ginger-man, super hero. he makes us look bad.

i knew a girl in high school who was quite a pistol, but hadn't seen her since my sophomore year, which was roughly around when i met Dan Duffy.

Dan is a man i've known for almost 30 years.  i've traveled to some of the world's biggest shitholes with Dan, we have partied and prayed together.  from a family of red-heads, i'm the outcast brown-headed stepchild his mother relentlessly loves on as if i am one of her own.

i know Dan well enough to tell you that his exuberance can be painful - everything is the BEST, he is so sweet when talking about his wife and kids that i feel the onslaught of diabetes, and his dedication to everything happy makes me want to regularly file a complaint for the repeal of his man-card.  he is the definition of disgustingly positive... and in my sarcastic mind it often causes me to roll my eyes.

he was born in Ireland, moved to St. Louis, and grew up here. i met him at JFK on our way to Europe on a tour.  from there our friendship continued even though we went to different schools and followed different paths.  his was more straight and narrow, mine was a little more wild.  i chose to make school a career, he wanted a career and for that he went to school.  Vancouver Film School actually, where he did very well, and his insistence on having my personality in his films is effectively what caused my acting career.

now living back in St. Louis, he is a successful film producer.  he is married to a beautiful red-headed woman (who i introduced him to), and they have two red-headed kids.  

in fact, let me stop for a moment and mention to his wife:  Stephanie, at some point in the future, if you come down to start your day, and your find your boys looking out the back window to see me asleep and floating on a raft in your pool wearing only the tequila bottle that rests over my crotch...  remain calm.  as you make your way around what appears to be a stolen car, and step over the college girls sleeping in a mix of delusion & whipped cream, take a deep breath.  so that just before you unload on me for what may possibly be construed as irresponsible behavior, you remember, that YOU OWE ME, because i'm the reason you met that guy... and, your mother-in-law loves me... and you think my mom is a saint (who you wouldn't want to see cry)...  and maybe - just maybe, everyone would be better off with waffles instead of violence.

anyway, when Dan's not making films, editing copy, or meeting with clients he runs a charity he created about cancer survivorship called The Half Fund.

Dan survived cancer, and being the positive soul he is, in the wake of his battle he created an outlet for others to express the joy of success against cancer in a world where most of us only see the negative.

he is always trying to see and be the positive.

yesterday that woman i knew in high school passed away, six years ago she was a nurse and wife and mother to a one year old girl, and she found out she had breast cancer.  they gave her 2 years, but she decided that wouldn't be enough.  she insisted that she had to last long enough for her daughter to remember her.  

and i'm not going to use her name as most of you won't know her, and i don't want to give others who may notice her name a reason to inquire and harass those close to her, when they need to heal. 

but she beat breast cancer... then she beat cancer again... then she beat brain cancer, then bone, then something in her spine, then something behind her eye... she was a warrior.

recently, during a routine scan to make sure nothing had come back, something had.

her daughter was now 7.

i was 'friends' with this woman on Facebook, but like many of the 'friends' we keep online... we never talked to or speak of, barely noticed each other, and just kept the union to answer the wonder about where those from our past had landed in life.  she still kept a circle of girlfriends which i had known from years ago as well.  and when news of the return of cancer got to me i asked one of them what had happened.  i was told that it was bad, and that this warrior had made it far enough to be locked in her daughters memory, but wouldn't have long before she was gone.

her friends, angels really, all rallied around her.  they each were taking turns staying with her at night, helping around the house, and most importantly to her, they were helping her write letters for her daughter to receive in the future.

imagine that - imagine being a parent and knowing you would not be there for your child at it's key moments, imagine not being able to cheer your child on, imagine knowing your child would feel you missing.

enter Dan Duffy.

not willing to let cancer win all it could, Dan stepped in.  he didn't even know this woman.

Dan Duffy loaded up his professional equipment, made his way to this woman's home, greeted her with his goofy smile, and used his tools and his talent to give this woman the chance to talk to her daughter at the key points in the future that she will miss.

her body and appearance changed from the dramatic impact of the disease, she decided she did not want to be on camera, so he pointed it at the wall, set up the boom mic, then sat on the couch next to her, and listened to every word she said... and when she would get lost in her thoughts, he would talk to her and ask her about things she would want to tell her daughter.

Dan helped this woman record the notes she had written to her daughter, so her daughter would hear her mother tell her (from her) how great she is on her 16th birthday.  

Dan is the reason this little girl will some day get to hear the story of her own birth, and who her mother was, from her mother.

Dan is the reason her daughter will hear her mother tell her how beautiful she is on her wedding day. 

Dan is the reason that her daughter will hear words from her mother when she has her own babies.

Dan is the reason that for the rest of time, her daughter will always be able to look pictures of the two of them and hear her mother tell her how much she is loved.

how do i know this?  i was there, i saw it happen.  i saw Dan carry in his equipment, and work around her needs.  i was hiding in a stairwell, but i saw Dan cry with this woman and her friends, i saw Dan put in the effort, and i heard Dan leave talking about how this woman was a champion.

it was Dan who after editing the video so the backdrop would show a slideshow of mother and daughter together told me, "thank God i'm alone in an office with blinds i can close and a locked door, because I've sobbed more in the last week while editing this for her, than i have in the last 10 years" - and he meant it - Dan felt FOR her.

if you're reading this, you may know me.  you're here at my blog... you may have seen my Facebook Page or found this via my Twitter Account... I'm no Dan Duffy.  but when i see him in action, i am inspired to be.

YOU should be to.

while the rest of us roam the planet with a protective layer of apathy shielding us from the unpleasantness of life, Dan Duffy has proven that even when facing great sadness, something can be done to make the world a better place.  maybe it can't be made perfect again, but something can be done to make it a little better.  he has proven we just need to do what we can.  we just need to give where we feel.

we just need to feel, fearlessly.

not for ourselves - for others.  i can list out plenty of people who are always having their feelings hurt, people who are angry, people who cry because they don't get enough attention, people who do and say elaborate things so they can feel something better about themselves.  Dan doesn't do that.  Dan feels for others.

he's not perfect.  he's that guy who's ok with his kids playing on baseball teams where they don't keep score... i want to kick him in his nut for stuff like that.  i can say that, he's like a brother to me.

but in the big picture he's what the world needs more of.  people who are willing to DO when they can, and then actually DO.  not talk, not cut a check, not have meetings about what others will do, actually DO.

Dan did.  he did it with little lead time.  he did it fast because things like this won't wait for us to get make space on a schedule.  he did it because it had to be done, for someone else.

ASK YOURSELF if you would - or even could - be this person.  you tell the world what kind of person you are with how you handle others, how you handle your schedule, how you DO and impact lives.  i know people who avoid friends when they have sadness, people who have used 'prior commitments' to skip out on funerals, people who expect their siblings to deal with their parents in failing health because they claim they can't afford the time or money... but they really just don't want to.  

because it's hard, and it's painful.

and while we all know these people, there's some of that inside each of us, so we gossip about their shortcomings and look down on them privately, but we let it go because a lot of us are inches from doing the same.  

Dan Duffy did the opposite... and really, he didn't do it for his aged parent, or sick lifelong friend, he did it for a stranger.  yes, her cause was something he has a deep interest in, as a cancer survivor and parent, he could empathize, and he doesn't do this daily.  this is not the only thing i've known Dan to do, Dan has gone overseas to help charities and helped in national campaigns, but the little things count, and for some people have a greater impact.  he may never do this again, but let's face it, he will do something of this caliber again, and again.

and he will do it and expect ZERO recognition.  he may tell his wife what he did with his day, he may blog about it if only to tell someone else's story... he may even vent a little to someone to get out from under the stress the moment brings - but nothing more.

would you?  

the women who rallied around their friend for the last six years are angels.  certifiably, broad-winged, halo wearing angels.  the night before she left us, one of them sent me a text update about her and joked about "dying is hard work!"  but they didn't care, they wanted to do it, they wanted to be there for her.

we would all be lost without our friends, and this group of friends should know how great they are.  they are the definition of friend, they aren't 'friends' like we have on Facebook, they are not the 'friends' we only see at parties, they are the real friends, the ones who we hope we never have to rely on - but we can... from helping her take last trips with her daughter, to changing bedpans, these women are better than most of us - and Dan would be upset if i didn't point that out.

it takes a lot to give up your time and carry your lifelong friend through sickness, and the love these women carry in their hearts should not go unnoticed, they should be lauded, cheered, carried on our shoulders... but they want none of that.  that's what really makes them all great, they do it, they don't complain, and they don't want anyone to notice.

