women i need to be set up with, and why

women, i love you... just like men, few of you are completely honest, and most of you are insecure.  so while i sit back and watch half of you try to hide things from your friends or parents or kids or significant other... and the other half of you do crazy shit because you're afraid no one will love you, here's the few fantasy women i'd like to give a test drive.

i'm attempting to list them in alphabetical order (but this isn't the NYTimes, so if i add someone late and get sloppy about it, remember this is in fun).  and really, i'm doing it that way because there's no particular order to my craziness.

and yes, since this is all a fantasy anyone, some of these are practically impossible.  plus, while some are listed more for their appearance than others, some are listed only because they are great women.  and, in the end - this isn't reality.

some day, maybe, i'll meet a woman who probably isn't on this list.  and is much more likely to be someone i will want to spend my life with a lot more than the woman listed here.  but when i'm bored i blog, and when i was sick last week, this list got started - so now you get to suffer through it.

SO - for just a date: some time out together, no pressure, let's see what happens... and really because the personality i perceive from your image seems awesome, (again MY perception, which is probably twisted anyway) and i havent noticed any problems yet:

Alicia Keys: Her voice is like a siren song, her body is bangin, and after I saw her turn into an epic badass in 2006's "Smokin Aces" I wanted her to be my leather clad songstress body guard.  There is something awesome about a chick who can embody sexy confidence and kick ass, but in the end lets her hero carry her off.  Maybe I just want to see her in that outfit in person... I guess she seems hot and awesome in reality too, I'll need a private concert.

Anna Faris: I didn't bother to dig up dirt on this one, but between her performances and the few interviews I've seen she seems to be stable and really entertaining.  There's something great about someone who can carry a conversation about nothing and make it entertaining.  Maybe she can't, but I'll need that date to find out.




Carrie Underwood: what can I say?  she's hot... she's a small town girl from nowhere Oklahoma that managed to sing her way through American Idol without becoming the freak so many other contestants on that show have.  An animal lover (but steak eater), and a spiritual woman - she's basically the all-american beauty.  She's that woman who cooks her man into fatness, but knows better than to eat.






Chris Jansing: she's 55 and she still looks awesome!  I have had women flat out tell me, "when I get to 50 I plan to totally let myself go" - wtf- does this sell to men somehow?  I'm sure I will hear from women how she looks good because it's her job.  Whatever, she looks good because she wants to.   um... she's also a respected NBC reporter, and I'm sure we'll not agree on anything, but I still want the date, if only to hear about the places her job has taken her.

Gloria Steinem: I'm calling this a date, but really, it would be an interview... this woman (can I call her that without offending her?) has balls, and put together a movement.  On many levels I agree with movement for gender equality, but that's not the reason I want my date - I want to meet and hang out with someone who was shy and gorgeous and rose up to create change.







Heather Graham: She's a classic beauty and comes off as down to earth, and moreover NOT uptight.  Somewhere out there (still, even today in 2012) are women who have trouble admitting to using the bathroom or owning sex toys... I don't see her being that. She's rumored to have some fairly radical views... can't find that out without at least one date.  Let's just hope it goes REALLY well.

Jenna Mourey: The second most often mentioned woman people say is perfect for me (and ironically, nothing like the first).  Aside from looking the way she does, she's got a Master's, she's sharp, and seems fearless.   Most importantly she seems FUN.  Unfortunately, she's also 15 years my junior and lives on the west coast, but the personality and energy she oozes in her vlog (as 'Jenna Marbles') are captivating.




Kaley Cuoco: ya know... she's hot, but she's not perfect (which is actually better), and she spends all her time working with pseudo-geeks... plus, word on the street is that she's a big tech user, so it gives me the misimpression that I may have a chance.  If any part of her real personality comes out in her Big Bang Theory character, we will hit it off.


