one more year, a lot less hair

a week before my birthday i was at Tom's house, after not drinking for nearly 2 months i finally decided to have a glass of wine or two with Tom & his wife Jogi.  that day had been rough on Jogi and a week later she had another hard day scheduled dealing with some drama... so i asked her if i should be ready for a few more glasses of wine to let her know i'd be there for her.  as the night progressed, the subject changed and Tom invited me to join them the following weekend for Labor Day at their place at the lake.  we'd had a few glasses of wine, so i didnt think the invitation was completely serious... more impulsive, so i let it go.

the week progressed, and as carolyn and i talked all day via email and texts, i mentioned to her that she should keep next tuesday free for her mom Jogi.  she was of course there for her, though we were unsure what we'd do with the night if Jogi decided she didn't want the company... the week moved on.

cards on the dock

friday arrived and carolyn was on the road to the lake, i was at home.  we talked about the upcoming week a bit... still focused on her mom, and me not going to the lake - but the next day as we were texting back & forth and she said something suspicious: "we have Tuesday night planned".  Tom must have noticed that i hadn't come down and called me to ask where i was.  so i stuffed some things in a bag and headed to the lake.

i arrived late saturday night, to a card game which left me confused... Tom and his family are card sharks.  after we headed to the deck for a couple bottles of wine which left me a bit of a mess the next morning.  we spent sunday on the water enjoying the sun (Carolyn and I may have gotten too much), then more cards, and sunday night Jogi made an awesome dinner.  i'd learned my lesson the night before, and spent the night winding down on the couch with Carolyn where she introduced me to a show called 'Snapped'... which was nothing short of twisted.

on Labor Day we went back out on the water again, then we all helped Tom put some of the summer things away before we headed back... this weekend sounds so simple, but it was undoubtedly the best Labor Day i have had in my 30's.

the next day was Tuesday, my birthday, and a day when Jogi had a lot of stress to deal with.  Carolyn told me to be at her place at 6:30, and i arrived to confirm what i suspected, she had turned the night into a birthday celebration for me.  there was a spread of mexican food all made by her.  i can't lie, i was impressed.  i generally don't like people doing things for me... i appreciate a kind thought and words of recognition, but all the effort she had gone through really meant a lot to me.  on some level i figured i would spend my birthday night having a quick bite with mom & dad, then run over to Tom & Jogi's to help her blow off some steam, but instead we were celebrating my birthday.  Carolyn's sister arrived a few hours later, and then i was presented with two bags of gag gifts and a card from them all.  in the end, it was simple, and simply amazing.  while playing cards that previous Sunday, Tom had announced, "welcome to the family!"  and while i'm not family, i felt very much like i was.

around 10pm, all the ladies realized it was late for them, and while Tom and I continued to ramble on the balcony, they packed up all kinds of leftovers and we were sent home.  however, as i got near my house, i got a call from friends downtown wanting to keep things alive.  Subash was with Oliver down at a bar where Slaps works.  from there we progressed to Shiver, where we met up with a guy named Cody who had with him a group of friends which helped the great night move on.  we all enjoyed one of their choice vodkas and swung around in their globe chairs before heading across the street to Flamingo Bowl which made for great people watching.  it was a nice way to meet out some buddies and wind down my birthday night.

wednesday was fairly relaxed, as was thursday... since I spent the night of the 7th out, I went over and had dinner with my parent's on wednesday night.  my mother is on a never ending battle for me to scower my house, and since i don't like gifts, she bought me a ton of cleaning supplies.

then friday i got email from my agent explaining that yet another of my rare auditions had been a fail.  i'd had enough of my look and not working... i hated my hair.  it was shaggy and had been for nearly 3 years... ugh.  i wanted a drastic change.

a lifelong friend of mine had been wanting to shave away my shag for weeks, i had jokingly suggested a mohawk.  and friday was the day.  i got to meredith's house around 9pm, she and her husband KC had just gotten home from taking the kids out for greek food... and they'd gotten their hands on a professional razor.  Shnidy and his wife were witnesses as meredith's middle child sat in front of me in the garage giggling... before i knew it, the whole neighborhood of children sat next to me in amazement.  meredith worked slowly and nervously... taking a break in the middle when KC issued quick judgement on the remaining hairs on the sides of my scalp.  before you knew, i was done - mohawk style!
i woke up the next morning with a pink mohawk faltering after hours of being mashed into a pillow.  i took the day slowly... saturday night, a week from my drive to the lake, would be the annual "September Birthdays Party".

for over a decade, a group of us who were all hatched in the first week of september have had a party together... and it was time for that event.  i adorned myself in the usual offensive tshirt, a sexy blazer, cargo shorts, and flip flops.  i headed back to meredith's, where she gave the 'hawk some volume and we first headed to Araka for a few drinks.  after Araka we made out way to Schneithorst's for the event.

this year's turnout was awesome, i couldn't believe how many people showed up... faces i hadn't seen in years, people who had to fly in from across the country, people who you would think would make up excuses about kids or other obligations, those from both coasts and those who had so much else going on made it.  it was awesome.

easily half that upstairs deck was our group of people, i was impressed with those who showed up even though they didn't know many, and was impressed with everyone's happy demeanor.

really, the week was perfect.  from Tom's hospitality at the lake, to Carolyn's birthday dinner for me which was full of thoughtful detail, being surrounded by Meredith's family and neighbors and my friends, and the 50+ people at the September Birthdays party... it was an awesome year.

A Handful Of Pics Are Here

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Birthday Week Pics

Tommy	Shiver
pink!	spikey!

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the girls in the middle

i have two beautiful nieces, and i think the world of them.  just months ago the older one was in beauty pageant and needed to find someone with a convertible to drive her in a parade and she called me to drive her in my beat up old Jeep.  i couldn't have been happier - i was so nervous since the other convertibles were so nice, and my friend Amy even offered to let us do it in her red Audi but she wanted it to be in my '86 CJ.  i actually heard people from the crowd say things about how awesome the old Jeeps were!  she heard it too and loved it, it was great.

the younger one i recently ran into randomly walking to a friend's house after school as i sat outside on my friend's patio.  the two girls joined us for a bit and we hung out and had some laughs and after leaving my friend complimented her in so many ways.  her personality is nothing like her older sister, this one is the brainy one who likes to test people, her grades are awesome and i'm very proud of her.

proud of both really, they are children of divorce and times aren't always easy.  i don't get to see them a lot because they aren't my kids, but my sister lived with my parents for years after the divorce and still regularly unloads them over there so i probably see them more than most uncles.

my father has really been the male role model in their life, with me as a backup.  i take them to the father-daughter events, and at times i've had to be a little hard on them, etc.  i have no kids, but i think i do a good job when i do.

