trying to swing

today i busted my ass to work on a website for a friend and client. they’ve needed the work done for a long time, and the reality of life is that i’m embarrassingly behind financially. i keep this to myself, and no one reads this blog so i have no problem putting it here. its hard to be me and not feel like a joke - i had it all, and i gave it up to chase a dream... and now what do i have? bills piling up, friends who’s careers are going places, a gal who deserves better, parents who luckily have no idea how bad things are for me, and a world of people who think all this is the most impressive thing ever! yeah, impressive, i’m chading the dream, but the truth is that i’m facing this alone because no one else wants to tolerate my life.

so - i’m blogging as somewhat of a diary to myself, and possibly to reach out to anyone out there who wants to chase that life changing dream... and what do i have to tell you?

you’re on your own.

if you’re lucky enough to have people in your life who care a little, be happy, enjoy that time, relish those relationships, but face the reality that everyone out there has their own agenda, and it won’t be long before they remind you that they have to take care of themselves.

now, this doesn’t mean people are bad... its really very simple. people have what they want, what they need, what they can tolerate, and so on. things that are important to you aren’t always going to be important to other people - and even when they are supportive of your attempt to do something, it doesn’t mean they’re willing to do it themselves, or be inconvenienced in any way. i consider myself lucky: today i have work, i have a way to make some green and get a little caught up on some bills. i also have people all planning to come see me in chicago for my last show, laying out time and cash to see me on stage and be supportive. its not everyone i know, and i can’t fault others for not being willing to travel locally much less far away to see me on stage. i’m lucky enough to have a gal in my life who’s willing to stand and cheer for me anywhere, and a handful of friends who are driving and flying just to make an event of my event. but reality is that eventually, there won’t be an audience just for me, there will be a show on the road, a film or commercial shoot where people are happy i’m there to earn them money.

heh, hopefully at least - someday i’m going to have to earn enough so that i can give back to all the great people in my life in a big way. someday i want to take my ‘friend-fans’ on a trip on me to see whatever else they want, and sit in the audience with them. and kirsten deserves even more, she’s been so encouraging and tolerant of my embarrassing life.

so artists & idea people & idealists - run with your dreams, but be confident in yourself and your life. you can NOT take your setbacks personally. if you get shot down at an audition, or denied a grant, or feel like no one is paying attention to your ideas, you just take a step back and figure out why and how to work around it. its you against the world, and be ready for reality - be a fair judge of yourself, and others.