c’mon baby new year!

ok, lets face it, as lucky as we all are - 2008 had a hitch at every corner. but, lets face it - 20 years ago we were all a bunch of fools who had no idea what we were doing, and what a problem was. our parents paid our bills, we followed the plan... school... etc. now we have careers and ideas, and situations that impact or are impacted by other people.

when you factor all that in, and realize that doing things can cost you in time or money you don’t have, and that time and money are actually important factors, and then the people - problems.

i did the math, and so far in my commuting to Chicago, i spent a solid month on a train - a MONTH of my life roughly in 2008 inside a big shiny metal penis traveling at 80mph through the back-country of Illinois. while this was going on, life was happening for people who’d planned sooner, etc. and in the end, we faced the end of another year...

progress wasn’t huge for 2008, in fact, as a country we stepped backwards a bit economically and fiscally, in a way which could have drastic impacts on 2009. but for now, we all took a break, met at Hurl’s, had a few drinks, some of us spent some time in the hottub (ok, just me), and we all rang in the new year.

there will be a day when all the things we’re worrying about won’t matter. on that day, i hope to remember only times like this.

tis the season

don’t let the face fool you - it wasn’t too bad.

i come from a huge family - i mean HUGE. my mother is one of 17 children. my father is one of four, but by the time i came around he was the only one left in town... so when i was young there was PLENTY to do around the holidays. since then things have changed a lot, the extended families have trimmed back a great deal due to the loss of grandparents and more spreading by the younger generations, so what used to be a series of dressy events where you saw 100 different people now boils down to a laid back dinner and watching my pre-teen nieces tear apart simple gifts.

and until now, i viewed all this as a hassle. and it was a long time ago... when i was young and just wanted to be with my friends, but now i miss seeing my cousins and aunts and grandmothers. i miss the big affair at my grandmother’s estate, the ocean of relatives, the spread, the two meals at the other grandmother’s house prepared in a fashion only my mother can currently replicate. and i know that some day i’ll miss seeing my youngest nieces hand out presents and go ballistic at candies and games. and most importantly, the simple joy my father finds in seeing his two grandchildren happy and around.

i had a good year... it wasn’t easy, but a lot of people didn’t get the year i had. they didn’t get to chase their dream, they had to work a lot and not get paid much and face the looming economic crisis worried about their kids or homes. i don’t know where my dreams will take me in 2009, and there was a lot of unhappy in 2008, but in the end, i’m still a very very lucky man.

-season’s greetings

the Luckiest Man on the Planet

This past weekend, I had my last show at Second City, and a group of my friends came up just to see me and celebrate my being on stage...


It wasn’t a huge deal really, it was my final show in my final class of the basic improv program. It was basically the adult improv version of a piano recital. In the past, I’ve had other shows and would get on an early train, go up and do the show, and get on the train home like it was a normal day. But the support was huge for this last show. Subash and Kathy flew in from Pittsburgh, Hurl flew up from St. Louis, and Laura drove up from St. Louis. Kirsten and I joined her, a great old friend Stephanie met us there, and Kirsten put us up for the night so we could enjoy our time there. 2 of my cousins showed up for the show as well, I couldn’t believe all the support. Everyone seemed to have fun, so I’d like to think it was worth everyone’s trip.


We were a 9 person ensemble, and 3 days beforehand we lost 1 of us to a family emergency. The
weather was horrific, and most of us were late to our planned early arrival to rehearse a last minute new plan... which we didn’t have in our hands really until 20 minutes before the show. And of our remaining 8 players, 3 of us, including myself, were sick.


But we still kicked it in the ass and rocked the place. We played, I felt like we hadn’t at first, but after hearing everyone simply start with how they didn’t even have it in them to get up on stage, much less do it all without a script - and then watching the tape and seeing the laughs we got and the creation that occurred, it wasn’t bad at all... in fact, it went very well.