Dan will be the first one to point out that he gave just hours to help a woman do something for her daughter - where these women gave their time for years.

and they did.

but i think it's important that we also recognize the man who didn't know her, and just wanted to make the world a better place, and did something that will last forever and impact a life.

unless she reads this, Marie Duffy may never know her son did this.  for him, this is just what he did one day.

he blogged about it, only to celebrate how great this woman was - and if you ask him about his efforts, he will probably blow it off and tell you about the friends, who were there for their friend for years and how they were angels.

i know Dan Duffy, and trust me, he's no angel.  but Dan Duffy is an epic hero.

Tell Dan your thoughts - Click Here

privacy - you already don't have any

i get a lot of comments about my use of social media... more often than not it's just comments, but sometimes (when it involves others) it questions privacy.

an example would be: i go out for the evening, and the people i'm with all group together for a photo, then i post this picture online to Twitter or Facebook or something like that... then someone else may ask, "are you sure those other people want the world knowing they were there?"

on some level, it's a fair question.  but my first thought is simply that a person should be leading a life where their location and activities shouldn't matter.  being caught out with your buddies and their girlfriends at a bar when your wife thinks you're at the office... or if your coworkers see the same pictures and realize how big a jackass you are... meh... these are problems of your dishonesty on some level, and if you're life is really clean, this is really more paranoia.

at the same time, i know people who have real problems, violent ex-relationships, estranged family members who harass them, or entertainers who's fan base is at times pushy.  while a lot of us would like to think we have to be concerned so we can avoid someone judging our new outfit or being caught with the wrong woman - these people have real privacy issues.

ok, so as you think about it - you're not a Hollywood starlet, you don't cheat on your spouse, you don't act the fool, you shouldn't care what people think of your new outfit... so where's the problem?

the problem is in the machine.  not Facebook, not Twitter, not Instagram.  the problem is not with your babysitter who posts pictures of your child, the problem is not your buddy who shares his location online.  these people could stop what they are doing and you are still being tracked.

sure, your babysitter or your buddy can hold some of the blame.  social media harvests data in epic ways, and that data is not held just in their systems as they would like you to believe.  data mines are sold and shared regularly to other businesses, and they don't care (click here to read Google's opinion on your privacy) - there are NO REGULATIONS on this in the United States... there are however laws that limit the government's use of this information.  however, it still happens, as shown in this article from Wired.

but it's much more than that - so much more that really, social media is far from the reason your life is no longer private.  social media catches the heat because that's where people draw most of their online drama.  but really, having someone know you got a new girlfriend and she's your buddy's ex is not real problems.  real problem will happen later when your credit score is impacted or you are unable to use your email because of all the spam you receive after you visited a car dealership to get an oil change and the machine made some assumptions.

after 9/11 the federal government mandated that all cell phones sold in the United States have GPS systems in them.  from that, geo-location services were created.  the tech inclined started to use the GPS to create 'geoloc' services and systems so people could share their location 24/7 with friends for fun or for safety.

geoloc systems are great and they are completely safe for the average user.  i have friends who's devices are constantly telling me where they are - you can't see that information, but i can, because they have granted me that permission.  with that, my nieces are also showing up on my maps, because they are teenage girls being raised by a working single mother, and someone should always know where they are.  and, i have a handful of clients who share their location with one person - me - by their own choice, they realized that someone should know where they are at all times (while not wanting that information shared with someone who would regularly look and question their activities).  somewhere in all this is the balance between sharing, and privacy.

but - modern corporations are also using this information to track you.  Microsoft, Apple, Google, Amazon, and many more - they create the software on your phone, then they store that information and use it to market to you... and more.

in the 2002 movie 'Minority Report', Tom Cruise runs through a city where advertisements are changing for each user who walks by - and in 2013, Intel Corporation is already marketing systems to do just that.  in fact, one of my fellow consultants was asked to join a team of corporate innovators who wanted to do that same thing.

and in all this you think - "I'm not one of those people, I live simple, I'm not online, I don't do the Facebook and the Tweeter and the posting pictures online".

actually, you do.

one of my clients and his wife avoid social media in general, and while he likes tech-toys, he doesn't use social media and she barely uses a cell phone which is turned off and shelved the instant she gets home from work.  they are safe, right?  wrong.  her children post pictures of her on Facebook, her work has an email system, his nephews post pictures while visiting their vacation home, and they both shop online.

these are good people, they spend most of their free time at home or golfing, and periodically travel.  they aren't living in the limelight, they aren't being followed by paparazzi or ex-relationships, and they are almost always together when not at work - so why the concern?  and who cares if the marketing machines customize ads for them?

it's not about the ads - it's about the information.

information catalogs are being harvested online constantly - it is possible for someone to look up information on you on a level that would shock you.  you may think you're not online, but you are - your company photo posted to the company website is probably linked to your name.  your name was used when your friend emailed you from her Yahoo! account. she has emailed you many times, and in those emails are plans to go to certain places and may mention other people who you are now linked to.  those people shop online... and the chain goes on and on.

if you think this isn't happening, check out this map from the MIT Immersion project, which (with permission) will show you how email services like my Google system can analyze email:

(click the above photo for a better view)

email systems like Gmail, Yahoo! email, Apple's iCloud, or Microsoft's Exchange system are used to connect you and your information to others.  shown above is a map of everyone who emails me, how often, and how they were connected to me and others.  it's not a perfect science, as i look at it i see people who aren't connected that should be, and those same people are connected to those who they have no relation to... and why?   because something held them together electronically.  people who email me rarely, or were part of replies are still noticed, and so is that content.

if you're someone who emails me and you see your name above, you'll probably notice that for most of you there are lines and color coding that shows which circle of friends you're part of, the computer uses this analysis to define how we met, how often you contact me, and who else you're associated with.

don't believe me?  feel free to try it yourself - https://immersion.media.mit.edu/

somewhere behind all this, is also the analysis of what you buy, where you go, and what you do with your time.  and don't think living off the grid and only using cash solves this problem unless you plan to never leave home - the computers are biometrically tracking you as well.

think it impossible?  feel free to watch this report from 60 Minutes about the use of facial recognition software and data mining in the United States today:


as shown in the report, students have managed to modify a toy that flies around and identifies people by their face.  this information can be linked to the information found online and your history continues.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

almost nothing.

you can have some common courtesy and understand what is going on.  for example: my map above doesn't include any complete names, and is an image of circles, so i'm not violating anyone's privacy here.  odds are no one knows who 'Gavin' or 'KC' are, and if you do you have no reason to care that they emailed me or how much.  i try to consider these things when i post things publicly online.

with common courtesy to others, should also be some understanding that others may not get it.  if your friend has your kids at a pizza place and takes a picture of all of them playing together and later posts it online tagging you in it so you'll notice, they may think they are sharing a fun picture, and may not consider the possible ramifications.

and really, most of us should be living lives where none of this matters.  the younger generations today are already of the understanding that there is no longer any privacy, and the few who haven't learned it yet are regularly embarrassing themselves on social media.  my only concern from this is that we may be raising a generation of people who lead clean lives or become experts in lies and deception.  so if you're a parent, second guess your kids regularly, and watch their online posts.

in the end, the general consensus amongst those in 'the know' is that our privacy is over.  you may be able to ask others not to share information about you, and some will listen, but that won't stop your computer at work or the security cameras at the mall, and probably won't stop your kids who don't think for a minute that it will matter if they post a picture of dad online.

it is my opinion that the best of us will try to understand it, and maybe embrace it a little.  we all do already, we have the email, we have the cell phones, we aren't going to stop using them.  the time has come for us all to grow some thicker skin, take a deep breath, and let go of any desire we have to hide - because it's going to be torn away from us no matter what.

most of the people in my world are good and honest people, and even some of those carry the burden of being judged in the past... in that, they want to keep their lives to themselves.  it makes sense on some level, no one wants to be judged, and no one should be unsafe with their information.  but most of these systems have controls in place.  like the geolocation systems i mentioned at the beginning of this, most provide some level of security from others.

but do not forget that big brother is watching, and someone you know may be better friends with him than you are.

communication

you don't communicate well...

you're reading this, and you're already bored.  you saw this link online somehow, and you're already wondering how long it will take me to get to the punchline.

i commend you for getting this far, but the reality is that most of us aren't interested in long explanations, we have become what the media complains about - fast.  we seek instant gratification, i say 'we' because i'm just as bad as anyone else.

we now live in a society where fabulous outweighs talented, where screams outweigh need, where everything happens fast and people want it faster.

what we've lost is communication - REAL communication.

when was the last time you explained your real feelings to someone?  when was the last time you did it in person?

emailing someone lots of 'i love you!' messages is normal these days, but when was the last time you sat with them, and told them why.  communicated it to them - showed them.