then, about 2 weeks ago, their mother started to lip off on my Facebook page.  i love my sister, but her insecurities drive her need to be heard so much that she doesn't seem to pay attention when she starts to act or rant.  i had made a post about people posting pics of their kids on that site, and how the pictures were not secured and any pervert could see them.  i followed up the post with my own comment stating clearly that my motivations for saying what i said were really to stop the congestive flow of pictures from everyone's kid having yet another first day of school.  my sister didn't bother to read that...

eager to shut down the big brother which always blocks her sun, she replied with rants about my being a hypocrite, then followed it up with more posts about how stupid my thoughts were because of the impossible effort needed to find the pics in question.  somewhere in the middle i tried to point out that people should read everything i said... but she continued.

finally, i'd had enough, and i defriended her.  my sister is notorious for problems on Facebook.  of the 106 friends we have in common there, i can't tell you the number of people who have come to me and apologized for having to block her, or the others who have just let her go.  are they friends or at least friendly to her?  sure, but she rants, and as shown here in this simple example she seems to rant without taking the time to be informed, and often she lets emotion guide her decision making.

and then she did, again...

this morning i was informed by my niece that her mother instructed her to block me on Facebook.  i'm sure she will have some excuse, something about my talking about drinking or some event i had pictures of being too wild... but the timing seems a little perfect that this happened right after i defriended her.

and, she's notorious for playing these games with my mother.  mom loves to see these girls and they are getting older and less likely to spend time with grandma.  when grandma isn't good to my sister, she finds other places to warehouse her kids, or she just leaves them at her boyfriend's house.  klassy huh?  yeah, not surprisingly, their mother is the kinda woman who brings her kids to sleep at the boyfriends house.  now with that option, she has the ability to exercise more controls.

my sister called me a few weeks ago asking me to watch her dog because my mother had complained about something so instead of bringing the girls and the dog over to stay with them while she traveled, she was going to warehouse one girl elsewhere and leave the dog with me.  uh, no.  i'm not going to help you play your game.

and now, i can't be friends with my nieces on Facebook.

i have (or had) someone in my life who lived through things like this after her parent's divorce, but i can't talk to her about it because sadly, she's now playing games with the people in her life as well.  i don't know who else i can get help or advice from.  her stories of the control games bordered on abusive in my mind and often made me wish i had ways to set her mother straight in her defense.  truly the brightest of her siblings, any time she chose her father over her mother in even the slightest way limitations were placed on her in regards to activities or tuition payments that simply weren't placed on her younger and less able sisters.  now she lives in a way where she keeps things a secret so as to not upset those who she wants love from, she tries to make everything appropriate, and cater to people.  she's such a beautiful person in so many ways, and often noticed her similarities to my niece... i now have my concerns that the games will have the same impact on my girls as they did her.

and i have no one to turn to otherwise.  i didnt grow up in a world where this was common place, i heard about it randomly, but to actually use a child as a method of retaliation?  to cause that child to learn that if someone annoys their parent they will get pulled from them?  to teach your children that they have to follow the master plan or be rejected and be forced to remove people and things from their lives which they may love and find important... who does that?  who makes up excuses instead of communicating and doesn't expect the results to be poor?

my friend Adam called my sister 'spineless', but its more than that.  and really, its not a battle i am prepared to fight... but i will fight for those girls.  but how do you fight a parent?  how do you tell your sibling with the insecurity complex that they could be wrong in how they are raising their kids?

ugh, this is killing me.  if it were anything else, i would walk away.

FREEDOM!!

I want you to imagine you start a business... it could be a florist, or a restaurant, or a salon, or a computer store... anything you want.

You have the right as an American to run that business however you want, right?  You can only cut men's hair, you can only do flowers for funerals, you could only serve food to cops, you could only fix the computers of lesbians - its your business, you can do with it whatever you want.

And let's assume your business does well, you expand and buy a building and decide to hire employees.  You can buy or build your building, you can do that anywhere you want (as long as someone will sell to you), and you have the right to hire whoever you want - just as much as anyone has the right to not work for you as well.

So, explain to me why the government has the right to tell us lately how to run our lives?

This is still America, right?  Don't we all have the right as homeowners to do anything we want in our homes?  Don't we have the right as business people to run our businesses however we see fit?  Its a CAPITALIST society, the business which succeeds is the one with the hardest working people and the best plan (in theory), so if anyone is doing anything to cause people to not spend their money, they won't survive.

Yet, we now live in a society of entitlement.  Now even those who consider themselves conservatives roam the country assuming that they have the right to go into any business and have the conditions there up to their liking - by law.

This is not what America's about people!  If you go into a hardware store and its dark & dingy and the people there look shady, you leave.  There are no laws saying that products have to have value, and no laws saying a store has to be in conditions that meet your liking.  If you don't like it, you don't spend your money there, right?

Booohooo - too many Americans want there to be laws telling people how to run their lives and their businesses, and how is that freedom?  If you want to come to my restaurant for the atmosphere, then you want the atmosphere that I am providing, even if it includes gun-toting, cigar & pipe smoking, fur wearing, loud obnoxious people.  I have the right to allow people to do whatever I want them to be able to do in my place!  If its legal in general, I should be allowed to do it in MY home or MY business or MY building.  If I am a wizard of hair styling, and you want me to cut your hair, and I smoke - then that's part of what you're dealing with.  If i make a great cheeseburger at my home, you wouldn't tell me I can't smoke there - so why do you feel the righ to tell me I can't at my business.  If you don't like it, don't come there - - YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED THE RIGHT TO PATRONIZE ANY BUSINESS ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO MAKE USE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.

So someday, when you setup your own business, and then you find out that the government made it illegal for people to do what they want with their lives, and all the freedom you may lose in you own home - you remember it started now, and we allowed it.

unrealistic times

ok, no one can find me on Facebook...

holy crap, i never thought i'd get this much attention for NOT being around.  ironically, the reason for my not being around is because i'm not wanted around - what?  yeah... ok...

over the last 3 years, there have been 3 people at the core of my life, all 3 i considered my closest friends.  in the last 6 months, i effectively lost two of them.  i guess one could argue that it was my lack of action which caused me to lose them, and on some level i am sorry for that.  however, at the same time what they wanted wasn't realistic.  one was a woman, we dated and on many levels she is very important to me.  we stopped dating and i was reminded how unimportant i am to her.  given how she's treating other people in her life, i'm not sure how surprised i am.  i think she wants to be a good person who does the right thing, but in the end, thats not easy and often it will cost you as many relationships as it protects.

but, she's her own situation and its not like she's willing to pick up a phone and put any effort into friends (or, at least not this friend), so it tells a story.  she needs to Eat, Pray, Love, and until then all i can do is be the better person.

being the better person... this is something i often try to do.

then, there's the other person we'll call him H - a guy i thought was a good friend who has carried a chip on his shoulder for 10 years about a guy being rude to him.  for some reason this is something he can't let go.  rude guy is in our world, i don't control this, i dont tell him where to go, it's not my job to babysit anyone.  nor is it my job to be some kind of inter-personal referee.

