Tired of Being Single?

Today is Valentines Day... a day when we are all so happy to be in love, and when we are all so love...

So here's the deal, I find all this laughable.

everything in life is a transaction... don't make any assumptions on that statement.  love is not prostitution, but you hang out with your friends because you enjoy your time with them... and you love your dog because of the unconditional love you get back.  if your friends developed crack habits and your dog started biting you every day, you'd ditch them.

however, the friends eventually bring you drama, and the dog will eventually shit in the living room, but you put up with it because the good outweighs the bad.  everything in life is balance.  love however seems to have really screwed up scales - which are thrown off by your psychology, the impact life and family and money and time and friends have on you and others, and your willingness to accept the harsh reality of sharing yourself.

THE BASICS:

Men are roaming the planet thinking they are 'MEN' and they deserve the 'BEST', when all they really bring to the table is some inflated sense of self worth blessed upon them by society.

...and sadly, after 41 years, I've realized that most of the men i know who have cheated on their wives are the same men who are always buying their wives new cars and giving their kids the latest electronics - not because they want their family to have the best, but because they want other people to see how well they 'provide'.

Women have it worse off, as modern society now makes them compete with men as equals - but, they also have to somehow remain sexy and perfect and docile... which has really left them in some bullshit quandary where so many of them exude some false sense of confidence and pride that is at best unattractive.

...and somehow that has resulted in a modern breed of women filled with faux pride - you see them online, constantly 'complaining' about how bad their kids are, or how much wine they need, or how bad men are... all things they wouldn't have to deal with if they had the self confidence to love their lives.

And now you're single, possibly divorced, you may or may not have children.  With that you're probably telling yourself a lengthy list of excuses to explain why.

Some of my favorites:

"all the men/women I meet are psychos" - certainly this has nothing to do with your selection process, it just 'happens' over and over again.  no one only attracts psychos, but everyone has the option of subconsciously chasing the wrong people.

"people don't understand me" - so... you've made yourself too complex, or do you change constantly?  if no one 'understands' you, then you're basically complaining that you're some massive puzzle that probably changes constantly.  those of us in reality call that 'unstable'.  unstable people are awesome for one night stands and if you're fun, people may even want to bring you to parties to see what kind of crazy event you'll foster.  no one wants to take you home permanently, grow up.

"i have kids, none of the people i date get that" - well, that will happen when you keep dating childless singles who are 15 years younger than you.  I'm sorry the corresponding people in your demographic are also strapped with kids and probably also out of shape.  still, trying looking at people with a similar situation before you scar your kids mentally.

"no one can handle me!" - yeah, that statement in itself is unappeasing... ask yourself if you can 'handle' driving a car with no windows and a crank start.  sure, you could do it, but why would you want to?  that's how other people see you.  consider introspection, and if you can't be honest with yourself, try being honest with your much needed therapist.

"there aren't any attractive people here" - thank god the region was blessed with your epic good looks to balance that out.  it's also completely possible that you're afraid to give anyone a chance, so you're making excuses.  let your guard down - don't lower your standards, but don't complain if your sole review of others is looks.

"i've been too busy" - anyone who says that needs to know that everyone is laughing at them behind their back.  everyone, even your mother, who wishes you would get yourself together, and especially your friends who hate the fact that you think they are stupid enough not to see the truth.  get off your ass and make some time, you aren't that important.

"the men/women i meet bring nothing to the table" - are you picking up dates at a homeless shelter or does this mean you bring everything possible to the table?  are you that awesome?  well, if you are the corporate super-executive, lottery winner, who looks like a model, and writes novels in your free time as you wind down from all your charity work - but somehow you can't find love... it's possible you're not actually looking.  it's also completely possible that maybe what you need is someone who bring their willingness to tolerate you to the table and nothing else.

IF YOU ARE SINGLE THIS VALENTINES DAY AND WANT THAT TO CHANGE:

First assess yourself.

Ask yourself if you see your own flaws.  Ask yourself if people can talk to you about your shortcomings.  Ask yourself what you like about yourself and what scares you about yourself.  If your family and friends can't tell you when you're being a jackass without you flipping out on them, odds are you're not ready for a real relationship, and you probably need to fix that first.

Love should be a connection of minds, but it usually starts with a physical attraction and your willingness to let your guard down.  If you think about the current romantic movies like The Vow or The Notebook, they involve men who are passionately in love.

