i'm a lover

i'm not open minded enough to see other people's potential view if i disagree. in most cases people are open enough to tell me... of course, this assumes they are secure enough with themselves, and me, to take the time to explain.

my problem is that i care.

and i'm not smart enough to realize that most people are primarily concerned about themselves.

i had a rough day, someone i care about deeply has a secret that if exposed will cause a significant change in the future they consider themselves lucky to have. the solution: glaze it over, and walk away from the secret hoping to put enough time between them and it so that if it is ever exposed, its well in the past.

its really not a bad solution, avoid facing the music by giving a very basic explanation which leaves out all the key details, so that in the future we can all claim that we've all been honest. i don't think its honest, but that's the plan which causes the least amount of risk and it keeps the wedding plans in tact. oh yeah, did i mention there's a wedding planned? yeah, i can't imagine being engaged to someone i can't tell everything to in exact detail, but maybe my standards are to high.

i was confronted about this opinion of openness and my friendship done away with today. i was accused of not actually caring about the persons involved. i see it as quite the opposite, silly me thinking honesty and openness between two people is paramount. in hindsight, this person always had issues with openness.

and so, i explained to this friend of mine that i loved them and hoped for the best, this friend stated their love was lost, it expired. i guess some people require agreement for love.

most of my friends are the greatest people on the planet because they are the first to tell me when i'm wrong, and for that i love them. they irritate me daily with their habits and ways and explained absences from my life, but they care enough to explain it to me and when we disagree it doesn't change the love.

and so, i turned to my friends.

i called my ex who recently came back into my life after 10 years, and told her that i needed a distraction. i asked her to dress in a fashion that made it look like she was less than respectable, and come get me in her flashy BMW, she agreed. good god she's hot, i took pics of my night which i'll add to the thousands on my Picasa feed if anyone cares to see her. then again, the only person who ever claimed to read this blog seems to have decided to never read it again today, so i guess there's no rush.

i told another friend who was married what happened via text without much detail... and she was in the middle of spending all day at Six Flags with her children and their classmates. this would leave me a wreck, but without missing a beat she told me she could be home by 5pm and to meet her at her place. another friend called randomly and could tell i was down, i didn't give a lot of details, and without asking he told me he would meet us there after he put his kids to bed.

my ex arrived, and i told her, "listen, my day has been shitty because on some level people leave little but important details out which may or may not be important to others, so you need to know why i asked you to escort me around tonight...". i just explained that i was down because of the loss i felt enough to guarantee she was informed enough to know what was going on.

after all, honesty is important, the key details were there, and the details of the disagreement i kept to myself. ha, of course i'm talking about this in a public forum now, but still not in a way to embarrass anyone.

and so we went, arrived at my married friend's house where i was welcome without her husband there. shockingly, she is allowed to have single male friends, including ex-boyfriends. she loves me.

then my friend chris called, he was bored, and i told him where i was so he just showed up. his wife had no idea where he was or that he was in the home of a married woman who's husband was not home. oddly this did not matter and really, he just wanted to hang out with his friends. he loves me too.

the night went on, outside just talking trying to distract me, and support me, all of them knowing generally why i was unhappy but none knowing the details which could expose the friend who has done away with me, and not one saying anything negative about me or the friend who had just cast me into the class of people you know just enough to identify in a lineup, but not see in person ever.

i ended up inside getting a drink and my married friend was there with me and asked how i was doing. i told her, and the key statement which hurt me the most that day. she replied, "real love never goes away, i still love my ex boyfriend from college, even though for years i wanted to kill him." i asked if her husband knew, and she said "of course!" and looked at me like the question was crazy.

dan showed up, 12 pack of Corona under his arm, dropping one off in front of me on his way to the garage fridge. two kids and a wife at home, he reached out to me today as he does many days and could tell i needed some friend time so he made that time. he loves me as well.

i live in a messed up world, there's so little formality and so much is inappropriate. a lot of the people in my life drink and smoke and such, and they'll be the first to say something direct and rude and forward... and honest.

the night came to and end, my ex wanted to leave and and my married friend's husband was home. chris and dan were still sitting there with them as we walked to the car. i shook some hands and my ex took my arm hoping to speed up the process as my married friend babbled at dan. after getting 15feet away i sarcastically spewed out one last loud goodbye to her since she hadn't given me a reply.

and right there in front of her husband she said, "bye baby! love you!"