however, in the end, H has allowed the presence of the other guy to ruin his life, it an many other things are making him miserable.  when i confront him about the details of the situation he ignores the facts and points out that this rude person was on my Facebook friends list - what?  yes, he wass one of the 600+ people on my friends list.  H has 273 people on his friends list, and probably 1/3 of them also have the rude guy on their Facebook friends list... but he doesn't complain to them, he complains to me.

this has gone on for YEARS.  his argument: if this rude person isn't an important factor in my life, then i can easily remove him and it shouldn't make a difference.  really, its Facebook, none of it makes a difference.  but - if i do this, what's next?  how much childish crap do i have to do for this 40 year old man to feel better about himself?    i'm tired of looking like this guys bitch in the eyes of the world over a childish issue.  if this was something i believed in, a cause of value, i could make a statement - but what statement am i to make when people notice?  what statement can i make that doesnt in the end make me just look like a fool?

i have tried many things to split the difference, but in the end H stalks me.  he monitors my Facebook page to the point where he will know details on friends he doesn't know and will probably never meet, family members of people i went to grade school with, and so on.  he monitors my tweets, he monitors my life, he stalks me - and he has told me he has to do it to make sure i'm not trying to pull some kind of trickery on him.  what?  yes, trickery, trickery that could involve the evil rude person.  that, and to make sure i am not ruining his reputation.  sadly, the truth of his actions is more damaging than anything i could possibly invent... but the truth is apparently what he wants hidden.  its a proud life for this 40 year old man.  shockingly, he's not happy in life.

and really, that's it, misery loves company.  its safe to assume that if H is going to banish himself to a life of solitude where he avoids events and places and more just to avoid this person, he wants to make sure that someone will sit there with him and not enjoy life too.

SO - how can i dispose of his demands, and still have my own life?  well, his demands were based on Facebook, so i got rid of Facebook.  i got rid of the 600 friends and the pictures and changed my email address that Facebook had.

i feel bad for H, it has to suck to be in the situation he's in between his insistance on being right while knowing he leads a life he can't share with his family or the world.  what sucks for him even more is that he got rid of his Facebook account and next to no one noticed where as i've spend the last 48 hours fielding tweets and texts and IMs and emails from countless people.  he's lonely.

he's not stupid, he knows that he has alienated people on purpose.  he knows he pushed everyone away over this all-important rude person who's nearly never around.  it has to suck to be SO right about everything that it costs you so much.

ironically, the two people i mentioned here used to complain about the amount of time i spent with the other person.

H spent today trying to catch me in some kind of 'trickery', claiming to know what i did, but unable to point it out.  here's what i did - i got rid of everything.  this was followed by claims that i would just go back to it all as if that was a crime.

fans and friends

i went to the lake one morning, and made my usual check-ins from Foursquare and with it Twitter and Facebook.  and in that a handful of people started to make the usual comments about my life...  "enjoy your play time" and "must be nice" and so on.

i get that a lot, people make comments which at times seem encouraging and at other times seem like a cross between jealousy and an effort to be involved so they can watch.  this kinda bothered me.

i have a lot of people in my life, and i don't expect to see or talk to all of them often, but from a few i realized i ONLY heard from them at moments like this, our friendship was arm's length it seemed, but they felt they could comment away as if they still knew me well enough to do so.  the tweets started flying, and when i thought about it, the only person who i thought really knew me well enough on twitter to say these things wasn't commenting at all, but she had made comments like these in the past... and now couldn't, or wouldn't, because of reasons i can only suspect which in the end have landed us only able to be friends behind the scenes.

i was back on the road, and it hit me - while her reasons were kinda sad, overall a lot of these people were similar in that they liked the idea of my being their friend, but not really, they just liked having me out there at arm's length for whatever reason, and hoped i would keep myself there so they didn't have to put any effort in.  they were too busy, someone like me wouldn't understand, they had jobs and kids and other things to maintain.

really, its the maintenance of their illusion which is key.  i know plenty of people jobs and kids and active lives who manage to keep themselves rather social, but the people of that day... seem to not be able to do that, nor could they admit as to why.  let's face it, its embarrassing to say that you can't or won't reach out to others because of some situation you should be able to control.  you control what you do with your life, you control if your kids are well behaved, you control if your spouse can't trust you, you control your own views.

i was annoyed, and this has annoyed me before.  so i said it publicly, i tweeted back to all who were apparently listening that their responses  would be proven wrong, that i would turn myself around, put a 3 hour drive of effort in and come back to see who wanted to really get out and be social.  i didnt expect parents to show up, last minute sitters are hard to find... and i didnt expect someone to be there if they were scheduled to work somehow that night... and really, i didn't expect any of them to show up at all.

none of them responded.  as usual, people who like to make claims of maturity and proper behaviour tend to get really quiet when they are put to any social test, it seems the two are not compatible.  i'm starting to think such claims are really more defensive claims for the nervous panic the feel in the face of insecurity.

and then, i got home - i was headed to Pi in the Central West End, I made it publicly known....

i spent the first part of my night with Allyson and Christina, both gorgeous and professional.  Allyson is the founder and managing editor of Sauce Magazine as well as having her own media company, she's very busy... but she made it... and, she wanted me to contact her about some things and I totally dropped the ball until today, so I hope she forgives me.  Christina is an attorney, has her own boutique civil litigation firm, also very busy, and she also made it.  we were outside and tried to take pictures of power lines... with little success.  Maggie was there with her husband Alex, though they didn't bring their toddler but they wanted to get out and see people i assume.  Maggie does freelance work on top of being a mom and Alex is a rising star at Express Scripts, one of those guys who's been assigned not one but two cell phones because he's always working.  They both made it.

Amber was the star of the night, in town from LA for a week and i was happy to see her, and happy she reached out to me online.  I'm sure she has a lot to take care of while she's here since she's not been in town for nearly a year, but she made it.  Casee had just started back to school, she's a teacher, and under the pressure of meetings and planning sessions and so on, she made it.

we were outside, the weather wasn't too bad actually, and from the distance i saw a tall stunning beauty approaching - it was Erica.  she WAS scheduled to work that night as a reporter for our local CBS station - and did, a MU J-School grad, very well put together and proper, and on a set schedule.  But, she made it.

after a few hours, a few people had to leave, it was getting late and people did have to work and deal with children and it was 11pm.  i was left with Amber, Erica, and Casee.  we all made our way over to Mandarin where the ladies danced and i did my poor impersonation of dancing.  we sat outside on their third floor patio and met new people and had many laughs.  it wasn't a crazy night, it was a good night, and it wasn't a late night really.

one of them asked me what the story was with my attitude on people, and i attempted to explain how i had plenty of friends who i didn't really go out with but i talked to often, who would eventually make time for dinner or pick up a phone and call to check in.... and then there were others who just seemed to wait around for me to reach out to them or make the periodic comments on my life.