this doesn't apply to men you're hoping to get a ring from, or women you're hoping to lay - this applies to someone you're friends with, or someone who's family.  there are relationships we overlook because of our need for fast, and the shield we put up so we don't have to deal with rejection or take the time to deal with unpleasantness.

and the best part of it all is that each of us wants to believe we are pulling it off... when we all know that people see through the minutia of love emails and texts and posts.  but sticking with the lies is easier, so we press on.

friends you've had a disagreement with don't get to hear you say, "i'm sorry, i didn't see things that way because..." and then friendships are lost.  and why?  because it takes time to explain how you feel, and worse, you may have to lower your guard and look (or feel) like a fool.  "i'm sorry, i didn't... come to your party because my ex might have been there, and they've moved on to find someone else, and lately i've felt really alone and i just couldn't face them right now" - this completely explains how you feel, but leaves everything open, your soul, and your friendship.  they could reply with, "get over it!  it's been years since you two were seeing each other!"  but then you wouldn't have your feelings validated, and you're more hurt and alone - why risk it, right?

if you go to your parent and tell them, "i love you, but i feel uncomfortable because..." they may reply with something you don't want to hear... so we don't talk to our parents.  telling your parents that it bothers you to see them age is actually understandable, but it's something everyone has to deal with.  avoiding it just makes you look like a brat, like the adult child who wants everyone to think of them as a responsible adult, but really sidesteps things because she can't handle them.  worse are grandchildren, who always come up with a social need of epic importance in an effort to avoid their difficult  grandparent in declining health.  parents are then forced to communicate unpleasantness and deal with the resulting feeling that the child won't take care of them when they are in the same situation later in life - why risk it, right?

we have to learn to take risk again - we have to learn to tell the truth and express ourselves and work through the feelings we have.

the issues above are personal and close to us... but they have morphed into worse.  in these are the feelings we randomly throw out there socially.  the ego, the attitude, the unneeded emotion and commentary we use to quickly resolve a need.  we post comments online, we email, we text, but as issues draw closer to us, we do it in a fashion that keeps some distance from the truth.

people don't 'date' anymore... they text.  people don't 'hangout' anymore... they skype.  people don't 'experience' anymore... they google.  people don't 'share' anymore... they post.  and in all this is a loss of communication.

then, we cover it all up with mis-communication.  we skype about the things we learned on google like we've experienced them... then we post about things we skyped about, all while holding someone at bay via text instead of that date - because we were 'too busy' skyping and googling.

eventually things will fall apart... friendships dwindle as people understand each other less, parents make excuses out of embarrassment regarding the children who email 'i love you' but never want to be there for them or help them with grandparents, and life experience is lost in general to our passive modern methods of communication.

we don't own our mistakes anymore, we don't own our flaws, we get around them... then if confronted we panic, we throw out excuses about 'busy' and other drama to avoid... then we have to avoid more to keep the lies of mis-communication alive and avoid even more embarrassment.

it's easier to skype from our desks, and it's easier to text, and it's easier to google... but we are missing out more and more in the human experience.

if you're still reading this - color me impressed.

then ask yourself where you fall in to this.  do you tell people how you really feel?  do you communicate, or is it often a dramatic performance of expression in a panic because you're not a communicator?  do your friends know how you feel, or are you usually the one people can't get a straight answer from (who ends up with a new 'best friend' every few years)?  do your parents feel like they know you, or do they feel like they know you enough not to talk about things that will cause you to prove to them what kind of person you've become?

and sure, there is over-communication.  people don't need to know about your last trip to the bathroom, or about the epic experience you had helping your grandmother with hers.  but learn where the lines are between communication, privacy, and embarrassment.  not telling your friend you slept with their wife isn't a privacy issue, it's an embarrassment issue.

people get embarrassed about a lot.  sleeping with your friends wife should cause embarrassment... but not being there for your parents should also cause it.  being the guy who screwed up with a girl is embarrassing - being the guy who lied about her being too clingy or telling people she's a whore, when in reality you couldn't keep it together with her for some reason is just lies to cover embarrassment - it's the worst loss of communication possible.

and really, everyone sees through those things anyway... we all know it, so then we run back to skype and texting and google.

stop.

learn to communicate again.

learn to communicate with yourself, learn yourself, and then learn to be proud of yourself.  then learn to talk to people, in person, understand their feelings, and convey yours to them.

be embarrassed... life is embarrassment, it's ok.  then grow to get around what caused the embarrassment.  grow to be a better friend, grow to be a better parent, grow to be a better grandchild, grow to be someone who can think and communicate openly, grow to be someone who's life is extended via social and electronic media - not someone who's life's extent is electronic and social media.

grow - grow some balls.

communicate the truth... communicate in person... communicate with others... communicate yourself... and then enjoy the real happiness it provides.

balance

a few years ago i was lucky enough to take a trip to China.  as a country, China is exactly what the media portrays it, they don't care about who they hurt or how dirty things get, the system is most important.

however, in the history of China is something which i struggle with daily, which everyone struggles with, and if you can master it in every aspect of your life, you will find peace.  sadly, it's not something followed in China anymore...

balance.

too much of a bad thing, is obviously bad... and then there's the ironic 'too much of a good thing' aspect to deal with as well.

now, i can sit here and let you read a long drawn out philosophical view on this, but instead, i'm going to put this into real life examples.

- you take in 2000 calories a day, do you burn 2000 calories a day?

no, this is why we are fat.  this is why our country is fat.  this is why your kids are probably fat and will continue to be fat and will need to deal with epic health issues like heart disease and diabetes.  i'm not going to ramble about carbs or video games or why you have a sedentary job and i can't kick soda any more than you can stop drinking wine, but this isn't complex, and you don't have a genetic issue.

- you work 60 hours a week, do you spend that much time at play?

this one is great, people love to have an excuse as to why they work so much.  loving their job, needing to provide for family, lacking job security, trying to get ahead... all important reasons.  and all a solid path to a heart attack.  this is as much a mental thing as a time thing, if you work at your play time trying to make the best of it, you'll stress out just as much.

- you love your friends, do you make time for you family?

this can go both ways.  single people love to point out how little they see their married friends, and married people love to point out work and family as their 'excuse'.  at the same time plenty of people who are in both situations don't get to their core of family.  taking care of each other, being there for the monotonous and annoying things and so on.  your family is NOT your children.  and not having children or a spouse does not mean you don't have family.

- you know the latest in fashion, do you know your body?

i realize that not everyone sees themselves in the awesome light that i see myself in, after all, you all aren't me.  but even i know there are some things i shouldn't wear- things i'd love to wear, but things i shouldn't wear.  i'm doing my best not to point my finger at women here, as i can already hear the angry comments from the soccer moms stuffing their faces with jr's carb-laden snack mix and washing it back with another $6 bottle of Zin as they start their groans about how i have no idea what it's like.  actually, i do.  i know a rail thin therapist who specializes in eating disorders and thinks that Ashton Kutcher is the hottest man on the planet,  and is more than happy to point it out to men who don't have a lean buff bod.  i'm just smart enough not to care... or attempt to stuff myself in something originally designed for his body style then modified to fit the mass market.

- you know you like to have a good time, do you know how far to take it?

i'm the first person to say everyone should be themselves.  let me repeat that - BE YOURSELF - and be proud of that person no matter where you are.  at the same time, if you're the guy who ends up wasted on stage #3 attempting to show 'Ferrari' how to properly twerk it, then you probably need to learn some balance.  sure, when you were 22 that situation made sense... right out of college, if out at all.  when you're 42 you can be that person too, but don't be surprised when people think you're a jackass.  i have had many jackass moments to help me learn this lesson.  sadly, some people attempt to think they can do these things and then the guys will 'keep it quiet'.  no dumbass, they won't.

- you know what attracts the opposite (or same) sex, do you know what you're attracting?

i'm a guy, so i'm going to use women first, then attempt to use women.  gays & lesbians, you're on your own for this, but i'm sure you'll get the picture as the rules don't really change...  let's use boobs: show too much cleavage and you're a whore, don't show any cleavage and you're the difficult chick no one wants to suffer through.  too much leg and the only guys who talk to you are hoping for a cheap lay, don't show any leg and the only guys that will talk to you are the ones who are hoping to meet your rich father.  balance.  guys have it easier, a guy can dress modestly and women will talk to them - but guys, if you're constantly rolling through different expensive cars and watches, there's a reason why you only attract paper-chasers.  basically people, know your audience.  dress where you're comfortable, don't be afraid to take some chances, but be aware of what your comfort level tells people.

