communication

you don't communicate well...

you're reading this, and you're already bored.  you saw this link online somehow, and you're already wondering how long it will take me to get to the punchline.

i commend you for getting this far, but the reality is that most of us aren't interested in long explanations, we have become what the media complains about - fast.  we seek instant gratification, i say 'we' because i'm just as bad as anyone else.

we now live in a society where fabulous outweighs talented, where screams outweigh need, where everything happens fast and people want it faster.

what we've lost is communication - REAL communication.

when was the last time you explained your real feelings to someone?  when was the last time you did it in person?

emailing someone lots of 'i love you!' messages is normal these days, but when was the last time you sat with them, and told them why.  communicated it to them - showed them.

this doesn't apply to men you're hoping to get a ring from, or women you're hoping to lay - this applies to someone you're friends with, or someone who's family.  there are relationships we overlook because of our need for fast, and the shield we put up so we don't have to deal with rejection or take the time to deal with unpleasantness.

and the best part of it all is that each of us wants to believe we are pulling it off... when we all know that people see through the minutia of love emails and texts and posts.  but sticking with the lies is easier, so we press on.

friends you've had a disagreement with don't get to hear you say, "i'm sorry, i didn't see things that way because..." and then friendships are lost.  and why?  because it takes time to explain how you feel, and worse, you may have to lower your guard and look (or feel) like a fool.  "i'm sorry, i didn't... come to your party because my ex might have been there, and they've moved on to find someone else, and lately i've felt really alone and i just couldn't face them right now" - this completely explains how you feel, but leaves everything open, your soul, and your friendship.  they could reply with, "get over it!  it's been years since you two were seeing each other!"  but then you wouldn't have your feelings validated, and you're more hurt and alone - why risk it, right?

if you go to your parent and tell them, "i love you, but i feel uncomfortable because..." they may reply with something you don't want to hear... so we don't talk to our parents.  telling your parents that it bothers you to see them age is actually understandable, but it's something everyone has to deal with.  avoiding it just makes you look like a brat, like the adult child who wants everyone to think of them as a responsible adult, but really sidesteps things because she can't handle them.  worse are grandchildren, who always come up with a social need of epic importance in an effort to avoid their difficult  grandparent in declining health.  parents are then forced to communicate unpleasantness and deal with the resulting feeling that the child won't take care of them when they are in the same situation later in life - why risk it, right?

we have to learn to take risk again - we have to learn to tell the truth and express ourselves and work through the feelings we have.

the issues above are personal and close to us... but they have morphed into worse.  in these are the feelings we randomly throw out there socially.  the ego, the attitude, the unneeded emotion and commentary we use to quickly resolve a need.  we post comments online, we email, we text, but as issues draw closer to us, we do it in a fashion that keeps some distance from the truth.

people don't 'date' anymore... they text.  people don't 'hangout' anymore... they skype.  people don't 'experience' anymore... they google.  people don't 'share' anymore... they post.  and in all this is a loss of communication.

then, we cover it all up with mis-communication.  we skype about the things we learned on google like we've experienced them... then we post about things we skyped about, all while holding someone at bay via text instead of that date - because we were 'too busy' skyping and googling.

eventually things will fall apart... friendships dwindle as people understand each other less, parents make excuses out of embarrassment regarding the children who email 'i love you' but never want to be there for them or help them with grandparents, and life experience is lost in general to our passive modern methods of communication.

we don't own our mistakes anymore, we don't own our flaws, we get around them... then if confronted we panic, we throw out excuses about 'busy' and other drama to avoid... then we have to avoid more to keep the lies of mis-communication alive and avoid even more embarrassment.

it's easier to skype from our desks, and it's easier to text, and it's easier to google... but we are missing out more and more in the human experience.

if you're still reading this - color me impressed.

then ask yourself where you fall in to this.  do you tell people how you really feel?  do you communicate, or is it often a dramatic performance of expression in a panic because you're not a communicator?  do your friends know how you feel, or are you usually the one people can't get a straight answer from (who ends up with a new 'best friend' every few years)?  do your parents feel like they know you, or do they feel like they know you enough not to talk about things that will cause you to prove to them what kind of person you've become?