"well, they find you entertaining" it was explained to me.  and maybe they do.  after all, a lot of the people i was tweeting with have lives which are laced with settling down and settling on life and lots of talk but not a lot of effort.  i mentioned this, and pointed out how very lacking my effort is in life, and how i wished i put in a lot more at times.  "but you do, and you don't follow the plain and normal, which is why you are entertaining" i was handed back.

great, i'm entertaining, and i know a lot of people who don't seem to want to be around me a lot.  "well, they cant do what you do, they have lives and with it the mental blocks which created those lives, which is why they are fans of people who live like you".

ok, this sounds horrific, i've been told many times that people live through me - live through me!  my life is a mess!  none of the people i know would trade lives with me!  "and, really they can't, its not in them".

this still doesn't answer why they couldn't pick up a phone and call... i was driving back, they were all leaving work, i said it publicly that i wanted to hear from them.  why didn't they call or tweet or show up?  they act like they are my friends, what's the problem?

"well, maybe they're just your fans"

and in that, for the first time I truly realized how a person could be lonely at the top, how a person could be the most popular and miserable, how a person could be a star and have everything, and be depressed.

luckily, i am not one of those people.

put a ring on it - the wedding in review

i was just driving back from morning mass, and the radio started to play Beyonce's song 'Single Ladies', and i started to think about this past weekend...

my cousin got married, it was in Chicago and because of a little drama between she and i, there were moments when i almost wasn't even going to go.  i had been originally asked to actually be in the wedding as an usher and was excited about it, but in the end that wasn't going to work out.  in hindsight, i'm surprised that myself or one of my other 3 cousins who were asked to be ushers weren't groomsmen... only because there were so many bridesmaids that TWO of the groomsmen had to walk down the isle with two bridesmaids.  the logical one in me tells me that you either need more groomsmen or less bridesmaids... i dunno... there were also two maids of honor.  the wedding was excessive.

the view from the rehearsal dinner

first, i went up 2 days early, i needed to go, i wanted to touch base with a few agents up there and took care of that my first day there.  i was happy to find out that 3 of my top agent selections were a block from each other in greektown, just blocks from the train station.  one is a division of Ford Models, and, i so look forward to working with them.

the first night was the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner - i totally forgot my camera or there would be pictures other than the night cityscape i took as my phone battery was going dead.

the cruise ran late due to many many people being caught in traffic, and in fact many still missed it, but the boat was awesome as it carried us down the Chicago River and in to Lake Michigan.  the boat was large in size and its roof was decked out with a bar nearly as well equipped as the interior 'salon' allowing us all to take in the gorgeous night.  just after the half way point a large screen which had been cycling through a series of old childhood photos of the bride and groom started to play a video of the two of them getting their pictures taken for.... whatever reason that happens.  there was a LOT of making out, but it was nice.  then my cousin grabbed the mic and announced that she had another video she had made as a surprise for her beau where she was interviewed in a classic almost film noir format and told the story of how much she loved him, with more pics which were very well done.

after, the booze had been flowing for a while, a lot of us were back outside, when a sudden downpour rocked us and caused a run inside... i met a great gal while inside and spent some time talking to her, a nursing student with what seems like a great outlook on life (not to mention completely gorgeous).  i was lucky enough to get to know her over the weekend and we should be staying in touch.  the rain died after we started to head back, but then started again just as they were telling us all to get out!  that, kinda sucked.  i bolted under the michigan ave bridge and hailed a cab to Second City.

the next day more cousins arrived and we headed to a place in Lincoln Park for more excessive 'man vs food' style eating.  the drinking started around noon-ish, which you'd think we would know better than to do with the events we had in front of us.  finally, it was time.

under the jewish wedding canopy on the catholic altar

we all headed back to the hotel and got ready.  i donned what i'm calling the retro-mod tux, and ya know, i think i made it work.  the wedding was at 5pm on a saturday so tux was the way to go, and most people followed along with various types including my uncle bob who went with the classic white, right out of a Bogart film.  i got a surprising number of compliments on my shoe choice.

the wedding was gorgeous, and the mix of catholic and jewish traditions was done very very well.  my cousins come from a strong irish background, so they were led out by a drummer and bagpipes, and then all us from her side of the family gathered for a picture with the new couple on the stairs of the century old stone downtown church.

after, a set of old school chicago trolleys took us out to a country club for the reception.  the place was totally old school, brick & stone buildings, oak panel walls, framed pictures of the couple throughout the years on the tables and fireplace mantles as well as old pictures of their parents.  the bar was open and wine was being handed out by waiters as well as servings of grape gazpacho and small finger foods.

the dinner was phenomenal, a salad with a citrus base, a lemon sorbet, then each person was given a filet mignon and a chicken breast, with a vegetable medley and potatoes, and finished of course with slices from the wedding cake - and in a first for me, it was chocolate... and while i'm not much for sweets, it was really good.

the large terrace outside had been encased in a tent which came with its own air conditioning system so the guests could have more space to dance, keep cool, and avoid any possible rain.  the reception went well past midnight as the bride and groom were carried around on chairs and later the bride and her sisters did a traditional irish jig they had learned from their grandmother as children.

the trolleys ran non-stop until nearly 2am when two large charter buses came to get anyone who remained and take them back downtown to the hotel and/or the bar across the street which had been designated the place to go for the 'after party'.  some of my younger relatives tried to make use of the drive in a manner which the driver didn't appreciate causing him to grab his mic and announce, "ok young people, we can't b'havin any smoke in da bus...  especially THAT smoke".  i can't lie, it fractured me.

most anyone under the age of 40 headed to Dugan's and we continued the night along.  the bride and groom didn't make it as they had sped off in their private 1930's era limo from the reception under a long line of well wishers holding sparklers, so my family and our new friends carried the night forward.

half the bar was full of tuxedos - and while i've seen that happen many times, i've never been a part of the party until this event.  with the laws in chicago we all flowed in and out all night, carrying on at length while some went across the street to the hotel to change and others chose to make sure they stayed with the party until the had some place to go or someone to go home with.  in the end, the night was fairly drama free, full of energy, and just a great time.

on some level, i'm happy my aunt called me to make sure i was going, and really happy she made she i'd be up early to be on that boat.  the people i met and the times i had were a reminder of how life can be when you let go of all the pressures and agendas life can weigh on you.

the wedding was excessive in many ways, a few of the ladies commented (in a positive way) about things, and then followed up with their estimates on how much it must have taken to pull it all together.  watching the 3 photographers, 2 videographers, many wedding planners, and various event management people run around was almost entertaining at times.  the men all noticed as well, and while the ladies gabbed, the men seemed to have a fairly steady view that they didn't want all that, they would do it, but they'd all rather just be with a great person.  kinda odd given that was coming from the men, but i guess when the booze gets flowing and the truth comes out i guess the guys stood firm on wanting less to deal with and focusing on the idea behind it all - if you find someone worth putting on ring on it, that's all that's important, without that you just have a big party.