- you know how to keep your kids happy, do you know what you're raising?

i have a friend who's hard on kids, his logic is 'we are raising a generation of babies' (i'm paraphrasing as his term was a little more difficult).  i wish i could give my nieces anything they could ever want at times, luckily they aren't my kids and i can't afford to do so.  the reality of life is that it's harsh.  someone will steal from your kids, someone will reject them, someone will tell them they are ugly, someone will deny them a job or a membership or a spot on a team, and someone will break their heart.  they do need to know that their parents will always love them, but they don't need to know everything they do is always acceptable.  your child needs to learn that they have to provide for themselves, they need to learn to express themselves but not to rub it in other people's faces or be allowed to throw tantrums, and your child needs to be able to take criticism.  i know people who are a mess socially because their parents are afraid to put their foot down on little issues because they would rather have their kids be happy with them.  what?  you're the parent, you don't need their approval.

- you know how the world should work, do you know how to make it work?

everyone should have healthcare, and everyone should have free speech, and everyone should have privacy, and everyone should have happiness.  sometimes, this isn't realistic.  sometimes, some of those conflict.  we can't give everyone healthcare for free, and if you make it cheap then you pull happiness from some healthcare providers.  saying anything you want is legal, but that doesn't mean it's going to be helpful or productive.  and privacy is a great thing... until some guy wants privacy to keep new conquests from knowing he's really a man-whore and not the sweet man he's selling.  i don't know how to make things work, but honesty is a good start.

we have become a world of activists and opinions.  the greatest farce of ego is opinion, as it's usually based on emotion and history instead of facts and situation.  for example, we cannot compare the healthcare issues of everyday citizens to those who are soldiers in combat.  a responsible army cares for it's troops... and while many feel a responsible country should care for it's citizens, there is leeway for opinion which does not exist in combat.  one cannot apply their opinion fully if they have not lived through all sides and experienced the situation.  sure, people can estimate, possibly sympathize, but not empathize.

so when you look out to the world, try to act based on balance... realize that you may need to assess the situations of others, and realize that falling completely on one side of a decision may not be the best course.  calories need to be burned, children need to deal with life, parents need to tell their kids how they feel, everyone loves boobs & money, and there is no correct and one sided view of politics.

and too much of a good thing, can often be a bad thing.

answer your phone!

there has been a problem amongst a few of the people i know... they all make sure they have the latest in communications equipment, phones and computers and high speed internet connections...

but, you can never get some to answer the phone, and responses to emails or texts are at best delayed.

in a recent conversation with one of my friends who doesn't suffer from this problem we went back and forth about why this is happening.

here's what we realized first: you always got a response when trying to contact someone important.  not someone who wants you to think they are important, but someone who actually was important.  from CEO's and business leaders to doctors to people who were on the move with life and career, someone always answered the phone or responded.  now, it wasn't always them - but they weren't going to miss a call.

then we realized something else: the people least likely to take your call are the people who most wanted to appear important.  people who probably on some level realized that the important people were always in contact, so they don't respond because they are (in their mind) doing other or better or more important things.  the insecure, the people who were always trying to look good, those who more often than not were skeptical, the people with problems.

the problems... not the problems that big deal people face.  instead it's problems and running.  things they don't want to deal with.  things they can't deal with while wearing a smile.  the problems of the unhappy.  these people had a few rare people they responded to, safe people, the current best friend, the current love interest, but never anyone who didn't give them their quick fix of drama or importance.

we live in a time when people could be able to almost constantly communicate - almost to the point where it's annoying.  a person can be in a meeting, and at the same time is constantly looking at their phone, their emails, their texts, their social media.

but yet, you can't get a response from some people... unless they want something.  and those people really don't realize how poorly they look in the eyes of others while they try to be someone who looks perfect.

it's like they want to believe they are fooling everyone.

i know a woman, a beautiful and inspiring woman, a wealthy woman, a woman who owns her own business which is also a charity, a woman who is in the middle of completely remodeling a home, a woman who is on the brink of getting married, a woman with 2 dogs and many employees and a solid collection of friends all over our city and the country.  - a woman who almost always answers her phone, almost always gives you some kind of reply to texts and emails, a woman who more often than not remembers to think of others.

this woman is generally a happy person.

at the same time, i know a man who came from a prominent family, always drives expensive cars, lives in a fashionable neighborhood, owns a solid business development, has great family that he's always showering with gifts and gear, and likes to point out all his great connections. - a man who's ruined his lifelong friendships with greed and insecurity, has racked up an unbelievable and little known mountain of debt, secretly lives a life of turmoil, a man who never answers his phone or replies to texts.

this man isn't very happy.

are these just two random people, and the lack of response to others not a factor to their lives or happiness?

well, i'm not a shrink... and certainly there are people who are completely happy being alone.  but it seems the people who want to be loved and respected while not adjusting who they are end up being the ones who hide.

they aren't always hiding of course, they have needs, they have wants, they have things they want to do - and they are more than happy to involve you when they need you.  but do they answer the phone when it doesn't suit them?  do they answer the phone if they are just sitting at home doing nothing and you want to say hello?

probably not.

why?  who knows...  maybe i'm not as close to these people as i think i am.  and... maybe the other people who have noticed this aren't as close either.  some are sisters and brothers of the people in question, but who knows, family doesn't mean much these days.

and would it make a difference if they responded?  maybe not.  who's to say they'd give you any kind of response you want?  so many people these days give faux emotional responses, trendy emoji's, and LOL's to their friends, and a never ending stream of texted 'I LOVE YOU's to their friends and family.  of course, everyone likes to know they are loved, but when you get an easily sent text and no actual effort, you start to notice this is a knee-jerk response that probably has little to no actual value.  and when you never see the person Laugh Out Loud or show you that they actually love you when you need them... you start to see the truth.

worse, we live in a time when the latest technology offers you the ability to send 'read receipts' to people - you can tell people that you got their message.  i do this, most of my close friends do, and when i send them a text, i can see that the read it and when.

but... you can (on some level) tell what kind of person you're dealing with when they disable this feature.  they don't want you knowing they ignored you, even though its obvious from the lack of response - but maybe by the time you realize it, you'll forget they may just be an asshole.

and that's an important issue - no one wants to be the asshole.  they may say they don't care, but they do, if they didn't care they'd let you know they read your text and you can suck it up.  no, they want to be loved, but they may not want to put in the work.

guess what - you're not fooling anyone... you never replied.  you couldn't even kick out an 'ok', or a 'i will call you later'.  the latest iPhone actually has a feature that allows you to kick out a nearly automated reply text when you can't answer the phone.  they have actually factored in to the design of the phone that most people want to NOT come off looking like an asshole.

on some level, people need to realize the levels that are communication... you can ignore someone, you can text them, you could talk to them on the phone, you could talk with them in person, and you could be with them with little to no notice for any level of importance.

and in that, you show what kind of person you are.  being someone who barely contacts others or barely responds paints a picture of a fairly sad person, and the person who's always giving an actual response to others shows the world how solid they are.

i don't know what to think of people at times, have some of us started to lean so heavily on the crutch that is technology, or has it become yet another way for people to see the emptiness in others?

here's what i do know - if you want to be a better person in the eyes of others, answer your phone.

working the system, aren't you?

so here's the problem - everyone is political, they all have their opinions... and the odds are, you're all doing the same thing.

first, let's look at big business.  what assholes.
big business works the system, they spend money making sure their pockets are lined with politicians and judges that rule in their favor.  they make arguments about how their failure will impact the whole country, and they get bailouts then don't pay taxes on epic income levels.

second, let's look at the little people, the poor, the people who are just getting by.  what losers.
a lot of the little people work the system as well, they want programs, so they vote for government that gives them benefits and social systems and lowers any taxes they may have paid as well.

let's take it further...

in mid-2013 the world watched as George Zimmerman was acquitted of murder for his shooting young Trayvon Martin because a law had been passed saying anyone who felt threatened could lethally defend themselves... but no one noticed that this was far from the only case where 'stand your ground' was the defense.  a widely overlooked reality is that two drug dealers with past felony conviction and prison time got in a shootout, one killed the other, and the one who survived said he was threatened, and got only a slap on the wrist for being a 'felon in possession of a firearm'.

so we have politics and law and finance all listed above, and all being taken advantage of.

what is the solution?  is there one?

some would argue that government should be more involved... of course, more government means more political corruption and more taxes.  less government means more freedom... of course that means more freedom for people to screw each other over.

you have to do what you can do, right?  so you have to help yourself - and if the system let's you get a free phone or healthcare or let you expense a horse for your wife or line up a country club membership to use regularly and write off against your income, that makes sense, right?

here's the thing, you're reading this, and your'e forming an opinion that fits YOU.

you are thinking about how YOU need to keep your business going, so YOU need that law passed that makes it easier for you to do business.  you are thinking about how YOU need a cell phone for free so that YOU can keep your life moving.

no one is thinking about the bigger picture.