Kimberly Guilfoyle: One one FNC's 'Five', and proof to all those nay-sayers that my only interests are rail thin blondes.  This gorgeous brunette is packing dangerous curves - and more importantly - instead of being that woman who wants a lawyer to take care of her, she IS a lawyer with a past working in the San Francisco prosecutor's office... yup, she's packing as much in the brains department as she is in the boom department - win.



Katy Perry: Yet another of the 'seems like she has a down to earth side' category, though you wouldn't know it from the radically changing hair color and her choice in ex-husband.  But really, it's her drive and her admitted battle with reality vs. professional appearance.  I can appreciate anyone who brought herself up after repeatedly being knocked down and kept a positive attitude... the singing is a bonus too!





Lolo Jones: I know going into this that I'm fairly out of shape, and have a tendency to drink, which will eventually lead to smoking like a chimney... all of which I'm sure she'll hate.  But she's an olympic athlete who did it all from a horrifically poor upbringing.  I have respect for her, and that is intriguing.  And, she's in awesome shape, did I mention that?

Nicki Minaj: I'm not going to sugar coat this one.  I want to go out with her because I have a feeling it will be out of control. She's probably going to be unhappy that I'm not really a fan of her music... maybe we'll get some steaks and hit a DeadMau5 show.  I'm still unmarried and childless, I may as well have some kinda bat-shit experience with this chick.





Robyn Lawley: more proof that i'm not that guy who only searches for little waifs, this 6'2" size 12 is a plus-sized model from down under who is known for being an over indulgent foodie.  I love food, and I love women, so this is a win-win.







Shirley Manson: the body is a little on the thin side, but the accent and the singing totally make up for that.  I want to find out if she eats haggis, real haggis, and if she can cook it.  Sadly, I foresee us having little or nothing to talk about after the first hour (maybe two hours, depending on how often her accent causes me to ask her to repeat herself).  but, i still want to see what's under the hood.




Shawnee Smith: One of two women on my list who's within a year of my age, and someone who's career I've watched for years.  I think the appeal is just that - she's my age, and she seems to have led an interesting life... if I only get that one date, I hope to hear all about it.  People with experience are the best people to have in your life... assuming they can share their experiences with you.  It helps when they're 42 and look awesome.

Tory Burch: Probably the most 'normal' in appearance from my group... which is somewhat fitting given what she does for a living.  Aside from the aesthetics, I appreciate a woman who is hands-on with giving back to society, and with that the opportunities she gives others.  She came from affluent parents but chose to go out and put a life & career together on her own, and she makes time for others.  What can I say?  Instead of being the image we all can see through, she's the real deal.  She's classy... not "I want society and my parents to think I am, so I'm going through the motions" transparent classy, but real classy.

Runners up: you seem awesome in some way, but there are some pretty significant red flags.

Dana Perino:  We see eye to eye on a lot of things politically, and she's the classic professional woman, and she loves her dogs.  BUT - have you seen how she deals with unimportant details in life?  She tweets about seeing pundits she disagrees with like its a soap opera and has gone on rants about other people choosing to smoke as if her children's life is in danger... makes me worry what other little tripwire issues are lurking in the corners of her mind.  Drama... and the worst kind of drama - the kind who says she hates it, while causing it all over.  Chill out Dana, you'll live longer.

Britney Spears:  This one speaks for it's self in both the good and bad.  Every guy wants to spend time with a gorgeous southern lady... no man wants to deal with women who yell or cry when their feelings are hurt (which for the few women who are criers  seems to happen often), but can you imagine being with a woman who gets upset... then decides to shave her head in public?

Taylor Swift: You're cute Taylor, and you fit that whole 'wholesome girl next door that sings' thing which seems to catch my attention.  But the last thing I want to be is the reason for your next angry girl hit song where you drag our drama out in public with only your point of view.  I have enough of that problem in my life now.  Women who claim to want privacy, then spill their side of relationship stories with only their side of the drama are just that... and... I'll pass.