and sure, there is over-communication.  people don't need to know about your last trip to the bathroom, or about the epic experience you had helping your grandmother with hers.  but learn where the lines are between communication, privacy, and embarrassment.  not telling your friend you slept with their wife isn't a privacy issue, it's an embarrassment issue.

people get embarrassed about a lot.  sleeping with your friends wife should cause embarrassment... but not being there for your parents should also cause it.  being the guy who screwed up with a girl is embarrassing - being the guy who lied about her being too clingy or telling people she's a whore, when in reality you couldn't keep it together with her for some reason is just lies to cover embarrassment - it's the worst loss of communication possible.

and really, everyone sees through those things anyway... we all know it, so then we run back to skype and texting and google.

stop.

learn to communicate again.

learn to communicate with yourself, learn yourself, and then learn to be proud of yourself.  then learn to talk to people, in person, understand their feelings, and convey yours to them.

be embarrassed... life is embarrassment, it's ok.  then grow to get around what caused the embarrassment.  grow to be a better friend, grow to be a better parent, grow to be a better grandchild, grow to be someone who can think and communicate openly, grow to be someone who's life is extended via social and electronic media - not someone who's life's extent is electronic and social media.

grow - grow some balls.

communicate the truth... communicate in person... communicate with others... communicate yourself... and then enjoy the real happiness it provides.

balance

a few years ago i was lucky enough to take a trip to China.  as a country, China is exactly what the media portrays it, they don't care about who they hurt or how dirty things get, the system is most important.

however, in the history of China is something which i struggle with daily, which everyone struggles with, and if you can master it in every aspect of your life, you will find peace.  sadly, it's not something followed in China anymore...

balance.

too much of a bad thing, is obviously bad... and then there's the ironic 'too much of a good thing' aspect to deal with as well.

now, i can sit here and let you read a long drawn out philosophical view on this, but instead, i'm going to put this into real life examples.

- you take in 2000 calories a day, do you burn 2000 calories a day?

no, this is why we are fat.  this is why our country is fat.  this is why your kids are probably fat and will continue to be fat and will need to deal with epic health issues like heart disease and diabetes.  i'm not going to ramble about carbs or video games or why you have a sedentary job and i can't kick soda any more than you can stop drinking wine, but this isn't complex, and you don't have a genetic issue.

- you work 60 hours a week, do you spend that much time at play?

this one is great, people love to have an excuse as to why they work so much.  loving their job, needing to provide for family, lacking job security, trying to get ahead... all important reasons.  and all a solid path to a heart attack.  this is as much a mental thing as a time thing, if you work at your play time trying to make the best of it, you'll stress out just as much.

- you love your friends, do you make time for you family?

this can go both ways.  single people love to point out how little they see their married friends, and married people love to point out work and family as their 'excuse'.  at the same time plenty of people who are in both situations don't get to their core of family.  taking care of each other, being there for the monotonous and annoying things and so on.  your family is NOT your children.  and not having children or a spouse does not mean you don't have family.

- you know the latest in fashion, do you know your body?

i realize that not everyone sees themselves in the awesome light that i see myself in, after all, you all aren't me.  but even i know there are some things i shouldn't wear- things i'd love to wear, but things i shouldn't wear.  i'm doing my best not to point my finger at women here, as i can already hear the angry comments from the soccer moms stuffing their faces with jr's carb-laden snack mix and washing it back with another $6 bottle of Zin as they start their groans about how i have no idea what it's like.  actually, i do.  i know a rail thin therapist who specializes in eating disorders and thinks that Ashton Kutcher is the hottest man on the planet,  and is more than happy to point it out to men who don't have a lean buff bod.  i'm just smart enough not to care... or attempt to stuff myself in something originally designed for his body style then modified to fit the mass market.

- you know you like to have a good time, do you know how far to take it?

i'm the first person to say everyone should be themselves.  let me repeat that - BE YOURSELF - and be proud of that person no matter where you are.  at the same time, if you're the guy who ends up wasted on stage #3 attempting to show 'Ferrari' how to properly twerk it, then you probably need to learn some balance.  sure, when you were 22 that situation made sense... right out of college, if out at all.  when you're 42 you can be that person too, but don't be surprised when people think you're a jackass.  i have had many jackass moments to help me learn this lesson.  sadly, some people attempt to think they can do these things and then the guys will 'keep it quiet'.  no dumbass, they won't.