i have many friends, all good people, all charitable.  many would be OFFENDED at the idea of me telling them they are doing something wrong, unethical, or immoral.  at the same time, all over the world, the Roman Catholic church operates parishes, and many of them have schools... and those schools are supported by the money each person gives in tuition and to their parish.

the problem is that i know a lot of people who don't send their kids to the school for the parish their home is in, they send their kids to the school at a wealthier parish.  they attend church at a wealthier parish - and they make the excuse about how the school is better, and how their kids deserve the best.

the truth is that Catholic schools are cheap when compares to private schools, and they won't turn anyone away.  so... my upstanding friends are working the system.  they are working the system just as much as someone who abuses welfare or hires a lobbyist to twist laws in their favor.

some of those friends are lawyers... they will comment to me about dirty politicians, they will go to church, they will scoff and those who abuse welfare... and then they take cases that abuse laws and get them 1/3 of massive settlements.

the truth is that while those laws were created to keep people from abusing each other, the same laws are being used to abuse the system.  while the poor scream 'no one needs to make millions a year as a CEO!', the insurance companies scream 'no one needs to get millions from a car accident!'.  and the lawyers make money coming and going... they are working the system just as much as anyone else.

we have those who take phones and money and EBT cards from the government, spending other people's money on their needs, weakening the system.  we have business leaders who put earnings in their own pockets instead of their employees or taxes, weakening the system.  we have killers who abuse laws meant to allow people to defend themselves, which will lead to people being unable to do so and causing more crime, weakening the system.  we have middle class people who attend the nicer parish with their time and their money, leaving the other parishes they are supposed to attend weaker, and thus weakening the system.  we have lawyers who fight daily for the little man, but push for big payouts, lining their pockets with their portion, giving less to the little man, and taking large payouts from defendants and insurance companies, weakening the system.

and, these are just the examples.

and each of those will make excuses - EPIC REASONS - why they need their loophole.

the poor NEED that healthcare, they can't afford it without the government help!  without it, millions will suffer - think of the big picture!

big businesses NEED those lobbyists to keep laws and contracts in place so their businesses can continue, without it, they can't keep their employees - think of the bigger picture!

people NEED to be able to defend themselves with 'stand your ground', without it, people will spend a fortune defending themselves in court and face prison for simply defending themselves - think of the big picture!

my kids NEED to be able to be at the best schools!  we NEED to be in the best parish!  if they go to the lesser equipped school it could damage their education and limit their lives, and you could be limiting our connection which impact them - think of the big picture!

i NEED to be able to take 1/3 of the winnings in court settlements!  without it my legal business can't fight for the little man - think of the big picture!

so... the poor, big business, the people, the average family, and even the crusader for the the little man, they all have an excuse.  and each of you have formed an opinion on who should get a pass.

the truth is there's a solution for each of these situations...

the poor could fend for themselves, they did it in the past, they banded together, family took care of each other and so on...

big business could live by the rules of business, in that they have to survive on their own and not get bailouts or breaks...

the legal thing - hmm... well, we no longer allow our judges to use common sense, instead they must follow the letter of the law.  on some level this should be obvious, at the same time it's the most complex...

parents could just bite the bullet, live by the same rules that apply to public schools and parks, and teach their kids a great lesson in the process.  in my example, diocese could make rules requiring people to use their own parish, but they fear lower attendance, and they want the kids in Catholic schools instead of the private schools parents would probably opt for...

lawyers.  hmm.  well, this one is an opinion issue.  i'm a fan of tort reform in that punitive damages could be required to go completely to charity, allowing the lawyers to only collect from winnings a billed rate.  assuming their all honest and won't pad their bills...

and really, the worst part of all this is that we're 'fixing' problems with more 'rules' that people will find ways to get around instead of doing what most people know (on some level) to be wrong.

it won't really matter how you feel - you aren't going to stop the poor from taking advantage of handouts to them any more than you'll stop big business.  no one wants to stand up for themselves and face prison for it, and how dare anyone tell a parent that their kids don't deserve the best, right?  and the lawyers, well, we all need them to fend off everything listed above.

and i'm not saying that we shouldn't have loopholes, you will always have 'grey area' in life.

it should be said that i'm not completely innocent in all this, when i go to mass i go to the wrong parish simply because it's much closer than the one i'm supposed to go to... i don't give them any money or send my kids there, but i'm willing to admit that i'm just as bad for it.

but as we go on through life pointing fingers, let's go ahead an all admit that we are all the same shit as the people we disagree with.

Zimmerman trial - right and wrong and remaining calm

i've been watching social media for the last few days, many people are up in arms, and if George Zimmerman killed someone based on his race, he needs to be strung up by the balls.

BUT - how we as a people go about doing that was handled completely wrong.

first, everyone needs to know and accept the 'stand your ground' laws that exist.  you may not agree with them, but they are there, so they are the first issue.

realize that aside from the Zimmerman case, this law has been in effect for some time, and has been abused at length.  even in a basic search of news reports can help you find cases in Florida where convicted drug dealers would get into shoot-outs, and one would kill the other, and the person who survived was only charged with 'felon in possession of a firearm' and not murder - why?  because in Florida, if you can convince a jury that you felt threatened, you can kill someone.

and, since we're all a dramatic people these days, it's not difficult to convince people that you were threatened.

second, while the act of feeling threatened gives you the right to be lethally defensive, it doesn't give you the right to kill someone because they are black.  this is a civil rights violation.

so - how should the government have gone after George Zimmerman while following the laws?  this should have been a civil rights case.  someone should have gotten him on the stand and somehow caused him to use terms that would have labeled Trayvon a hoodie wearing thug - because of his race, and poof... conviction.

sadly, the government didn't handle it properly.  al capone fell because of tax laws, not because he blatantly violated liquor laws.  prosecutors should have thought this out better, they should have thought out the best way to make sure this guy went to jail, but for whatever reason they did not - yet.

we as a people have a choice, we can continue to rant and rally about the loss of this young man, or we can do our best to influence the right cause of action.

remember - people are stupid, but persons are smart.

don't fall victim to hype, think this out, then contact who you need to by the best means and do what you can to make sure the correct process takes place.

if George Zimmerman is guilty of killing Trayvon Martin because he was black in any way, the he needs to be brought up on federal civil rights charges, because in Florida, once there's a fight, you are supposed to 'stand your ground'.

we as a people are again falling victim to pundit led drama, while politicians ramble about the need for justice - but actually do nothing to properly handle this case.  not only is Trayvon a victim here, so are we as we fall prey to spin and drama created by people who are increasing their image and lining their pockets while doing nothing.

let's never forget that a young man was murdered, and how sad we are - but - at the same time, the murder rate for young black men in Chicago is higher than the death rate of our soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq.

over the last few days, i've seen many rallies and protests nationally about this case.  the idea that action is needed may be right - but where are the rallies and protests against the every day murders in Chicago or L.A.?  why aren't these groups organizing against the every day murders which we can't hang on a schlub like George Zimmerman?

before we get too worked up, we need to find out why Obama didn't press his people into filing federal civil rights charges against Zimmerman, and we need to ask ourselves why Al Sharpton isn't in Chicago.

What Black Men Think... And America Too

A few nights ago I was unable to sleep, and the Documentary channel had on a piece called "What Black Men Think", I expected some controversial rants by rap stars and pundits about the fight of the oppressed african-americans.

Then as I watched I was reminded of a production I saw on CNBC about a week earlier called "America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15".  In that, I expected lengthy information about the evils of firearms and the ways that assault rifles are responsible for that majority of crimes and deaths in the United States.  I was wrong.

And I was wrong about "What Black Men Think" as well.

(Links to information on both will be found at the bottom)

Janks Morton created the documentary piece on the views of black men in a way that was extremely informative... but let me cut to the chase for my readers:  what you think, probably isn't true.  In fact, he goes to great lengths to show that the majority of african-americans believe the same things, and they are wrong.

and, they are victims of hype.

His best example?  'are there more black men in college or jail?' - everyone thinks jail.  And why not?  we've been sold examples like this for decades, but the reality is that it's skewed.  In the film he asks many the same question, and everyone answered 'jail', but the numbers prove otherwise.

From there he goes on to tackle other beliefs, from the loss of family structure to unemployment and many others, and how they impact african-american history.  Each of the common beliefs shared by myself, many people I know, and many of those he interviewed were proven to be lies.

Who would tell us these lies?

I then remembered the CNBC piece on the AR15.  Since NBC has been long known as part of the 'liberal media' and I assumed a piece from their 'business news network' would tow the usual liberal line of dramatic gun control ideals.  And, it definitely did at times, accenting the damage done to human bodies at the Colorado theater shooting, and pointing out that the same model AR15 used there was in the possession of the killer at Sandy Hook.