After, we hit the various bars around Second City, my friends took me to a handful of great places, and others joined us. We traveled down Wells and eventually ended up back downtown near our hotel to round off our night of many drinks. That night i think everyone slept well, and the next day we got up and had a great breakfast together after a quick walk across the street in a horrific -3’ wind. Chicago winters... bone chilling. After, the weekend was over, and we made our escape... almost. First, the hotel valets had to have an accident with Laura’s car and cause a few grand in damage. Luckily, two valets hit each other and they admitted it was all their fault, so things should be ok.


As we left, I caught Kirsten on tape, which apparently bothers her...

trying to swing

today i busted my ass to work on a website for a friend and client. they’ve needed the work done for a long time, and the reality of life is that i’m embarrassingly behind financially. i keep this to myself, and no one reads this blog so i have no problem putting it here. its hard to be me and not feel like a joke - i had it all, and i gave it up to chase a dream... and now what do i have? bills piling up, friends who’s careers are going places, a gal who deserves better, parents who luckily have no idea how bad things are for me, and a world of people who think all this is the most impressive thing ever! yeah, impressive, i’m chading the dream, but the truth is that i’m facing this alone because no one else wants to tolerate my life.

so - i’m blogging as somewhat of a diary to myself, and possibly to reach out to anyone out there who wants to chase that life changing dream... and what do i have to tell you?

you’re on your own.

if you’re lucky enough to have people in your life who care a little, be happy, enjoy that time, relish those relationships, but face the reality that everyone out there has their own agenda, and it won’t be long before they remind you that they have to take care of themselves.

now, this doesn’t mean people are bad... its really very simple. people have what they want, what they need, what they can tolerate, and so on. things that are important to you aren’t always going to be important to other people - and even when they are supportive of your attempt to do something, it doesn’t mean they’re willing to do it themselves, or be inconvenienced in any way. i consider myself lucky: today i have work, i have a way to make some green and get a little caught up on some bills. i also have people all planning to come see me in chicago for my last show, laying out time and cash to see me on stage and be supportive. its not everyone i know, and i can’t fault others for not being willing to travel locally much less far away to see me on stage. i’m lucky enough to have a gal in my life who’s willing to stand and cheer for me anywhere, and a handful of friends who are driving and flying just to make an event of my event. but reality is that eventually, there won’t be an audience just for me, there will be a show on the road, a film or commercial shoot where people are happy i’m there to earn them money.

heh, hopefully at least - someday i’m going to have to earn enough so that i can give back to all the great people in my life in a big way. someday i want to take my ‘friend-fans’ on a trip on me to see whatever else they want, and sit in the audience with them. and kirsten deserves even more, she’s been so encouraging and tolerant of my embarrassing life.

so artists & idea people & idealists - run with your dreams, but be confident in yourself and your life. you can NOT take your setbacks personally. if you get shot down at an audition, or denied a grant, or feel like no one is paying attention to your ideas, you just take a step back and figure out why and how to work around it. its you against the world, and be ready for reality - be a fair judge of yourself, and others.

chuck-a-burger

kirsten’s been having a really rough go of things lately, so we spent last night at my place
watching movies and laying around. i don’t have a lot to give her, so i try to be there for her to hang out with and be able to talk to at least. the next morning i went over to her place so we could get some food, and i’m on my mission to do things that aren’t the usual. she was willing to take a chance on my idea, and we went to chuck-a-burger.

she was a little nervous about it at first (she’s not big on new things that aren’t clean and trendy, her ‘minds eye’ likes to make up all kinds of reasons not to do them). but god love her, she took the chance at the greasy north side burger hut. chuck-a-burger used to be a well established chain of the classic 50’s burger joint. what once was many locations all over the metro-area now only has two locations, but their location on St. Charles Rock Road still has car-hops! sadly, kirsten wasn’t up for taking things that low... and lets face it, the picture above
isn’t really a true representation of how the place looks today - but it was still totally worth it.

we just got the basics, splitting a cup of chili and then a couple burgers. it wasn’t Carl’s, but it was great greasy spoon nevertheless.

