what i see...

its dark, i got a little talking down to today for not actually doing what i say im going to do - and it's true! there needs to be a major cleanup. i said i was going to it after my 39th birthday, and i've only gotten worse. i'm in a quandary. the people in my life are still great, but in a lot of ways a lot of us have gone through some fairly big changes in the last 3-4 years. actually, between the powerful drama and the economic downturn some awesome changes have occurred. i'm laying here thinking about my life and how i'm going to get through this, what little simple things are obvious needs for change. i'm laying here thinking about my old friends and the great things they want to do... or not do. i'm laying here and i'm thinking about my new friend... and how much i should put into having her in my life. or really how much i let too much impact it.

a few months ago i was still in my swing, i was getting up and going to mass and the gym, then just before my birthday i let myself slowly fall apart. my friends saw it, they hoped i was just in a phase, they were mostly there for me. it was around that time my new friend got into my life. after the last few months i'm at a loss as to what i can do to help improve things with us. things seem to stall... then spurt... then nothing but confusion then some huge sudden moment of connection that so few can understand. i want to believe that behind those deep sensitive eyes is a connection at least.

then - its gone. like the swing i was in.

my life is in a state of turmoil really, of all my friends i am in many ways the most free. i have no spouse, no kids, no steady office job, now i'm in a situation where i have to make a choice - as the Clash once said, 'should i stay or should i go' - and, should she? i've talked about it to others, and the general consensus it that is this a colossal mess. and its not about things or her or them - what do i need to do for me? i'm the most free, but i'm letting her and other minor details tie me down.

ok... tomorrow i'm going to swing for the gym - i want to get back into the old swing again. i need to get back to writing, i need to get back into being involved more, a play, production, something. babysteps. ill get up, and try to jar my mind and think about all the things i can do. ill think about something simple but time consuming, ill think about how to get some time to myself. i'll think about her, or when she's around me i look at her, and i see her and her hair, or how lean she is, how she can run, and how to get her out of the way if she's going to prove to be a problem. i need to not consider these things and think about me.

i want the best for me, i want to act and write... i'm good at it, i should do it. my friends have thought so. one even recently commented on how i write, i had the right impact on him without even realizing it, the misleading impact, the dramatic impact. i didn't even mean to have it happen, its just how i write. the truth is i wrote this whole blog for his benefit since he's one of two people who read this... and as he's reading this, sitting there, offended at some of the things i've said and misled him to think, he's just now realizing that i wrote this whole thing to make the point of how awesome it was to me that one word can make such an impact. that, and because i loved the idea of writing all this about the new friend in my life and how she's been laying on the floor next to my bed, but keeps getting up periodically and being the problem i spoke of throughout this whole post. yeah, the new friend i have been speaking of isn't even human, but my words make her powerful. words, are simple, they roll out of me dramatically without me even noticing and for years so many have enjoyed them without realizing their impact, and how much people want to buy into them.

and really, everything i've said here is true, but the interpretation is all in the spin. one thing for sure that i learned is that i still have the gift, right? as any acting/writing teacher will tell you - sure there's a reaction you want, but any reaction is good.