- you know what attracts the opposite (or same) sex, do you know what you're attracting?

i'm a guy, so i'm going to use women first, then attempt to use women.  gays & lesbians, you're on your own for this, but i'm sure you'll get the picture as the rules don't really change...  let's use boobs: show too much cleavage and you're a whore, don't show any cleavage and you're the difficult chick no one wants to suffer through.  too much leg and the only guys who talk to you are hoping for a cheap lay, don't show any leg and the only guys that will talk to you are the ones who are hoping to meet your rich father.  balance.  guys have it easier, a guy can dress modestly and women will talk to them - but guys, if you're constantly rolling through different expensive cars and watches, there's a reason why you only attract paper-chasers.  basically people, know your audience.  dress where you're comfortable, don't be afraid to take some chances, but be aware of what your comfort level tells people.

- you know how to keep your kids happy, do you know what you're raising?

i have a friend who's hard on kids, his logic is 'we are raising a generation of babies' (i'm paraphrasing as his term was a little more difficult).  i wish i could give my nieces anything they could ever want at times, luckily they aren't my kids and i can't afford to do so.  the reality of life is that it's harsh.  someone will steal from your kids, someone will reject them, someone will tell them they are ugly, someone will deny them a job or a membership or a spot on a team, and someone will break their heart.  they do need to know that their parents will always love them, but they don't need to know everything they do is always acceptable.  your child needs to learn that they have to provide for themselves, they need to learn to express themselves but not to rub it in other people's faces or be allowed to throw tantrums, and your child needs to be able to take criticism.  i know people who are a mess socially because their parents are afraid to put their foot down on little issues because they would rather have their kids be happy with them.  what?  you're the parent, you don't need their approval.

- you know how the world should work, do you know how to make it work?

everyone should have healthcare, and everyone should have free speech, and everyone should have privacy, and everyone should have happiness.  sometimes, this isn't realistic.  sometimes, some of those conflict.  we can't give everyone healthcare for free, and if you make it cheap then you pull happiness from some healthcare providers.  saying anything you want is legal, but that doesn't mean it's going to be helpful or productive.  and privacy is a great thing... until some guy wants privacy to keep new conquests from knowing he's really a man-whore and not the sweet man he's selling.  i don't know how to make things work, but honesty is a good start.

we have become a world of activists and opinions.  the greatest farce of ego is opinion, as it's usually based on emotion and history instead of facts and situation.  for example, we cannot compare the healthcare issues of everyday citizens to those who are soldiers in combat.  a responsible army cares for it's troops... and while many feel a responsible country should care for it's citizens, there is leeway for opinion which does not exist in combat.  one cannot apply their opinion fully if they have not lived through all sides and experienced the situation.  sure, people can estimate, possibly sympathize, but not empathize.

so when you look out to the world, try to act based on balance... realize that you may need to assess the situations of others, and realize that falling completely on one side of a decision may not be the best course.  calories need to be burned, children need to deal with life, parents need to tell their kids how they feel, everyone loves boobs & money, and there is no correct and one sided view of politics.

and too much of a good thing, can often be a bad thing.

answer your phone!

there has been a problem amongst a few of the people i know... they all make sure they have the latest in communications equipment, phones and computers and high speed internet connections...

but, you can never get some to answer the phone, and responses to emails or texts are at best delayed.

in a recent conversation with one of my friends who doesn't suffer from this problem we went back and forth about why this is happening.

here's what we realized first: you always got a response when trying to contact someone important.  not someone who wants you to think they are important, but someone who actually was important.  from CEO's and business leaders to doctors to people who were on the move with life and career, someone always answered the phone or responded.  now, it wasn't always them - but they weren't going to miss a call.

then we realized something else: the people least likely to take your call are the people who most wanted to appear important.  people who probably on some level realized that the important people were always in contact, so they don't respond because they are (in their mind) doing other or better or more important things.  the insecure, the people who were always trying to look good, those who more often than not were skeptical, the people with problems.