auditions, unions, and making the best of it

today i had my first audition for a paying job in almost 2 months... this town is killing me. i love Saint Louis, but its terribly limited for an actor i’ve learned. there’s no Goodman Theater here, there’s no established production economy here, and as technology developed over the last 20 years, it became completely possible for local companies to produce ads in other cities and have them back here within days.

and for this, the community has suffered. people who want to act and be professional can’t make it here - the effort required doesn’t have the possible local reward. and with this leaves an opening for anyone willing to show up and get the job and take less pay.

and i’m SAG; and i completely support performance unions. but in this case, the unions are wrong. and why? the unions allow producers to hire whoever they want for principal roles, bring them in from wherever, and then (except for cities like NY or LA) they can hire whoever they want for background, stand-in, extra, and cameo roles. the reason being that there isn’t the pool of talent to choose from in the union because the general pool of actors is so small.

however, the rules that the union places on me are GLOBAL. i’m not allowed to take any of these jobs if they are non-union, even if they pay better than union wages. now really, how much sense does that make?

i went SAG because i plan to leave STL to chase bigger and better productions and getting my SAG card in other cities will prove to be a challenge. but in reality, if you’re an actor in St. Louis - who’s planning on staying here, get the card, pay your dues - and go Fi-Core. Until the unions want to put the time and effort into the whole country, its really the only option.

after the audition i went on with my plan to do things that i don’t normally do. and for today, i went to Ted Drewes for some tasty Frozen Custard... mmm... I got myself a mocha something and my dad a small vanilla, it rocked. every town has its unique places to eat that everyone needs to try, and this is on the tops for the STL.

thankfully getting a break

it’s been just over a year since i started to go to Chicago every week... it’s taking some kind of toll on me though i’m not sure what. well, financially for sure - anyone who’s going to try to leave ‘reality’ and start a career in acting has to support themselves with something. of course, that ‘something’ has to leave you the ability to go to auditions in the middle of the day, or sometimes in evenings, with a day or two of notice.... then if you get that part, you have to be able to take the time off (which could be a few days) to do that work.

yeah... so basically, i’m penniless. the woman in my life helps a lot, she more often than not covers meals and so on, and aside from giving me a great chance to prove that money is truly the basis of a relationship when she brings it up in a fight, it gives us a chance to spend some time together out & about when i’m not wasting her life away. i shouldn’t complain, i really am lucky to have her, and lucky she puts up with me. i’d have to say she’s probably tops on the list of things i’m thankful for this year.

a couple weeks ago i made the decision that i would try to do more with my time - which, includes this blog to some extent. part of that was to make sure i went to thanksgiving with the family, go early, gorge myself with food, not leave as soon as the meal was over, and spend some time with my nieces. mission accomplished. over the course of the day i stuffed myself with 3 of the plateloads you see above, it will probably be a week of starvation and cardio before i burn it down. but it was good to hang with the family, relax in the recliner next to the fire, and do nothing for a day without feeling like i’m a loser for having nothing to do.

moving right along

i told myself a while ago i was going to do more with my time. there’s a part of me that wishes my friends and i would still do things - any ‘things’. but life, work, kids.... Warcraft.... people just don’t do things anymore. so i made a list of random crap that i’m going to do solo, today was the first.

today i made a late afternoon run to the Museum of Transportation, and i have to say it was kinda cool. the place has a huge variety of trains from the past of a lot of varieties - above you see picture of a rotary snow plow engine, this badass machine is like 16’ tall and was made to plow through drifts almost as tall. crazy. since i’m on a train almost every week, i asked the conductors about it, and apparently they’re used to following these plows through mountain passes where drifts and avalanches will cover the tracks. one even told me a story about how the freight train in front of them was caught in an avalanche, which could have easily been them. they finished by telling me it was worth taking that train for the views. i may add it to the list.

also at the museum of transportation was a collection of cars, a tug boat, and a WW2 era plane - but the collection of trains was really the meat of it, and worth the trip in itself. that, and the section of the Coral Court Motel they saved. awesome.