But then the facts came in: long guns (rifles and shotguns) are responsible for 4% of crimes in the United States, and the AR15 was such a small portion of that 4% that and exact percentage of crimes that involved it or assault weapons in general couldn't (or maybe wouldn't be) given.

Americans have been lead to believe that the AR15 and other assault rifles deserve our attention, review, and legislation.  We have also been led to believe that every day black men are using assault rifles to commit crimes in their effort to be... whatever the image of gangsta black men is.

Lies.

We have all become the victims - the WILLING VICTIMS - of what sells.  We believe the drama, and the excuse it gives us to be lazy.

This may seem to be my opinion, but the facts are the facts, and the opinion shared by many of the leaders and pundits found in both films.  Watching Juan Williams and the ATF's Charles Houser kick out facts that would surprise us all about these two issues would embarrass most Americans.

To find out that most black men are simply wanting a quiet life and family, and that all but an unmeasurably small percentage of assault rifles are owned by law abiding citizens - this is NOT what we find juicy and dramatic.  It's much easier to assume that black men are all poor and have no role models, and are forced to live on welfare but can't get by because they have too many baby-mommas, so they start 'bangin' and carrying assault rifles and live a criminal life, right?  No one wants to believe that the larger percentage of black men want to finish high school, go to college, meet a nice girl, and never be involved in a cime... even one that involves a gun of any kind.

But, it's true.

The saddest part of our current reality is our arrogance and our ego, and the need we have to follow passion and drama in an attempt to excite our own lives.  And in this we have found leaders who are willing to sell us this crap to line their pockets.

Who's to blame?  Both pieces point out the leadership we follow who no longer goes out of it's way to solve problems, but instead goes out of it's way to create problems so they have something to solve.

We are the last world power, imagine where we would be if we didn't waste our time on issues that cannot be resolved.

In each piece, the facts remained: 'there will never be a world without racism' and 'there will never be a world without crazies who abuse guns'.

As I watched Shelby Steele make statements like "I lived through segregation, and let me tell you, racism is no longer an excuse as to why you can't make it in America, the only excuse left is yourself", he admits that there will always be discrimination, but that can impact anyone, as people can be discriminated against for their poverty or their wealth or any number of things.

And back to assault rifles, as Brian Sullivan points out that assault rifles have been the victim of discrimination and image.  The truth remains that the most commonly used tool for murder in America - is the blunt object.  But we can't outlaw all the blunt objects, so we give the evil looking assault rifle the bad rap, and get all excited.

I recently had a woman I know get very emotional about the gun issue, claiming there was no need for people to have "multiple magazine clips".  Sadly, anyone who knows the slightest about guns knows that her verbiage makes no sense whatsoever.  There is no such thing as a 'multiple magazine clip' - but, she had heard those words in a big dramatic portrayal, and she was going to be a part of it.  In the end, any magazine fed gun can have multiple magazines, just like a car can have multiple spare tires... and a clip is used to load magazines, they aren't really the same part.

With that, I was recently told of another person I know who went out of her way to do something she shouldn't have done, in an effort to do the right thing, and in the end it was because she was stopping someone who 'looked shady'.  I'm avoiding the details on purpose, but in the end, what made the person look shady to them?  They were poor and black.  Sad.  And worse, in hindsight, they were probably the better course of action which she stopped.  Very sad.

So many of us want to be the 'liberal' and fight the 'oppression' and do away with 'dangers' and the 'evils' of modern society.  But it's a rare few who want to take the time to find out the facts, and instead fight for the truth, no matter where it lies on party lines.

We have to stop being victims to the hype, and we have to accept the truth.  There will always be assholes who point the finger at the poor, other races, other faiths, and so on... and with that, always be assholes who will go out of their way to hurt others by extreme measures.

These are NOT excuses for each of us to stop expecting the best from others.  These are NOT reasons to pass 'laws' that tell others how to act and what to own.  These are NOT the way to see the world, when we can instead use our time moving forward instead of trying to micro-manage the now.

Because we have become a land that focuses on lies.





What Black Men Think:
http://whatblackmenthink.com/what-black-men-think/

trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIecPA_Q_gA&feature=youtu.be

America's Gun: The Rise of the AR-15:
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/america-gun-rise-ar-15-tv-review-article-1.1326336

my response to the tragedy at the 2013 Boston Marathon

just after the bombing of the Boston Marathon we announced, footage was shown were only one person seemed to fall down, there was barely a stumble... and i didn't think anyone was hurt.  subsequently i made a sarcastic post online which (as details developed) angered a few.  well, the actor in me is at least happy that i caused an emotional response, my coaches should be happy with that.  however, in the light of the resulting information about the bombing i posted this response:


for what it's worth, my comments were an attempt at satire... my words an example of the over-reaching state of panic expressed in the face of today's problems from the other side of the coin.  my problem with all this isn't anyone's view on any one topic as much as it is with the panic and the results of any person or person's deciding they have the right to impede the freedom of another.

the facts of this issue are simple, they are in between the details: more crimes are committed with handguns and shotguns than assault weapons... just like more crops are grown with fertilizer than homemade bombs made with the same chemicals, and more models & crafts are made with exacto knives than college kids cut up in texas... but in our world of panic and confusion, those could come next.  the issue isn't fertilizer or guns or craft knives, it's arrogance.

people get emotional and point out the nasty looking things or pick out a scape goat because of a tragedy, and tell others what they do and don't need, because they are on the side of safety!  then some emotional and angry version of the conflicting opinion comes in to scream back.  then we are all worked up into emotions, and the politicians take advantage of the chance to distract us from pollution, or the economy, or GMO's... and in the end, we lose more freedom and sometimes more.

because the actions of the few should be allowed the limit the actions of the law-abiding many?  because after 200 years, the hundreds of millions who lived here happily around fertilizer and guns and knives somehow survived in the face of the few criminals and crazies?  because the actions of those crazies are worth the time and effort we could be putting into feeding and educating people and developing ways to help those who need it so that in the future they aren't driven by poverty or mental distress to hurt others?

and really, we can't get to them all.  there will always be poverty and crime and the few crazies that slip through the fingers of society.  limiting the freedoms of others because of our fears will never stop that.

no... my issue isn't gun control, it's the panic and arrogance that surrounds it.  no one wanted to ban planes after 9/11, because it would be illogical to do so.  it was proven that 19 hijackers could use 3 planes to kill 3000 people, but we all know it's illogical to ban planes.  and we all know it's illogical to ban fertilizer, even though the original attack on the World Trade Center was with truckloads of explosives made with fertilizers.  but that's our thing now, right?  find something to ban... stop people from being fat by banning large sodas, and stop cancer by banning smoking, right?  no... fatties will still find soda, and smokers will still smoke, just like junkies somehow by some miracle of modern society manage to find heroin even though it's been banned for decades.

i am saddened more than most of you will care to notice over the events at this year's Boston marathon, because of the loss of futures and opportunities and the chance for those people to enjoy their lives.  and i am reminded of our youth when we could meet our visiting travelers at the gate, when someone could drink a huge soda if they wanted, when women didn't have to worry about having something slipped into their drinks at a bar, when privacy wasn't a concern... because we all didn't have that much to hide.

the solution is not bans or laws or grand posturing by everyone from politicians to the people of facebook... the solution is... well, it's whatever keeps those of us in this discussion from shooting up a bus station while doing heroin and drinking a case of soda.  i don't know what to call it, but it's not a law.

maybe i'm the fool for not recognizing all the 'progress' we are making with our modern paranoias.  but don't be fooled, laws don't help, you can't 'govern' morality.  laws don't make the world a better place any more than a rifle brought bin laden to justice.  good people make the world a better place, just like good people finished bin laden.

and good people (not rhetoric, or politics, or laws that limit the people willing to follow them) will make the world a better place in the future.

sad, isn't it?

As many of you know, I had an incident impact me which has caused me to stop using Facebook, lock down my Twitter and my Instagram, and... I'm still working on Pinterest...

why?

BASICALLY, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: 

I posted a picture I took of a friend of mine and something he owned for work, while he was at another friend of mine's house - and a THIRD person made an issue of it to the second friend... and, not just an issue, person 3 blew it entirely out of proportion and caused friend 2 hassle they surely didn't need or deserve.

And, ironically, neither of my two friends in the middle are even on Facebook, and the picture in question was about the device in question... because it was kinda geeky-cool.

The item my friend owned that was featured in the picture isn't political, it wasn't anything that could be used for a religious or moral argument, it was simply a tool the guy used for work.  We are trying to recover from the second biggest economic downturn in US history, and you want to cause issues because you saw a picture of a guy and his ability to work???

W-T-F!

