a grown up.  however, while i feel better, it sometimes feels limiting and lonely.

oh well, in 5 hours is the party, in 3 months are the trips.  well, really life is the trip, isn't it?

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Marital Resume

a friend of mine and i were talking tonight about what i discuss with women about marriage... really?  i just make conversation, i dont have anything to hide - but he's of the belief that some of this can be misinterpreted.  he suggested i just get it all on paper... i have a business resume, i have an acting resume, so why not have a marriage resume?

i'm in no rush to get married... but the idea is amusing.

when i asked what should be on a 'marial resume' he replied by asking me what i wanted in a wife.

- be attractive (to me), and willing to stay attractive (to me)
- dont be a dumbass
- make the relationship the important thing, not babies or paychecks or a lifestyle... and this seems to be the problem really.  i'm not opposed to wanting these things, i'm opposed to it being a deciding factor in a relationship, i mean, what if someone can't have kids, or gets fired?

really, its that simple.  don't be interested in me because you're dying to have kids, don't be some flake, and realize that i'm marrying you for who you are that day and all i think you can be... if you spend all your time working out just to get a ring, you're kinda missing the point.

apparently this wasn't acceptable, because even under those guidelines there are so many little details that women will consider... and these details i am supposed to answer.  so, here we go:

Richard J. Valenta
Bachelor

OBJECTIVE
To have a life of happiness

EXPERIENCE
I have met and known many people, I have traveled to some of the world's nicest places and some of the world's biggest shitholes, I think I'm a good conversationalist, I am fun.

HEALTH
I have allergies, otherwise I have no health issues.

EDUCATION
I have an MBA emphasized in Finance, a Bachelor of Science majored in business and minored in accounting.  I have also completed the Second City curriculum in Improvisation and Acting, as well as courses at Piven Theater Workshop, and COCA.

EMPLOYMENT
I am actor... though lately its been hard to pay the bills that way and I also work as a freelance IT and Business consultant.

RELIGION
Roman Catholic

POLITICS
Fiscal Conservative and Social Moderate.

HABITS
I drink socially, I smoke, I don't do drugs... I try to workout fairly often, but only because I want to look good naked.

FAMILY
I come from a basic family, still married parents, 1 sister.  My mother is 1 of 17, so I know what its like to have a big family.  I have often been referred to as a 'good son'... this is apparently something women like to know.

KIDS
I have no children, I am not opposed to children... but I don't think a relationship should start or continue because people want or have kids.

HOBBIES
Electronics & computers.

HOME SKILLS
I'm handy around the house, I've installed my own appliances and worked on my own car.  I know how to clean.  All of this doesn't mean I do it often now, or don't know when it's better to call in a professional.

PUBLIC SKILLS
While around the house I prefer to be laid back, I clean up well and know how to behave well under almost any circumstance.  I'm also a big fan of direction in case the people with me are nervous.


...really, what else is there?

Monday, January 3, 2011

The New 2011

i'm 3 days in 2011 and so far i'm calling it a success...

2010, like 2009, was a wash.  sure i helped with my sick mother and met some great new people... but my repeated attempts to expand my agency representation in Chicago found no results, and while i did find a new agent in Memphis the rest of the situation left me bored and depressed - and expanding.

the boredom of a bad economy and the corresponding lower flow of work opportunities left me with a bored and slightly depressed state of mind... worse than 2009, and toward the end of the year i basically let go.

i'm lucky enough to have someone in my life who has challenged me to a motivating little competition to get into shape.  in this, i found some motivation.  she's gorgeous and is probably taking advantage of my looking for a reason to do it, while she keeps talking up how she needs to lose weight i can't imagine where from.  as anal as i am about the female form, she's at most a salty snack overweight - so i'm totally going to kick her ass.

all this talk has me motivated to continue on with my propaganda after my birthday - this year will be the big 4-0.  good god, if you had asked me 25 years ago what my life would be like at 40 i couldn't have been more wrong.  understand this:  i was going to be married by 25, possibly even have a kid out, and my career in finance was going to have me all over the planet.  i would still call st. louis my home, but often would need to spend time at my posh condo in NYC for business reasons.

um, fail.

somehow, i stopped aging in a lot of ways right after i thought up that dreamscape.  my home is in kirkwood, the house i have in chicago isn't mine and i havent been there in over a year, i didn't finally decide on a career until a few years ago (and even that is uncertain), i havent left the country in 5 years, and i couldn't be more single & childless.

but, i'm starting slow & steady and getting back - something i've been saying i'm going to do for some time.  fuck it, i have to stop letting my boredom define things, because eventually auditions come up and i look like crap.

so - i have to keep myself busy... what does that mean?  early spring cleaning - for the first time in the decade that i've have my home i'm going to give it a full scrub down, each room is getting things thrown away - everything must go.  i dont need great decorating, but i need a clean home to seat my clean body.

dont get excited with me saying clean body.

i'm giving up booze, and with the screwed up life i live that pretty much means giving up my flirtatious ways - all which is fine... i didn't have any issues with loyalty anyway, but being tipsy and a flirt has caused some concern over the years.  sadly, i can't remember the last first kiss i had sober... and there's probably a lengthy list of of crap which can be associated with booze.  let's just hope this doesn't make me into a limp asshole.

so, day 1 without booze and the cleaning has begun... its so bad here you can't even tell i filled a trash bag today.  i'd like to have a definite change before i leave for LA so i can feel like i'm coming home to a clean house and not a fraternity house.  my competition will be traveling this weekend and at the end of the month - and travel is going to be the biggest problem in all this!  when you travel, you're feel free, you feel 'on vacation'... luckily i only have one short trip planned - and when she gets back i'm going to  look ridiculous hot!

this is my road to 40, i'm going to get my body back and get cleaned up, and get myself back on track as the country gets itself back.  it's time.