speaking visually, tied rhetorically

this afternoon my coach, the lovely and talented Carrie Houk, sent me an IM asking how i had been lately and encouraging me to go up to Washington University for a showing of the 1993 film “King of the Hill”. and, i must say i enjoyed it a great deal.

it was showing as part of the St. Louis International Film Festival (SLIFF), and included a panel discussion after which i enjoyed a great deal as well.

the film was good, great in fact, and included a lot of fairly well known names of great talent who (at the time) were not known at all. most importantly, it was shot in st. louis and a handful of bit parts were cast to local actors. of course, as most productions go, they cast the key roles out of los angeles without giving anyone in st. louis a chance.

i am DYING for someone to blow some life into recognition of st. louis actors. here i am, planning my escape to LA while spending all my professional time in chicago, without any hope of seeing real work here.

and my lovely union, SAG, is zero help. they’re rules state that i cannot act in any format for a non-union production, but they allow producers to roll into st. louis and produce great films like “King of the Hill” without much restriction on any roles that aren’t lead. my union restricts me, but puts little restriction on producers if the production isn’t in LA or NYC...



sad

ms saigon, and Say(ing) Goodnight

when i got up this morning, i knew i had things it would be nice to accomplish - or wanted to accomplish today. in the end, i spend the majority of my day helping my friend look for work instead of working on websites or acting. i’m banking on a little karma here.

while helping him i was talking to kirsten, and wanted to do something new today like any ohter day, so the decision was made to go to an African restaurant tonight. we made the plans, and then i was reminded that a film i was in would be showing tonight at the St. Louis Film Festival, and Dan assumed i would be there. after she left work, i squeezed in a trip to the gym, got to her house around 7:30pm, and went to the Loop.

upon arriving at Nubia, we saw only one customer inside, but was told that there is some kind of paranoia about places that don’t have any customers. rather than assume we missed the dinner rush, or that it was just a slow night, i was instructed that i could eat there, but i’d be eating alone because kirsten believed that being the only customers of the night would lead the restaurant to poison us. she also made a comment about how she didn't want to be the lone white couple inside. she would be offended that i pointed this out in a public forum, but will probably never read this, and i was offended by her paranoia and her comment, so we’ll call it even.

after this the debate over where we could go attempted to start, but i just told her to decide, i’m don’t fighting the rapidly growing list of rules based on unverified thoughts and paranoias which guide people’s lives. sadly, some day, i’ll also be the ass who wanted to try new things and didnt consider other people’s needs. what? because there’s always a current reference and i love rules? whatever, we end up at ms. saigon.

i’d had vietnamese food before, so it wasn’t the new experience i was aiming for, but i didn’t have to listen to her martyr herself for my thoughtless and life-threatening impulses either. i went out of my way to try something different anyway, ordering seafood & chicken on a bed of flash fried noodles. it was pretty bland, but since i generally don’t like vietnamese food i would have rather have had a tolerable new trial than a repeat of past experiences.

after dinner, we went to the film, and while there ran into my old friend Meredith. ‘Muzzy’ was there with 2 friends, and i think they were taking advantage of time away from the kids, because they’d had a few. during the film they solidly annoyed those around us with regular loud comments and normal volume random conversation... classic.

it was pretty obvious kirsten did not like the film, but it is totally a guy film, full of crass comments, etc. after we joined my friends who had produced the film at blueberry hill for a while, then walked back to the car around 1am in 25’ wind. i know she did want to see the film since i was in it, i can appreciate that, but i’m surprised she was ok hanging out with all these guys she didn't really know. i wouldn’t have. i didn’t get a good read on if kirsten was enjoying the night out with the film guys either, probably not too much. we’ll call us even on the dinner thing i guess.

as the night came to an end, i got email from the guy who’s still angry after 10 years. he’s still carrying his torch... and fine, he gets everything he wants. let’s face it, its not going to make him happy.