Now, it needs to be said that the item wasn't really the problem - it was all the assumption and commentary extrapolated because the first guy had this item.  Everything the person said was made up, it was all conjecture, it was completely fabricated and then formulated into what was effectively an accusation.

People: stop making assumptions.  If I post a picture of myself holding a gun, am I a murderer?  If I post a picture of you holding a chicken, are you a farmer?  If I post a picture of an item, maybe I just think the item is cool, maybe i think it has class, or maybe I like it's history - and maybe you have no idea what else is going on.  Ask if you want, but ask me, don't ask others with accusation.

(i realize that i'm being very vague here, but that's the point, you have to know a lot about all the players involved to add anything to what i posted because it was simply about a tool one guy used for work)

Understandably, friend number 2 was annoyed... and while he understands that the focus of the picture wasn't him, or his house, or what was or wasn't happening, there was enough information there for someone to compile their own fantasy of possibilities in their mind and make a stink.

A stink about something that had NOTHING to do with them... delivered in a pleasant enough tone and with enough innuendo to make the point that they are thinking a certain way.

DRAMA. people... stop making ASSUMPTIONS

....so, after dealing with this person, friend 2 was upset and conveyed it to me - and i was feeling my friend's unhappiness.  because i posted a picture when friend 2 wasn't even there, a seemingly unimportant picture, that really made no sense to anyone, my friend is unhappy with my use of social media.

now - who's at fault?  well, we all know that really, the third person who made the stink is the asshole here.  but, my friend was unhappy with me, stating that he wanted nothing that could possibly ever have to do with him to be found on Facebook.

and sadly, i understand why.  in fact, i almost feel guilty about telling the public the story as to why, and only do so because there are but 4 people who can figure out who i'm talking about, in fact friend 1 isn't even aware of all this happening, and i seriously doubt they care enough to read this blog.

(if you do read this however, color me impressed!)

WHY DO PEOPLE CAUSE THESE PROBLEMS?

for years i published all my posts PUBLICLY, anything i thought or saw could be seen by the world.

in general, any requests people made to me to censor anything were ignored - but, i had someone come to me with their concerns and it was someone who's opinion i respected, and someone who had been burned by the internet in the past... so, i restricted my posts to 'Friends of Friends'.

as much as i can come off as a fool at times, i do one thing that no one can deny or argue with: i lead a life which i can be completely open about.  you could post every minute of my life on the 'front page of the newspaper' (as my mother used to say), and really, i have nothing to hide.

some would argue that it's because i'm not married, or because my parent's aren't paying attention... i argue this: I'm not doing anything wrong.

my years of habitual drinking are long gone, i have never been a drug user, i don't sleep with married women... and really, i don't even feel like 'playing the field' anymore, i don't do anything criminal - and thusly, i have nothing to hide.

even if i was married - so what?  if i'm married and she has to be concerned about how i spend my time away from her - what i'm doing isn't the problem, and we need to get to a counselor and get some truth out about why this is an issue.

and my parents... well i'm sure there are plenty of things they won't want to know, but at the same time i should be leading a life where i can tell my parents anything, right?

and my two friends that linked me to the problem in this situation - there's a reason they're friends of mine: it's because they aren't drunks, they don't cheat on their wife/girlfirend, they don't do drugs or anything criminal... they don't do anything wrong.

are my friends and i perfect?  no.  no one else is going to agree with out we live our lives, we don't even agree without the other two lives.  1 of them is constantly working and the other is constantly coming up with new random things to do or buy or get into or try - it's practically impossible to keep up.  but they are good men, they are good to their friends.  the one loves his girlfriend and the other loves his wife.  and they are both (generally) honest.

why did i have to say '(generally)'?  because sadly, they are now sucked into the life of having to live in a grey area of existence where often things are not volunteered or discussed because other people see it as social bait, and it causes a desire to climb into their lives and rattle around.

WHY??  what is wrong with people??

here's what i post on my social networks - i post about MY life.  i don't post reports on other people's lives, i post about MY life.  and i am lucky enough to have other people in my life, good people, and if they are in my life, they may end up in a post.

and now, it's causing them problems... because some people are too busy climbing into other people's lives.

we have abused the system, again.

people should not have to live in a world where they are constantly worried about how other people think of them.  WHY DO YOU CARE?

and really, i mean that on both sides of the fence:

first - what is wrong with you people that are constantly worried about what other people are doing, or how they spend their money, or where they go on a tuesday night?  we should all be able to lead our lives proudly without you outside people peering in to get bits and pieces and make their own assumptions of what fills in the blanks - only to twist it into some tasty piece of drama for to feed on since their own life isn't satisfying enough.  if you're so insecure that the best you can do with social media is look for ways to throw other people under any possible bus, then do the grown up thing and seek help.  if you want to spend your time caring what other people do, feel free i guess and be some kind of Perez Hilton, but keep it to yourself, and keep your facts straight... your interpretation is not needed.

second - the people who are being watched... yes, i must ask why you care.  now - you people actually have a reason at times.  when the first group causes you problems, that's a reason to care.  in my current situation, we have a reason to care... because some extra uninvolved person saw just enough to make something up in their own mind and start a finger pointing session.  but - i want to make the point that on some level, when there's no chance for hassle... fuck them, let the haters hate.  because it's only proof that our lives are grand when they can't be happy on their own.

for now - i am really annoyed.

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

i have another friend, a good friend, a lifelong friend... who i couldn't understand at times when i was young.  he spent a LOT of money on cars, and regrets it terribly now that he sees the looming cost of college in his future.  but back then, he was always getting a new car when the rest of us were lucky to have hand-me-down cars if anything at all.  his cars were fancy and expensive, and he always wanted a new one... and in the end, people always wanted to know about it.  finally one day he was giving me his usual complaints about people and i reminded him that he wouldn't have the problem if he would stop buying new expensive cars all the time.  this was not acceptable to him... he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without being hassled by others.

this is not how life works people.  sadly, it's not.  i want to line up all the people who cared so much about his new cars and yell out, "WHY DO YOU CARE??"

because they shouldn't have.

so people - here's the lesson here:  focus on yourself, then consider yourself lucky to have the life you have.  just being on Facebook means it's safe to assume you have a better life than most of the people in this world.

if you're life is so perfect that you cannot be hassled, then you should focus on keeping that up.  and if your life is such a mess you stare longingly into the lives of others, stop, and work on yourself.

self-help activity number 1: try to spend the rest of your life only saying good things about others.

after the age of 21 we should all know the difference between right and wrong... and somewhere in that, how to not make a spectacle of yourself.  life has unspoken rules that make it simple... don't be the guy who throws your dad's name around... don't be the girl who sleeps with married men... and don't make excuses about it being ok with your dad, or the married guy being separated at the time.  don't cut corners and keep life in balance.

lead a life you can be proud of, and communicate with those around you instead of lying.  life isn't about waiting around for the chance to make yourself look better by lowering other people to where you think you are.

and if your life is only in balance because it's flat and lifeless, then work on your own life instead of worrying about the jackass ego maniac guy or the girl who acts like a floozie.  trust me, none of our lives are perfect.

in my situation, my friend called me eventually and laughed about it all... still wanting me to keep his life off facebook, just because he doesn't want to deal with the hassle.  and sadly, i now understand.

and now, i question my own life in social media... and after posting last night that i planned on ending my run online there were many comments and private emails.

i appreciate them all, we are lucky to live in a time where distance no longer separates us.  i'm lucky that i can maintain my friendship on a daily level with my roommate from boarding school, and foster a new friendship with his daughter while she's in college, all through social media.  i consider myself blessed to know that people keep up with me, and just as it was a problem at first, it was a blessing when my friend called me to laugh about all the comments you had all made which he had heard about from his family.

this is how life should be, how we should all get along, where we can all communicate and be open and honest with each other.  so let's lead good lives, stop climbing into other people's lives, and let people feel free to be themselves.

...that lifelong friend and i were out to lunch one day recently, and i thought about his reluctance to make any posts online, and asked him, "is there anything at all you would publicly say to the whole world?".  he thought for a minute and replied, "thats a good question, and i know i should at least be able to tell the world how much i love my son, but in the end... no, i just couldn't do it."

this man, this good man, this man who hasn't had a drink in decades, quit smoking, saves his money, owns his own business, is generous, would never cheat on his wife, and loves his son more than anything else in existence has been so scarred by the hassle of other people's prying into his life that he now effectively lives in fear.  he later told me that he knew he should be able to, but he just couldn't

sad, isn't it?

Tired of Being Single?

Today is Valentines Day... a day when we are all so happy to be in love, and when we are all so love...