oddly, as much as i was annoyed with all the various dramatics that preceded this wedding, i could tell that my cousin was very very into the idea of being with justin.  and in that, i'm happy for her.  i think she would have married him if it had been a simple ceremony on a thursday afternoon with barely a guest if any.  until this weekend i got the feeling it was more about the show, but i really got that feeling from her from some of the things she said during it all that while she was totally into the show, she was very into him, and really, that's what's important - if you're engaged, you should be willing to go right then and there the instant you get engaged, or you're really doing it for the wrong reasons.

all the pictures i took are in my WebAlbums, with more to come when i get them from others.... not that the world wants to bother with some random set of pics from a wedding they didn't attend - but, in case someone actually reads this, that's where they are.

i was just happy to get to spend the time with my family, my cousins and more, be in a great town, have an excuse to get away from my thoughts, meet some new people, and have many laughs.  the next morning i woke up without my bags or a change of clothes and had to roll into the post-event breakfast in the same tux slightly worse for the wear.  i was fed from an awesome after wedding breakfast buffet and dodged a few of the comments from my various family members until my cousin instructed me to get my stuff and get in the shower before the road trip home.  i was a little sad to see it go, the spectacle and the people, but it was time to return to life knowing i'd be sharing things online, talking to my new friend on facebook, emailing my cousins and sharing the memory in the future.

back in it

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"we're on a mission from god..."

well, it's not that serious, but for me it feels like that at times.

I was sitting at home last night in that odd quandary of knowing I had to do something, and not knowing where to start.  I needed a push... and then it came... "lets just go".

And off we went, with just enough time to throw everything in a bag, some clothes, laptop, spare chargers, some shoes... take a shower... go... don't even stop for food.

Really, I love road trip food - road trips are the best occasions to really try food that you don't have every day.  When you're at home, even a place that's not close but in the same city is something you could goto fairly often, but something out of town, thats an opportunity.

Case in point - Hot Doug's - if you don't know what it is, Google it... I'll see you there in a couple of hours.

Anyway, above you see my plan for today, I'm in Lincoln Park now, and I guess I'm gonna go by foot all over the place to my chosen 7 agencies.  Luckily, 2 are in the same building, though one is a division of Ford Models and while it's the acting division, I'm not holding my breath on that one for a while.

So, the push, the start, I'm here.   There was a devil on my shoulder, the horned & cleft-hoofed embodiment of a woman in sexy attire, a woman I know well in fact.  Well, I think I do, but I don't think anyone does... but she forked me in the shoulder and told me to get off my ass and run with the idea.  I guess tenacity may require a push at times.

8.4miles on foot... really not that big a deal.  Everyone knows how to track me via Latitude or whatever, but send me email or a text if you're willing to reach out to a guy on a mission.  Lord knows I'll have time to reply.

Heat and Headshots

I'm heading to Chicago tomorrow, for what should be the first of many trips and hopefully will start my return to being up there more often than not. However, I'm basically starting over with the auditioning and so on, including possibly returning to Second City. I needed to make sure my headshot and resume were in order.

The resume is easy, add a modeling job and the AT&T job, easy... but then, the

hair... so I headed to Rommie. Rommie is a styling goddess, but there's not much that can be done about reality. Reality is that my hair is very fine... as Dan puts it 'very fine... fine like baby hair'. Whatever, its thin too, and fine + thin means its on its way out. Suzy wants it long to take weight away from my face, so Rommie just cleaned it up, but in the end I just look like a big forehead with a great haircut. Fine, we move on.

Then, the pictures. Rogue had the idea that we just take them ourselves. And why not? I just need one or two, anything current to go with other ones I've taken over the years to show a range of appearance as I edge my way back in. I have to look like the pics, one of them must be relatively current.

So, why not? Rogue's a model, she loves photography, she has a badass camera,

we know how to work both sides of the lens on some level enough so that hopefully if we take a bunch of pics, I can get 1 or 2 decent ones to use, let's do it.

Rogue shows up at my house ready to go, I hit the shower and she's going through my clothes picking out outfits. She came up with roughly 7 of them, perfect, and she had a set of locations in mind, also perfect - let's go.

HOLY CRAP - it was 93' and HOT - topped off with the usual Saint Louis humidity. After 2 hours of attempting to make me look good it was a mess. We only got through 2 outfits and made the decision that we had to find some places inside as soon as possible. I had a client with an office nearby who wouldn't care, so we took some shots there... but the lighting was horrific.

In the end we took around 30 pics - we might maybe have 1 or 2 decent ones after she retouches them. It's so bad out there my hair somehow got all poofy, and I was

sweating through everything in embarrassing ways.

In the end, we made it a couple hours, and we headed back to the house. The only decent pic that came out of the heat was one of Rogue about to pass out while giving Cat attention.

So far at least... she's attempting to do some retouching of the gushing pores on my face right now.

I think I'm going to have to get more tenacious... there was a time when doing all this was all I could think about, it became all I did and now... now I feel like I'm trying to get back in the motions but I'm just tired.

Hopefully, this first trip will remind me of getting back in the swing. I've been helping one of my buddies from Second City with his info & resume lately, I need to take some of my own advice as well. On some level it's exciting me again, after a year and a half of not being up there and now all the interaction I'm having with people and the work that's coming up I'm pumped.

Now, to just make it happen!

the early storm

I couldn't sleep last night, it was hot and my AC is broken and I'm the type of person who thinks that little things like AC shouldn't bother people.  I mean really, air conditioning is not 'normal' in the world as a whole people, and the thought that some of you simple can't handle life without it kinda makes a lot of you weak.

Of course I say that knowing that it was in some part a factor of my insomnia.  My bedside distractions (MacBook Air, Nexus One, the TV mounted on the end of the bed) were really the majority of the problem, that and all the tea I drank last night.

But now it's Sunday morning.  I was woken early by a weather alert that told me I had to move my old CJ-7 into the garage, and soon it will storm.  I love a good storm, I could sleep for days during a good storm, and yes it has the potential to jar me sometimes with crashing thunder and the loud cracks of flashing lightning - but overall, it awesome because in the end, it's totally worth it.

Also awesome is Alex.  Awesome Alex is a friend of mine who I recently reconnected with after nearly a decade apart.  I often want to refer to her as AA if I send something to her on Twitter, but ironically she's also sober and I know at one point was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous... so I'm afraid she'll misunderstand the reference.  She now has two kids, one is still going through the 'terrible twos' as the other is going to enter soon, and she is doing her best to be a better mom that isn't going to give in to a lot of the more common norms of today.  She's not going to have a nanny, she's not sticking them in daycare, she's not parking them in front of a TV (in fact, she's currently working on giving them as little TV as possible).  She is being hands-on.

