The least damage, well drama, was done by CJR... her only involvement was simply to have suddenly disappeared off my 'friends' list on Facebook, while keeping 2 friends of mine. So be it, I'm not sure what caused her anger, and I'll probably wait a few weeks and re-add her without a problem. After she and I split she got knocked up fairly fast by some boyfriend she didnt keep around long, which confirmed what many speculated: she wanted sperm, not me. After that it wasn't long until she moved 5 hours away, and with the toddler and move, she was quickly out of my life.
Next was AEB, who was with me 10 years ago and clipped me the day after Valentines Day because to her it was obvious I wasn't taking our relationship seriously. She called me out of the blue last Friday and invited me over for a drink. We talked for hours, and in those hours I got to know her ten times better than I did in the months we were together. She's somewhat unhappy now that she's the only gal in her world who's single and childless (and really because its left her bored as the others sit at home), but she also seems to think the idea of settling or going with the willing guy who fits best isn't acceptable. Her biggest point about life when comparing now to then, she really had no idea who she was back then - when she was making all these big decisions she felt she needed to make. Truly ironic... she's now going to help me with a Master Cleanse. She is still completely gorgeous, woah.
And then there was ANI, who lived in St. Louis only briefly and regards it as the worst years of her life. Married and two babies now, she had gone and finished med school, married a doctor, and is now a stay-at-home mom with a growing blog about life and being a mommy. Brilliant - she found her calling and the inner peace she needed, and I'm so proud of her. When we had been together in the past she was in her early 20s and she wanted our relationship to progress fast. She got mad at me once when I scoffed at her ideas for a great wedding pointing out that she was only telling me because she pictured me on the altar with her. It didn't make sense to me, a 22 year old, intelligent, educated women all focused on marriage. In hindsight, there was obviously a hole in her heart she needed filled and like many she felt marriage would fix it. A decade ago she was so eager to fill that empty place in her soul that she made some bad decisions which permanently damaged our romantic relationship, but life moved on. It seems she finally filled it herself and then was able to bring that complete person into a new life. I am so very proud of her, and sadly I bet it will be a long time before she really feels that. But at least via the efforts of a bored friend and Facebook, we have reconnected.
Lastly is my freshest wound, KLV, who just months ago claimed she couldn't go but days without me, that she loved me, and so on... but then repressed it all. She probably caused me the largest heartbreak of my life, but at the same time has been one of my closest friends and my greatest fan (really, I'm hers too). She too has an empty spot in her it seems, but is trying to let others fill it for her. The whole event has left me at a loss, watching this glorious being go through motions and thinking about her words from the past which told me that it wasn't going to make her the happiest she could be. She and I have a friendship which I originally caused her to keep as a secret from her friends and family due to my unwillingness to interact with them... and now must be kept a secret because we are so close that it could threaten her relationship with them. Maybe I caused the problem, and then she perpetuated it for 3 years. But she can't move on to the next stage of her life without coming clean to all the parties involved... if she doesn't, it's just dishonest and a problem waiting to happen. It's all very childish (of both of us), but the results could be childish no matter what. She's a good person who did a simple but threatening thing, and not correcting it now risks her future, and makes our friendship as she describes as 'intense' at times. I refuse to believe a woman that smart can't know how very much I care for her, maybe she doesn't care back as she's told me many times, but maybe she doesn't care enough for the others to come clean to them... I can't tell anymore. All I can do is wait, and hope for a change, hope she does the right thing by all of us so we can all get along as open free adults. Good god, I sound like an Obama commercial.
I have a female friend who will giggle at me and call me names like 'dirty bird' and 'man whore'... but then she quickly corrects herself and tells me that she can't help but love me anyway because no matter what interaction I have with women, I'm honest with them. She finds it surprising at times how blunt and honest I can be, and still have so many in my life. Really, the four examples above are all stories about why honesty hasn't helped, they all moved on, and not all to better places. But if you read the end results, the truth did set them free. It's ironic that women generally look at me as immature fun, but that in the end, it was finding the truth in themselves which gave them what they most needed.
Why do we all do the things we do anyway? All its led me to do is be the fun guy no one respects... no one thinks of me as someone they can come to for advice, everyone is smarter than me in their own eyes. I don't know if its me or them... and in the end, no one reads this blog anyway, ha. But for those of you out there who may have found this by accident, learn from the examples above: find what you need to stand alone, fill any emptiness as best you can, and always be true to everyone you come across. The truth will set you free.
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Well, I read it.
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