i had been working on one of the docks at the Lake of the Ozarks, i had no one to eat with at night, and was lucky enough to find local young ladies to join me. one worked on a dock in the same cove, and we always had a great time. one night, she kissed me - the stones on her! completely bowled me over. gorgeous, so smart, and gutsy.
however, her step father was really protective, and he made his thoughts clear. when she didn't listen, he made life for the family difficult. 11 months later, she called and told me she couldn't see her mother miserable anymore, she had to stop. it crushed me.
life went on, it always does.
in the last month, i had a friend's wife file for divorce - then every relationship i've had in my adult life made a statement in one way or another (as you may have read in a previous post). first, in the span of a week, everyone from the last 10 years showed up... then, in the last week, the 2 from the 90's contacted me. one of them just to make small talk, we're still friends... but she decided on a very different life path some time ago, so we rarely talk. the other, was the girl who kissed me, KEB.
yesterday i went to my parent's house to help them with things as i often do, and there was a letter for me. handwritten, on plain paper, with perfect penmanship and layout, 2 pages of regret for not following her heart 14 years ago, and wonder about where she would be. i was floored.
i'm no prize, in fact, i'm far from it. but she had come to a point in life where she had to know the whereabouts of the 'stranger who knew her so well', where i had gone, and what i had done. she had apparently found me online, she knew a lot of me that can be found, but she felt the need to reach out. after reading the letter i called her and we talked for over an hour, our first words in over a decade.
at one point i mentioned how we split, and before i could finish the statement she said, "I'm sorry".
she had met a man, a sweet man, a good man, and a man she wasn't in love with. they have been together for 11 years. she looked back on the years since she did what her step-father wanted with regret... and told me it was the first of many decisions she was manipulated into, and now her step father was gone, life had taken its course, and she realized she was living in a state of malaise. she owned a house, had a career, they lived together, they had dogs and cats... and their life was at best mechanical. she wanted out. she wanted to restart and make choices for herself and not for others.
she thought back to our conversations, she needed to find me, after 14 years. she lives in another corner of the country, but in the first day we talked for hours.
how many people out there are unhappy like her, because they did what they were supposed to do? because they did what they felt was needed to fit in, or to take the next step? how many of them are unhappy with the chances they never took, the life they never lived, or the adventures they never found?
for some reason, a higher power has brought all my loves back to me, prefaced with a story of love falling apart. what is God trying to tell me? in the recap of them all... one is a miserable corporate climber, one a divorced single mom, one an unmarried single mom, one a married mom with a past she tries to forget, one about to get married after years of hidden secrets, and lastly we're back to square one who like all the rest - did her best to follow the rules, and do everything right. they all on some leveled lived their lives for others, and it made them or may make them miserable.
maybe the solution is to live life for yourself first, but be honest with yourself and others so you can always be there for them. not to rush, know yourself, find yourself first before you try to share your life or give life to another.
then again, by that plan, maybe no one would ever get married.
yeah, the last month has left me feeling loved, unwanted, respected, and unsure - all at the same time. i wish there was a way to tell them all that no matter where they take themselves, i'll always be there for them.
after this last 24 hours, i guess she knows. and that feels great.
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