I'm not talking about the weirdo moms that don't let their kids do anything, I've seen the pictures, these kids redefine 'active'.  But she's going old-school, she's working with them, she's trying to find new things to do with them instead of turning them over to someone else and letting them sit for hours with a glazed look on their face as they re-watch Toy Story for the 48th time.

And, she's fried!  It's a lot of work being a parent... there's a reason I'm not one.  Sometimes I'll read about her day online and it seems to be bliss, other days, it seems like she's going to pull out her hair.  

When I'm around my friend's kids I'm baffled, I will see them tell the child something and watch them ignore their parents, and there have been times when it's been a situation that could literally get deadly. I want to freak out on the child, but I know it's not my place, so I just sit there and get stressed wanting to yell at them and tell them to listen to their parents! I really have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to parenting, it's really for the better that I'm single in that respect.

I had a hand in raising my two nieces and they both realize that dealing with me is a zero tolerance situation. I have two, the princess & the terrorist. Sarah is the princess, my angel. Now 16 I recently taught her to drive. She isn't as difficult as her nickname would assume, in fact she's just about as easy going and giving as possible. Elizabeth however is another story... she wants to do things on her schedule (if she really wants to do anything at all), and I'm often on her to do as she's told, take care of things, not lose things, etc. Still, they both fry me out at times.

But now they are both teenagers, you can talk to them, they understand logic. They're both beautiful, and if you explain to them what's going on, they can grasp what and why and how things are going to work... and I love being around them.

Like the storm which is causing me to get drowsy as I lay here, it seems that kids are a chance to be amazed and jarred and frightened. But if you take a deep breath, and let yourself relax, the storm can bring you peace, and in the end you're much better off.

So keep your chin up Awesome Alex! I see your TV Challenge as an opportunity for you! On the surface, you're going to be so busy trying to find ways to keep that little boy busy that eventually you may even write a book: '1001 ways to give your toddler a creative outlet and keep them busy that won't destroy your house'... and if you use that title, I want a dedication, if only for irony's sake.

The last 8 years went by in a blink, the next 8 will go by even faster, and you'll miss these days someday... and like waking up after a storm, you know you'll feel better for them. Totally worth it.

each day a little crazier

remember when life was simple?

this kid my niece hangs out with told me his parents were being really mean to him because they cut him off from his computer. he's 15, and he's thinking of moving out. really?

i remember a time when my friends and i could get by on $30 worth of beer and gas for a long weekend, when we didn't worry about oil spills, credit ratings, car payments, or how we compared to our neighbors. when men weren't in a rush to have the best to show off, and women weren't in a rush to tie on to the man who had the best. when a good night could be had at nearly any location at any time of year, as long as you were with the right people.

i had one friend then who was wound really tight - ironically, he's the one who's generally most relaxed in my world now. now i have people who are so insistent on their pride that they are willing to do away with their entire group of friends to make a point, i know women who so want to fit in with their friends that they'll marry someone they're not that in to, i know men who will spend any amount of money to be a big deal... even if they don't have it, and haven't almost a million times over.

but again, i can't be the only one right - so maybe i'm the one who's wrong here. for what its worth, i do love them all. on some level, i know most of them will still be there for me, they still call to see how things are going if they havent seen me in person in a while, they still ask about my family and my dreams. not all of course, everyone knows someone who doesn't invest in others - they will claim they do, but they can give it up easily, so really, they didn't. my friends are those who invest, and wonder, and hope, and reach out.

i have the greatest friends in the world.

i don't

a friend of mine shared an article with me from Newsweek:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/06/11/i-don-t.html

shocking - the details in black & white. and worst of all, i'm not even someone who opposes marriage i'm all for marriage contrary to what people may assume from my behaviour.

my problem with marriage, it's what makes the modern marriage. it's the ego problems and insecurity and jealousy and immaturity that cause problems for people that lead to (according to the article) SIXTY PERCENT of married people having sex with someone else - that, on top of the better than 50% divorce rate the CDC found (sited in a previous blog).

from there, its the reasons why people get married. i've recently had someone tell me they were marrying someone because the two of them had both discussed where they were in life, and they were both in a place to marry, so they would marry each other. what? not that they were dying to spend the rest of their lives with each other - they just both wanted to be married. yeah... that's dedication.... what happens when one of them decides they don't want to be married anymore - or worse, when one decides they just don't want to be married to that other person and have that person around every single day all day for the REST OF TIME... hmm... fail.

it's hard enough for people who are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives committed to one person in particular to be around that person all the time, how are you going to do it when that person isn't the reason for the commitment?

and from there the independence, the life you want vs what they want, the little details where ego and views weigh in. where little things like the guy getting lazy and the woman putting on weight cause people who seemed SO dedicated to suddenly secretly claim to their friends that they're going to bail if things reach a certain point.

of course, there are the paranoid - the ticking clocks, one quoted as saying that a woman over 40 is more likely to get killed by a terrorist than get married. i'm not sure which of those two is the worse option... i mean really, with life expectancies high, do you want to be trapped into a marriage for marriage's sake for FORTY years? thats a lot of complaining and anguish and inability to go out and get a break with your friends because the other people are insecure.

over the last few months, not 1 but SIX women in my life got engaged. My sister, my cousin, my ex, my friend, and another ex... and another friend. Two of those women had been with the guy for years and had basically resolved to stay with them forever with or without the ring without concern for having children with that person or not. Two of them are getting married for marriage sake (tick tock!). One is a woman in her mid 20's who has been with the same guy for years, and one is a woman in her mid 20's who had been dating her guy for a couple months.

we're all smart enough here to do the math and figure out where each of these is going to fall in the 60%/50%+ mish-mash. the numbers are clear, however, i'm betting they all think they're part of a pure sample set of bliss.

as the article recognizes, the feminist movement can be blamed for a lot of the problems facing marriage today. i actually think feminism on some level is a good thing, i really think women can and should be seen as equals. however, no relationship is ever purely equal, its a fact of basic life & psychology, eventually, someone has to have the upper hand and the other being has to deal with it. in that somewhere is compromise.

but that doesn't seem to be the norm anymore. everyone needs their status or their ego or to fit in with the other soccer moms and partying execs or whatever group they spend their time with.

on some level, its ironic, that in the search for independence there's still a rush to be with someone. how about we all chill out until we find someone we just want to be with - and then just be with them? the marriage, for all its excitement, is really just a one day event probably ruined when a drunken groomsman accidentally mentions the groom's ex in a toast. who cares about a party? Life isn't measured in breaths, but by the moments that take your breath away... and those are going to be hard to come by without someone really special.

get your tech p2

ok... so, now you've created your account with Google, this part is a must...

and, hopefully you got one with a decent user ID, you have a decent computer, and you have a smartphone of some kind (Blackberry, iPhone, Android). maybe, you also setup an account with Yahoo!

