ladies call us women

so last night, Spoon and i went to an event for St. Cecilia's parish.  it was a great event at a nearby prep school where my mother bid on and won a basket of baby items for a friend of mine.  the parish is making a name for itself because it is riddled with poverty and was facing closure but has managed to turn their school into a place where nearly 100% of their students go on to private prep schools.  they do it, and some of their books are older than their students.  its an amazing thing.

it saddens me a little that some of these students are using books older than them, and an entire class of students can be given new books for a few thousand dollars - books that can be reused for years of students to come... yet, the people in my world choose to spend their money on new cars and hottubs.  but, to each their own i guess, it would be refreshing to think some of them would randomly show up at the doorstep of this school and just hand them a wad of cash and leave.

the event ended early, and i had a group of friends forming downtown that were heavily requesting my presence.  spoon changed and we went downtown.  we arrived at a little bar where a gal i know (Jenn) serves up drinks, and it seemed some of the people i knew there had been drinking for a while.  we were of course warmly received and the night moved on, but somewhere in the mix Jenn asked me what the new drama in my little crew was, and why...

i couldn't really explain it, again.  not in a way that seemed to make sense.  the conversation continued off and on while she giggled at us all, and laughed at how my guys, the 'men' in my world were really just forever a group of girls.  at each turn she made the point over and over again, and over time it got worse as comparisons were made to make the drama seem nearly Kardashian, and as others joined in the conversation the sexuality of some were again pointed out to be a lie.

and sadly, some of what she was pointing out had become normal for me.  the childish actions, the possessiveness, the sadly weak egos and insecurity that caused some of them to lash out or separate themselves alone or in groups.  and worse, as we age there seem to be some who use being an 'adult' as an excuse to do the same things they have done all along.  they peacock themselves and refuse to relax, but yet, the drama continues... they just can't relax and let go.

she laughed, she pointed out how some of them are embarrassed by their lives and disappear, or hide in what they think are valiant efforts only to appear odd or awkward or sexually confused or socially inept.  she pointed out the most successful were just as big a mess or worse than the ones who were practically homeless.  she laughed more and pointed out the ones who were obviously single by choice, and the ones who were single because they were never wrong or probably sexually confused, and examples of their resistance to change or women.  and worse, it was all facts.

i couldn't deny any of it.

so.... while i had a great night, with my beautiful gal and did a good thing, and saw great people... i was reminded that the people in my world are a mess.  and separating myself from them doesn't change them or me.  and as each of the ones who were there swung in and out of the conversation and briefly chimed in, they all agreed, they all pointed the same fingers, they all giggled at those standing just feet away at how bad they were.

i'm starting to realize that i should just accept, and unless they want to throw anger or problems at me, i'm just going to live and be happy with them while i work on myself.  because unlike them, i want to embrace the fact that i'm not perfect, i'm very flawed, and i can be better.

the first step will be improving my ability to accept the reality of me.