So here's the deal, I find all this laughable.

everything in life is a transaction... don't make any assumptions on that statement.  love is not prostitution, but you hang out with your friends because you enjoy your time with them... and you love your dog because of the unconditional love you get back.  if your friends developed crack habits and your dog started biting you every day, you'd ditch them.

however, the friends eventually bring you drama, and the dog will eventually shit in the living room, but you put up with it because the good outweighs the bad.  everything in life is balance.  love however seems to have really screwed up scales - which are thrown off by your psychology, the impact life and family and money and time and friends have on you and others, and your willingness to accept the harsh reality of sharing yourself.

THE BASICS:

Men are roaming the planet thinking they are 'MEN' and they deserve the 'BEST', when all they really bring to the table is some inflated sense of self worth blessed upon them by society.

...and sadly, after 41 years, I've realized that most of the men i know who have cheated on their wives are the same men who are always buying their wives new cars and giving their kids the latest electronics - not because they want their family to have the best, but because they want other people to see how well they 'provide'.

Women have it worse off, as modern society now makes them compete with men as equals - but, they also have to somehow remain sexy and perfect and docile... which has really left them in some bullshit quandary where so many of them exude some false sense of confidence and pride that is at best unattractive.

...and somehow that has resulted in a modern breed of women filled with faux pride - you see them online, constantly 'complaining' about how bad their kids are, or how much wine they need, or how bad men are... all things they wouldn't have to deal with if they had the self confidence to love their lives.

And now you're single, possibly divorced, you may or may not have children.  With that you're probably telling yourself a lengthy list of excuses to explain why.

Some of my favorites:

"all the men/women I meet are psychos" - certainly this has nothing to do with your selection process, it just 'happens' over and over again.  no one only attracts psychos, but everyone has the option of subconsciously chasing the wrong people.

"people don't understand me" - so... you've made yourself too complex, or do you change constantly?  if no one 'understands' you, then you're basically complaining that you're some massive puzzle that probably changes constantly.  those of us in reality call that 'unstable'.  unstable people are awesome for one night stands and if you're fun, people may even want to bring you to parties to see what kind of crazy event you'll foster.  no one wants to take you home permanently, grow up.

"i have kids, none of the people i date get that" - well, that will happen when you keep dating childless singles who are 15 years younger than you.  I'm sorry the corresponding people in your demographic are also strapped with kids and probably also out of shape.  still, trying looking at people with a similar situation before you scar your kids mentally.

"no one can handle me!" - yeah, that statement in itself is unappeasing... ask yourself if you can 'handle' driving a car with no windows and a crank start.  sure, you could do it, but why would you want to?  that's how other people see you.  consider introspection, and if you can't be honest with yourself, try being honest with your much needed therapist.

"there aren't any attractive people here" - thank god the region was blessed with your epic good looks to balance that out.  it's also completely possible that you're afraid to give anyone a chance, so you're making excuses.  let your guard down - don't lower your standards, but don't complain if your sole review of others is looks.

"i've been too busy" - anyone who says that needs to know that everyone is laughing at them behind their back.  everyone, even your mother, who wishes you would get yourself together, and especially your friends who hate the fact that you think they are stupid enough not to see the truth.  get off your ass and make some time, you aren't that important.

"the men/women i meet bring nothing to the table" - are you picking up dates at a homeless shelter or does this mean you bring everything possible to the table?  are you that awesome?  well, if you are the corporate super-executive, lottery winner, who looks like a model, and writes novels in your free time as you wind down from all your charity work - but somehow you can't find love... it's possible you're not actually looking.  it's also completely possible that maybe what you need is someone who bring their willingness to tolerate you to the table and nothing else.

IF YOU ARE SINGLE THIS VALENTINES DAY AND WANT THAT TO CHANGE:

First assess yourself.

Ask yourself if you see your own flaws.  Ask yourself if people can talk to you about your shortcomings.  Ask yourself what you like about yourself and what scares you about yourself.  If your family and friends can't tell you when you're being a jackass without you flipping out on them, odds are you're not ready for a real relationship, and you probably need to fix that first.

Love should be a connection of minds, but it usually starts with a physical attraction and your willingness to let your guard down.  If you think about the current romantic movies like The Vow or The Notebook, they involve men who are passionately in love.

Funny Side Fact: Ryan Gosling was cast by the director of that film because the director didn't want someone who was 'too good looking' - then (as a lot of women like to forget) he spent the majority of that film poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and quietly lovelorn.  Would you give a guy a chance if he was poorly groomed, poorly dressed, and lovelorn?  Just think, he may decide to shave and shower and spend the rest of his life reminding you every day what love means.

But, he can't if you're too busy chasing the David Beckham look-alike at the gym where you attempt to work off the 2800 calories a day that you'll never burn because you don't want to get sweaty and ruin your makeup... you don't understand life.

Life isn't all that complex in many ways.  You have to see your own flaws and address the ones that can be addressed before you can expect that from others.

Would you date you?

Second assess your options.

If you spend all your time with your parents, and hanging out with your married friends helping them take care of their kids, and working at the steel mill - surprise, you aren't going to meet anyone.

If you spend all your time with your ex bf/gf who acts like they want you back but won't pull the trigger - here's a clue, they aren't going to, because they don't have to, because you won't leave them.

If you don't have the balls to clean yourself up and get out there, you're not going to make any progress in finding a relationship.  While it's completely possible to find love in an online video game or while at your friend's baby shower... the odds are small.

And look at ALL your options... the hot woman who spends all her time working on her body, or the guy who's the life of the party may be the two most appealing people in the room.  Odds are she's vapid, and he's not telling you about the nasty divorce that occurred after he got caught nailing his secretary.  Somewhere in that room is a person who's the sleeper, somewhere in that room is someone who's attractive and nice without being a spectacle.  Look for that person... they'll be the woman you can talk to and the guy you can trust.

Third, assess your situation.


Men, you want to be comfortable and accepted for who you are, but realize that woman like a guy who can at least attempt to put together some kind of decent look.  Take a shower, look nice... but don't be prettier than her.  The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not ego.

Women, I get it, you spent your whole life comparing yourself to the woman on TV and barely made it through those awkward years where your boobs were too small or so big that no man ever looked you in the eye.  Don't be afraid to be sexy, in the end real sexy comes from inside, and it is completely possible to have cleavage and class.  No man wants to marry a whore, but no man wants to get stuck with a woman who has never owned a vibrator and is afraid to be naked.  The sexiest thing you bring to the table is real confidence, not false pride.


If your have trouble talking to others, and they won't talk to you, figure out why.  It is COMPLETELY possible that you are too attractive.  Just like you may be afraid to just walk up and talk to someone, if you are always perfectly dressed and have a perfect body, the odds are high that many will be afraid to talk to you because no one wants to be shot down by someone who looks awesome.  It's also completely possible that you aren't catching people's eyes, or that you're the girl who's with 4 dudes, or that sitting somewhere with your swimsuit model sister may keep women from talking to you.  Maybe, just maybe, you should try growing some balls and talking to others.

And consider what impacts your life, but don't force it on other people...

Single parents (for example) have to factor in their kids.  Children of parents who have to be taken care of are in a similar situation.  Some people are actually trapped into lives which can cause problems, and if you actually are on the President's staff and must live a monitored life that has you constantly traveling, then you have to do whatever it takes to get around this problem so that other people aren't wasting their time on you.

But any situation can be addressed - and some situations that can appear as problems can actually make things easier with the right people.  Single parents can make 'play dates', and most high power jobs factor in people's social life by offering events that encourage people to bring dates.  Often, your situation can help you filter out people who are not an option, OR secretly provide an insight... but, you have to be willing to think outside the box.  A parent 'play date' in public let's you see how the other person treats their kids, and can help you see how they handle life.  If you're a corporate super-exec you may have company tickets to events, and you can see how they handle things in your life.

Your life includes factors that make your life, some of which are not by choice.  Family responsibilities, career, health issues, all factor in your relationships - you should be able to share that, but not make it someone else's burden.  Impressing them with you, should make them want to help.

And realize that your assets could easily be a burden as well.  Having a lot of money and taking someone out to shower them with everything grand could make you look like an ass, or worse leave you surrounded with people who only want that.  This is important:  Showering someone with your wealth is NOT the same as SHARING your wealth with someone.  And there's nothing wrong with a woman picking up the check so that both of you can have some time together (but realize that some men aren't secure enough to deal with that all the time).  Know when someone wants to be with you for you, then you can share everything with them.

Really, all of this assumes you're not playing any games and over thinking it all.  Time spent on a playdate with someone who's not great with kids, doesn't mean they are a bad parent - maybe you two are the perfect combination for those kids, and each other.

And, when you're ready.

You have to want reality, and you have to know and accept the real you.  You have to accept as much as you want to be accepted, and first you have to know yourself well enough to bring the real you to the table.  Maybe you're not able to handle that, if you want it, maybe you need to make some changes.