communication

you don't communicate well...

you're reading this, and you're already bored.  you saw this link online somehow, and you're already wondering how long it will take me to get to the punchline.

i commend you for getting this far, but the reality is that most of us aren't interested in long explanations, we have become what the media complains about - fast.  we seek instant gratification, i say 'we' because i'm just as bad as anyone else.

we now live in a society where fabulous outweighs talented, where screams outweigh need, where everything happens fast and people want it faster.

what we've lost is communication - REAL communication.

when was the last time you explained your real feelings to someone?  when was the last time you did it in person?

emailing someone lots of 'i love you!' messages is normal these days, but when was the last time you sat with them, and told them why.  communicated it to them - showed them.

this doesn't apply to men you're hoping to get a ring from, or women you're hoping to lay - this applies to someone you're friends with, or someone who's family.  there are relationships we overlook because of our need for fast, and the shield we put up so we don't have to deal with rejection or take the time to deal with unpleasantness.

and the best part of it all is that each of us wants to believe we are pulling it off... when we all know that people see through the minutia of love emails and texts and posts.  but sticking with the lies is easier, so we press on.

friends you've had a disagreement with don't get to hear you say, "i'm sorry, i didn't see things that way because..." and then friendships are lost.  and why?  because it takes time to explain how you feel, and worse, you may have to lower your guard and look (or feel) like a fool.  "i'm sorry, i didn't... come to your party because my ex might have been there, and they've moved on to find someone else, and lately i've felt really alone and i just couldn't face them right now" - this completely explains how you feel, but leaves everything open, your soul, and your friendship.  they could reply with, "get over it!  it's been years since you two were seeing each other!"  but then you wouldn't have your feelings validated, and you're more hurt and alone - why risk it, right?

if you go to your parent and tell them, "i love you, but i feel uncomfortable because..." they may reply with something you don't want to hear... so we don't talk to our parents.  telling your parents that it bothers you to see them age is actually understandable, but it's something everyone has to deal with.  avoiding it just makes you look like a brat, like the adult child who wants everyone to think of them as a responsible adult, but really sidesteps things because she can't handle them.  worse are grandchildren, who always come up with a social need of epic importance in an effort to avoid their difficult  grandparent in declining health.  parents are then forced to communicate unpleasantness and deal with the resulting feeling that the child won't take care of them when they are in the same situation later in life - why risk it, right?

we have to learn to take risk again - we have to learn to tell the truth and express ourselves and work through the feelings we have.

the issues above are personal and close to us... but they have morphed into worse.  in these are the feelings we randomly throw out there socially.  the ego, the attitude, the unneeded emotion and commentary we use to quickly resolve a need.  we post comments online, we email, we text, but as issues draw closer to us, we do it in a fashion that keeps some distance from the truth.

people don't 'date' anymore... they text.  people don't 'hangout' anymore... they skype.  people don't 'experience' anymore... they google.  people don't 'share' anymore... they post.  and in all this is a loss of communication.

then, we cover it all up with mis-communication.  we skype about the things we learned on google like we've experienced them... then we post about things we skyped about, all while holding someone at bay via text instead of that date - because we were 'too busy' skyping and googling.

eventually things will fall apart... friendships dwindle as people understand each other less, parents make excuses out of embarrassment regarding the children who email 'i love you' but never want to be there for them or help them with grandparents, and life experience is lost in general to our passive modern methods of communication.

we don't own our mistakes anymore, we don't own our flaws, we get around them... then if confronted we panic, we throw out excuses about 'busy' and other drama to avoid... then we have to avoid more to keep the lies of mis-communication alive and avoid even more embarrassment.

it's easier to skype from our desks, and it's easier to text, and it's easier to google... but we are missing out more and more in the human experience.

if you're still reading this - color me impressed.

then ask yourself where you fall in to this.  do you tell people how you really feel?  do you communicate, or is it often a dramatic performance of expression in a panic because you're not a communicator?  do your friends know how you feel, or are you usually the one people can't get a straight answer from (who ends up with a new 'best friend' every few years)?  do your parents feel like they know you, or do they feel like they know you enough not to talk about things that will cause you to prove to them what kind of person you've become?

and sure, there is over-communication.  people don't need to know about your last trip to the bathroom, or about the epic experience you had helping your grandmother with hers.  but learn where the lines are between communication, privacy, and embarrassment.  not telling your friend you slept with their wife isn't a privacy issue, it's an embarrassment issue.

people get embarrassed about a lot.  sleeping with your friends wife should cause embarrassment... but not being there for your parents should also cause it.  being the guy who screwed up with a girl is embarrassing - being the guy who lied about her being too clingy or telling people she's a whore, when in reality you couldn't keep it together with her for some reason is just lies to cover embarrassment - it's the worst loss of communication possible.

and really, everyone sees through those things anyway... we all know it, so then we run back to skype and texting and google.

stop.

learn to communicate again.

learn to communicate with yourself, learn yourself, and then learn to be proud of yourself.  then learn to talk to people, in person, understand their feelings, and convey yours to them.

be embarrassed... life is embarrassment, it's ok.  then grow to get around what caused the embarrassment.  grow to be a better friend, grow to be a better parent, grow to be a better grandchild, grow to be someone who can think and communicate openly, grow to be someone who's life is extended via social and electronic media - not someone who's life's extent is electronic and social media.

grow - grow some balls.

communicate the truth... communicate in person... communicate with others... communicate yourself... and then enjoy the real happiness it provides.