now, let's get involved... we're going to cover two ideas from this point: finding others, and communication. why find others? let's say there are 2 kinds of people to find: those you already know or knew... and those who may have information you need.

people you already know or knew: a few years ago my mother (who is one of 13 sisters) was talking about her wedding, and i asked who was her maid of honor back in 1967. in the end, it wasn't her sister, in fact it was a woman who she was great friends with, but who moved away when her husband was transferred. back in the 1970's and even the 80's people lost touch - phone calls from one side of a county were long distance and expensive, now they are free across the countRy. so, they lost touch... enter, super-son.

with a little knowledge (last thought to be living in DC, and the name of her husband), i hit the search engines, anywho, and so forth - and i found her. days later they were on the phone laughing and talking about the children and grandchildren and catching up. sadly, mom's maid of honor died a few years later, but she was so happy to again have the chance to catch up.

now, mom is 76 years old, her situation is somewhat of a challenge. however, anyone under born after 1970 (and in many cases, 1950), is going to be more active normally. so, let's think about who you may want to find. for me, it was two women i dated, one was easily found, the other a little more of a challenge.

the first gal moved home to go back to school in Virginia, i had an email address and an old phone number, IM info, a location... and the rumor that she got married, but really hadn't spoken to her in nearly a decade. Enter Facebook. It was with Facebook that I was able to contact her and not go through the odd awkward contacting her parents or possibly calling and getting a husband on the phone. we have now caught up! she is married to a guy who seems to be a really cool dude and they have two kids. after finding each other we email or tweet back and forth publicly... I make this point to show that while I can understand wanting to avoid the awkward call to an ex, there were no secret conversations after contact was made. We email, tweet publicly, I post to her blog, and if we lived in the same town I'd even hope to meet for dinners or lunches with him knowing. I don't expect people to use the internet for shady connections.

the second gal moved across the country after high school, she's the one who caused this series of blog entries. i had next to nothing, i wasn't even sure where she was - PLUS, her last name while far from complex, was also often misspelled, but kinda common. in that, i found a few people with her name - with both spellings - but none were her. Enter Facebook, again. Her brother i found through a chain of people, and I emailed him asking for her contact information - but he didn't reply. he did however, pass the message along that i was looking for her, and that's really the key. remember - some people may not want to be found! and, their reasons may be shady, but people have the right to live their lives however they want... just like its up to you to decide if you'll keep talking to them if you realize they are doing it secretly.

so... for people born after 1970 - Facebook is key. other valuable tools, sites like anywho.com... and think about he person in question & what they may be involved with. in my mom's case, all i had was some names and a 30 year old location, but the first friend i found has an online blog with her married name all over it, plus she's part of her college alumni club, and had other involvements that gave her a presence online.

and this brings up the real point of all this - getting involved. if you're this far along, you have your Google account, and you may have used that gmail address to sign up for Facebook and Twitter. HEY - just because you sign up doesn't mean you have to check in every day, some people check in monthly, but why not? be proud of your life!

i know a gal who gets all worked up if the men she's dating don't change their relationship info on social sites like Facebook, now she's engaged, but there are no pics of her and the guy online, and no mention of it on her page (isn't she proud?). she will say its unimportant and that she has better things to do than waste the 45 seconds it would take to show off her most recent accomplishment, after all, the dog she got made it, but apparently the engagement isn't an important life detail - but it certainly was important when she was looking at the pages of the men she was dating. people want to know, and most people should be proud of their lives. put up pics of yourself, show people how you've barely aged, the dog you've had since it was a puppy, your kids, and so on. don't be shady like the woman i mention here, if you're going to get involved - get involved, you don't have to tell your life story with dental records, but cover the basics and be proud of your life - someone may be looking for you too!

which brings us to the second part - communication! there is first and foremost, email. but also you can email within sites: Facebook and some bulletin boards have email systems within themselves, in fact, you will often be notified via email, when you have email on one of those systems.

then, there's 'chat', also known as 'instant messaging'. this is a system where a window opens and you type in it, whatever you type in gets sent to the other person and pops up on their screen instantly. in my experience the Yahoo! Messenger system seems to be the one most commonly used, and since you may have gotten an account with Yahoo!, you would have the ability to use that system already, you just need to download and install Yahoo! Messenger software.

now, you wonder why - well, to talk to people! once you're reconnected with them, you can talk to them! if you reconnect via Facebook its easy, you can talk in real time there - if not, and they have an Instant Messaging system use that. People with Apple computers have AOL's IM system built in with the iChat program - use it!

then lastly Twitter - this one is a little advanced. twitter is where people throw out random thoughts all day and all night, in 140 characters or less. for example, I just tweeted something random about how the heat was killing me. you can tweet anything, and people may reply or not... you can't be concerned about who you're talking to, you're talking to the world. now, you can also 'protect' your tweets, so only your authorized friends can see them. yeah, be that paranoid, because you're close friends didn't know something you should keep to yourself, so you tweeted it to them? either you aren't that close, or you have control issues. Twitter is not the place to discuss the intricate details of your finances or home life. but, it is the place to say, "hoping to travel to this place, anyone recommend a good hotel?". again, like with Facebook, grow up, learn how to handle life, don't rely on the site's security to protect you.... and if you're not relying on the site but your own wisdom to know what to put online - then, leave your tweets public. bear in mind that your reading the tweets of someone you have interest in for their knowledge may apply to you in some way as well.

ok, the heat really is killing me - more to come later... from here we're going to cover sharing media. Be prepared to spend money on a camera if your phone isn't good enough. We're going to share pics of your life online! PS - Chrissy, can't believe you tweeted a link to my blog... god love ya.

get your tech on

Recently I was reconnected with a friend I hadn't spoken to in 15 years - 15 years!

KEB came back into my life with a 2 page handwritten letter, after which we talked on the phone at length. I commented on my inability to find her over the years, especially with the internet... anyone can be found online with enough work: Facebook and Twitter alone can make easy work of finding someone, then there are services like Intelius if you're willing to pay to find people (and do background checks). With those are ways of fine tuning searches if you know where and how to look, professional sites like Plaxo & LinkedIn can provide the same benefit as Facebook, and even sites you wouldn't expect can do so and more. For example, I have nearly 100 albums in Picasa, which does face recognition and links to people in my address book. Anyone in my Picasa could be found and in that, a method to reconnect.

As long as someone isn't the kind of person who hides everything online and goes out of their way to hide what should be unimportant details, you should be able to find something they are involved in and thus a way to reconnect. If not, they're either a paranoid who's probably not very trustworthy, or, they are one of the rare few who have somehow avoided the internet.

KEB was one of the latter. She had an email address, but that was it. She had a laptop, but never learned how to use it well. And, she had a boyfriend she was eager to get rid of who didn't like the idea of their lives being online... shocker, he's a cheater. After years of letting her codependence control what she did with life, she wanted to get on the information superhighway - and into the fast lane. Ironically, her reconnection with me was perfectly timed.

