more ego, less time

most of the people in my world are over 30... most are probably over 35, or even closer to 40... and somehow as we are more 'grown up' it's surprising how much ego plays more and more into life.

it surprises me the way men feel they need to be a big deal, the same way they did when they were teenagers instead using money as their sign of achievement.  and more the way women seem to have a new movement of 'pride' while their pretty is wasting away.

but why people?  why the hangups?  why are we all so increasingly insecure??

i felt a little embarrassed over this past weekend when i noticed something i had done which was something i'm not very proud of.  i'm obviously not going to mention it here, but it is very basic non-social, non-medical, non-public mistake that happens probably a million times a year... and from that i will learn to do it differently, and do it better, and move on.  i'm not going to be hung up about it, i'm going to grow from it.

this past week i've been cooking for myself.  i made it a week with no soda, no fast food, no bad stuff.  because realized i looked like hell.  i wasn't going to make sad excuses about how i 'cant get by without wine' or 'need to be able to spend time with the guys'... because really, i know people who have great lives that dont eat poorly or even drink - why couldn't i?   because i've been wanting to do it since the new year, and i just hadn't done it - - and time was ticking away.

time...

then this week, i got trapped into an online discussion with someone i knew 20 years ago and really hadn't seen since.  for the last few months he had been rambling online about events from 20 years ago, even stating that they happened 20 years ago... then lathered it all up with a fair amount of fantasy.

i had been letting this go, because why should i care?  everyone knows the guy is a nut... and really, he had actually blocked me from seeing these rants, so why bother attempting to act on what people were telling me about?

finally, people said things were getting rather bold.  so i decided to go out of my way to look, and he was operating two separate Facebook pages.  i only knew about one, and had been blocked from it for some time.  apparently there was reason to put up a second page... the primary page was riddled with commentary that fairly well explained why i was hearing so much about the page.  the second page was apparently a backup pulpit for his periodic suspensions from the system.  it was all kinda sad.

he made some angry posts about me on his second page, that i wasn't blocked from, so i made some peaceful and positive posts in an attempt to apologize for whatever he was angry about, and wish him well.  it ended up being a waste of time.

why does he care?  why care about all the little details?  care about your parents, care about your friends, care about experiencing life... we're almost at the halfway point in life - people we know are dying of cancer, people we know have teenage kids.  let go people, if you got fat, take the stairs because a Porsche isn't going to redeem your flaws and its not going to make you happy like a walk with someone you know will.  let go people, if you're not happy with how you feel when you compare yourself to other women you know, stop lying to yourself about what you think is acceptable and make up the difference - or even better, ask yourself WHY YOU CARE.

the guy who's carrying his issues online was a great athlete when he was young, and appears to still be in great shape.  he's got some new hobbies now, seems to have a new crew of friends - why waste life focusing on the unhappy?  why not make peace with life, them, and yourself, and move forward?

tick tock goes the clock, who wants to waste their time home alone and faking their happiness?