the problems... not the problems that big deal people face.  instead it's problems and running.  things they don't want to deal with.  things they can't deal with while wearing a smile.  the problems of the unhappy.  these people had a few rare people they responded to, safe people, the current best friend, the current love interest, but never anyone who didn't give them their quick fix of drama or importance.

we live in a time when people could be able to almost constantly communicate - almost to the point where it's annoying.  a person can be in a meeting, and at the same time is constantly looking at their phone, their emails, their texts, their social media.

but yet, you can't get a response from some people... unless they want something.  and those people really don't realize how poorly they look in the eyes of others while they try to be someone who looks perfect.

it's like they want to believe they are fooling everyone.

i know a woman, a beautiful and inspiring woman, a wealthy woman, a woman who owns her own business which is also a charity, a woman who is in the middle of completely remodeling a home, a woman who is on the brink of getting married, a woman with 2 dogs and many employees and a solid collection of friends all over our city and the country.  - a woman who almost always answers her phone, almost always gives you some kind of reply to texts and emails, a woman who more often than not remembers to think of others.

this woman is generally a happy person.

at the same time, i know a man who came from a prominent family, always drives expensive cars, lives in a fashionable neighborhood, owns a solid business development, has great family that he's always showering with gifts and gear, and likes to point out all his great connections. - a man who's ruined his lifelong friendships with greed and insecurity, has racked up an unbelievable and little known mountain of debt, secretly lives a life of turmoil, a man who never answers his phone or replies to texts.

this man isn't very happy.

are these just two random people, and the lack of response to others not a factor to their lives or happiness?

well, i'm not a shrink... and certainly there are people who are completely happy being alone.  but it seems the people who want to be loved and respected while not adjusting who they are end up being the ones who hide.

they aren't always hiding of course, they have needs, they have wants, they have things they want to do - and they are more than happy to involve you when they need you.  but do they answer the phone when it doesn't suit them?  do they answer the phone if they are just sitting at home doing nothing and you want to say hello?

probably not.

why?  who knows...  maybe i'm not as close to these people as i think i am.  and... maybe the other people who have noticed this aren't as close either.  some are sisters and brothers of the people in question, but who knows, family doesn't mean much these days.

and would it make a difference if they responded?  maybe not.  who's to say they'd give you any kind of response you want?  so many people these days give faux emotional responses, trendy emoji's, and LOL's to their friends, and a never ending stream of texted 'I LOVE YOU's to their friends and family.  of course, everyone likes to know they are loved, but when you get an easily sent text and no actual effort, you start to notice this is a knee-jerk response that probably has little to no actual value.  and when you never see the person Laugh Out Loud or show you that they actually love you when you need them... you start to see the truth.

worse, we live in a time when the latest technology offers you the ability to send 'read receipts' to people - you can tell people that you got their message.  i do this, most of my close friends do, and when i send them a text, i can see that the read it and when.

but... you can (on some level) tell what kind of person you're dealing with when they disable this feature.  they don't want you knowing they ignored you, even though its obvious from the lack of response - but maybe by the time you realize it, you'll forget they may just be an asshole.

and that's an important issue - no one wants to be the asshole.  they may say they don't care, but they do, if they didn't care they'd let you know they read your text and you can suck it up.  no, they want to be loved, but they may not want to put in the work.

guess what - you're not fooling anyone... you never replied.  you couldn't even kick out an 'ok', or a 'i will call you later'.  the latest iPhone actually has a feature that allows you to kick out a nearly automated reply text when you can't answer the phone.  they have actually factored in to the design of the phone that most people want to NOT come off looking like an asshole.

on some level, people need to realize the levels that are communication... you can ignore someone, you can text them, you could talk to them on the phone, you could talk with them in person, and you could be with them with little to no notice for any level of importance.

and in that, you show what kind of person you are.  being someone who barely contacts others or barely responds paints a picture of a fairly sad person, and the person who's always giving an actual response to others shows the world how solid they are.

i don't know what to think of people at times, have some of us started to lean so heavily on the crutch that is technology, or has it become yet another way for people to see the emptiness in others?

here's what i do know - if you want to be a better person in the eyes of others, answer your phone.