After the last 2 weeks of helping her with this, I thought it would make a good write up. No matter where you stand with the internet, I think these tools can help. I'm going to consider the 'standard' to be Apple's MobileMe service and iLife. It provides online storage, email, web space, blog space, Photo organization and gallery, a calendar for scheduling your life, a contact management system, and mobile connectivity.

First, get a Google account... sign up for Gmail. Even if you have an email account that you've been using for over a decade, sign up with Google. You don't have to use it for the email address - think outside the box - it's not just email we're going for here. Within Google is everything someone could need, email with gmail, webspace with google sites, blog space with blogger.com, a youtube account to share videos, Picasa to organize and share photos, a calendaring system, a contact system, and access from mobile devices via Exchange connectors.

The best part - its free. At this point, you have the infrastructure in place to do almost anything.

I would also recommend getting a Yahoo! account, and use the same name for that that you used for your Gmail account. Why? Its just easier that way. And don't be stupid with your account names - make them something you can use that's short and easy. Examples:

Initials and last name: flast@yahoo.com

Last name and birth year: last81@gmail.com

...and so on.

From here, now we need to know what you have now, and what you want to do.

KEB had a year old laptop and a 5 year old flip phone with a VGA camera. The laptop works, the phone needed to be replaced. I'm a mac guy, and in that I like iPhone. However, as PCs are to Macs, Android is to iPhone - and Android was designed by Google. So find a carrier your like (I would assume your current carrier is good) and see what they have that is Android based... or if you're with AT&T, consider iPhone.

Yes, this will cost you a few hundred dollars and increase your cell phone bill. BUT, some of the newer Android based phones like Nexus1 (AT&T and T-Mobile), Droid Incredible (Verizon) and the EVO 4G (Sprint) are crazy with features. The EVO has and 8mp camera!

Once you have a smartphone, get in sync. Get your computers and your phones connected so they keep their information in 'the cloud'. You should be able to check your email on your computers and your phone, setup your calendars for the same access, and your contacts lists as well. Any changes you make on one device, should be reflected in other devices - because the information isn't kept on the computer or phone, its kept online.

At this point, I'm going to take a break - maybe I'll continue on or I won't... I've been blogging a lot lately because I've had a lot on my mind and find it cathartic. I may have a great day and never come back... but, from here we're going to sign up for various websites, get more equipment, network a little, organize our media, and get life online.

If you're the kind of person who's worried about people knowing too much about you, face the reality that probably, no one really cares, get over yourself and learn to enjoy. If you're worried about criminals and ex-lovers, you have to remember to not let bad people impact you... and do things in general terms and ways. For example: I live in either Kirkwood, Missouri or Elmhurst, Illinois, and as I'm writing this I can tell you that I'll be bouncing between both locations all summer. Does this leave me exposed to stalkers or burglars? No, I haven't given anyone my address, my schedule, or the schedule of those in my life who also come & go from my homes.

From here, when I get back, if I get back, we're going to get on some sites and get around, and then archive life online.

consider me out - I'm GAY

I'm gay.

not really, and no one reads this anyway, but on the off chance that some random person from wherever has some thoughts on this, please feel free to email me.

I'm not really gay but I'm attempting to recognize what it would be like to publicly say it - so there it is, at the top, enough to get the word out. Now, does it matter?

Not to me, and not to any of my friends (I don't think). We have gay men in our circle of friends, I have a friend in another city who's a lesbian, a local director I love working with and respect in many ways is not only gay; he's married and an activist - and I'm proud to know him.

So... what's the big deal?

I have a friend who everyone (but me) is convinced is gay. People gossip about his behaviour and comment about how it's because he's gay. His sister contacts me to help her and his mother with various issues regarding him, and apparently they both think he's gay. Old friends who used to hang out with him a lot think it, new friends think it... I just think the guy is depressed.

Then, today he made the decision to effectively end his relationship with nearly everyone he regularly socializes with because of one person he doesn't like and claims to not care about... yet he's allowing the chance this person may be somewhere to control where he goes. And now, who he'll be friends with. This does not make a man gay.

However, for the last few years he has obsessively monitored me, what I do with my time, who I socialize with, right down to whoever is listed as a Facebook friend. And, when I claimed to him that I get to control what happens on my Facebook page, he decided he was unable to be my friend, again. Yes, this has happened many times in the past, to the point where I've had to accuse him of stalking me. His explanation: well, when you feel someone is trying to dupe you, you want to catch them. And, that makes sense, but I wouldn't have to try to dupe him if he didn't put odd rules on me, and only me.

I don't know how long this will last. He recently spent time with 3 people who have all stated to me that they think he's gay. Two really, one guy didn't care... which is kind of my end point, but in the end, one of them was a woman who is having trouble getting over a breakup. When I suggested she date my friend, she laughed, because... well, he's gay. "He may not know it yet, but I'm not going to marry a guy so he can figure it out later!"

The other woman recently commented on his quiet, placid state, his mannerism and ways of speaking, and most importantly (to her) his lacking activity and effort toward others. I pointed out plenty of examples in an attempt to disagree... to which she pointed out the effort was basic, and directed at me - so, he must be gay.

In the end, his recent experience with these people did not end well. Maybe this is the root of his anger.

I make the point time and again to everyone who says these things that I have plenty of guy friends, friends who I spend tons of time with, friends who I travel with, friends who are generous to me, friends who I'm always around. Apparently other people find his attention to me different - how so? The only difference is how he reacts to one issue which doesn't even involve me really, he probably just wants someone to support him.

No one does.

So, today, I said to him after his actions, "no one agrees with you, everyone else can't be crazy, you can't be the one person who's right". He obsesses over this 10 year old issue and carries it on, so that with each day that other people move on with life and he sits stagnate, he gets angry and blames others for all he has missed because he doesn't want to be around this person he hates. His focus on this person and the issues related to him appear to be paramount in life, as it has caused him to miss out on countless events, and now remove himself from the lives of most of the people he knows.

I'm sure he thinks he's standing up for himself, he doesn't see how it makes him look nor that most people would respect him for getting over it. Most people just want to get along.

But, he thinks he's right about his issues. I think I'm right about his orientation. Ugh.

So, today I've lost a friend, again. He may get bored of sitting alone at a nearby bar, a 40 year old man sucking down bar food with 4-6 drinks per sitting. He may want some conversation, but at times I can't talk to him anymore. The topic, is almost just as bad.

Hopefully, this will at least blow over as it usually does... not permanently, but for a while, and I'll get my friend back. I am growing tired of losing friends, especially knowing the reasons are empty. He's not the first I've lost this year, the other still sneaks in a conversation with me if I put in all the effort, and now I'm putting in all the effort with him.

Now I must sit and debate... should I care about anything or anyone who doesn't care back?