fans and friends

i went to the lake one morning, and made my usual check-ins from Foursquare and with it Twitter and Facebook.  and in that a handful of people started to make the usual comments about my life...  "enjoy your play time" and "must be nice" and so on.

i get that a lot, people make comments which at times seem encouraging and at other times seem like a cross between jealousy and an effort to be involved so they can watch.  this kinda bothered me.

i have a lot of people in my life, and i don't expect to see or talk to all of them often, but from a few i realized i ONLY heard from them at moments like this, our friendship was arm's length it seemed, but they felt they could comment away as if they still knew me well enough to do so.  the tweets started flying, and when i thought about it, the only person who i thought really knew me well enough on twitter to say these things wasn't commenting at all, but she had made comments like these in the past... and now couldn't, or wouldn't, because of reasons i can only suspect which in the end have landed us only able to be friends behind the scenes.

i was back on the road, and it hit me - while her reasons were kinda sad, overall a lot of these people were similar in that they liked the idea of my being their friend, but not really, they just liked having me out there at arm's length for whatever reason, and hoped i would keep myself there so they didn't have to put any effort in.  they were too busy, someone like me wouldn't understand, they had jobs and kids and other things to maintain.

really, its the maintenance of their illusion which is key.  i know plenty of people jobs and kids and active lives who manage to keep themselves rather social, but the people of that day... seem to not be able to do that, nor could they admit as to why.  let's face it, its embarrassing to say that you can't or won't reach out to others because of some situation you should be able to control.  you control what you do with your life, you control if your kids are well behaved, you control if your spouse can't trust you, you control your own views.

i was annoyed, and this has annoyed me before.  so i said it publicly, i tweeted back to all who were apparently listening that their responses  would be proven wrong, that i would turn myself around, put a 3 hour drive of effort in and come back to see who wanted to really get out and be social.  i didnt expect parents to show up, last minute sitters are hard to find... and i didnt expect someone to be there if they were scheduled to work somehow that night... and really, i didn't expect any of them to show up at all.

none of them responded.  as usual, people who like to make claims of maturity and proper behaviour tend to get really quiet when they are put to any social test, it seems the two are not compatible.  i'm starting to think such claims are really more defensive claims for the nervous panic the feel in the face of insecurity.

and then, i got home - i was headed to Pi in the Central West End, I made it publicly known....

i spent the first part of my night with Allyson and Christina, both gorgeous and professional.  Allyson is the founder and managing editor of Sauce Magazine as well as having her own media company, she's very busy... but she made it... and, she wanted me to contact her about some things and I totally dropped the ball until today, so I hope she forgives me.  Christina is an attorney, has her own boutique civil litigation firm, also very busy, and she also made it.  we were outside and tried to take pictures of power lines... with little success.  Maggie was there with her husband Alex, though they didn't bring their toddler but they wanted to get out and see people i assume.  Maggie does freelance work on top of being a mom and Alex is a rising star at Express Scripts, one of those guys who's been assigned not one but two cell phones because he's always working.  They both made it.

Amber was the star of the night, in town from LA for a week and i was happy to see her, and happy she reached out to me online.  I'm sure she has a lot to take care of while she's here since she's not been in town for nearly a year, but she made it.  Casee had just started back to school, she's a teacher, and under the pressure of meetings and planning sessions and so on, she made it.

we were outside, the weather wasn't too bad actually, and from the distance i saw a tall stunning beauty approaching - it was Erica.  she WAS scheduled to work that night as a reporter for our local CBS station - and did, a MU J-School grad, very well put together and proper, and on a set schedule.  But, she made it.

after a few hours, a few people had to leave, it was getting late and people did have to work and deal with children and it was 11pm.  i was left with Amber, Erica, and Casee.  we all made our way over to Mandarin where the ladies danced and i did my poor impersonation of dancing.  we sat outside on their third floor patio and met new people and had many laughs.  it wasn't a crazy night, it was a good night, and it wasn't a late night really.

one of them asked me what the story was with my attitude on people, and i attempted to explain how i had plenty of friends who i didn't really go out with but i talked to often, who would eventually make time for dinner or pick up a phone and call to check in.... and then there were others who just seemed to wait around for me to reach out to them or make the periodic comments on my life.

"well, they find you entertaining" it was explained to me.  and maybe they do.  after all, a lot of the people i was tweeting with have lives which are laced with settling down and settling on life and lots of talk but not a lot of effort.  i mentioned this, and pointed out how very lacking my effort is in life, and how i wished i put in a lot more at times.  "but you do, and you don't follow the plain and normal, which is why you are entertaining" i was handed back.

great, i'm entertaining, and i know a lot of people who don't seem to want to be around me a lot.  "well, they cant do what you do, they have lives and with it the mental blocks which created those lives, which is why they are fans of people who live like you".

ok, this sounds horrific, i've been told many times that people live through me - live through me!  my life is a mess!  none of the people i know would trade lives with me!  "and, really they can't, its not in them".

this still doesn't answer why they couldn't pick up a phone and call... i was driving back, they were all leaving work, i said it publicly that i wanted to hear from them.  why didn't they call or tweet or show up?  they act like they are my friends, what's the problem?

"well, maybe they're just your fans"

and in that, for the first time I truly realized how a person could be lonely at the top, how a person could be the most popular and miserable, how a person could be a star and have everything, and be depressed.

luckily, i am not one of those people.