Funny Side Fact: Ryan Gosling was cast by the director of that film because the director didn't want someone who was 'too good looking' - then (as a lot of women like to forget) he spent the majority of that film poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and quietly lovelorn.  Would you give a guy a chance if he was poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and lovelorn?  Just think, he may decide to shave and shower and spend the rest of his life reminding you every day what love means.

But, he can't if you're too busy chasing the David Beckham look-alike at the gym where you attempt to work off the 2800 calories a day that you'll never burn because you don't want to get sweaty and ruin your makeup... you don't understand life.

Life isn't all that complex in many ways.  You have to see your own flaws and address the ones that can be addressed before you can expect that from others.

Would you date you?

Second assess your options.

If you spend all your time with your parents, and hanging out with your married friends helping them take care of their kids, and working at the steel mill - surprise, you aren't going to meet anyone.

If you spend all your time with your ex bf/gf who acts like they want you back but won't pull the trigger - here's a clue, they aren't going to, because they don't have to, because you won't leave them.

If you don't have the balls to clean yourself up and get out there, you're not going to make any progress in finding a relationship.  While it's completely possible to find love in an online video game or while at your friend's baby shower... the odds are small.

And look at ALL your options... the hot woman who spends all her time working on her body, or the guy who's the life of the party may be the two most appealing people in the room.  Odds are she's vapid, and he's not telling you about the nasty divorce that occurred after he got caught nailing his secretary.  Somewhere in that room is a person who's the sleeper, somewhere in that room is someone who's attractive and nice without being a spectacle.  Look for that person... they'll be the woman you can talk to and the guy you can trust.

Third, assess your situation.


Men, you want to be comfortable and accepted for who you are, but realize that woman like a guy who can at least attempt to put together some kind of decent look.  Take a shower, look nice... but don't be prettier than her.  The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not ego.

Women, I get it, you spent your whole life comparing yourself to the woman on TV and barely made it through those awkward years where your boobs were too small or so big that no man ever looked you in the eye.  Don't be afraid to be sexy, in the end real sexy comes from inside, and it is completely possible to have cleavage and class.  No man wants to marry a whore, but no man wants to get stuck with a woman who has never owned a vibrator and is afraid to be naked.  The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not false pride.


If your have trouble talking to others, and they won't talk to you, figure out why.  It is COMPLETELY possible that you are too attractive.  Just like you may be afraid to just walk up and talk to someone, if you are always perfectly dressed and have a perfect body, the odds are high that many will be afraid to talk to you because no one wants to be shot down by someone who looks awesome.  It's also completely possible that you aren't catching people's eyes, or that you're the girl who's with 4 dudes, or that sitting somewhere with your swimsuit model sister may keep women from talking to you.  Maybe, just maybe, you should try growing some balls and talking to others.

And consider what impacts your life, but don't force it on other people...

Single parents (for example) have to factor in their kids.  Children of parents who have to be taken care of are in a similar situation.  Some people are actually trapped into lives which can cause problems, and if you actually are on the President's staff and must live a monitored life that has you constantly traveling, then you have to do whatever it takes to get around this problem so that other people aren't wasting their time on you.

But any situation can be addressed - and some situations that can appear as problems can actually make things easier with the right people.  Single parents can make 'play dates', and most high power jobs factor in people's social life by offering events that encourage people to bring dates.  Often, your situation can help you filter out people who are not an option, OR secretly provide an insight... but, you have to be willing to think outside the box.  A parent 'play date' in public let's you see how the other person treats their kids, and can help you see how they handle life.  If you're a corporate super-exec you may have company tickets to events, and you can see how they handle things in your life.

Your life includes factors that make your life, some of which are not by choice.  Family responsibilities, career, health issues, all factor in your relationships - you should be able to share that, but not make it someone else's burden.  Impressing them with you, should make them want to help.

And realize that your assets could easily be a burden as well.  Having a lot of money and taking someone out to shower them with everything grand could make you look like an ass, or worse leave you surrounded with people who only want that.  This is important:  Showering someone with your wealth is NOT the same as SHARING your wealth with someone.  And there's nothing wrong with a woman picking up the check so that both of you can have some time together (but realize that some men aren't secure enough to deal with that all the time).  Know when someone wants to be with you for you, then you can share everything with them.

Really, all of this assumes you're not playing any games and over thinking it all.  Time spent on a playdate with someone who's not great with kids, doesn't mean they are a bad parent - maybe you two are the perfect combination for those kids, and each other.

And, when you're ready.

You have to want reality, and you have to know and accept the real you.  You have to accept as much as you want to be accepted, and first you have to know yourself well enough to bring the real you to the table.  Maybe you're not able to handle that, if you want it, maybe you need to make some changes.